I've fallen in love and it's bad news

[Faghag]

because I am married with three children and he is gay and fifteen years my junior. That says it all. We've drifted into this. We've been talking for an hour a day every day for over a year - just as the best of friends. I thought I was perfectly safe - who wouldn't with a gay man young enough to be my son. It became a very intense friendship with a lot of emotional involvement. DH was jealous, unreasonably so, I thought. Until we had sex last weekend and now my whole world is falling apart. I feel wretchedly guilty.

btw

Sex crept up so no vibe, no frisson,oh grow up.you floridly decibe a meeting of minds, great dialogue -hollow sentiments.

tell me this if it crept up innocently why was DH jealous - eh because he saw the signals!

Be honest and say you are having your jollies with your toy boy. fair enough

but describing it as emotional affair is pseud-romantic literature phraseology is frankly deluded

HI Lou

i worked with a gay guy and he decided he wanted to be with a woman,he started dating someone we both worked with and within a couple of months they got engaged,she then fell pregnant,within weeks of the baby being born ,he went back to seeing men behind her back.Dont do it.You will be in for a lot of heartache i think, and besides you have a dh and children to consider. wouldnt it be better to work on this rather than on a lust filled trip ?

I think that DH saw the signals but I didn't. I thought it was a safe platonic friendship, that's all that I can say.

Jollies? Toyboy? It wasn't like that really. It was about books and shopping and giggles and totally shared values. It was about him texting me while I was texting him. It was about buying him a drink at one end of a bar and knowing just what he wanted. It was about reading a poem and absolutely knowing that he would love it. It was about loving modern art and Jimmy Choo too. It was about drinking coffee in the morning and tea at night. It was about driving 200 miles at the drop of a hat because I knew he was sad to breaking point.

The term emotional affair wasn't mine and I am sorry that you object to it but I absolutely see now that that is what it was. At the time I just thought of him as my best friend.

Still not convinced this is real!! I must live a very sheltered life! But if these things really do happen to people...

To my mind, I am married with 3 kids. I love my dh, although he is not perfect. There certainly is not the same heady romance as when we first met, but I still fancy him and care about him. I know I am lucky. But even if I didn't, and even if I ended up having sex with someone else in a weak moment, I would immediately realise that it had been a stupid thing to do, and have a good look at my marriage. My relationship with my fuck-buddy would be the last thing on my mind. Surely 19 years of marriage and 3 kids counts for something?? Be very careful here- I have a colleague whose wife suddenly "fell in love" and upped and left him. She thought the children would understand. they didn't and she now only sees 1 of the 3- as soon as they were old enough to have a say they turned their backs on her. In everyone's eyes, she put her own needs way above her kids, and acted like some swooning 16-yr-old. For all I know, she may be blissfully happy with Mr wonderful, but by God it has come at a price. Think think think! You are a grown up woman. Emotions are something you can rationalise and control- we don't have to act on every emotion. You have responsibilities! Come down to earth and see this for what it is- a wake-up call! Please don't ruin your life by chucking everything away for this man- he sounds highly likely not to go the distance. I'm sorry to be so blunt and not very sympathetic, but I think you need a bit of a reality check.

maybe you can inject something of what you feel/felt for this young man into your marriage.Dont make a terrible mistake because i dont think that if you were to get together he would stay with you.Dont give up on your marriage for a fantasy.

you can describe any ole way. it was a hedonistic, mutually indulgent relationship. he can faff about and pontificate about modern art, because he has not got the commitment of 3 kids and marriage

Jollies - yep you had your jollies. you just elaborately describe them

hi kerry

Fuck-buddy, dear god.

What are you going to do faghag?

Sorry, was going to sleep... but wanted to post this...

Faghag - you love the excitement your toy boy offers you, and your toyboy loves the security you offer him...

That makes you very dependant on each other right now.......

But there is a reason we have the lives we have.

SOoner rather than later, you are going to crave the security your old life offered and he is going to want the thrills and excitement.

YOu will end up making each other very unhappy - and perhaps making many other people unhappy along the way.

I know I am making a lot of assumptions here, but from what you've said, you guys are at opposite ends of the spectrum on almost everything and, while there is always an exception, it's very difficult to see how this could work.

Just left a MSN conversation with my not quite straight bloke with him saying how I made him smile,telling me to have sweet dreams. My wrist is aching from holding the phone for 4 hours the other night. Catches you RIGHT there.
Yep, know how you feel.
But your husband and your kids. Take out the fluffyness. How would this work on a practical level?

Surely if this was for real the OP would never choose a nickname such as 'faghag'

Or perhaps my troll radar has malfunctioned due to overwork lately?

Well I tried Namechanged, then Namechanger, then Changedname, then Changednameforthis. Then I gave up and used FH, because I was feeling so sick and bitter and angry with myself.

The accusations of trollery make me feel totally abnormal. I hadn't realised how far from the mainstream I'd gone. His sexuality really wasn't the same issue for me as it is for many people.

I've contacted Relate again. Horrible discussion to have with friend tonight.

Thank you very much Lou, I'll email you. I'd be interested to see how you got over it. Joash, thank you for sharing that. It made me feel better.

Well, for what it's worth, I believe you. And I don't envy the situation you are now in.......

I actually do think it's possible to not see the warning signs (yes, even when someone close points them out!) and for it to come as a huge shock when 'it' happens...

TBH, though, I don't think there is room for any more discussions with your friend. For both of your sakes, you need to end this now.

More discussions actually just means giving him time to show his feelings to you and this means that you are both continuing the relationship you now have.

it'll be easier on you to just walk away and easier on him if he understands that you aren't coming back.

Regardless of what Scottishmummy was banging on about, I don't think this is the time to wallow in bucket load of guilt. You need to dust yourself off, make the decision and walk away.

Hope you are feeling brighter today

And, just my two-pennies worth: It's not your job or your responsibility to 'make sure' that this chap is OK.

He'll try and convince you that the only way he'll be OK is if you stay with him, and I feel that will only cause more hurt in the long run.

Hi Faghag

Sounds pretty tough. I agree with madamez that the straight/gay labels are not particularly useful, and it's not the issue anyway.

Sounds like sounselling woould be useful to get to the bottom of why you and DH haven't had sex for three years. Three years is a long time - no wonder you've fallen for someone else.

Can't you get the lover to stand back for a while to let you try and sort stuff in your heard and with your DH?

Good luck.

sounselling?!

counselling, sorry

.

yeah right.

Only you know whether
a) your marriage is not able to be resuscitiated
b) whether you are in love with the new man

It is a risk to leave and be with him because you DON'T know how it would pan out.But you have a better idea than any of us here.

You absolutely DO have that option (leave husband for lover) and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Take your time and make your choice. You Do have the choice.

Good luck.

i'll wait to hear from you fh