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Original poster

Husband has lost our kids savings

352 replies

Helphusbandmessedup · 12/08/2023 16:32

I am so so so annoyed/angry/upset/fuming.

my husband has invested all our kids savings in crypto mining and lost the f*ing lot £14,500.

I’ve told him he personally needs to pay it all back, he thinks he’s just going to replace it from our other investments. Telling me he’d be poor if he takes it from his monthly money. I’ve long suspected he has a borderline gambling issue. I’m absolutely raging, when I said I don’t think it’s fair it come from our other investments he tried to overbearing me because I said it wasn’t an option.

I’ve said his other options are take a personal loan that he pays for or pay back every month but he’ll need to calculate the lost interest.

I’ve also told him I want to split our money going forward so we split bills but then have our own money. I earn more than him btw.

am I being unreasonable or just full of red mist.

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 16:57

Did he know this money was for the kids? Is that what you both agreed? Was it in their name? Did you know he was going to do this? Exactly what he was doing? Because it sounds like he purposely misled you.

Because if so I would view it as he stole the money, gambled it and lost It and he has no intention of replacing it.

Because he wants to continue to use his spare income to carry on gambling. He had a gambling problem and, worse, he doesn’t even feel bad. He might feel bad that he has been caught out. But he isn’t mortified at himself for doing it. So he isn’t even close to being able to tackle an addiction.

For me that absolutely would be divorced territory. It’s financial abuse of both you and your kids and it won’t get better.

bonzaitree · 12/08/2023 16:59

I would divorce over this, personally. It’s such a betrayal. How could you trust him after such recklessness?

TregunaMekoides · 12/08/2023 16:59

He'll be poor if it pays it back?

Well someone call a waaahmbulance.

He used money that was not his to invest. If it was a friend or a sibling he'd be expected to pay it back. This is no different.

What an irresponsible fool.
Investing in a scam I could maybe get past. Everyone makes mistakes, to err is human and all that. The lack of ownership of his mistake afterwards and reluctancy to rectify, I honestly don't know if I could. It says an awful lot about his current state of mind and it's not one of a decent husband and father.

JibbaJab · 12/08/2023 16:59

@Helphusbandmessedup Oh, no sorry. I was wondering whether he lost an actual real wallet because you can get them back.

Unfortunately seems he's dived into that without researching because wallets are free, you install them on your computer or drive and they are secure. To be fair it is confusing as fuck but you wouldn't bang that amount in without knowing what you are doing.

Make sure he doesn't double down on that and kinda learn from his mistake and think can make it back by doing crypto another way because it's not that easy, a lot of luck and timing involved.

painochocolate · 12/08/2023 17:00

Divorce

AndrexPuppy · 12/08/2023 17:01

Further to my post, even if he can pay it back in a way that is only punitive towards himself, that is a separate issue to how the two of you move on from this as a couple. What he did is a big deal. I’d suggest getting some therapy together to work out where you go from here.

houseonthehill · 12/08/2023 17:03

I mean… if he was scammed, he’s also a victim in this. People do fall for scams of various kinds and we don’t tend to punish them even if they look stupid in retrospect.

wormshuffled · 12/08/2023 17:03

Tell him to get a second job to pay it back.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/08/2023 17:04

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 12/08/2023 16:53

I’m not sure I could go back from this. It’s such a huge amount of money. Is he so wealthy that he can afford to throw away £14.5k?

there have to be massive ramifications for this or else he’ll just do it again.

This. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Too bad your kids had to overhear the argument.

If you stay with him, insist on controlling ALL of the money matters. And he should be getting a second job or driving for Uber or something, to accelerate the repayment process.

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 17:04

He's an idiot, and crypto and investing is basically a fancy form of gambling. The only way I could move forward from this was going forward all savings in cash Isa or similar, and he works out some sort of repayment from any sole money he gets.
I'd expect an abject grovelling apology though and that doesn't sound like his mind frame.

