Unsettling message from his "ex"

[Penguin2000]

I got a pretty strange and unsettling message via one of my social media channels and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. She basically claims to be an ex of my bf and that he was abusive towards her while they were together, and that she felt that she should tell me.
I haven’t replied yet and I am not sure if I want to, but this has shaken me up. First of all, I have no idea who she is and if any of this is even remotely true. It doesn’t sound like him at all either. I can see that she and him have a shared friend so it’s unlikely that she accidentally sent a message about the wrong person, but I can’t help wondering why she would do this now.
As I said nothing of what she described sounds even remotely like him. My first thought was to ask him about it but we usually only see each other at the weekend and I thought it might be best to raise it when we see each other. I don’t want to keep it from him either though.
Should I ask him about her first, or ask her for more information or more details in case she made it all up?

Not saying she's lying, she could very well be telling the truth so don't take what I'm saying as that.

However, I've not long got out of an abusive relationship and it was my wife. Just like others are saying, mine didn't start being abusive until over a year we were perfectly fine, then she changed and it got worse year after year.

I asked her about past partners as I had heard things and she made out they were crazy, abusive horrible people. I've since learned they are not and faced the same behavior.

If you ask him he wary of the victim act and take note of any indication that he doesn't like you prying or being accused, blamed or criticized.

Hope that helps in some way. I didn't notice the signs until it was too late.

Don’t tell him, if he did abuse her then telling him could put her in danger or at risk of new abuse.

If you don’t believe her then do nothing, but bear it in mind and get out at the first red flag.

It can take a long long time for abuse to start but there are always red flags. Is there anything at all?

I think you should screenshot it. My friend a few years ago was engaged to a guy who spoke harshly of his ex to her (said she was cruel and a bad person blah blah) and she believed it, which is understandable. A few months before the wedding the ex contacted her on social media telling her how abusive he was towards her and controlling and that they were married, then divorced!! He left that out! Anyways, my friend, completely mad, forgave him for not telling her he was married before and believed him when he said the ex was just out to get him etc etc, all base on the fact that he was treating her well. Anyways, fast forward a few months after their wedding, he became quite emotionally abusive, even disappeared for a few weeks, didn't even tell her where he was going, and just really weird behaviour and eventually they got divorced too. I'm only messaging you this because you can't always trust how someone treats you necessarily, you have to also look at how they treat others. Regarding your own situation, I think you should screenshot the message sent to you. If you don't want to respond then don't. But do share it with someone you know and care about (and they you, but not your bf), so you can keep track and check in on yourself and make sure you're safe. Personally, I would be mindful that if what she has told you is true, then telling him might not be safe for her. At the same time, if you have no reason to believe her, it doesn't mean that it isn't true either, maybe it did happen. First and foremost, I would keep myself safe and see how the relationship is since you trust him now. But if you notice any red flags, get the hell out of there. Good lucl.

A year still isn't very long. I was with my ex for 3.5 years when we got married, and there were no signs of aggression from him towards me. Two months after our wedding he beat me up and tried to strangle me. You don't know someone fully after a year.

OP I'd be listening very hard. And I'd say nothing to him. Meet her for a coffee and lend her your ears and ask for proof. Take it from there. No smoke without a fire.
If she's lying tell him what she's been up to.

Whatever you do do not mention it to him yet as it could put you in a dangerous position

I've had to be this girl when I was 22. Saw a girl with my ex and found her online and told her that he r me numerous times. She blocked me but girl code

Do you have to pay for a Claires Law application when you give the details to the police for them to search and get back to you (does anyone know? I was just curious)

I’d be inclined to listen to what she has to say.

If she wanted to cause trouble, she’s more likely to say he’s cheating?

Accusing someone of a size is a heavier stone to throw….?

Size = abuse

Personally I wouldn't take her word for it. I would do a clares law and then go from there. If he is abusive like she says then I'm sure she would have reported. If not then I would wonder why she didn't report it yet wanted to warn me...

Please try to meet this woman for a coffee and listen to what she has to say. At the very least a phone call before you discuss with him.

If he is a decent man he will understand why you wanted to hear her out.

Adding to the choir of "my ex partner wasn't abusive, until he was." It can take years to surface.

Don't do that. If he's truly been abusive towards her that could put her in danger.

Two of my extremely abusive ex's are the most gentle, charming and frankly, meek & mild "little sweethearts" you'll ever meet. Until they've got you firmly under their grip.

