Our marriage… anyone else been married for a long long time ?!

[Tellithowitiss]

Got married as students.

At the time , comming from a difficult family , i found his kind reliability a real boon . He is quiet, kind , introverted, has no mates , never goes out socialising without me . Rides a bike and maintains them for hobbies. Never wants people round , asks how long they are staying if they do come over . He he happy for me to go out or have mates over so long as he isnt asked to join in . He is bright, reads a lot and listens to music. He will go out to gigs with me if I arrange them and enjoy s them but v v rarely asks about going out relys on me for any social things . He wd never book a suprise meal or holiday.
he is really practical and maintians the house . He is semi retired , as am i , with moderate work place pension.

when we met at uni , I didnt know these things .. like the extent of his quietness, as so much going on … then careers.. then kids .. and now he is early 60s me 60.

I dont know if we are suited .
i fell for him as he was intresting looking And caring .. and he has been a decent Dad.but after a fee years i knew he was really just a bit too quiet for me . I shoved it down and thought about his good bits .

i find him not interesting . I feel terrible saying it .
we dont like the same tv prog , at night we have different rooms to watch tv and frankly i am glad .

i am glad when he is at work . I love love the house to myself .
i am not lonely. I love my own company . I also have lots of mates .
the thing is as i perceive him as slightly boring .. its like i just dont give him the chance ( as i predict that he wont want to do anything anyway and if i ask about him .. how he is etc , his day as i did earlier , its mostly a one word answer .. so am not motivated ro ask etc..).. which then compounds it … so the circle goes rojnd and round.
he says he knows he will never be the life and soul.. i know . I m not attempting to change him .. i am just wondering if this is enough.. a good , kind , quiet, predictable, man . I feel guilty because I prefer my own company in the house more and more these days .

I mean i probably need to make more effort in the house. But my prediction , is almost 100% correct that we dont have much to say or i dont feel interested in what little he hs to say. We are ok when we go out tho.. we both love music etc

I think your situation is far from unusual. I'm sure you feel shortchanged when comparing your situation with what you feel it could be with a different type of man, but pragmatically, what can be done about it now?
You could leave him on the off chance a more compatible relationship presents itself or if his presence feels more of a burden than an asset. But from the sound of things, he's no bother and he brings some advantages such as stability, house maintenance, pooled income and some companionship for activities. He doesn't restrict you in any way (other than from possibly meeting another partner) so you still enjoy your life as you would if single.
Above all, he is a good man, kind and with many qualities. He has no faults you find intolerable and he obviously feels the same. Which might seem a low bar, but given the divorce stats its one many dont meet.You've a lot of history and a shared home and family. All of those things count, sometimes more than being entertaining company.
He isn't going to change so you need to accept that, or decide whether to take the huge gamble of leaving.

I have been married for a long long time and it is inevitable that there are ups and downs and questions as the relationship lengthens and changes.
I too love my own company, but also have quite an active social life (daytime only), he is not social at all.
A good thing that has happened is that DH has a hobby that takes him out of the house overnight every week, which we both benefit from as I then get my own space regularly. Surely that is true for you when your DH goes on his bike rides?
It is interesting that you get on well when you go out to something you both enjoy. Perhaps if you did this once a month you may find that helps your relationship as he may become less ‘boring’.
You could have a comfortable, companionable, and relaxing relationship with your DH heading into your twilight years, with the spark provided by your mates - I go on weekends away with mine a few times a year and have lots of coffees and events with them each week/month.
Ok it may be you doing all the organising of things to do as a couple but accept that and do it to ensure you get the life you want.

I think you are underestimating how much good there is here. Why have you never discussed any of these things? There are ways and means of saying these things gently. I was wondering if ... I was hoping you could...,.
Yes he's not going to change. You should've recognised how quiet he was. Why did you not see this?

I couldn't cope with it. Dh and I are both social and like to bbq and entertainment, both have lots of friends.

But most of what you write can be worked on.

thank For replies.
yes, he gives me much freedom, but the house is so quiet when he is home as inside i feel quiet , little interest.he has so littoe to say. he will cook meals occasionally etc .
we do goout more or less weekly to misic.if i left it, after a few months hemay notice hed not been out i think .
i am quiet sociable outside .. we live in a safe area and in thelocal pubs men of our age often talk to me as mayes . But one seems really friendly and has told his relative that he realy lieks me . I tild my husband that ( as id be jealous the other way round) but nothing . He says he really likes me ( my husband ) when ive asked him if he still does .. as i am not sure ! .. as i have an attractive personality ( his words not mine) .. i think when we still had sex he was more focussed on me , but now thats gone by the wayside ..he is less motivated to attentive .

So do you think this other man's interest in you may have sparked this discontent?
Are you socialising with the pub men, having fun and conversation, and wishing your DH was as attentive and entertaining?
Because if so, I would bet my house that what you see of them is just their very best social selves, and that their wives, if they have them, would probably tell you a different story. It's a rare man in his 60s who matches a woman of the same age in energy enthusiasm and zest for life.

