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Original poster

Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

446 replies

Batima · 12/08/2023 09:13

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 12/08/2023 11:30

Gwenhwyfar · 12/08/2023 11:29

It matters because people are giving examples of when it can be helpful to criticise people's style eg the man who wears knee high socks. In this case, there's nothing wrong with the cardigan so we know the DH wasn't being helpful.

Show quote history

@Gwenhwyfar

but a lot of people DO think the cardi is wrong though

Notimeforaname · 12/08/2023 11:31

Oh I've definitely asked my partner to stop wearing certain things that give me the ick or just look awful on him😆. I wouldn't call it controlling.
And I'd much prefer he told me when he didn't like something on me.

Often when I'm shopping online I'll ask what he thinks of something and if he says he thinks it's ugly, I generally don't buy it.

But people are different.
You're not wrong or "over sensitive" to be hurt by it.

MrsRachelDanvers · 12/08/2023 11:32

Those people saying why comment on the cardigan-the OP put up a picture of it and queried its suitability for a meal with the in laws. And not all of us old people are insulted by the word granny! Some of us embrace being old-it’s better than the alternative!

Fizzology · 12/08/2023 11:32

I would never, ever criticise dh's clothing in the car on the way to an event. That is firmly arsehole territory.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/08/2023 11:32

"but a lot of people DO think the cardi is wrong though"

Nobody can argue it's totally inappropriate for the occasion or a fashion faux-pas. Some people just don't like it much.
Not comparable to socks and sandals for example, or a crumpled shirt for an important meeting.

porridgeisbae · 12/08/2023 11:34

I had an ex who was weird about cardigans in general- most of them he thought were frumpy.

I don't particularly like that cardigan but he was still a bit OTT and the bit about your sister was annoying.

LuckySantangelo35 · 12/08/2023 11:34

Gwenhwyfar · 12/08/2023 11:32

"but a lot of people DO think the cardi is wrong though"

Nobody can argue it's totally inappropriate for the occasion or a fashion faux-pas. Some people just don't like it much.
Not comparable to socks and sandals for example, or a crumpled shirt for an important meeting.

@Gwenhwyfar

i think that level of dowdy is inappropriate!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 12/08/2023 11:37

In the car when you are already dressed in an acceptable outfit is not the time to say 'it's so bad can we stop and get you a new cardi'.

That's not at all the same as commenting when someone asks you, or if someone's shirt is crumpled at home and there's a chance to iron it (not on the way) or someone is wearing knee-high socks.

The only correct response to the first scenario is 'fuck off'. I just know he's an uptight twat in other ways.

Gwenhwyfar · 12/08/2023 11:37

"I had an ex who was weird about cardigans in general- most of them he thought were frumpy."

So what are people supposed to do? Wear a blazer in somebody's house?
Jumpers don't work in the same way as you can't slip them on and off easily.

I have noticed that young influencers put a cardigan on when they're playing the part of their parents, but we're talking teenagers here.

WaltzingWaters · 12/08/2023 11:42

Is he often like this? Whilst of course sometimes people won’t like what their OH wears, the way he’s gone about this sounds very controlling and putting you down, rather than saying it in a jokey way.

And no, there’s nothing wrong with the cardigan for a casual family dinner. he sounds like a dick. Watch out that it doesn’t become a pattern of putting you down.

RoyalGala · 12/08/2023 11:44

He’s one of those who thinks a woman should know her place, what he says, goes. Next time be assertive, you can tell me you don’t like something but you don’t get to control whether I wear it or not. End of conversation!

bringbackthe80s · 12/08/2023 11:46

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

watcherintherye · 12/08/2023 11:47

LikeAPie · 12/08/2023 10:59

I don't think it's sinister. I do think it's sad. And very common. A long relationship can kind of drift off and complacency and boredom set in. If it takes root it can be damaging. Most people who have been together for a very long time have probably experienced a 'not that story/remark/t-shirt again ' and rolled their eyes. Sometimes it gets to a point where you need to recognise it and do something about it.

It’s amazing what conclusions you can draw from the op wearing a perfectly nice cardigan!

