Wife feeling disconnected and growing apart, with a plot twist

[Lonbarmos]

Long time poster / reader but have set up a new account to post this.

I was hit with a bombshell over the weekend. I was putting our 2-year-old to bed when my wife walked in and put a few pieces of paper on the cabinet next to me saying 'please read this when you're done and then we can talk downstairs'. For context, we've been together 18 years having met at Uni. Married 11 years, three young children aged 2, 6, 9. I'm 38, she's 36.

Added context before I get to the letter... we haven't been 'happy' for 12-18 months and we've had a couple of big heart to heart chats in that time. We have lots of nice moments but most of the time we're just passing ships, running around after the kids, ferrying them from hobby to hobby. Sex has slowed down to once a month not helped by our 2yo co-sleeping in between us. Cost of living has also been a factor adding financial pressure, for reference I bring in 75% of the household income. I maybe naively just thought this tricky period was normal for married couples with young children and we'd muddle through it, in my head I've thought it's what all parents go through and we'll come out the other side of it. We rarely ever argue but I think that's largely because we just don't communicate enough and it turns into indifference.

So to the letter... she started by saying how much she loves me and that I'm a great dad and how we've experienced so much joy together for so long. She wrote about all the positive aspects of our relationship but I knew there was a 'but' coming. I was on page two of six... I knew there was a big but coming.

She said she has deep heaviness in her heart about there being an unspoken distance and disconnection between us. That she's feeling resistance in our relationship and can feel change happening within her. In her words, she wants a conscious relationship that brings deep intimacy to her mind, body and spirit. A divine union with greater levels of connection and to take love and joy to another level. She says it feels like we are two souls on a different paths with different interests that bring us joy.

Now this doesn't surprise me. It's been her line of work for the last 5-6 years... she's a female empowerment coach, yoga teacher, all-round spiritual guru, helping women connect with true authenticity etc. She immerses herself in podcasts, Instagram reels, books and all kinds of content on these themes and all centred around personal growth and stepping into 'who you're meant to be'. She wakes up early to meditate while I'm doing breakfast with the kids. She walks around with earpods in listening to the latest podcast on empowerment, self-love, etc. I've lost track of the amount of times I've tried to talk to her and then realise she can't hear me.

She has changed so much in recent years... she talks about being confined by society's expectations and constitutions on marriage, education, religion etc. She grew up in the church where she was told what a good woman is, what a good woman does, don't be too sexual, don't be provocative, don't be this, don't be that, etc. And I think a lot stems from there... she tells me she's craving freedom as she's never had it.

I don't resent this work... I've supported her in this. I've seen how this work lights her up and I'm proud of her because I feel like this is her true calling, working with women. But I've always felt like she was doing this work for the betterment of not just herself but for us as a family... that as she grows, we grow together not just financially but emotionally too. Whereas now it feels like she's just zooming away from me in a different direction and leaving me behind. For the record, I don't meditate, I don't do yoga, I'm not checking in daily on my 'growth plan' or having ice cold showers to energise myself. I'm just a decent normal hard-working guy who loves his wife and kids and provides for his family. I'm very hands-on with the kids - I do a lot. I've always seen domestic responsibilities as a partnership thing and not something that guys should 'help out' with or 'chip in' with. I fully play my part here.

Anyway, as the letter went on, she spoke about how she's terrified about the way she's feeling because she loves me but that we're here to live life to the fullest as we only get once chance at life. That we both deserve to feel deep love and connection and she doesn't know if our marriage can provide that... equally she admits we could expand and grow together in ways we haven't already.

Then came the bolt from the blue and I still don't know how to feel about it. Quick bit of pre-context... I trust her implicitly. Like, 100%. She's an incredibly spiritual and wholesome person with a heart of gold. Infidelity has never ever crossed my mind. And then I got to the next paragraph where she said she's been suppressing something for months and she's tried to push it down but it won't go away. That she's been having real desires to explore with women sexually. That fantasies are filling her head and she doesn't know if it's something she needs to explore and get out of her system or if it's more than that.

