Wife feeling disconnected and growing apart, with a plot twist

[Lonbarmos]

Long time poster / reader but have set up a new account to post this.

I was hit with a bombshell over the weekend. I was putting our 2-year-old to bed when my wife walked in and put a few pieces of paper on the cabinet next to me saying 'please read this when you're done and then we can talk downstairs'. For context, we've been together 18 years having met at Uni. Married 11 years, three young children aged 2, 6, 9. I'm 38, she's 36.

Added context before I get to the letter... we haven't been 'happy' for 12-18 months and we've had a couple of big heart to heart chats in that time. We have lots of nice moments but most of the time we're just passing ships, running around after the kids, ferrying them from hobby to hobby. Sex has slowed down to once a month not helped by our 2yo co-sleeping in between us. Cost of living has also been a factor adding financial pressure, for reference I bring in 75% of the household income. I maybe naively just thought this tricky period was normal for married couples with young children and we'd muddle through it, in my head I've thought it's what all parents go through and we'll come out the other side of it. We rarely ever argue but I think that's largely because we just don't communicate enough and it turns into indifference.

So to the letter... she started by saying how much she loves me and that I'm a great dad and how we've experienced so much joy together for so long. She wrote about all the positive aspects of our relationship but I knew there was a 'but' coming. I was on page two of six... I knew there was a big but coming.

She said she has deep heaviness in her heart about there being an unspoken distance and disconnection between us. That she's feeling resistance in our relationship and can feel change happening within her. In her words, she wants a conscious relationship that brings deep intimacy to her mind, body and spirit. A divine union with greater levels of connection and to take love and joy to another level. She says it feels like we are two souls on a different paths with different interests that bring us joy.

Now this doesn't surprise me. It's been her line of work for the last 5-6 years... she's a female empowerment coach, yoga teacher, all-round spiritual guru, helping women connect with true authenticity etc. She immerses herself in podcasts, Instagram reels, books and all kinds of content on these themes and all centred around personal growth and stepping into 'who you're meant to be'. She wakes up early to meditate while I'm doing breakfast with the kids. She walks around with earpods in listening to the latest podcast on empowerment, self-love, etc. I've lost track of the amount of times I've tried to talk to her and then realise she can't hear me.

She has changed so much in recent years... she talks about being confined by society's expectations and constitutions on marriage, education, religion etc. She grew up in the church where she was told what a good woman is, what a good woman does, don't be too sexual, don't be provocative, don't be this, don't be that, etc. And I think a lot stems from there... she tells me she's craving freedom as she's never had it.

I don't resent this work... I've supported her in this. I've seen how this work lights her up and I'm proud of her because I feel like this is her true calling, working with women. But I've always felt like she was doing this work for the betterment of not just herself but for us as a family... that as she grows, we grow together not just financially but emotionally too. Whereas now it feels like she's just zooming away from me in a different direction and leaving me behind. For the record, I don't meditate, I don't do yoga, I'm not checking in daily on my 'growth plan' or having ice cold showers to energise myself. I'm just a decent normal hard-working guy who loves his wife and kids and provides for his family. I'm very hands-on with the kids - I do a lot. I've always seen domestic responsibilities as a partnership thing and not something that guys should 'help out' with or 'chip in' with. I fully play my part here.

Anyway, as the letter went on, she spoke about how she's terrified about the way she's feeling because she loves me but that we're here to live life to the fullest as we only get once chance at life. That we both deserve to feel deep love and connection and she doesn't know if our marriage can provide that... equally she admits we could expand and grow together in ways we haven't already.

Then came the bolt from the blue and I still don't know how to feel about it. Quick bit of pre-context... I trust her implicitly. Like, 100%. She's an incredibly spiritual and wholesome person with a heart of gold. Infidelity has never ever crossed my mind. And then I got to the next paragraph where she said she's been suppressing something for months and she's tried to push it down but it won't go away. That she's been having real desires to explore with women sexually. That fantasies are filling her head and she doesn't know if it's something she needs to explore and get out of her system or if it's more than that.

