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Original poster

Ex has gone on holiday without kids -would you be annoyed?

162 replies

eohlay · 13/08/2023 12:17

We have been separated 5 years.
We have two kids 9 and 7.
He has been with his partner for 4 years ,they don't live together and she also has 2 kids.

Last week I found out that today he is going to Cornwall with her and the two kids and he has paid but not taking our kids with him.
When I asked why,he responded "it's too expensive to take them,it would mean getting another room and that's £550 extra for 5 nights and me and "lucy " having to take a car each.

Our kids are at a age now where they aren't stupid and will be talking to his partners kids about the holiday -obviously wondering why they didn't get to go.

I've last min booked us to go away next week for 4 nights so they still get a holiday

Would you be annoyed ?

OP posts:
TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/08/2023 15:02

Even if money is short because he has lost his job he is choosing to treat his partners children and not his own? How is that alright?

Helpful hint. It isn't.

Poivresel · 13/08/2023 15:03

TeapotTitties · 13/08/2023 14:48

Yes it's ok.

It's ok because their dad has lost his job.

It's ok because before he lost his job he took them every year.

It's ok because they're being taken out of school for a week in November to enjoy a holiday abroad.

It's ok because mum has now booked them another holiday.

It's ok because if he doesn't take the other kids without his, the other kids will not get any holiday at all.

And you know another reason it's ok? Because if the OP's kids are over the age of about 4, they should be learning to understand how fortunate they are and understanding the other kids wouldn't get a holiday unlike them due to money being tighter at the moment.

Show quote history

You don't know if the ow dc are getting other holidays with their actual biological dad though do you.

whitewinefriday · 13/08/2023 15:10

But does every holiday have to include children from both households? Particularly if they don’t know each other all that well? There have been so many threads lately, about forcing people together because they’re vaguely related, last week we got into some nonsense about having to include step-cousins on days out ….

Poorlilthing · 13/08/2023 15:22

If the children in this scenario were actually asked what they would like to do…. It would be to holiday with each parent individually without any partner or partner’s kids joining too.

but they don’t get asked do they? Just have to suck it up

TheCrystalPalace · 13/08/2023 15:23

Step-cousins? Well, that is clearly irrelevant to this thread.

I don't see that it helps the ex's case to suggest that he bought this holiday before he lost his job. The decision was still to choose his step-kids over his own.

How could he ever justify this to his children? "Sorry, kids, but I can't afford to take you on holiday so I'm taking these other two kids instead."
I mean, there's no way it will wash.

cracktheshutters · 13/08/2023 15:24

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/08/2023 14:05

Mumsnet is so contrary. If the Ex had posted saying he normally takes his own children away but this year he is paying for his partners and her two children to go and leaving his own out his arse would be handed to him on a plate!

And in the cases where the step mum wants to just take the joint children and wants to leave out the step children her arse would also be handed to her.

But somehow in this situation it is perfectly okay for the dad to prioritise the new partners children. Right. Okay then.

This ^

cracktheshutters · 13/08/2023 15:33

TheCrystalPalace · 13/08/2023 15:23

Step-cousins? Well, that is clearly irrelevant to this thread.

I don't see that it helps the ex's case to suggest that he bought this holiday before he lost his job. The decision was still to choose his step-kids over his own.

How could he ever justify this to his children? "Sorry, kids, but I can't afford to take you on holiday so I'm taking these other two kids instead."
I mean, there's no way it will wash.

Probably buttering the OW up as he intends to be a Cocklodger soon and can then throw in her face that he paid for her to go on holiday when she complains he’s a lazy arsehole. What my dad did 🤷🏻‍♀️

If this was the dad writing a post about mum paying for boyfriend and his kids, excluding her own, she’d be absolutely torn to shreds. Don’t know why some posters have such low expectations of dads

Ilovelurchers · 13/08/2023 15:43

I disagree with those saying that it's disruptive for the kids not to have set times with each parent over the 6 week break - this is how my daughter's dad and I do things and it's fine, as long as it's in the context of an amicable, flexible co-parenting relationship.....

What we try to avoid doing is being judgemental about what the other one is doing in the time they don't have our daughter with them.....

I think it's fine to holiday without your child at times if you are separated, providing you also take them on holiday at other times, and providing they are with their other parent while you are away.

I do see why this has annoyed you to some extent, OP. The presence of his partner's kids on the holiday must rub salt into the wound.

However, if you generally co-parent fairly amicably, it's probably not worth falling out over in the overall scheme of things.....

Poorlilthing · 13/08/2023 15:45

@Ilovelurchers

so if no set times over 6 week holiday - how does that work in practise? Surely some notice has to be given otherwise you could never plan. Is it on a week by week basis? How old is your daughter?

