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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Unsettling message from his "ex"

137 replies

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:31

I got a pretty strange and unsettling message via one of my social media channels and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. She basically claims to be an ex of my bf and that he was abusive towards her while they were together, and that she felt that she should tell me.
I haven’t replied yet and I am not sure if I want to, but this has shaken me up. First of all, I have no idea who she is and if any of this is even remotely true. It doesn’t sound like him at all either. I can see that she and him have a shared friend so it’s unlikely that she accidentally sent a message about the wrong person, but I can’t help wondering why she would do this now.
As I said nothing of what she described sounds even remotely like him. My first thought was to ask him about it but we usually only see each other at the weekend and I thought it might be best to raise it when we see each other. I don’t want to keep it from him either though.
Should I ask him about her first, or ask her for more information or more details in case she made it all up?

OP posts:

Dery · 17/08/2023 07:59

@Penguin2000 Not read the full thread but please, please, please do NOT discuss this with him. Maybe discuss further with her. And be vigilant. As a PP said, if she has attached her name to this warning, that shows she is willing to stand by what she has said. This may come to nothing. But if he is abusive, he’s not going to admit it to you and he may harm her.

Original poster

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 08:38

Thanks all. I won’t mention anything to him. I feel a bit conflicted and am tempting to make up a reason not to see him tomorrow to have some time to sort out my head, but we have a getaway and hotel booked and it doesn’t seem right to cancel this on a whim.
I’ll see what she replies

OP posts:

JibbaJab · 17/08/2023 09:06

Sorry, it's a difficult situation to be in but it's worth hearing her out at least and try to determine the truth.

No other signs with him of anything a miss?

It's not easy to spot, I only recognized mine a decade later after I got out and looked back on our relationship. I was blind at the time.

millymog11 · 17/08/2023 09:08

"If he is abusive like she says then I'm sure she would have reported."

Believe me when I say that many many many women are abused in their marriages/relationships and never report it for a whole host of reasons. Those men go on to do it again in their next relationship, unfortunately there are women (i was one) who are drawn like a magnet to men like this.
I also suspect there are police forces who operate on some kind of unwritten rule where they dismiss complaints about a man until there is some kind of pattern / multiple complaints from multiple different women, and then, and only then do they take them seriously and even start to ask questions.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 17/08/2023 09:09

Ot would be very unusual for her to use her real account with her real life details if there wasn't anything to it.

OnlineExxxcitement · 17/08/2023 09:17

You can still see him!

GoodChat · 17/08/2023 09:27

OnlineExxxcitement · 17/08/2023 09:17

You can still see him!

Would you still want to spend the weekend with someone you have discovered is potentially abusive?

crazeekat · 17/08/2023 09:39

do a clare's law app.
u will kick urself if something happens to u. i know it seems a bit unfair based on someone's say so in a pm but, had a friend go through fb with a new partner totally fuxked with her, i was petrified he was gonna kill her. messed her up a lot, his ex insisted he wasn't like that to her.
rather he be insulted than u being abused.
difficult, but u less u ask him right out how else will u know? enquire about her too tho, ie mutual friend, she may be a jealous fruitloop. hard one x

bellamae1 · 17/08/2023 11:00

Coming from
Someone who has had to message an abusive ex partner new girlfriend it
Took a very very long time to say the right words to her but she asked him he said I was lying until couple more months into the relationship and she ended up with a broken jaw. I wanted to warn her because she had a young child, she still hasn't seen sense as SS got involved with her daughter and now she hasn't got custody of her daughter, so If I was you id get a Claire's law application because he will just lie if you ask him

DontHaveAnyAnswers · 17/08/2023 11:24

Oh this Is really hard isn’t it? And I just want to send some positive wishes to you OP (I won’t say ‘good luck’) and I hope you get a good outcome from this, whatever that may look like.

I probably don’t have much to say that others haven’t said already, but please be very wary of him. I know that will be hard, if you have a happy and loving relationship. The thing is, a lot of people like this honestly don’t know they are doing it/going to do it. If that makes sense.
He may well not want to be like this anymore, and he’s really trying to make things work with you, which is why you’ve only seen his ‘nice side’. But, it can often take a long time for things to change, and you just don’t know if, and when, this may happen.
Try to stay positive, stay strong, and wishing you all the best. Don’t make any rash decisions, but hopefully you’ll know what the right thing is once you have all the facts.

BibbityBobbety · 17/08/2023 11:57

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 08:38

Don't cancel the holiday, you can still go. But please don't discuss this with him when you are away from home and friends/family. Wait till you are back at your place and have any conversation then. Just on the off chance she is right and telling him triggers some anger towards you- you're always vulnerable away from home.

Be very observant during the trip though and see if anything she tells is revealing itself.