Songbird74 · 12/08/2023 17:04

I wonder if there is more money he’s lost and not told you. To lose £15k “first time” is a bit suspicious.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/08/2023 17:04

Another one wondering if this is the extent of it
I mean, how likely is it that someone will drain the kids' savings rather than "invest" their own money, which you say he hasn't - perhaps because he's got none left?

It's rather more complicated because you're married, but that would be instant separate accounts for me - and doubly so since you're the higher earner

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 12/08/2023 17:05

houseonthehill · 12/08/2023 17:03

I mean… if he was scammed, he’s also a victim in this. People do fall for scams of various kinds and we don’t tend to punish them even if they look stupid in retrospect.

Except that there are myriad conventional, safe and time-tested places to invest. Unless one has copious discretionary funds, playing around with crypto is foolish, juvenile and risky. It's gambling. A responsible adult would know better based on just a tiny bit of objective research.

He is NOT a victim.

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 17:06

Are you tied into moving house ? I'd be very wary about taking on more financial commitment with this clown.

user1471447924 · 12/08/2023 17:09

I’d leave him over this without a second thought. He’s irresponsible and greedy and it’s affecting your children. That’s inexcusable.

PollyThePixie · 12/08/2023 17:10

Helphusbandmessedup · 12/08/2023 16:50

We’re meant to be moving into a new house at the end of the year too, poor kids don’t understand the implications of his mistake. They just don’t want us to break up

im trying not to resent him as if he pays it back himself that’s on him. I feel if that’s the option then he will end up resenting me

If he does end up resenting you then it just showed him for who he is and you can decide if your life would be better without him in it.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 12/08/2023 17:10

AndrexPuppy · 12/08/2023 16:56

‘If he pays it back himself that’s on him’

Whether he pays it back or not, he’s still lost the money. The money he uses to pay it back won’t come off the magic money tree, presumably the family will still suffer the effects of the financial hole left by him needing to replace those funds? Or do you have separate finances and he is able to backfill the hole in a way that only disadvantages him?

Exactly!

My first thought would be divorce but OP went along with it and was fine with him risking it, as long as he paid it back.

But that’s crazy and she’s also to blame because that money he’s repaying will have to come from somewhere and it’s going to take a long time to save up that amount of money again, that’s if he doesn’t lose his job, die or leave her first.

Busubaba · 12/08/2023 17:10

Calling him a gambler is an insult to gamblers. He's just a very stupid man.

Autumnsoon · 12/08/2023 17:11

That’s fucking awful
how dare he
your poor kids
I bet he has no intention of paying it back ,if he valued it he wouldn’t have touched it .
at least you know to change the children’s accounts to one only you have access to ,if he pays the money back

daffodilandtulip · 12/08/2023 17:12

I don't believe he was scammed for 14k on his very first time of meddling. There will be more secrets for you to uncover.

Unforgivable.

rookiemere · 12/08/2023 17:13

OP was naive, the DH was a reckless idiot who still doesn't seem to have taken responsibility for his actions. I feel it's unfair to blame the OP.

SerendipityJane · 12/08/2023 17:14

I know a fair bit about crypto.

So do I. Which is why my advice (feel free to search MN for my posts) has always been to steer well clear (wouldn't touch it with yours etc).

And I made a few thousand on Bitcoin.

Autumnsoon · 12/08/2023 17:14

In your shoes op
id be taking out half of every investment and bank account you have ,and putting your money where he can’t access it

WonderingWanda · 12/08/2023 17:15

Please don't do what so many women seem to which is put up with a load of shit to avoid upsetting the kids. It will always end badly and upset and unsettle the kids in the end anyway so you may as well raise the bar and accept nothing less than his very best. Right now that would be absolute contrition, signing over all the remaining savings to you seeking help for his gambling and a plan to pay back the money each month. Anything less and he is not accepting responsibility for this almighty fuckup and he will continue to put your future finances at risk.

Polik · 12/08/2023 17:16

Sounds like the modern day equivalent to my MIL "investing" £10k in a timeshare. Money lost, it is essentially a fancy scam.

I view your DH as stupid and unintelligent to fall for it, much like MIL was. But it was ultimately a mistake, so not something I'd punudh him for.