Wife feeling disconnected and growing apart, with a plot twist

[Lonbarmos]

Long time poster / reader but have set up a new account to post this.

I was hit with a bombshell over the weekend. I was putting our 2-year-old to bed when my wife walked in and put a few pieces of paper on the cabinet next to me saying 'please read this when you're done and then we can talk downstairs'. For context, we've been together 18 years having met at Uni. Married 11 years, three young children aged 2, 6, 9. I'm 38, she's 36.

Added context before I get to the letter... we haven't been 'happy' for 12-18 months and we've had a couple of big heart to heart chats in that time. We have lots of nice moments but most of the time we're just passing ships, running around after the kids, ferrying them from hobby to hobby. Sex has slowed down to once a month not helped by our 2yo co-sleeping in between us. Cost of living has also been a factor adding financial pressure, for reference I bring in 75% of the household income. I maybe naively just thought this tricky period was normal for married couples with young children and we'd muddle through it, in my head I've thought it's what all parents go through and we'll come out the other side of it. We rarely ever argue but I think that's largely because we just don't communicate enough and it turns into indifference.

So to the letter... she started by saying how much she loves me and that I'm a great dad and how we've experienced so much joy together for so long. She wrote about all the positive aspects of our relationship but I knew there was a 'but' coming. I was on page two of six... I knew there was a big but coming.

She said she has deep heaviness in her heart about there being an unspoken distance and disconnection between us. That she's feeling resistance in our relationship and can feel change happening within her. In her words, she wants a conscious relationship that brings deep intimacy to her mind, body and spirit. A divine union with greater levels of connection and to take love and joy to another level. She says it feels like we are two souls on a different paths with different interests that bring us joy.

Now this doesn't surprise me. It's been her line of work for the last 5-6 years... she's a female empowerment coach, yoga teacher, all-round spiritual guru, helping women connect with true authenticity etc. She immerses herself in podcasts, Instagram reels, books and all kinds of content on these themes and all centred around personal growth and stepping into 'who you're meant to be'. She wakes up early to meditate while I'm doing breakfast with the kids. She walks around with earpods in listening to the latest podcast on empowerment, self-love, etc. I've lost track of the amount of times I've tried to talk to her and then realise she can't hear me.

She has changed so much in recent years... she talks about being confined by society's expectations and constitutions on marriage, education, religion etc. She grew up in the church where she was told what a good woman is, what a good woman does, don't be too sexual, don't be provocative, don't be this, don't be that, etc. And I think a lot stems from there... she tells me she's craving freedom as she's never had it.

I don't resent this work... I've supported her in this. I've seen how this work lights her up and I'm proud of her because I feel like this is her true calling, working with women. But I've always felt like she was doing this work for the betterment of not just herself but for us as a family... that as she grows, we grow together not just financially but emotionally too. Whereas now it feels like she's just zooming away from me in a different direction and leaving me behind. For the record, I don't meditate, I don't do yoga, I'm not checking in daily on my 'growth plan' or having ice cold showers to energise myself. I'm just a decent normal hard-working guy who loves his wife and kids and provides for his family. I'm very hands-on with the kids - I do a lot. I've always seen domestic responsibilities as a partnership thing and not something that guys should 'help out' with or 'chip in' with. I fully play my part here.

Anyway, as the letter went on, she spoke about how she's terrified about the way she's feeling because she loves me but that we're here to live life to the fullest as we only get once chance at life. That we both deserve to feel deep love and connection and she doesn't know if our marriage can provide that... equally she admits we could expand and grow together in ways we haven't already.

Then came the bolt from the blue and I still don't know how to feel about it. Quick bit of pre-context... I trust her implicitly. Like, 100%. She's an incredibly spiritual and wholesome person with a heart of gold. Infidelity has never ever crossed my mind. And then I got to the next paragraph where she said she's been suppressing something for months and she's tried to push it down but it won't go away. That she's been having real desires to explore with women sexually. That fantasies are filling her head and she doesn't know if it's something she needs to explore and get out of her system or if it's more than that.

When we spoke after I read the letter, I told her I was feeling shellshocked. That my life has been turned upside down as I didn't see this coming. I asked her if there was a particular woman that had made her feel this way and she admitted there's a woman she met at an event and they hugged and there was an 'insane energy' between them and they'd been messaging for months since the event. My wife had told her she was feeling confused and had feelings for her. I can't tell you how this made me feel... it was like cheating but not cheating? I felt sick... emotional... confused... even stupid. I don't know how to play this from here. We love each other but we're not on the same page. It's clear she wants me to be something else and join her on her 'awakening journey' but I'm now growing to resent it for what it's doing to us as a family. She will go away on retreats for days and leave me with the kids, then when she gets back to a chaotic house it's like she wishes she didn't have to return home... whereas in my mind, this is real life, a chaotic home with young children is real life and to me, life isn't just about retreats and what you see on Instagram reels and fancy quotes on idealistic backgrounds. I'm willing to work on our relationship and meet her either halfway or someway but is that me being a subservient doormat? I don't want to lose her and break-up our family, it's not an option for me, I don't see myself with anyone else. But equally, I'm not sure I can be the person she wants me to be. I slept for 2 hours the night we had this discussion... I cannot remember the last time I cried but I couldn't help myself, pure uncontrollable sobbing that I have never experienced before. We spoke about counselling and we're going to give it a try but in my head I'm wondering if she's already checked out...

