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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsettling message from his "ex"

137 replies

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:31

I got a pretty strange and unsettling message via one of my social media channels and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. She basically claims to be an ex of my bf and that he was abusive towards her while they were together, and that she felt that she should tell me.
I haven’t replied yet and I am not sure if I want to, but this has shaken me up. First of all, I have no idea who she is and if any of this is even remotely true. It doesn’t sound like him at all either. I can see that she and him have a shared friend so it’s unlikely that she accidentally sent a message about the wrong person, but I can’t help wondering why she would do this now.
As I said nothing of what she described sounds even remotely like him. My first thought was to ask him about it but we usually only see each other at the weekend and I thought it might be best to raise it when we see each other. I don’t want to keep it from him either though.
Should I ask him about her first, or ask her for more information or more details in case she made it all up?

OP posts:
southern82 · 10/09/2023 20:04

I was the ex that messaged the new girlfriend, I wasn't believed. Infact, she called me vile names and said how gentle and loving he is.
I sent her proof from court documents of all the abuse and him admitting it. He even hit me whilst pregnant, but again, I was told that I'm a vile pig and she felt sorry for my child to have such an awful mother as me.
I won't be warning anyone again! I would believe what she has to say

PinkiOcelot · 10/09/2023 20:05

I don’t think he’s really had a chance to show his true colours if you only see him on a weekend. I would definitely take heed of what she said. These guys don’t change OP.

Original poster
Penguin2000 · 10/09/2023 20:15

No, we don't have children so it's just us. I know this will sound pathetic but he has been really good to me since I met him, and he has helped me a lot.
He is 100% paranoid about some things but it does not involve or impact me, apart from him annoying me at times.

She was very nice, and she did mention some things that I recognised too, but our experiences have been different. Maybe I am an idiot after all

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 10/09/2023 20:30

Do you want kids at some point in the future @Penguin2000?

If so, I don't think it's responsible or fair to be with a man you believe has a history of being abusive in relationships.

threadripper · 10/09/2023 20:40

OP - people who are abusers DO NOT CHANGE.
I realise that you think you have something great going on here and it will certainly look that way for now.
If this woman is warning you that he has an abusive nature it will rear its ugly head sooner or later.
Please TAKE HEED.

H112 · 10/09/2023 20:43

You only see him at the weekend when he's relaxed. Maybe he gets stressed and aggressive during the work week?

It took her courage to send you the message.

I'd have a goooood snoop online and have an honest think about any red flags

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 20:43

Is it just a spam message? Of there is a mutual friend ask them do they know her as you had a friend request and you don't know her.

Could well be a scammer

monsteramunch · 10/09/2023 20:46

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 20:43

Is it just a spam message? Of there is a mutual friend ask them do they know her as you had a friend request and you don't know her.

Could well be a scammer

OP has now met her and believes her.

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 20:48

monsteramunch · 10/09/2023 20:46

OP has now met her and believes her.

Show quote history

I have just noticed the update

Redlarge · 10/09/2023 20:50

Dont believe a word she says, she will be mentally ill, an alcoholic a crank and obsessed with him. Just ask him, he'll explain..

Mountainsandlakes · 10/09/2023 20:52

Oh OP, I hope you end the relationship. Abusive men never change, but they are good at keeping their behaviour in check, until they decide not to...

A dear friend of mine ignored a similar message. Her partner kept his temper in check for almost 2 years, then he assaulted both her and her daughter. She reported him and he was convicted for his assaults. She's now good friends with the woman who warned her and bitterly regrets not listening.

HiBarbiee · 10/09/2023 20:55

Of course you won’t see it, you only see him at weekends.

abuse is criminal, I’m not sure why you want to continue know who he is

Thoughtful2355 · 10/09/2023 21:16

Problem is that abusers can completely change into abusive once marriage or kids come into the picture. they can hide theyre true selfs for quite a while and then the switch just gets flicked on

Thoughtful2355 · 10/09/2023 21:17

also things to ask yourself

  1. have you seen him drunk?
  2. have you seen him when hes stressed or for more than a few hours/1 day at a time
  3. how would he react if you said no to sex?
Loubelle70 · 10/09/2023 21:22

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 20:14

We've been together over a year and he has never shown any sign of aggression (passive or active).