My Dad was the funniest, chattiest, most generous man you' could ever meet. EVERYONE knew & loved him. He was like Delboy. He also beat the living crap out of me and my mum.
After he died, it inadvertently came out and a couple who my mum & dad had been best friends with for 50+ years (my godparents!!), stopped talking to my mum completely as they refused to believe her. Despite myself & my brother backing up every word of it. My mum has never told a lie in her life, it's not in her character and they admitted that they knew this, yet still refused to believe him to be capable of it. That's now 'well met' he was.

Every person on earth is different behind closed doors. Some a lot less than others. Some much, much more so than others.

It may not be true what this woman has written, but with regards to one of my exes, I was that woman. I felt I was doing the right thing - solidarity in women and all that. She chose not to believe it and blocked me. Yet every word of what I wrote was 100% accurate. So it can & does happen

Please do message her. You may be the believing ear she needs

Realistically there's a far higher chance that it's true rather than she's a crazy person making it up.

I would ask her for more details/info.

Also, even if there's nothing found under Claire's Law it doesn't mean he's not an abuser. I was sexually assaulted by an ex. When I reported it to the police they told me that he had no convictions but there was one other report made exactly the same as mine from several years ago.

I've heard of many cases where a woman has been married to a man for a while, she gets pregnant and suddenly her formerly sweet, kind partner starts being violent towards her.

Someone tried to warn me about my ex when he and I had first gotten together. I thought she was just angry he had moved on - it wasn’t until years later I realized how horrible he was, and how years with him had turned me into a scared, abused woman walking on eggshells.
I am grateful she tried. I wish I had listened.

I swore I’d never again believe a man’s word against a woman’s.

Another Crazy Ex Girlfriend.🤔
Believe her.

If he is abusive like she says then I'm sure she would have reported.

I am almost certain that an awful lot of abuse never gets reported. I did not report a single one of the instances of abuse, including the two times I was raped in relationships (because, how do you prove that you definitely told them no and they did it anyway; I freeze rather than fight, so little sign of struggle etc.), the time my ex husband strangled me I covered the marks up and didn't report it (for fear of losing everything; we worked in the same job which he would have lost as a consequence, and people talk), the many times I was emotionally abused and sexually coerced, because you just cannot prove it.

One of my exes was arrested twice on accusations of rape, but never convicted, had 2 other girls tell similar stories, still works as a teacher because on paper he's innocent and still has a bunch of people believing that he is just incredibly unlucky with girls accusing him left, right and centre of sexual abuse. He was sexually coercive and had a massive temper on him, but could be oh so charming. I didn't report, because I was with him when he got arrested the second time on a historical case, but let go again and managed to spin a tale. I left him soon after that because I saw what a predator he was, and no doubt I am just another crazy ex now to his new girlfriends.

I have thought so many times about contacting potential new girlfriends of his and of my ex husband's, but with the former I would just run the risk of re-focusing his energy on me and with the latter, he has me over a barrel with the kids, so I can't do either. He has already alienated me from his family and all shared friends, so who would believe me, anyway?

So, OP, please tread carefully. It takes a lot of guts to come forward and speak about abuse for fear of ramnifications. Please do not tell him about the message, but be extra vigilant from now on. I hope that, in your case, it is not true, but please be careful.

I would be inclined to believe her.

I've had this happen in the past but my ex had me believing she was just out to cause trouble.

A few years in it became abundantly clear that she was telling the truth and luckily I'd never forgotten what she said to me. I got out and it turns out he's been the same with 3-4 other women before and since.

I would ask for more info.

If you'd been together a month and she'd messaged that, then I'd think perhaps there was a chance that she was a psycho ex and wanted to split you up. But a year later seems too long for her to do this out of spite. Let's face it, it's probably true.

I wouldn't worry about hurting him by asking for more info. He doesn't have to know that you've asked for further information. I think it would be best to know more and then you can make a judgement.

I think female safety from abuse is more important than the alleged male perpetrator’s feelings. If he wouldn’t understand that, or understand why you’d ask for more information, then that’s a bit of a red flag.

Thanks all, I did write to her last night and I’ll look into the Clare’s law inquiry. I have a bit of a knot in my stomach now

neighbours of my then boyfriend made a comment about the reasons his ex had left, saying it couldn’t be right (pilar of the local community, high earner blah blah), I did a Claire’s law and there had been THREE serious reports about him, women too scared to take it any further legally. Police told me quite calmly to leave and block him in every way possible and to call 999 if he tried to contact me again. I did exactly that.