Husband told me to change my jumper before seeing his family

[Batima]

Last night I was travelling with my husband to his family for the weekend. We were going to have a casual dinner in his parents' house in the evening.

I was wearing a cardigan/jumper that I've worn loads before and which I really like and find useful. It's a beige short-length crochet open cardigan. It's semi-structured - so I think it's quite smart - and is a loose style so is useful for throwing over tops and dresses in the summer as an extra layer. I like it! And it's in a good condition - it doesn't look worn.

A few mins into our car journey, my husband looked a bit annoyed and said 'can we stop and get you a new jumper?' He then said it's unflattering on me, that it's too casual and he didn't like it. He said 'can you imagine your sister wearing something like that?' (he has said before that he thinks my sister dresses well).

I said I really liked that jumper, that I've worn it loads and he hasn't said anything before, and that I wanted to wear it anyway because it's a useful layer.

But he got annoyed and made such a fuss that I ended up putting it back in my case and wearing a jumper that he did like.

He said he should be able to tell me if he really doesn't like something I wear (and he's done so a few times before) - and that I can do the same to him.

I feel funny about that conversation last night, and feel a bit like he's easily embarrassed by how I look. Is this reasonable or am I being too sensitive here?

I don’t believe for a moment that young people admire the styles of the older generation or that saying so is ageist. Anyone born in the 60/70s will recoil at beige cardigans and arched drawn on eyebrows. Or mullets. Style goes in cycles, that’s all.

that's nice, dear.

I think the only issue is him comparing you to your sister.

I always want my DH to be honest with me as I am with him. I am ok with him saying something doesn't suit me or isn't his favourite, but that doesn't mean I won't wear it.

It's great that his mum likes it, but i'm not sure that proves the point that your DH shouldn't have a problem with it. I can assure you, there were many clothes I wear that his mum wouldnt like, but my DH very much does. So I'm not sure their mums fashion is necessarily what they look for or like in their wives, but again, it's not telling me what to wear it's giving me an opinion on it as do him.

It sounds like his tone and attitude were off. Why is he feeling so much irritation towards you over a piece of clothing that he knows you like? I definitely pass judgment over my DH's clothes, but there is zero ill feeling there. More a factual statement of that top would look better tucked in, that jacket doesn't work with those trousers. I hasten to add we do ask each other's opinion, I'm not the clothes police!

What a controlling Arsehole!

In you shoes I would be getting one for my sister and getting her to wear it whenever she sees him.

Commenting isn't the end of the world, the sister comparison would fuck me right off...unless you'd previously said that you wished you had your sister's style or something.

It’s not the nicest of cardigans to be fair to the man 😅

If your husband can’t tell you as a one off that he doesn’t like something then it can’t be a great marriage overall. It’s not like he’s criticizing every outfit you wear. As much as it would upset me, I’d rather be told.

He probably didn’t mind it when you first bought it but I can imagine the continual over-wearing of it has started grating on him….

I think this could explain his reaction. Maybe he is fed up of seeing you in the cardigan.

DNRFT (I have no idea what the correct acronym is for haven’t read everything. I just made one up..!)

if he isn’t usually like this, and I suspect not given that it jarred. Maybe it’s worth getting curious about what’s going on?

my husband can externalise angst and seem a bit controlling when he’s worried sometimes. It sounds to me like he was trying to control something because he felt a bit out of control + fixated on the wrong thing… is there stuff going on with his family that he might be feeling weird or fizzy about?

ditto the sister thing - he knows, probably unconsciously, that it might jab and redirect from his stuff…

for sure it would be psychologically ideal if he were to be fully self aware and transparent. But we’re human.

