Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

I agree with What are... He's taking his DP for a meal at his parents' home. He doesn't like beige crochet for whatever reason - maybe thinks it's unflattering or old-fashioned on her. He wants to be proud of her and how she looks. He thinks her Dsis wears nicer things.
Clumsy, yes. Sinister? No. DH has done the same to me - "Why didn't you wear a dress" when I'd worn trousers and a nice top when we went for a meal. I was a bit hurt, but doubtless he was a bit disappointed that I hadn't worn a dress!

If I was wearing something that my Dh thought I didn’t look good in and he told me, I may be a bit miffed, but I wouldn’t think he was rude. We do ask each other what we think of our clothes when we buy new, and I have been known to tell him that he might like to change an item he’s wearing if it’s no longer looking good on him. Neither of us get offended. We just get changed.

I have several times offered 'advice' on my husband's outfits. He's as colourblind as you can be and is always grateful. Absent a wider context of control/abuse, I think it's fine to have an opinion on your SO's choice of clothing. Sometimes you have to love someone enough to tell them the truth.

I think you should tell him to change his attitude from control prick to proud and supportive husband.

There is nothing wrong with the cardian. If you like it then wear it. If he doesn't like your style then tough.

@CherryMaDeara

more like so many people anxious not to excuse that awful cardi!

Your DH shouldn’t have mentioned your sister - that was rude. Whilst ideally I don’t think it’s great to comment on a partners clothes i do at times if DH wears something I really don’t like. Could it be you wear this cardigan a bit too much and he feels you are associated with it. The cardigan is perfectly fine (I have similar for wfh) but slightly drab and beige can make some people (me) look quite washed out. I think how you react depends on if he’s a dick and controlling in other ways or if this is an isolated incident.

I’m a Granny!
But if my MIL told me she liked my beige cardigan and commented on the practicality of it, I’d never wear it again. She is also well dressed but in her mid 70’s. I’m not yet 50, and so don’t want to dress in the same way as her. Just as I don’t want to dress in the same way as my daughter.

That said, your DH was clumsy in the way he spoke to you. But try and work out why you feel so hurt by it. Are there other factors?

As you’ve posted in relationships I’m guessing there are. So try and get to to underlying cause of your hurt rather than the clumsy way your DH expressed himself.

Why so many comments on the cardigan? This isn't the Style and Beauty board. It doesn't matter whether it's stylish or in fashion or not. It's Relationships. And the fact the OP posted it here indicates she realises there's more to this than taste in knitwear.

I can relate to this. I have a similar reaction to men in polo necks.

I would have a think about why you didn’t react more sharply when he asked why you didn’t wear a dress. Do you expect to have to dress to please him?

And why isn’t your hair standing up at his telling his own wife that her sister is better than she is?

I see so many women post here saying things which make me take a step back. Are they the same ones who come back when abuse escalates?

He sounds like an arsehole

Ok to say something but it's the way he said it that's the issue. He could have been a lot more tactful.

If you're referring to me, I did not mean it looked 'ugly', just that it's an outdated style. That's all. You're the one insinuating 'granny' = ugly. Have a word with yourself!

I would only be ok with comments on my appearance if I asked for them- which dress should I wear? Otherwise nope, I dress just fine.

By the way, as usual Mumsnet are behind the curve, crochet items are huge amongst younger people, both my late teens wear them and some even make them themselves. There's a crochet revival! This cardi is absolutely fine whether in fashion or not.

I think it's a cute cardigan OP and as it was just a casual dinner with his parents i don't understand why he said that to you at all.

That's just a matter of opinion.

I also think there's a difference between 'hmmm, that's not my fave cardi on you' and stopping the car, making you change and expressing disapproval in such an uncompromising way.

I can't imagine anyone that would do that would be cool in every other way, I just know it.

I don't know why, but he clearly thinks so. He's allowed to express an opinion. He clearly doesn't like the cardi full stop.

I agree that the timing, and comparison with the sister was unhelpful

It’s a hideous cardigan. But you can wear whatever you want

"I was a bit hurt, but doubtless he was a bit disappointed that I hadn't worn a dress!"

But why should you have worn a dress if you wore clothes that were appropriate for the situation?

I’d buy it in a few more colours and wear one every day.
Id also critique his outfit every day.

Not sure what to say. Is this one off? or he usually try to get his way in the rest of your clothes/daily stuff?

I like the cardigan, a lot, but he may hate it. Not sure about making an argument about it neither.
I don't know. I think he was a bit OTT by the sound of it. Or very much OTT if he acts like that normally.

I’m not sure on this one - yes he shouldn’t have been rude and the comparison with your sister is very harsh, but equally I’ve told DH on occasion if his shirt etc was too creased to wear to a meeting for example. Honestly I think from my POV with my DH he’s not great at smart dressing. I’d be interested to know how your husband dresses - Is he renowned for his style and taste?? If not I’d ignore him but if he’s known for having a good eye I might take on board! Why does he like what your sister wears?? Perhaps he thinks there’s another style that would really suit you. X

There’s nothing wrong with the cardigan. I love it. I’d love one.
I know exactly what I’d wear it with. I have a colourful dress that it would go with really well.
At the end of the day it’s all about opinions, and opinions are always going to vary.
Well done to you OP if you wear it often. You’re helping to save the planet by rewearing it.
You should have had enough confidence in yourself to have worn it no matter what your dh said. Who is he anyway, Jeff Banks?
l’m bringing my DD up to have enough confidence in herself that she never asks anyone’s opinion on how she looks. I say if you like the way you look then that’s it. Nobody gets a say. I’ve warned her that’s how control starts.

When I had my first job, like any teenager I’d be off buying loads of new stuff and when I got home I’d show my DF what I’d bought and ask if he liked it wether it was shoes or clothes, and he’d throw it back at me and say “do YOU like it?”
id say of course or I wouldn’t have bought it and he’d say there you go then why are you asking me?
I used to think he was being a cantankerous old bastard, he often was but I’ve got him to thank for giving me the confidence to stick up for myself. So,thank you dad.

OP go and get that cardigan in every colour it comes in and if they don’t sell them anymore well I’d teach myself to crochet and bang them out in every colour of the rainbow.
That’ll teach the sanctimonious old arse to never criticise your clothes again. … make a couple for your sister as well. Oh and your MIL.

It matters because people are giving examples of when it can be helpful to criticise people's style eg the man who wears knee high socks. In this case, there's nothing wrong with the cardigan so we know the DH wasn't being helpful.