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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Unsettling message from his "ex"

137 replies

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:31

I got a pretty strange and unsettling message via one of my social media channels and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. She basically claims to be an ex of my bf and that he was abusive towards her while they were together, and that she felt that she should tell me.
I haven’t replied yet and I am not sure if I want to, but this has shaken me up. First of all, I have no idea who she is and if any of this is even remotely true. It doesn’t sound like him at all either. I can see that she and him have a shared friend so it’s unlikely that she accidentally sent a message about the wrong person, but I can’t help wondering why she would do this now.
As I said nothing of what she described sounds even remotely like him. My first thought was to ask him about it but we usually only see each other at the weekend and I thought it might be best to raise it when we see each other. I don’t want to keep it from him either though.
Should I ask him about her first, or ask her for more information or more details in case she made it all up?

OP posts:
TheBrightestStarInTheSky · 16/08/2023 20:52

I do think women try to look out for another in cases such as this.
The fact she said abusive would ring alarm bells, if she was just out to cause trouble she could easily have said cheating etc.
I would want the other women to know, one to give her a heads up, and because l couldn't live with myself if something terrible happened and l had kept quiet.

topnoddy · 16/08/2023 20:55

"Claims to be an ex"

Any proof of that being the case ?

RLmadmum · 16/08/2023 21:08

I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say I had a message like this from one of my ex's ex when we were together. The relationship was pretty new and definitely gave me some red flags. I did get some more information from her and it was definitely alarming, when I asked him about it at the time he was pretty shocked and upset by it so I thought to just see how it went.

However; in the three years we were together, he never showed any signs of abuse once. That's not to say she was lying, she may not have been, but he was always genuinely really good with me and is now happily married to someone else and has children. I don't know if she was telling the truth or wanted to cause problems but I'll never know!

C1N1C · 16/08/2023 21:08

It could be a psycho ex trying to break you up by seeding doubts...

I'm ask for some pics together, some details and duration of relationship from her.

From him I'd simply ask who she is.if he says he doesn't know and she has sent a pic etc, he's a liar. If he gives details and slams her, you need to gather more evidence.

DJT30 · 16/08/2023 21:11

This may be relevant to this story or May not be but... I knew a girl who fancied her ex yeeeears after he broke up with her. She used to stalk her ex's new girlfriend and then got extra jealous when he proposed. She then messaged his fiancé and made up some story about how he's a serial cheater, they've been sleeping together for years etc. Unsure what happened between the engaged couple because I only knew the ex girlfriend who made it all up but... these things happen!

Gingerkittykat · 16/08/2023 21:29

Believe her.

There are a few times I've desperately wanted to message my ex's new partner to warn hem about his abuse. The main reason I haven't is because he's got in there first by telling her I'm schizophrenic (I'm not!) so obviously anything I say is just the ravings of a crazy ex.

romdowa · 16/08/2023 21:47

Ask her for more information but I wouldn't say anything to him just yet

Janieforever · 16/08/2023 22:10

I think this is more likely to be true than not. You also know he will deny it. He’s not going to admit it. I’d ask to speak on the phone or meet and get more info.

7eleven · 16/08/2023 22:12

I’d be careful as telling him could potentially put this woman at risk of repercussions.

totallyteutonic · 16/08/2023 22:14

I've been in this situation too; in my case, the ex gf got in touch to say my then-bf was physically abusive with her. He dismissed it as a bad relationship and said she pushed and hit him too. I knew the ex relatively well and could believe they were a bad combination. He never did anything like that with me, but I think we were a better match (I am extremely calm & not an arguer, so things never escalated that way), but I definitely saw his temper come out in different situations with other people in our time together. Overall I should have listened to her, as he was not a great dude, despite treating me quite well.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 22:18

Yetanothernamechangeagain · 16/08/2023 19:35

Maybe you could make a Claire’s Law application?

Yes you should do this

Meifly · 16/08/2023 22:18

My friend received a similar message before about the absolutely lovely guy she was seeing. She ignored it and tbh I don't blame her as having met the guy it seemed totally the opposite of his personality. It was only after they moved in and were living together for a while that he started to become controlling and at times very scary towards her. In the end she found out he was cheating and he left to be with the OW.

It never became physically abusive as the fb ex said but from hearing how he treated her at the end I have no doubt now that's where it would have led to

Do some detective work if you can but I would at least talk to her or any mutual friends before you let him know about the message. If he is a decent guy he should understand why you needed to be cautious

BibbityBobbety · 16/08/2023 22:18

I wouldn't immediately believe her until you've had more facts. Arrange a face to face meet up rather than over message or at least a phone call if she's not in the same city. A year in, you should know who his ex-es are - is she definitely an ex? Can you ask any mutual friends if they know her?

Have you ever spent more than a weekend with him - like a long holiday or the Xmas period? Have you ever seen him angry or frustrated - I would also be concerned if he has never expressed a negative emotion as that's not entirely normal either. Do you know any other ex-es and are they still in contact with him?