When we spoke after I read the letter, I told her I was feeling shellshocked. That my life has been turned upside down as I didn't see this coming. I asked her if there was a particular woman that had made her feel this way and she admitted there's a woman she met at an event and they hugged and there was an 'insane energy' between them and they'd been messaging for months since the event. My wife had told her she was feeling confused and had feelings for her. I can't tell you how this made me feel... it was like cheating but not cheating? I felt sick... emotional... confused... even stupid. I don't know how to play this from here. We love each other but we're not on the same page. It's clear she wants me to be something else and join her on her 'awakening journey' but I'm now growing to resent it for what it's doing to us as a family. She will go away on retreats for days and leave me with the kids, then when she gets back to a chaotic house it's like she wishes she didn't have to return home... whereas in my mind, this is real life, a chaotic home with young children is real life and to me, life isn't just about retreats and what you see on Instagram reels and fancy quotes on idealistic backgrounds. I'm willing to work on our relationship and meet her either halfway or someway but is that me being a subservient doormat? I don't want to lose her and break-up our family, it's not an option for me, I don't see myself with anyone else. But equally, I'm not sure I can be the person she wants me to be. I slept for 2 hours the night we had this discussion... I cannot remember the last time I cried but I couldn't help myself, pure uncontrollable sobbing that I have never experienced before. We spoke about counselling and we're going to give it a try but in my head I'm wondering if she's already checked out...

If you're discussing this further with her I would also insist that she leaves the flowery spiritual terms at the door and to discuss it more plainly.

Not
I want a conscious relationship that brings deep intimacy to her mind, body and spirit. A divine union with greater levels of connection and to take love and joy to another level.

but straight forward English such as

I want to sleep with this woman

I would imagine it's hard to think straight when she's dressing it up the way she does.

In her words, if we didn't work out it would be healthier for the kids to see their (separated) parents living life to the full rather than growing up in a household where parents had chosen to 'settle'.

Oh, dear, @Lonbarmos, she's on the way out.

I'm very sorry. What she's doing is deeply unfair and dishonest, to herself as well as you. And selfish - it seems given that she doesn't feel a divine union with greater levels of connection and to take love and joy to another level with her children, either? She's choosing sexual adventure and self-involvement over partnership and family relationships.

For what it's worth, it sounds like she's replaced the intensive church of her youth with an intensive quasi-religion, possibly even more demanding of complete dedication. This must be so disappointing for you.

I don't think there's anything you can do, because this is very much an actively chosen path for her. You can't make a marriage happy all by yourself, and she's telling you clearly that she no longer sees herself as part of it - and hasn't done for some time.

What you need now, I'm afraid, is a good lawyer. And a change of scene for yourself, to help you reset a little. Could you maybe take the kids away for a couple of weeks, preferably somewhere lovely that has childcare? Otherwise, bugger off with your own mates for a hearty dose of whatever makes you feel good.

Do you think it sounds like the one Husband and our best friend on holiday?
Not the content but the writing style?

This idea about the kids being happier if you’re both separated living your lives to the fullest etc is not going to be appreciated or even felt by your young children, who generally do not thrive when their parents split up unless they are in an unsafe/ violent/ traumatic situation in the first place.

It sounds as though your wife is spiritualising her 7 year itch/ boredom and justifying her straying by dressing it up as a spiritual thing.

This will be to do with her need to feel as though she is still s good person even though what she is doing is going to amount to endless ongoing pain for all of you.

She won’t be the first woman to be driven insane by the prison of domesticity, nor will she be the last. What strikes me is her lack of honesty around the situation. She won’t own her very basic feelings.

Sure, she’ll have an electric time with some kind of so called soul-mate, but before she knows it she’ll be wrestling with her shadow self in another steady relationship and once she’s sobered up from the intoxication of a new sexual partner, she will be haunted by the pain that she caused you and your children.

No amount of podcasts/ influencers or TikTok gurus will be able to assuage her guilt and it will be a sad story for all involved.

This situation highlights exactly why I wouldn’t ‘spiritually interfere’ with my children by indoctrinating them into a strict religion because they will wrongly learn they need to outsource their morals/actions to an external system, rather than knowing what feels right/wrong within themselves. This makes people vulnerable to losing themselves and cult-hopping. It’s very dangerous.

if you think you can’t talk her away from the edge by telling her she’s being the opposite of enlightened and giving her some hard truths, then I think the person who will come out of this ultimately happier might be you! She’ll be releasing you from having to be with a non-present, pious, self-styled guru (massive red glad!) who is relating to you as though you have nothing to offer/ as though you hold the keys to the domestic prison she’s willing locked herself into. You’d be free (I assume 50% of the time) to meet someone who loves and respects you, works with you not against you and who talks in the same language as you. All of the pseudo-spiritual bullshit will vanish from your life and you could end up thriving in the end.

