Unsettling message from his "ex"

[Penguin2000]

I got a pretty strange and unsettling message via one of my social media channels and I’m not sure what to do about it yet. She basically claims to be an ex of my bf and that he was abusive towards her while they were together, and that she felt that she should tell me.
I haven’t replied yet and I am not sure if I want to, but this has shaken me up. First of all, I have no idea who she is and if any of this is even remotely true. It doesn’t sound like him at all either. I can see that she and him have a shared friend so it’s unlikely that she accidentally sent a message about the wrong person, but I can’t help wondering why she would do this now.
As I said nothing of what she described sounds even remotely like him. My first thought was to ask him about it but we usually only see each other at the weekend and I thought it might be best to raise it when we see each other. I don’t want to keep it from him either though.
Should I ask him about her first, or ask her for more information or more details in case she made it all up?

Yes, she has taken them from me and I'm desperately trying to fight for them. Fully isolated for five months now, done the same to the entire family both sides.

Bastard.at least he was convicted, most arent.
Please stay safe and dont let false optimism or your heart cloud your judgement. Xx

Good luck. Its all so awful.

It is, incredibly evil and disgusting that I have been living with an imposter all this time. Will not relinquish control, taken everything from underneath me, house and the children. Nobody in our entire family have seen or spoken to them at all as well as me.

I can't do anything either because anything I do is used against me so, I'm having to wait for court, while also defending myself against false accusations and smearing.

Thank you, time is moving excruciatingly slow but hopefully get somewhere soon.

Saying no to sex.

What happened in a previous abusive relationship started with sulking. Then saying I obviously didnt want him. Progressed to accusations of me cheating because if I didnt want sex with him it was because I was getting it somewhere else (he was cheating on me, I didnt know at that point) then it got to the point that he took the sex he wanted. I stopped saying no and fighting it because sex I didnt want that didnt hurt was less bad than the alternative.

What happens with my current partner (in fact, happened today) was him trying it on a bit and me not feeling it and me saying "Not in the mood, bugger off!" and he laughed and said that I was worth waiting for. Then he messaged me later (we live apart by choice) and called me selfish for going home and leaving him wanting me, but it was said in a fun silly way that we do with each other. In other words, absolutely no issues whatsoever.

See the difference?

If you recognise some things she's mentioned then you know she's not lying. Abusive men don't change.

People who are abusive are the most wonderful people you could meet in the beginning. That's what makes it so hard to walk away. The mask only slips when they feel sure you're sufficiently trapped. Common milestones that trigger abuse are cohabitation, marriage, and pregnancy.

I know it's hard to walk away when you haven't fully seen this side of him yet, but they don't change. It's who he is.

3 is a massive red flag. Leave him now. He will test and prod the edges, wait til you're comfortable and in love and then his true colours have come out.

What is the reason she has given for you not seeing them. How old are they?

@Redlarge Apparently I'm extremely dangerous but that wasn't the original narrative. It changed to that once I didn't agree to being used any further and wanted to spend time with daughters on own, like I had a week before, which they also wanted to do. So took offense and did all this...

Nothing makes sense, it's all contradictory and third parties so far can see it, including police as I have a lot of evidence to prove the lies being told but got to wait for court still.

They are seven and nine.

Oh dear God. Your relationship is a disaster waiting to happen and one you continue, being fully aware of that. You do know that humans have the ability to appear to be someone they’re totally not don’t you?
The ex put herself out there, probably after a long time hand wringing and wondering if she was doing the right thing telling you and yet here you are still wanting to give him a chance.
You would be crackers to continue with the relationship.
Do yourself a favour and end it now before it results in heartbreak and god knows what else.

The fact that you said it could be an issue if you refused sex is a massive red flag.
My ex sulked the first time I said no. I thought it was weird yet he kept saying that it was normal and of course he was going to feel odd after being rejected.

He started coercing me into sex. "I need to have sex to feel loved and you need to feel loved to have sex, you know I'll cuddle you after" and many other tactics.

He was pushy and insisted on getting a blowjob every single time. He was a head pusher and enjoyed it when I gagged and my eyes were watering. Extremely unpleasant.

Sex became something I tried to avoid. The manipulation and coercion became more.

What started off as a fairly normal sex life, slowly turned into him wanting me to put on a proper show every time. This was because he was watching extreme amounts of porn.

His demands got more and more and by the end he was choking me during sex. This was not something we had ever discussed and really took me by surprise as it's something I feel is quite extreme.

I spoke to his ex before me and she confirmed all of the above happened with her, as well as more.

He won't change, abusers are abusers. You might not even notice it escalating but it will. It has taken me months to really get to the bottom of what I went through.

OP I do believe people can change but I think it’s somewhat irrelevant as Point 3 is terrifying. The only acceptable answer to point 3 at any stage in a relationship is ‘of course they’d be fine about it’.