@MsMcGonagall he does use his words; she doesn't hear 'em because of her earphones! If you're going down this route, maybe he should express himself through Instagram reels?

Hi Millie Tant

Jesus OP.

That letter she wrote was by far one the most manipulative things I have read on here.

No no no. Just no. Everything in that letter is shite apart from the part where she tells you she wants to get it on with a woman. Do not fall for the mounds of dressing she has added on top.

Shes cheating on you. End of story. Please love yourself more than this. Facts are facts no matter how much meditation and yoga and self empowerment she adds on this; she is having at the very least an emotional affair and has been texting someone behind your back. Behind her husbands back. All this time.

Every cheat only ever tells you the tip of the iceberg. I'd bet money its gone a lot further than she has said.

She's taking the piss and she's taking you for a ride.

She's cheating on you emotionally and she's also exploiting you and not pulling her weight with the children and around the house. Wake up and get a lawyer fast, she can take her spiritual journey on her own money thanks very much. Although I'd bet good money that doesn't appeal to her nearly as much as doing what she wants funded by your hard work and money!

Doesn’t help anyone to be tit for tat

@hungrycrocodile23

If she wants to spend her days meditating and going on retreats then she shouldn't have had children. The two things don't exactly go hand in hand. Nothing wrong with having interests and hobbies outside of the family but she is clearly resentful of the routine and daily grind that is a massive part of life with young kids.

They definitely can go hand in hand. I know women who are very much into this lifestyle but they intertwine it with family life. They have the ceremonial cacao in the morning which their kids have breakfast, and discuss intentions for the day, affirmations, gratitude lists etc.
They return from retreats and do lovely things with their kids.
This woman sounds like she's just choosing to tune out of family life.

I wouldn't go down that way of thinking that it's propaganda.

This kind of journey can be wonderful, but it's one where you can snap out of it and revert to normal very quickly. That's part of it, it's one of the challenges of it.

Call her fucking out. This isn't self-epowerment. It's selfishness.

What's the difference between her and a non spiritual man who gets bored of the wife and kids at home and starts to chase the connection with a colleague or someone he met at a hobby? No difference at all except for he might spin a narrative to himself that he's unappreciated at home and deserves to be happy, whereas your wife writes 6 pages essays trying to make out it's spiritual growth.

This is so sad to read. I'm really sorry. I think you deserve much better. You are absolutely right to think all couples have it harder when kids are little.

"not expect your wife to stay trapped by the patriarchy"

That was a long way to just say, get a divorce.

Probably will require that in the end. She is too selfish to be in a relationship, so perhaps setting her free by divorcing her is the way to go.

@Newnamehiwhodis Alternatively, the woman in this case is self absorbed dickhead. Some women are you know, with or without the patriarchy.

How are you doing, op? I just came across your thread.

Could your wife be suffering from depression and seeking an escape? If not, she's just plain selfish and not a very nice person. Either way, it's unhealthy and unfair towards you and your children.

Crikey. So dw is wafting about like incense smoke, finding her true real self while you, @Lonbarmos are funding and supporting her.
I think the way to get her to focus on reality would be slap a couple of utility bills in her hand and tell her to summon up her authentic inner being to pay her way.

There is striving for personal goals, being true to yourself and then there is absolutely taking the pi*s. She is treating you all very badly.

Thanks for asking @ZickZack

We talked openly 5-6 days ago and I got everything off my chest... although I feel desperately hurt from the emotional affair I tried to put that to one side and started by saying I take 100% accountability for my 50% in the relationship and I've not been working at it enough. Neither of us have, but I wanted to own my part in this and not just retaliate with personal attacks. So I talked about how we need to communicate better, not let things fester, put each other first much more often, do a retreat together, engage in marriage therapy etc. I'm quite solution-based so I was coming at it from the angle of "ok, let's sort this and get a plan in place."

But I also spoke some home truths... I said I felt like her self-love journey was heading so far down the rabbit hole that self-love was becoming self-ish. And that there needs to be more earthly common ground. We had a long emotional talk... we felt better after it, the connection was better all week and we both saw a real way forward and both said we felt excited about taking our relationship to a new level.