IMO she needs to get over herself and realise she has 3 dc and that will always put a strain on any relationship but you need to put time into a relationship. I’m bisexual with 3dc and a husband. My sexuality is not important. The day I married dh was the day I committed to him until death do us part. Your wife sounds selfish and self absorbed disregarding your feelings and her children’s feelings.

Honestly she sounds like a self-absorbed twat. Let her go off to plumb the depths of her spiritual self.

Decent single dads are thin on the ground so I expect you will be spoiled for choice when it comes to finding someone less epically self-centered. My money is on her regretting the decision within five years.

she admitted there's a woman she met at an event and they hugged and there was an 'insane energy' between them and they'd been messaging for months since the event. My wife had told her she was feeling confused and had feelings for her.

Also OP I would be asking to see those messages. There's a high chance that you might see that there is no confusion at all, and that she's not as wholesome as you think.

Expect her to refuse and talk herself in circles so say something like

"I need to know the facts of this situation, as it stands only you know what is in those messages, for months now you have had this secret and I was unaware and I deserve to be allowed to know the facts of the situation before thinking about the future.

If she says no then that will tell you a lot....she was well able to write a 6 page letter where she no doubt spent ages carefully selecting the words which would get her what she wants and relieve her of guilt!. You should be able to read the words that she read that she didn't think you would read!

I wouldn’t be surprised if this women who she has experienced “insane energy” with isn’t away at these weekend retreats with her.
she sounds like a complete self obsessed narcissist.
I have no valuable advice other than prepare for the wind down of your marriage as she’s made it clear she’s checked out.

I disagree with everybody else that this is about the woman. I've seen this when it's a heterosexual "energy" experience. It really makes no difference.

I've been on the edges of the world she's apparently in. I'd want to know exactly what these retreats are and be reading about them myself. If she's off doing a silent retreat that's one thing. But if she's doing activities on these retreats that involve more "bonding" types of things, then what's been already going on with this energetic love interest might be more than just sms exchange and a single hug. I don't mean genital sex, but they could be closer than she's letting on, under the guise of an activity at a retreat.

Also, you say you believe she's a good person at heart. That's good. However, I wouldn't expect you to say that the wife you love and want to remain married to isn't a nice person at heart. Right? So this highlights that nice people can actually treat people horribly (as she is you). They themselves can also 100% believe they're being fair and kind, but it doesn't mean they are.

Writing a 6-page letter is about her justifying herself to her. Yes she wants you to know, but it's actually an energetically selfish thing to do. Even if her intentions were good. For all the talk of energetic exchanges, there's precisely none in giving someone a long letter to read. That letter is not about interacting with you, it's not about your feelings. It's about a flow of info and energy from her to you. Not the other way. As an example, she could have written you a note to say she wants to speak to you, it's going to be hard for her and she has a few things she wants to speak to you about and discuss and for you to let her know when is a time good for you. Then if she thinks she might forget some of her very many points, she has notes to help her. Wouldn't that have been a less one way stream of doing it? She has controlled the narrative entirely in the way she's done it, which likely reflects where her mind is at.

So yes marriage counselling may be helpful, but be aware that shes not talking about the possibility of developing a closer relationship with you, she's basically saying you have to meet me where I am or it's over.

Sorry posted before I'd finished but it's long anyway!

Don't drag the therapy out longer than necessary as it will just upset you. If she's not recognising that she's not budging and justifying it with "spiritual growth" then you're wasting your time (and money).

It can also be rather condescending. I can't think of a better way to describe it. Basically the new convert has seen the light and views everything through it. So you both see situation X, and while you see it as X, the convert sees it as SuperX because they can see everything better than you, because they've done The Work. And not only can they see it as SuperX, they experience it as SuperX because they're more evolved than you. They can't properly discuss it with you as you don't know what that experience is.

If you want to live in that world - and it can truly be a very lovely world - then you need to get involved with it. But otherwise be very aware of the mountains of nonsense around it that elevate her and thereby make you as somehow inferior, or not quite as good. Remember there's nowt wrong with calling a spade a spade and that someone calling it an "earth tickler" doesn't change the fact it's a spade.

This other woman btw will be "on the same level" spiritually as your wife...