Ilovelurchers · 13/08/2023 15:53

My daughter is 11. We speak to each other in the run up to summer and agree when each of us are booking holidays with our daughter. These go on the calendar and are kept to. Outside this we kind of discuss it based on what we want to do, what she wants to do, what parties are coming up, times that she might want to see her friends, family events etc.... Basically we are both pretty flexible.

I do understand that this doesn't work for everybody and that for some people set times might work better. But a flexible approach isn't necessarily harmful, if you can all get on ok and make it work.

Poorlilthing · 13/08/2023 15:59

Ilovelurchers · 13/08/2023 15:53

My daughter is 11. We speak to each other in the run up to summer and agree when each of us are booking holidays with our daughter. These go on the calendar and are kept to. Outside this we kind of discuss it based on what we want to do, what she wants to do, what parties are coming up, times that she might want to see her friends, family events etc.... Basically we are both pretty flexible.

I do understand that this doesn't work for everybody and that for some people set times might work better. But a flexible approach isn't necessarily harmful, if you can all get on ok and make it work.

But don’t you each have work schedules? And need to book time off?
there just be so much back and forth between the two of you!

is it 50:50?

HappiDaze · 13/08/2023 16:00

If it was the other way round OP and you weren't taking your partners DC on holiday with your own DC you get absolutely slated here on MN for being selfish etc etc

You're right to be upset as is your right

I personally don't think people should have to take their own DC or step DC if they don't want to

Plus he knows your DC are getting a lovely holiday in Tenerife anyway so don't need the Cornwall holiday too as nice as that would be.

Cowlover89 · 13/08/2023 16:00

Yanbu x

Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 16:09

What he does in his time is up to him and non of your business. Your kids don’t need to be involved on every event he does.

Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 16:12

jods19 · 13/08/2023 15:00

I understand both points on here i.e he should of taken them and that if it's not his set days etc but.. my dad and stepmother did this all the time... She'd purposely book things for her own kids when I wasn't around so she didn't have to take me!! So yeah from my own experience i would be fuming

But why did you need to be invited to everything she did with her kids?

I book things on the weekends I don’t have my dsd as I like spending time with my kids and want to have memories with just them too. DSD gets invited to some things and other things she misses out on when it’s not our time with her. That’s how blended families go.

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 16:18

Would he take his dcs on hols without ‘Lucy’s dcs’ been there?

If yes, there is an argument that they are handling the issue if space/car/logistics as best as they can.

If it’s only his dcs that are left out … he is twat. But then you knew that if you got divorced….

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 16:21

@HappiDaze
1- he didn’t know that be case OP booked the hols as a response to him not bothering
2- a hols with mum doesn’t replace a hols with dad. What children want isn’t a hols as such. It’s time with their parents, their attention, care etc…. And giving a hols to one set of children and not the other sends a clear message on how much they matter.

jods19 · 13/08/2023 16:21

Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 16:12

But why did you need to be invited to everything she did with her kids?

I book things on the weekends I don’t have my dsd as I like spending time with my kids and want to have memories with just them too. DSD gets invited to some things and other things she misses out on when it’s not our time with her. That’s how blended families go.

Show quote history

Because she absolutely hated me? She was everything a stepmother shouldn't of been.

lastminutewednesday · 13/08/2023 16:25

My ex went on a speccy trip to Thailand with his girlfriend and her two kids. Worst still because my two know her kids (her and I were best friends before she decided she was 'in love' with my then H) and they don't get on.
My two were a bit put out but didn't even bother to tell him that as they always get the same reaction about guilt tripping them
About not being that fond of his girlfriend. They are so used to his selfish behaviour that it doesn't even much register with them anymore. Your DC will probably end up feeling similar. I wasn't personally upset as I couldn't give a fig what he does anymore 🤷🏽‍♀️

lastminutewednesday · 13/08/2023 16:26

And yes it did mean I had mine all Easter so for a week that should have been 'his'. Again no bother to me-I like having them!

purplebluediscorain · 13/08/2023 16:28

If you can dump the kids on him and go on holiday noo I wouldn’t be annoyed but if you can’t I would be. Everyone deserves a break but we mothers also do .

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 16:32

@Neonyellowfish is your DH also organising trips Wo your dcs so he has the opportunity to have memories with just them too?

No? Why not?

Neonyellowfish · 13/08/2023 16:34

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 16:32

@Neonyellowfish is your DH also organising trips Wo your dcs so he has the opportunity to have memories with just them too?

No? Why not?

All DC are his dc. 👍🏻

HotPringles · 13/08/2023 16:56

And if it wasn’t?
Would you happily go on hols with HIS dcs leaving your own dcs with their father?

kitsuneghost · 13/08/2023 17:18

It is normal for a family to go away as a household. Your kids are not part of that household.