There are a lot of abusive men who hide their true colours well but also a lot of female crackpots. I was friends with a woman who was still in love with her ex FIVE years after they split and he moved abroad. She thought they'd still get back together, even when he started seeing someone new. He got engaged to his gf and this girl lost the plot - had a very public meltdown on social media over it and started posting their messages claiming he was cheating with her. It was rubbish, and I knew she was just obsessive because she stalked him and talked abt him every day.

Don't jump to conclusions. Get the facts from her before you speak to him. If she refuses to give you specific incidents, be wary. If their relationship just sounds toxic as a whole, be wary - some people just bring out the worst in each other. Make a Claire's Law request. Talk to mutual friends. Then ask him about it and watch his reaction. If he gets angry or defensive, be wary. If he calls her crazy, be wary. There isn't a normal reaction to something like this so at the end you'll have to just trust your gut.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 22:19

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 19:50

How long does it take to get a response regarding Claire's Law? Is it days or weeks or longer?
It only contains information if someone has been convicted of a crime, right?

Weeks, and if they have been arrested they will tell you even if she dropped it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/08/2023 22:19

I would speak to her on the phone

Duchessofspace · 16/08/2023 22:22

FrontEnd · 16/08/2023 19:42

If she used her real FB account when messaging you it's very, very unlikely to be completely baseless IMO.

Before you ask him - ask her what happened, if the police were involved, if anyone else can verify it - or was aware or evidence (-abusive texts etc)

do not mention it to him yet

my ex was abusive - I thought about reaching out to the next few girlfriends / wives - but I didn’t as I was a coward and having survived I just wanted to move on.

listen first

just listen

talk to her - make notes

abusers, they lie and think up excuses quickly and seek to muddy the waters eg I am mental apparently as well as his 3 others ex wives …. We are all educated, intelligent, mental women who are jealous and obsessed and can’t let him go. He didn’t want any of us meeting and exchanging notes ….

so please listen

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 22:28

I would start off in a position of believing her. Why would she say such a thing if it wasn't true? I also wouldn't tell him about this, because if he is violent, he could really hurt her.

You need a lot more information from her and yes, as others have said anyone else who can corroborate it would be really really useful.

Original poster
Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 22:33

I think if I ask her for more information and tell him later it might look like I believed her and this might hurt him. I just keep thinking if it was the other way around I'd feel hurt.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 22:39

I would take that risk. Surely he would understand that you would have to ask more questions?

BygoneDays · 16/08/2023 22:41

LTB now!!!

Littlemisslonley · 16/08/2023 22:53

Ask for the info. Then decide.

Shortpoet · 16/08/2023 23:00

Id ask for more details. I’d also observe what he’s like if you say no to him. Eg. If he wants to watch a particular film, how does he react if you say you don’t fancy it?
Think back where you’ve had a difference of opinion and how it went.
If you’ve always gone along with what he wants, then think about making a different suggestion to see how he responds.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/08/2023 23:23

Shortpoet · 16/08/2023 23:00

Id ask for more details. I’d also observe what he’s like if you say no to him. Eg. If he wants to watch a particular film, how does he react if you say you don’t fancy it?
Think back where you’ve had a difference of opinion and how it went.
If you’ve always gone along with what he wants, then think about making a different suggestion to see how he responds.

Agree with this.

I wouldn't mention it to him yet, apply for a Claire's Law in the meantime as well

Meifly · 16/08/2023 23:35

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 22:33

I think if I ask her for more information and tell him later it might look like I believed her and this might hurt him. I just keep thinking if it was the other way around I'd feel hurt.

I think most good men would understand and sympathise with why a woman would want to gain more information rather than take him at his word since women are more likely to be the victims of abuse and have to learn to be cautious. If you say you received a worrying message about him so talked to the woman who sent it and he started to get upset about you not automatically trusting him / going behind his back etc. Then that's a red flag in itself

BibbityBobbety · 16/08/2023 23:43

Penguin2000 · 16/08/2023 22:33

I think if I ask her for more information and tell him later it might look like I believed her and this might hurt him. I just keep thinking if it was the other way around I'd feel hurt.

But you're a woman. So how you feel and respond is not how he should feel and respond. You have to worry about being beaten up or abused, he probably doesn't. If this was an accusation of cheating, fair enough to ask him first. But if the accusation is abuse that could be a risk to your life.

Any decent man will understand the fear and risks to your safety and why you might want to be cautious and ask her first. You only see him at weekends despite being together for a year - he can't expect the same kind of automatic trust you'd give a man you lived with or had been with for years.

If he isn't understanding about it, that's your red flag. It's 2023 and he knows the dangers women face and he should expect you to investigate before you say anything. Stop worrying so much about he feels. I wouldn't automatically believe her but I also wouldn't put the feelings of a man I only see at weekends over my own safety...

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