Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

Why does she have to 'smarten up' for a casual dinner at someone's home. Is his family Royal or something?

Yep, the comparison with my younger sister being much smarter than me would have done me in, to be honest with you @Batima . At this point, if I've got no children with him, I really think I'd be questioning the relationship and if I want to stay.

I mean, I've told my DH that I don't think he looks right in a certain thing, and he's told me if I don't. (It usually means it's too small and we look a bit fat tbh LOL!) But yeah, it sounds like you looked quite smart and your DH sounds really rude. Tell him he's upset you and you're quite angry about it, particularly about comparing you to your sister. THAT would have annoyed me more than anything.

People focusing on the actual cardigan in question here are missing the point, I think.

They certainly are.

Everyone needs to stop treating this like it s a Style and Beauty post.

It’s not about the cardigan.

It’s about the facts that

1. the husband doesn’t think his wife is well enough dressed for his family;

and

2. he compares her unfavourably with her own sister!

These would both be very, very serious for me in my relationship, and I hope would be for the vast majority of women with any self worth.

OP, does he control you and belittle you in any other ways? This sounds like an unhappy relationship for you. Are you sure you want to be in it? People like this don’t change, sadly.

Did last year’s Broderie collar craze pass you by?

Or the prairie chic craze of a few years ago?

Style is cyclical yes - that means it comes back time and time again.

I actually really like this, I would wear it for dinner at home with the family but perhaps something a bit smarter for a restaurant. I am a bit of an overdresser though!

I agree. Many people aged 25-35 who I know LOVE the styles from the 1980s and 1970s!

"He's walking around now for example in shorts and nearly knee high socks."

A well-known 'no-no'. Crochet cardigan, not so much.

I don't think it's sinister. I do think it's sad. And very common. A long relationship can kind of drift off and complacency and boredom set in. If it takes root it can be damaging. Most people who have been together for a very long time have probably experienced a 'not that story/remark/t-shirt again ' and rolled their eyes. Sometimes it gets to a point where you need to recognise it and do something about it.

Sorry but to me, it looks like an old granny's cardigan

FOR GOD’S SAKE WHEN WILL PROPLE STOP USING ‘GRANNY’ to signify ugly and style free? And when will MNHQ take a stand on this?

My DM is over 90 and still better dressed than probably 90% of posters on this thread. So am I - not a grandmother but certainly old enough to be one.

Do people who use ‘granny’ in this way think they will never live to be over .. what, 50? Do they think they will lose all ability to choose stylish clothes at that exact age? FFS, it’s enough now.

ftr, i dont like beige as a rule, but i actually quite like that cardigan.

your DH is just being rude btw.

Love the cardigan.

I have definitely said to my husband direct and to the point (which is my manner) things like “You can’t wear that to a Christening” (when he had never been to one before and a different religion) but never something to the effect of “I really don’t like this so please take it off.” Especially to a bloody family meet up that’s not even in a public place.

He sounds like an arse at the least but if there’s more instances of controlling behaviour, no matter how slight, maybe a red flag…

It just STYLE. Youth reinvents it. So what our grannies were wearing is what we rebelled against. It stood for the olden days.

I’m granny age and my children often think my style is terrible. By definition of the era it comes from.

I think their beige loose slacks are fugly likely because my granny wore them.

I dislike the cardigan and agree with pretty much everything that others who also dislike it have said about it.

Your husband's comments were unhelpful, though, and it's not on to be on your way somewhere and for him to suggest a detour to buy something else! That wasn't nice to do that. And whilst he might think he was being helpful suggesting you look to your sister and her clothes, that wasn't particularly nice either. It really set you up to not have a pleasant time.

But only you can decide if he's cackhandedly trying to 'help', or if he's trying to control what you wear, or if he's trying to get you off balance when you go out.

It looks like a baby's matinee jacket at first glance @Batima

But yeah it looks OK. Not something I would wear, but OK.

Exactly this.

To be honest the cardi is a bit dowdy looking. The sort of thing I'd wear around the house and out shopping. It's more the colour than the structure. Women rarely dress to the colours that suit them best, and oatmeal doesn't do much for anyone.

I think the sister thing is very clumsily worded, but imo, a red herring. It sounds like your husband knows you can look fabulous and is either annoyed that you don't seem to dress to your potential or annoyed that you don't appear to be making an effort when going out to dinner, albeit an informal one.

When you were dating would you have worn the same article of clothing all the time? Or would you have put more effort into it? Not a criticism, I have tons of comfortable and pragmatic clothes some decades old and washed out, and some plain ugly but I care less, but I could see how it could grate a partner for me to constantly dress in my comfy's.

This. My husband has a bright neon yellow jacket ( cycling type of thing) . Fantastically practical and bloody hideous. He would wear it because it's practical. If he was meeting my family,friends, anyone outside the house I would veto it . He can do the same to me.

"Sorry but to me, it looks like an old granny's cardigan (perhaps that's why his mum liked it?) and the beige colour just makes it look worse. "

It's way to small to be an 'old granny' cardigan.

What’s he like in other ways @Batima ? There’s something about the timing of the conversation - in the car, on your way - that tingles my spidey senses.

Sometimes women come on here asking about one particular issue and the thread could go either way. And sometimes it’s because your sense of self has been knocked off balance by emotional abuse.

I’m picturing pulling the car over, you rooting through a suitcase for something else to wear at the side of the road. It’s more than just a conversation.

My uncle pulled shit like this on my aunt. He refused to go to his son’s wedding because she wasn’t wearing the outfit he wanted her to wear (she was perfectly dressed).

It can be perfectly normal to comment on each others clothes, or part of an insidious pattern of emotional abuse.

I hope I’m over reaching op, but if this is part of a wider pattern of controlling and confidence-knocking behaviour, I want to flag it.

Im in 2 minds.

1. he does sound like an ass

but

2. there have been specific times like date nights where I have had to expressly tell DH to 'dress up' other wise everything would be work jeans with holes (not deliberate fashion holes), trainers and old worn slogan t-shirt that he wears every single day no matter if hes going to ASDA or the theater and a 5* restaurant. I have to do the same too teen DS who will wear a hoody and joggers (probably unwashed) to everything if left to his own devices (even formal events).

I think nitpicking what someone is wearing is kind of a dick thing to do, feels like deliberately undermining confidence but sometime some people do need to be told 'put in a little more effort than an average day today' because they won't otherwise and seem oblivious to it without being told.

Agreed. I have a neighbour knocking 100 who is fabulous and one of the most stylish women I’ve ever seen, including people I’ve never met like celebrities. I admire her energy to wear a different stylish outfit every single day which she even accessorises beautifully. Hair set with rollers and makeup too.

I like the cardigan.

That cardigan is the definition of frumpy. I wouldn’t wear it, and I’m 70.
I’m not sure MIL liking it is much of a recommendation either.

I do think it's fine for your other half to comment on their partners clothes, especially if an opinion is asked for or if the other persons clothes are not suitable to the occasion or does not flatter them. Dh and I do it to each other but it comes from a genuine place. I think it's the way he said it.

IMHO the cardi is ugly and dowdy. It doesn't look like it's shaped with no waist and wide cuffs.