However... this OW is still lurking in the background. My DW said yesterday she can't just switch feelings off and despite her best intentions of working at our relationship, she doesn't know how she will feel in the future and whether it's something she needs to explore. It opened up the wounds again... I felt so positive after our talk earlier last week... the pangs in my gut dissipated for a few days - but have returned again. I feel like a lame duck... like I can't win in this situation... Do I tell her she can't have contact with this woman (which absolutely goes again my values of openness, transparency, no censorship etc) which will cause resentment from her side and probably break our marriage up? Or do I let her travel 200 miles to this OW and let them have time together which will probably break our marriage up? Or maybe it won't... I don't know. Throughout all this she tells me how much she loves me and wants to work on things... but this OW feels like a landmine that we're going to step on at some point.

The OW is the issue and probably has been since she met her all the rest is window dressing

So ask her this, if you had emotional feelings for another woman would she be happy for you to travel 200 miles to see her??

Basically she is demanding your permission to have sex with another person and the talk you had last week actually meant and means nothing all at.

so be blunt and make it clear continued contact with this woman means the ens of your marriage

Your wife is trying to have her cake and eat it. You don't have to 'tell her' anything, this isn't about controlling her actions. What you can tell her is that non monogamy, emotional or physical, is a deal breaker for you. Up to her then, what she does next

OP she is having an affair in plain sight, whether it be emotional or more, you don't really know.
I know you are trying hard to be fair and you have been very patient and understanding, but she is taking advantage of you and there comes a time when you have to be clear with her. lf she truly loves you as she says then tell her the reationship with the OW has to end or the marriage is over. Otherwise you will tie yourself in knots trying to let her have her cake and eat it!

Go back to basics. If you don’t want her to continue this affair then tell her she must stop it. You need to decide whether or not it’s a firm boundary. Nothing wrong with that at all.

If it’s a boundary then explain to her you WILL split up if it carries on. Explain what that means, arranging finances, child arrangements etc as she doesn’t seem to have thought it through.

You need to put a line in the sand because I’m betting she’ll happily carry on like this for a while or just eventually leave anyway.

If you’re willing to let her have a relationship with this woman then it’s easier for you as long as you make sure she’s still committed to your family and understands what that entails. Doesn’t sound like you are though.

Whatever you do, don’t let it drag on in limbo, make a choice either way.

She wants to have an affair and is dressing it up to be something spiritual and fulfilling to make it sound less seedy. She wants the very best of all worlds - a loving husband to fund her lifestyle and look after her kids while she shags who she wants.

You have to be assertive here. She is taking the absolute piss out of you.

Do I tell her she can't have contact with this woman (which absolutely goes again my values of openness, transparency, no censorship etc) which will cause resentment from her side and probably break our marriage up? Or do I let her travel 200 miles to this OW and let them have time together which will probably break our marriage up? Or maybe it won't... I don't know.

Would you let her travel to spend time with another man?

And a yes from me.

You need to tell her that she has to make a choice, you or this woman and that you can't and won't be in a relationship where you are being manipulated into competing for her time and attention. This is how you take control. It maybe that she chooses this woman, but better now than several more years down the line of a shit relationship with her cheating on you.

That is me being nice about her and your relationship. My own experience is that cheaters can never be trusted again and I wouldn't even bother.

As for the letter, cheaters do write some horrendous bollocks, don't they? You should look up chump lady as this letter sounds like it needs the UBT treatment.

Do I tell her she can't have contact with this woman (which absolutely goes again my values of openness, transparency, no censorship etc) which will cause resentment from her side and probably break our marriage up? Or do I let her travel 200 miles to this OW and let them have time together which will probably break our marriage up?

It sounds like your boundary is that you don't want an open marriage.

If you're not okay with your wife sleeping with another person, male or female, or with her putting you in a position where you can't feel confident that she's not sleeping with another person, then you need to set the boundary by telling her that.

If she can't or won't respect your feelings, or agrees to the boundary while showing that she feels it is unfair (which means she is likely to start ignoring it but lying to you), your marriage is over. Hard, but straightforward.

You do both sound like a sensitive couple, much more sensitive than many on here, and not many would put up with this behaviour.

She can't opt in and out of the marriage when she wants, she needs to respect you and your feelings.

Now respect yourself and spell out your boundaries, she is taking advantage of your good nature.

Time to toughen up.

She's taking the piss. She can't explore her sexuality when she is married. If she wants to do that tell her to pack her bags and move out. Don't engage any further in her navel gazing bullshit.

I'm sorry this is so hard on you but you need to wise up and take control. If this was a man would you be so accommodating?

I really don't think she is the 'incredibly spiritual and wholesome person with a heart of gold' you said she is.

Hmm, could your wife be in the throes of spiritual bypassing OP (https://mindworks.org/blog/spiritual-bypassing-how-to-avoid/)?

It's a common trap many fall into when they start going down the path of spirituality.