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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsettling message from his "ex"

137 replies

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:31

I got a pretty strange and unsettling message via one of my social media channels and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. She basically claims to be an ex of my bf and that he was abusive towards her while they were together, and that she felt that she should tell me.
I haven’t replied yet and I am not sure if I want to, but this has shaken me up. First of all, I have no idea who she is and if any of this is even remotely true. It doesn’t sound like him at all either. I can see that she and him have a shared friend so it’s unlikely that she accidentally sent a message about the wrong person, but I can’t help wondering why she would do this now.
As I said nothing of what she described sounds even remotely like him. My first thought was to ask him about it but we usually only see each other at the weekend and I thought it might be best to raise it when we see each other. I don’t want to keep it from him either though.
Should I ask him about her first, or ask her for more information or more details in case she made it all up?

OP posts:
YoSof · 16/08/2023 19:33

Why would she make it up?

How long have you been together? You don’t have to listen to her, but just because you haven’t seen that side to him yet doesn’t mean you never will.

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 16/08/2023 19:35

Maybe you could make a Claire’s Law application?

GoodChat · 16/08/2023 19:35

I'd ask him what happened between him and X as you've had an unsettling message and would like to hear his side. His reaction will tell you a lot.

chemicalworld · 16/08/2023 19:38

I've thought about doing this, my ex was manipulative, shouty, woman hating and could twist a situation to suit him and made me doubt my own mind. I got out quite quickly but soon after he met someone and she became pregnant quite quickly. I've often wanted to send her a message to check she is okay.

I doubt she would message you just for the fun of it.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 16/08/2023 19:39

If it's true and you ask him about it, he will lie. I think I'd ask her for more information first and take it from there. How long have you been together? How well do you know him really? Abusers don't wear a badge and are usually pretty good at hiding it initially. Or she might be lying and have an axe to grind, who knows.

FrontEnd · 16/08/2023 19:42

If she used her real FB account when messaging you it's very, very unlikely to be completely baseless IMO.

TheCatterall · 16/08/2023 19:43

Abusers don’t generally show their true colours from the start it’s often a slow buildup.

how long have you been with your partner?

and yes I’d make a Claire’s law application just on the off chance. He would never find out you’d done one and it’s better to be on the safe side rather than sticking head in the sand.

at this point I wouldn’t mention anything to him until you’d done some research. If he was abusive he’ll just brush her off as some ‘crazy ex’ out for revenge etc.

Lovelynames123 · 16/08/2023 19:45

I agree re Claire's Law, you can do it online via your local police then someone will ring you to tell you if there is anything or not. I myself have reported an ex so there is a record of his behavior should someone make a CL application in the future, mine was emotionally abusive, I'm not sure I would necessarily warn someone directly, although I definitely would if it had been physical abuse.

You could also ask for further information from her. Abusive men are never abusive at the beginning, otherwise we'd never fall for them, then spend the rest of the relationship trying to get back to the person they were at the start, which was never the real them...Good luck

Original poster
Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:50

How long does it take to get a response regarding Claire's Law? Is it days or weeks or longer?
It only contains information if someone has been convicted of a crime, right?

OP posts:
MzHz · 16/08/2023 19:58

How long do you knowhim? How long have you been in a relationship with him

how’s it going? Can you check social media for this person?

NeverNoMore221 · 16/08/2023 20:00

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:50

How long does it take to get a response regarding Claire's Law? Is it days or weeks or longer?
It only contains information if someone has been convicted of a crime, right?

It won't be quick. At least a month I'd estimate.

If you haven't been with him long I'd run a mile personally.

Cowlover89 · 16/08/2023 20:06

How long have you been with him?

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2023 20:07

How long have you known him?
From experience when a woman says a man was abusive she’s usually telling the truth. What would she get out of lying? I’m sure if you confronted him he would claim that he either doesn’t know her or that she’s a ‘crazy ex’. So really it’s up to you what you do with the information you have been given.

Lovemusic33 · 16/08/2023 20:08

And remember that many abusers are never convicted of the crime so doing a police check doesn’t really mean much.

Original poster
Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 20:14

We've been together over a year and he has never shown any sign of aggression (passive or active).

OP posts:
Poshjock · 16/08/2023 20:15

Would it hurt to meet her and hear her story? You may be able to guage how genuine she is and you don't have to act on the information. Just be aware of the information and be vigilant.

If you are going to dig for info from him - be very wary. If it's true he's going to lie lie lie, and if you tell him she's contacted you it could be dangerous for both/either of you. If it's a lie, time will tell and you can forget about it.

I don't think you have anything to loose by gathering some more information.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/08/2023 20:19

Are you able to discreetly approach the shared friend for more detailed information or background?

Thoughtful2355 · 16/08/2023 20:33

Ohh i have experience in this!! So i was dating this guy and had been dating him for about 6 months when i also got a message from his ex, i was shocked i mean he was such a nice guy, really sweet and attentive and just overall a really cool guy.

I didnt believe her to be honest as it just didnt make sense to me but after about 14 months the red flags started showing and then i noticed that there had actually been a few red flags from the beginning although nothing too bad just very little stuff. I left SO quickly after the first major argument. omg it was bad, his temper was like a total different person.. he almost foamed at the mouth and reminded me of an animal with Rabies, it was just total switch into a menace. I never looked back and glad i left before i got stuck in it

Thoughtful2355 · 16/08/2023 20:34

BUT i would want more information first as it could be true but also might not be true, id want to know what exactly had happened but i wouldnt be more believing of her than him as she has less of a reason to lie.

Christonskiis · 16/08/2023 20:35

My ex was abusive and I have often thought about messaging his new gf, but they both cheated and will assume I am just jealous, or he will make that out.

I've also spoke to the ex before me and she has confirmed he was the same to her. These men don't change their behaviour and if she has reached out after more than a year it is unlikely to be jealousy.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/08/2023 20:35

There is no point asking him about it, if its true he will just lie. Ask for more info, if she says she was living with him I would be wary, abusers often wait to isolate their victim before ramping up.

Keep an eye out for any 'testing boundaries' behaviour, they push and prod gently at first to see what you will put up with.

If you move in together make sure you have a fuck off fund, don't get pregnant before you have lived with him long enough to be comfortable.

GoodChat · 16/08/2023 20:36

Ask her how long she was with him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/08/2023 20:41

Maybe do nothing
screenshot it , file it away and do literally nothing and don’t mention to him

and continue , and be mindful

maybe one day you will want to or need to reply to her ….

if not , so much the better

FireflyJar · 16/08/2023 20:49

Mine was wonderful for the first year, I loved him so much. Then he turned into an aggressive bully and I wish my friend who knew him had told me about him. He had been aggressive to his ex who had his 3 kids. She moved to another country to get away from him

EveryOtherNameTaken · 16/08/2023 20:49

Just seeing each on weekends will only show the nice bits. Most abuse from these types starts kicking in later when things are more permanent and they think they've 'got you under control'. No more need for Mr Nice Guy.
I'd ask her more questions.
I've been in an abusive relationship and would have been grateful for this chance.