With respect, because you only see him at weekends you probably dont know him enough for him to show these traits. Tbh id message her back get any more details you need then ask him about his exes? If name matches up, well its probably Also why would she wait this long if youve been seeing him for a year? If was unfounded and just bitterness she would have been in touch beforehand. I think shes telling truth. She has been very brave telling you tbh. If true, thank her xx

Original poster
Penguin2000 · 10/09/2023 21:34

Thoughtful2355 · 10/09/2023 21:17

also things to ask yourself

  1. have you seen him drunk?
  2. have you seen him when hes stressed or for more than a few hours/1 day at a time
  3. how would he react if you said no to sex?

1 and 2 no issues, but 3 could be an issue I think.

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 10/09/2023 21:39

Oh love, the fact you think he may have an issue if you turned him down for sex is a massive red flag. If you thought this girl was telling the truth, please listen to her. She wouldn't be warning you if she wasn't really worried.

mommatoone · 10/09/2023 21:52

Bloody hell OP. Just seen your update (point 3). Deep down , you must know this relationship isnt for you. What do you think would happen if you refused sex? The thought just fills me with dread. Please dont leave it until its too late and you dont have the confidence to leave. Take care of yourself.

monsteramunch · 10/09/2023 21:54

1 and 2 no issues, but 3 could be an issue I think.

OP this is terrifying, genuinely.

The fact you even think it could cause an issue to say no to sex means this man is not a safe partner.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with a man you even think that might be an issue with.

Please stop ignoring your gut as well as this woman's experiences.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 22:28

monsteramunch · 10/09/2023 21:54

1 and 2 no issues, but 3 could be an issue I think.

OP this is terrifying, genuinely.

The fact you even think it could cause an issue to say no to sex means this man is not a safe partner.

You cannot have a healthy relationship with a man you even think that might be an issue with.

Please stop ignoring your gut as well as this woman's experiences.

I agree.

Op as your stage of the relationship I thought I had met a man of my dreams. It was only when he moved in and I was pregnant pretty soon after he showed his true colours. Punching walls screaming at me saying it was all my fault and I was a neurotic etc. but then totally lovely again the next day/week. Look at my user name to see how this relationship went.!

He's shown you enough red flags for me to believe her- she took a risk reaching out to you. I know it will hurt but I think you should end it while you can safely and also DO NOT tell him that she contacted you- you could put her at risk of being injured or killed and I'm not exaggerating

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2023 22:29

octoberfarm · 10/09/2023 21:39

Oh love, the fact you think he may have an issue if you turned him down for sex is a massive red flag. If you thought this girl was telling the truth, please listen to her. She wouldn't be warning you if she wasn't really worried.

Even if you didn't believe her point 3 is enough to know you need to leave him

JibbaJab · 10/09/2023 22:47

Just wanted to say, what everyone is saying is true what you see in the early days is a lie, a false persona. This is exactly what happened with my wife, perfect match until we got married and had kids. From that point on someone dark and abusive emerged and even then it wasn't her true self. I finally saw her true self once I was discarded and forced out in a rage and it was harrowing.

She's now trying to destroy me to cover up her behavior, post separation abuse and has created an entirely new persona back into the same victim I first fell for.

purplebluediscorain · 10/09/2023 22:51

i mean I wasn’t shown any for the first year most of which I was pregnant then it got progressively worse and then it ended up physical when ohe child wasn’t around so don’t believe just because he’s been okay for the First year that it will just be okay! Do your research and so a Claire’s law. I spoke to his exs and got the full picture and when I called him
out he still lied but it turned out he was treating everyone the same one after another

Redlarge · 10/09/2023 22:58

JibbaJab · 10/09/2023 22:47

Just wanted to say, what everyone is saying is true what you see in the early days is a lie, a false persona. This is exactly what happened with my wife, perfect match until we got married and had kids. From that point on someone dark and abusive emerged and even then it wasn't her true self. I finally saw her true self once I was discarded and forced out in a rage and it was harrowing.

She's now trying to destroy me to cover up her behavior, post separation abuse and has created an entirely new persona back into the same victim I first fell for.

Omg do you have kids

TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 10/09/2023 23:00

If he had nothing to hide you talking to her wouldn't be a problem.

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