Long time poster / reader but have set up a new account to post this.
I was hit with a bombshell over the weekend. I was putting our 2-year-old to bed when my wife walked in and put a few pieces of paper on the cabinet next to me saying 'please read this when you're done and then we can talk downstairs'. For context, we've been together 18 years having met at Uni. Married 11 years, three young children aged 2, 6, 9. I'm 38, she's 36.
Added context before I get to the letter... we haven't been 'happy' for 12-18 months and we've had a couple of big heart to heart chats in that time. We have lots of nice moments but most of the time we're just passing ships, running around after the kids, ferrying them from hobby to hobby. Sex has slowed down to once a month not helped by our 2yo co-sleeping in between us. Cost of living has also been a factor adding financial pressure, for reference I bring in 75% of the household income. I maybe naively just thought this tricky period was normal for married couples with young children and we'd muddle through it, in my head I've thought it's what all parents go through and we'll come out the other side of it. We rarely ever argue but I think that's largely because we just don't communicate enough and it turns into indifference.
So to the letter... she started by saying how much she loves me and that I'm a great dad and how we've experienced so much joy together for so long. She wrote about all the positive aspects of our relationship but I knew there was a 'but' coming. I was on page two of six... I knew there was a big but coming.
She said she has deep heaviness in her heart about there being an unspoken distance and disconnection between us. That she's feeling resistance in our relationship and can feel change happening within her. In her words, she wants a conscious relationship that brings deep intimacy to her mind, body and spirit. A divine union with greater levels of connection and to take love and joy to another level. She says it feels like we are two souls on a different paths with different interests that bring us joy.
Now this doesn't surprise me. It's been her line of work for the last 5-6 years... she's a female empowerment coach, yoga teacher, all-round spiritual guru, helping women connect with true authenticity etc. She immerses herself in podcasts, Instagram reels, books and all kinds of content on these themes and all centred around personal growth and stepping into 'who you're meant to be'. She wakes up early to meditate while I'm doing breakfast with the kids. She walks around with earpods in listening to the latest podcast on empowerment, self-love, etc. I've lost track of the amount of times I've tried to talk to her and then realise she can't hear me.
She has changed so much in recent years... she talks about being confined by society's expectations and constitutions on marriage, education, religion etc. She grew up in the church where she was told what a good woman is, what a good woman does, don't be too sexual, don't be provocative, don't be this, don't be that, etc. And I think a lot stems from there... she tells me she's craving freedom as she's never had it.
I don't resent this work... I've supported her in this. I've seen how this work lights her up and I'm proud of her because I feel like this is her true calling, working with women. But I've always felt like she was doing this work for the betterment of not just herself but for us as a family... that as she grows, we grow together not just financially but emotionally too. Whereas now it feels like she's just zooming away from me in a different direction and leaving me behind. For the record, I don't meditate, I don't do yoga, I'm not checking in daily on my 'growth plan' or having ice cold showers to energise myself. I'm just a decent normal hard-working guy who loves his wife and kids and provides for his family. I'm very hands-on with the kids - I do a lot. I've always seen domestic responsibilities as a partnership thing and not something that guys should 'help out' with or 'chip in' with. I fully play my part here.
Anyway, as the letter went on, she spoke about how she's terrified about the way she's feeling because she loves me but that we're here to live life to the fullest as we only get once chance at life. That we both deserve to feel deep love and connection and she doesn't know if our marriage can provide that... equally she admits we could expand and grow together in ways we haven't already.
Then came the bolt from the blue and I still don't know how to feel about it. Quick bit of pre-context... I trust her implicitly. Like, 100%. She's an incredibly spiritual and wholesome person with a heart of gold. Infidelity has never ever crossed my mind. And then I got to the next paragraph where she said she's been suppressing something for months and she's tried to push it down but it won't go away. That she's been having real desires to explore with women sexually. That fantasies are filling her head and she doesn't know if it's something she needs to explore and get out of her system or if it's more than that.
When we spoke after I read the letter, I told her I was feeling shellshocked. That my life has been turned upside down as I didn't see this coming. I asked her if there was a particular woman that had made her feel this way and she admitted there's a woman she met at an event and they hugged and there was an 'insane energy' between them and they'd been messaging for months since the event. My wife had told her she was feeling confused and had feelings for her. I can't tell you how this made me feel... it was like cheating but not cheating? I felt sick... emotional... confused... even stupid. I don't know how to play this from here. We love each other but we're not on the same page. It's clear she wants me to be something else and join her on her 'awakening journey' but I'm now growing to resent it for what it's doing to us as a family. She will go away on retreats for days and leave me with the kids, then when she gets back to a chaotic house it's like she wishes she didn't have to return home... whereas in my mind, this is real life, a chaotic home with young children is real life and to me, life isn't just about retreats and what you see on Instagram reels and fancy quotes on idealistic backgrounds. I'm willing to work on our relationship and meet her either halfway or someway but is that me being a subservient doormat? I don't want to lose her and break-up our family, it's not an option for me, I don't see myself with anyone else. But equally, I'm not sure I can be the person she wants me to be. I slept for 2 hours the night we had this discussion... I cannot remember the last time I cried but I couldn't help myself, pure uncontrollable sobbing that I have never experienced before. We spoke about counselling and we're going to give it a try but in my head I'm wondering if she's already checked out...