The more I think about your situation the more I think that you're in front of o doors and both lead to pain for you. One will drag it out longer than the other though. Good luck.

I know someone who went down the enlightened path like your DW and got swept off her feet by a woman at what sounded like a cultish yoga event - she ended her marriage and was encouraged by this woman to make all sorts of outlandish claims against her DH in family court, then tried to fleece her divorce settlement while slagging her off to the wellness community behind her back.

Your wife sounds too far gone down the same road, I’m afraid. I’d start getting your ducks in a row.

I haven't read the full thread but in short, your wife sounds like a selfish, pretentious idiot who is using this 'spiritual awakening' nonsense to shirk her responsibilities as a mother and wife.

If she wants to spend her days meditating and going on retreats then she shouldn't have had children. The two things don't exactly go hand in hand. Nothing wrong with having interests and hobbies outside of the family but she is clearly resentful of the routine and daily grind that is a massive part of life with young kids. She's dressing it up as being spiritual and rallying against society's expectations because it sounds better than saying I can't be arsed with the kids, you deal with them.

The same applies to the emotional affair.

Op don't be a doormat here. You sound like a lovely guy. It will be hard but go along with her little pipe dream. Tell her to go explore with this other woman but you won't be here waiting when she gets back from her awakening. I wonder how zen her life will be when she's doing solo parenting 50% of the time. She's got a good deal and she knows it. She's pushing her luck to see how much more she can get out of you. Put some boundaries in place.

Sounds very similar to my situation where my OH needs to find her own way.
All very convenient after I've been running around doing most of the domestic work of getting kids to and from school and their clubs she can focus on a new career path.
It turns out that she has a connection with a work colleague and doesn't feel the same now about us.

OP she basically checked out and needs a reality check. Start by handing over a few mornings to her to look after the kids while you 'enlighten' yourself with something.
She needs to be less self absorbed in her own world and realise that she also has roles as a mother and wife too.
My experience of yogie types is that they will continually search for fulfilmentbut, never to accomplish it as it's a perception of a never ending incomplete journey.
I think you'd be better preparing for her leaving, her self centered selfish world does not involve any of you fully.
Maybe some counselling would help unravel the thoughts and feelings somewhat but I think she's already made her decision and is only asking for your blessing to make her feel better about abandoning her current commitments.

This is a shock for you but not for her. Let the shock settle a little, don't make any decisions yet, But I would ask her what she wants from you as to me it all sounds a bit "airy fairy". I also would not be happy that someone was walking around with headphones in and zoning out of family life. Sit tight and thing about what you want actually want.

Well, she's drinking the KOOL AID

Been reading these posts since 5am unable to sleep, thanks everyone, I'm not rushing into anything just yet. Just focusing on work and the kids while I get my head around it all.

Totally resonate with what @Sothisiit said about it being a neverending search for fulfilment, that's been on my mind for a while, that living a life of self-empowerment actually sounds exhausting as these gurus, coaches and podcasters are always telling you to strive for more. And if you don't do this, you're essentially 'settling'.

I love her to bits but I do sometimes feel she's been exposed to propaganda.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4745216-another-my-wife-has-fallen-out-of-live-with-me-thread

@Lonbarmos you're not the first this thread might help you.

Take back control.

If she wants 'insane energy' over everything else then she can pop off.

Make the decision for her.

Omg love this post so much!!

This. She sounds delusional.

She is having an affair and wants to leave you, but all her spiritual awakening hasn’t made her ready to be honest with herself or you.

instead it’s made her a selfish and self absorbed insta-wank zombie.

Simple solution, you need to prep for divorce.

Start by dividing all time 50:50 so you do child carte one day she does it the other. Move as if you will be separating tomorrow. Tell her she need to up her days working and you need to potentially look at moving to part time work to cover more with the 2 year old.

She is trying to jump you in to a situation that will make you unhappy. You need to set in place the norm of what divorced 50:50 custody will look like. It may wake her up and take responsibility, or it may just make transition to divorce cleaner. What ever it does it gets you moving.

Pretty much sums it up. Faux spirituality masking selfishness and cruelty.

She sounds full of shit to me. She has said a lot of fancy words in place of the more succinct and honest " I want to sleep with this woman'. I never trust any so-called spiritual type that finds their enlightenment through causing other people pain. She is dishonest and self-centered, and if I were you I would be looking to protect myself and my children as much as possible. But then I am a cynical old bat.

Excellent response.