When we spoke after I read the letter, I told her I was feeling shellshocked. That my life has been turned upside down as I didn't see this coming. I asked her if there was a particular woman that had made her feel this way and she admitted there's a woman she met at an event and they hugged and there was an 'insane energy' between them and they'd been messaging for months since the event. My wife had told her she was feeling confused and had feelings for her. I can't tell you how this made me feel... it was like cheating but not cheating? I felt sick... emotional... confused... even stupid. I don't know how to play this from here. We love each other but we're not on the same page. It's clear she wants me to be something else and join her on her 'awakening journey' but I'm now growing to resent it for what it's doing to us as a family. She will go away on retreats for days and leave me with the kids, then when she gets back to a chaotic house it's like she wishes she didn't have to return home... whereas in my mind, this is real life, a chaotic home with young children is real life and to me, life isn't just about retreats and what you see on Instagram reels and fancy quotes on idealistic backgrounds. I'm willing to work on our relationship and meet her either halfway or someway but is that me being a subservient doormat? I don't want to lose her and break-up our family, it's not an option for me, I don't see myself with anyone else. But equally, I'm not sure I can be the person she wants me to be. I slept for 2 hours the night we had this discussion... I cannot remember the last time I cried but I couldn't help myself, pure uncontrollable sobbing that I have never experienced before. We spoke about counselling and we're going to give it a try but in my head I'm wondering if she's already checked out...

My thoughts exactly

The brilliant thing, OP, is that she will run off "into the light" and you will eventually find out how good life can be when not tiptoeing round a nutcase.

Oh no - your entitled wife has found this thread!!!!

Ha ha, sounds like it.

There are a number of issues here.
Relationship. Sexuality. Spirituality.
There is so much bashing of your wife's spiritual path here and of spiritual paths in general (quite shocking). You do seem to be quite dismissive of it yourself OP as you cariacature the type of husband who would be into it as a yoga addict, bongo-player etc.
Then, regarding sexuality. Your wife has discovered another side to hers, it has taken her by surprise, you can choose to support that or not.
Finally, the relationship. It honestly sounds difficult to continue with it given the above tbh but you might find a way if you can accept your wife's spirituality and sexuality.

She needs to pick up her yoga mat and fuck off.

You should find someone who understands logic, reason, fairness and the ability to live in the real world.

How I hate abusers who work under the guise of spirituality at the expense of others, it's just a tool to manipulate and harm, with a facade of enlightenment.

@Tatoumorse Of course we are only hearing one side of this, I agree, which is the way of all posts. However one views the spiritual path, I think most people - based on the OP's posts - are seeing that her spirituality is being pursued at a cost to the rest of the family. Yes, OP's wife has discovered another side to her sexuality but had she had an intense emotional affair with a man, travelling hundreds of miles to be with him at weekends leaving her family behind, I believe most people's views would be the same - it's an infidelity that if pursued will break up her family. She may be being spiritual but she is being neither kind nor wise.

People have responded for legitimate reasons.

Imagine this was a wife and the husband had been on a spiritual journey and discovered that his new spiritual awakening required him to have another wife and there was a women he was disappearing off at weekends to be with? But is all from a spiritual revelation…

I suspect the comments on here would look quite tame in comparison.

Not every person who has some “spiritual awakening” goes off and has an affair, excusing those who do is not fair to those who can managed to remain faithful to their spouses.

Monogamous marriage isn't for everyone though, and if we really discover the fullness of our sexuality (whether thanks to a man, or a woman) then we may well question its value. It seems like that's what this woman is doing and she is allowed to do that, even if culture (and Mumsnet!) will be broadly against her. I'm not belittling the husband's heartbreak, but it's not worth the woman staying in a cage of domesticity and monogamy that doesn't suit her any more just to keep him happy. Why should she do that? Personally I think that if society placed less value on monogamy and more on mutual care, kindness, respect, we'd all be better off. I fully realise that's a minority opinion on here but it is worth stating. I don't think it will be easy for the woman if she has to sacrifice her marriage because she's fallen for someone else/ wants to explore her sexuality outside a monogamous relationship--because she will undoubtedly feel some guilt at 'breaking' the marriage (though both will have broken it really) and society will judge her unfavourably too as it has on this thread in the main. Therefore, I wouldn't say to the woman, "throw caution to the wind and go for it at the expense of everything". However, neither would I advise her to forget about her newfound sexuality and her desire to be with the woman she's met. I think she has done the best thing by being open with her husband given the circumstances and it just seems like there's a big clash in their values now unfortunately: she doesn't want monogamy any more, he apparently does (sorry to talk about you in the third person OP). And it is possible she is no longer in love with him enough to continue a major relationship with him, that we don't know. Imho it's society that needs to change as this happens often, with men, with women, with straights, with gays, it's time to think from the heart not from culture and be creative. Ask the kids what they think too, if they're old enough to understand.

People don’t place that much value on monogamy, they place value on honesty and integrity. If you commit to someone you should try hard to honour that commitment. If you find you can’t you need to be honest and break that commitment and not try and manipulate people in to situations that they are going to be uncomfortable with.