Original poster

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 12:08

No I am not going to say anything to him but I am feeling on edge because I am not sure when she will reply.
Now I’m sitting here trying to think if are or were any red flags that I didn’t notice but I don’t think I’m helping myself here and might just be making myself more anxious. I have had bad relationships before and this one seems different

OP posts:

Olika · 17/08/2023 12:13

I think it was right thing to response to this woman. Don't know what to do about seeing him this weekend though as I wouldn't be able to hide something being off.

yellowsmileyface · 17/08/2023 12:25

In these instances it's usually more commonly the case that the woman is telling the truth than lying.

The fact you're getting this message after being with him for a year is more of an indication that there's some truth to it IMO. If she was actually just a bitter ex who's lying to get back at him, surely you would have received such a message when you got together? Wouldn't she be over her bitterness by now?

It can take victims of abuse a long time to really process what's happened and realise the gravity of the abuse endured.

How has he talked about his past relationships? What were his reasons for his previous relationships ending?

I agree with others, I think you should fully get her side of the story. If you would feel comfortable meeting her in person, you might get a better feel for how genuine she is.

Blottingpaperscript · 17/08/2023 12:51

Having been at the hands of an abuser who didn't become really abusive until nearly a year in I would ask yourself if it is really worth not believing her. You will always have doubts where he is concerned now, and the consequences of taking the risk and believing the ex (ending the relationship) are preferable to the consequences of not believing her (ending up at the hands of an abuser). My relationship was short at under two years, but the damage he did to me haunts me still nearly 15 years later. It's not worth it in my opinion.

ClementWeatherToday · 17/08/2023 12:54

I have had bad relationships before and this one seems different

Having had bad relationships.begire unfortunately makes you very vulnerable to subsequent abusive relationships - especially if a new partner is abusive in "different" ways to previous. Have you done the Freedom Programme? It's designed to help you recognise and prevent those sorts of patterns.

I was struck that you initially said he's never been aggressive. Aggression is rarely the first sign of abuse, the first signs will be much, much more subtle than that.

Does he love bomb you, does he dislike your friends and/or family, is he controlling (even in a "nice" way - "you don't have to worry about that, I'll do it for you"), is he moody, do you find yourself treading on eggshells around him, how does he treat waitresses/other people he may view as in a "lower" position then himself, can you say no to him, do you avoid raising certain topics with him for fear of his reaction, is he overly concerned with your sexual history, is he possessive (again, even in a "nice" way - "but I just love you so much"), does he try to isolate you or stop you going out ("why aren't I enough for you?"), is he hyper critical of you... There are loads of possible red flags that aren't aggression. Aggression is usually way, way down the list of abusive tactics (all are designed.to control you).

fullbloom87 · 17/08/2023 13:01

There was post about this Should I tell his new partners he is abusive? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4776578-should-i-tell-his-new-partners-he-is-abusive

Original poster

Penguin2000 · 17/08/2023 15:54

I haven’t done the freedom programme, no.
I don’t think he has been abusive. I really haven’t seen any signs where he has been possessive, or controlling. Obviously he can be grumpy at times (who isn’t), but he’s never made me feel like I was the reason because he told me why he was down.

The only thing that sometimes annoys me is when he clearly isn’t listening when I tell him something. I usually only realise after a while, but I don’t to talk a lot 😂

He is very different when he is in work mode though, but this is something that I have seen before with people.
Thinking about it now I have noticed some strange paranoid tendencies but they didn’t affect me or were directed at me.

OP posts:

SaleOfTwoTitties · 17/08/2023 16:58

It's good of the ex to give you a heads up. I hope you don't mention her to him as I would worry about her. At least now, you can be aware and have a chance to decide. If you only see him at weekends, you are definitely not seeing the whole version. Good luck.

steelingmyself · 02/09/2023 23:30

Just wondered if there was any update on this one. Are you ok OP?

Original poster

Penguin2000 · 10/09/2023 19:27

steelingmyself · 02/09/2023 23:30

Just wondered if there was any update on this one. Are you ok OP?

Sorry. I hadn't really logged on for a while.
I did meet her and we spoke, and I believe that she told me the truth about what he was like. I know that I will be lambasted here but I have not made a decision yet because I don't want to ruin what we have in case he changed 😔

OP posts:

monsteramunch · 10/09/2023 19:42

Oh OP, you believe her that he was abusive but still don't want to stop seeing him?

It's your choice of course but there were some potential red flags even in your earlier posts:

The only thing that sometimes annoys me is when he clearly isn’t listening when I tell him something.

Thinking about it now I have noticed some strange paranoid tendencies but they didn’t affect me or were directed at me.

Do you have kids at all? I ask as it's one thing to take the risk yourself but another if there are children in your orbit.

MadeForThis · 10/09/2023 19:51

You know that you need to protect yourself. It's up to you how you do it.

Christonskiis · 10/09/2023 19:57

If your initials are LP then it is not just one ex who he has treated terribly

FrontEnd · 10/09/2023 20:04

ah @Penguin2000 he has not changed....I was once like you and I know how difficult it is. I tried to convince myself too. At least you know to watch for the signs when they come (and they will). Take good care of yourself.

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