The thing is, it wasn’t a helpful suggestion, it was done in a hurtful way, The op thought it was fine. It wasn’t stained, threadbare or outrageous in any way. So what if her MIL has seen it numerous times? Her dh should have the op’s back, whatever he thinks of the cardigan. It sounds like everything has to conform to his standards, or he’ll make op’s life a misery. That isn’t a healthy relationship.

DysonSpheres · 12/08/2023 11:55

WaltzingWaters · 12/08/2023 11:42

Is he often like this? Whilst of course sometimes people won’t like what their OH wears, the way he’s gone about this sounds very controlling and putting you down, rather than saying it in a jokey way.

And no, there’s nothing wrong with the cardigan for a casual family dinner. he sounds like a dick. Watch out that it doesn’t become a pattern of putting you down.

It more sounds like he's actually been good and considerate in the past and said nothing even though he's disliked it all this time and genuinely didn't mean to say anything this time either, but after possibly months or even years of suppressing his opinion on it, the thought of her wearing it to his parents again, became too much and he blurted it out all rather clumsily and a tad harshly in the car, rather than as they were leaving the house.

Halfemptyhalfling · 12/08/2023 11:56

I can see how that particular cardigan could look shabby and horrible on a lot of people. Cream can be a very draining colour on some people. There are guided to how to find the best colour for anyone Like this

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muckandmerriment · 12/08/2023 11:57

This isn't about the cardigan it's about how controlling your OH is. To the extent that you had to placate him by getting changed. That's a huge red flag for me. Does he coercively control you in other ways?

DysonSpheres · 12/08/2023 12:00

Halfemptyhalfling · 12/08/2023 11:56

I can see how that particular cardigan could look shabby and horrible on a lot of people. Cream can be a very draining colour on some people. There are guided to how to find the best colour for anyone Like this

That's a great link but a shame it does cator for other skin tones more.

SequentialAnalyst · 12/08/2023 12:00

I would have taken his opinion into account, and consulted with him about wearing an alternative, of my choice, from my other clothes. But only if he had raised it before I set off.

The way he acted was ridiculous, and strikes me as a bit of a red flag.

Mothership4two · 12/08/2023 12:01

This reply has been deleted

This user is a troll so we have deleted their posts and threads.

He caused the drama getting annoyed and insisting she changed - for a casual family dinner! I would not do this to my DH and would tell him where to get off if he did it to me. And is getting fed up seeing your partner wear something several times even a thing? DH used to do a lot of sports coaching and would spend weekends in sports gear, which isn't my favourite look, but can't say it particularly bothered me.

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 12/08/2023 12:01

Gwenhwyfar · 12/08/2023 11:29

It matters because people are giving examples of when it can be helpful to criticise people's style eg the man who wears knee high socks. In this case, there's nothing wrong with the cardigan so we know the DH wasn't being helpful.

Show quote history

Lots of people replying do think there's something wrong with the cardigan, though Confused

WouldJustlikeaLatte · 12/08/2023 12:03

I’d have told him to go and fuck himself tbh, that I wasn’t changing and if he didn’t like it I’d go home. Who the hell thinks they can control what another person wears

Sureaseggs44 · 12/08/2023 12:04

Whataretheodds · 12/08/2023 09:17

He's trying to tell you that he's not a fan of the item /on you and wanted you to (smarten up)? He did it in advance, not telling you during when you couldn't change.

Not entirely unreasonable, albeit clumsy. I would and have let my OH know if I thought he needed to unscruff.

Yes me too. I sometimes just say

are you really going out in that ?

because he has put something old and scruffy on when he has plenty of other comfortable but smart things to wear .

I am not controlling just saving him a bit of embarrassment .

MetaDaughter · 12/08/2023 12:04

And not all of us old people are insulted by the word granny! Some of us embrace being old-it’s better than the alternative!

Oh, you’ve completely missed the point, here! Maybe read those posts again?

pinkfondu · 12/08/2023 12:05

Maybe that's why he did it, does he have any underlying issues with criticism from his parents?

PurpleSky09 · 12/08/2023 12:05

The cardigan is fine. His attitude is disgusting.