I’m not advocating you giving him a hall pass for being an asshole - but if it isn’t in character. It’s perhaps worth being curious. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think a PP has nailed it. It's not about the cardigan which is perfectly appropriate for the occasion. It's not even about what he thinks his parents think about the cardigan (after all he heard his mum say she liked it). It's about what he thinks about OP. Unfortunately 'same old beige cardigan' kind of expressed it.
It's come out in a very hurtful way but I think it's a sign that the relationship needs some attention to get back on track. OP has posted this in Relationships and not S&B. She was right.

but if you wore it over a top, the top would stick out underneath

No, it wouldn’t, it’s not that short.

So many people anxious to excuse the H here.

It was me&the marriage or... the rain hat.
I meant it.
Luckily, being a reasonable guy, he didn't want to knowingly give me the ick.

I also insisted that at 40 it's time to let go of The Simpsons (and similar) print T-shirts. It's a bad day when your DH looks like he clothes-swaps with toddlers.

Sartorial abuse. I'm guilty and I'm dangerous!
Though I wouldn't ever go for another habitually bad dresser. There's usually more shit there than just shit clothes.

BTW I think the cardi looks cute. I love a cardi!

It's the sister bit that would bother me tbh. Are they close?

Oh I like that!

Then this should have been your response "Well your mum likes it, and so do i, so no."

I went out with mine yesterday. He bought himself new footwear.while he was away on for work which I hadn’t seen on. Pitch black walking shoe, clearly quite specialist for specifically walking. Looked pretty odd in contrast to his casual t shirt and light coloured shorts (and rather short legs).
I said nothing apart from they were nice as he was clearly proud of them. I did feel guilty for letting him go out looking like the guitarist in AC/DC and frankly it did give me a bit of ick. 99% if the time he looks great too so I know he cares. I’d be less cringe if I knew how he looked didn’t matter to him IYKWIM.

Sorry but to me, it looks like an old granny's cardigan (perhaps that's why his mum liked it?) and the beige colour just makes it look worse. It does not look smart to me, just dowdy. But I find, imo, that most cardigans do look dowdy. Beige cardigans though are the worst. It's what elderly men in slippers with a pipe wear. Or, at least that's how I invision it. However, he is unreasonable to dictate to you, and to wait until you were in the car to do it so made you faff about in a small space in the car. If he so much as suspected you were going to wear it he should have said something beforehand, before you even got in the car, such as when you were getting dressed or ready to leave. He caused a lot of unnecessary drama.

It's not about the cardigan, it's about making you feel shit about yourself and letting you know you're not good enough for him/his family. The negative comparison to boot. Honestly I think this is really sinister, can't believe people are excusing it

Actually really like that! Looks so useful! I bet im not the only one! Tell your husband xxx number of women from mumsnet like it.

I can see why a certain type of man with certain expectations of glam women might not like it.

As a benchmark my husband sometimes says 'i dont like some of your clothes and dont think they show you off to your best advantage but your comfort and practicality is more important' sometimes thats followed by a compliment or a comment on finding me attractive despite my penchent for floral sack like dresses or dungerees.

i would just laugh if my dh said he didn’t like something I was wearing and I’d carry on wearing it. Nobody should make you feel you aren’t good enough however my dh isn’t very good at matching colours and I do tend to say that oh those clothes don’t match or maybe you should change the shirt/trousers.

but im not rude about it and could never compare him to someone else.

I don't know - DH owns stuff that I would find inappropriate for a meal out - just because it's scruffy or too casual or ill-fitting. I would happily tell him that a different jumper would be better, or that his other shirt would suit him better.

But I would never compare him to his brother - that's not kind and you can tell people you dislike their clothes without making them feel like shit.

Okay prepare to have your mind blown Upsizer - I was born in the 70's and I don't recoil at beige cardigans, arched drawn on eyebrows or mullets.

OP it's up to you what you wear, it's up to your husband to choose if he comments on that and it's up to you how you feel and react to that.

People focusing on the actual cardigan in question here are missing the point, I think.

But OP’s is not any of that.

Comparing you to your sister and you coming up short 😬
I wouldn't be able to get past that, personally.