If she wants to go off with the women she has been having the affair with then fine but she should have just said that, moved out and let the guy go free. She isn’t interested in pulling her weight with the kids, so she needs to stop being a dead weight for the person who is.

So what "Dear kids, Mum wants to shag a lady and not spend any time with you, but it's SPIRITUAL ok? Any questions or concerns?" This reads like you are the OP's wife and have discovered the post!

Monogamous marriage isn't for everyone. But it should be for people who have committed to a monogamous marriage.

This

So she is happy for you to explore your needs too?

She has checked out- leaving the family to go on retreats alone, wearing earbuds instead of being present, etc. She's using self-help to avoid her real life, her real self. She has issues she needs to address and she probably won't see it that way. You could try couples counseling, she might open her eyes but she also might just hear what she wants to hear. That's often why people go into echo chambers to begin with. I'm sorry this has happened, I'd love to have her life and she's throwing it away.

Bookworm333 No, of course not. Explain instead in age appropriate language that she doesn't just love Daddy but she loves another adult too. And that that is difficult because she made a promise only to be with Daddy but now she wants to be with the other adult too, because she loves them too. She can explain how she has changed and how she now realises she cannot keep the promise she made, ie her spirituality has given her a better understanding of what is important to her. I agree that she needs to check in with the children as to how they feel... Is she being a good enough mum to them, do they understand she loves them through all this etc. I also realise that maybe she doesn't love two adults but really, only one, the new woman, in which case her convo with the children will be different. But it does sound from the OP that she may still want the narriage to work, if he can accept it being an open marriage or even just accept her broadened view of her sexuality. And I realise he may not be able to accept that, either practically or in his heart (and, if he doesnt accept it, most people and religions will be on his side but I am gonna continue sticking up for the woman here as I don't believe what she feels, says or does here is wrong)

@Tatoumorse
“Explain instead in age appropriate language that she doesn't just love Daddy but she loves another adult too. And that that is difficult because she made a promise only to be with Daddy but now she wants to be with the other adult too, because she loves them too.”

What?
“I want to shag around but if your dad throws me out for an affair and neglecting you kids, it is his fault the marriage failed.”

Yeh… emotional manipulation of children is abusive. Don’t do it. If you want to go and screw around in a marriage, leave and own your choices. If you want to neglect your children don’t blame your spouse.

What is so strange about this is that you don’t only excuse cheating and neglecting children, you seem to suggest it is normal for those who realise their sexuality was not what they have lived as all their lives.

You are really sounding like the wife has found the thread now.

It isnt a blame game though. As I said, I dont think what the wife wants is wrong, her perspective on life has changed, but what OP wants, and what the wife originally signed up to isnt wrong, either. Clearly there is 50 50 when a marital relationship breaks down. From what I read in the OP, there is some hope the relationship can be salvaged but it cant be totally on his terms, continued monogamy, or on hers, so there needs to be negotiation, and I think the children's feelings should be heard within that.

No, I am not the wife. I have always known that monogamy isnt for me and I dont like it so I wouldnt have got married in the first place.

Actually, his terms are the terms they both agreed to, mutually, in front of witnesses, at the beginning of the marriage, committing to each other and forsaking all others. If she wishes to change the terms, break that vow, and thus bring about the end of the marriage, I don't see how he can be held responsible, if he is not prepared to do the same.

I may be projecting my own personal feelings here on this, but frankly, this commitment is a fundamental bedrock of a marriage. I don't think the husband in this case is being unreasonable to say that monogamy within their marriage is a hard boundary for him.

I dont think he is unreasonable either katmarie but neither is she. She is struggling to keep a commitment she once made, that is only human. So many people do, that is why there is so much divorce and many people, like me, don't choose marriage in the first place. To keep the marriage either OP decides he has had enough, or she does, or they find a third option.

@Tatoumorse

“Clearly there is 50 50 when a marital relationship breaks down.”

Hu? I think it is fair to say it is not 100% 0% in almost all marital break down but to assume there is completely equal responsibility is nonsense. She has started an emotional affair before addressing this with the husband, she is completely disengaged. I’m sure there is some areas where he is not perfect but this certainly not half his fault.

If people discover their sexuality is actually different form how they have lived, the appropriate response is to discuss this with your spouse, not to go and start an affair. This relationship is obviously done, that may have been inevitable, but it is certainly mostly the fault of the wife.

It is odd you would behave as if this is just how people who discover (or accept what they always know to an extent) their sexuality is different behave. It is not. I have known people who have realised and then worked out what happens to the relationship, I have also known others who simply acted and blew up everyone’s lives in the process. It is not automatic that a women who discovers an attraction to other women would act this way.