Well at first we were at uni so there was lits hoinv on always and i didnt notice he was quiet.
then he really helped me with some very intense family trauma and he was so kind and clever.

then we moved areas to work so it was exiting and new

then we travelled quite lot to intresting places like india

then we had kids

then we had kids / careers/ ill parents / very busy sporty kids .. eveey weekend a sport

then … its now
i guess I thought he wd become less quiet. He had a v difficult family and i think it became his way . He certainly relies on me to bring him ‘ life ‘ variety he says .. i guess i thought he wd change a bit or i would adapt. He was at work 5 days a week in a high stress job.. i took part of the quietness as exhaustion.. he said it was . ( also the reason he had no mates .. too tired) but now he is not tired , around a lot and he is still quiet so its not extermal factors as he suggested and i assumed
he will go bbqs etc if i make sure he knows when people are leaving.. which os always his first question.

i just feel he does bot share who he actually is ..

My husband is social I’m not. He likes the outdoors I don’t. But he goes out and sees friends and he has a volunteering role that does the whole outdoors.

We then do stuff together. I don’t begrudge him the social life that he has just like he doesn’t begrudge me the introvert life that I have. We have been together for over 23 years. I would not dream of asking him to stop camping like he wouldn’t dream of dragging me out for a night at the pub. it’s about give and take.

5128gap .. really ? Do uou mean men at rhis agw have less vest than woman of same age ? Id never thought of that . My roles models are my mums late husband who drank gin with her in the afternoon and still flirted . My darling dad who used ro seee his lifelong friend most weeks and. Have chips with him , as well as sing in a choir twice a week, and a 75 year old still performing musician. Maybe i need to consider this aspect you mentioned !

My late OH was quiet - I used to say he would have made a great lighthouse keeper! But he would socialise if I arranged something and he would enjoy himself - but he would not have initiated it himself.

I organised all holidays too - and he rolled with it and had fun - but again it would not have come from him.

Did I resent that? - no, not at all - I looked at the other good things we had and just went with the flow.

Make a list ..... note down all the good things. When a bit of interest from outside has drifted your way it is hard to remember the things that are good. And I truly believe shared memories are something to be treasured.

What you describe @Tellithowitiss is pretty standard in a marriage. Might I suggest you stop over thinking your situation and just get on with the life you have. Many people would be overjoyed to have what you have.

You have the basis for a very happy life there. Talk to the decent quiet man you married and see how you can, between you put the icing on the cake of your long, successful marriage.

Also, you say your DH is boring, but you don't tell us what you do except go to the pub and watch TV. Perhaps you are feeling a bit empty now you've semi retired and are projecting this emptiness/boredom onto your husband. Fill your days with new hobbies, adventures and friends and then, when you sit down to dinner with DH you will have a whole world to talk about.

I felt the same after 25 years together.
I recently had cause to be away house-sitting for three weeks.
My Gosh did I miss him after the initial rush of being on my own/ doing my own thing!
Don't get me wrong, it was lovely to relax in bed on my own, get up and only have me to think about.
But as the days passed.....I missed him!
I wanted HIM with me when I walked on the beach, visit castles and ate out.
HE was the person I phoned every night to chat too.
It made me realize , however mundane our day to day life is, I would definitely miss him.
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Truly that is my experience. I'm 54 and have many female friends my age. There is a noticeable difference between their levels of get up and go and those of their same age husbands. Most complain their partners don't want to do anything or go anywhere and are asleep in front if the TV by 9pm. Just the time we women are heading out on the town! I can't imagine that getting any better as they move into their 60s. I think the snapshots we see of the dynamic high energy silver foxes are both rare and situation specific. If my friends stories are anything to go by its a different story in their own homes.

If you have been married for "a long, long time" then you should know that the grass isn't always greener. Your husband is the same person he has always been, and he sounds like a nice man. You both owe each other some loyalty. Doing some things separately is completely normal - in fact, I would say essential - but don't punish him just because he likes a quieter lifestyle.

He won't change now - if anything he'll likely become quieter - so it's up to you as to whether you think you'd be happier divorced?

What would the response be if a man posted that his wife of many years was boring!
Come on !
You would eat him alive!!

•I think when we still had sex he was more focussed on me , but now thats gone by the wayside ..he is less motivated to attentive•

You're only just 60 and he's not much older. How does it feel to not be having sex anymore and whose idea was it to stop?

.

Well, he sounds lovely to me. Self-contained, calm, intelligent, skilled, fit, kind. He will go to gigs with you. You have your own friends. It sounds like he loves you very much. The grass is not greener. You are taking him for granted, calling him boring and are rather disloyal, honestly. You sound very full of yourself.

I feel a bit similar OP- my H isn't quiet as such, but life generally is quieter if you have no kids at home and a partner who doesn't have loads of local friends.

What I would say is you say you have a lot of freedom- so I would make the most of it -- if you were on your own there's a chance that's how it will stay- so I can't see how it would change things radically. It may still feel quiet and a bit lonely .

Would you be doing anything radically different if you were on your own out of interest?

Very long marriage here too OP. Your DH would suit me more than the one I've got, care to swap?

Been together with mine 24 years so I guess we are set in our ways .
I can't hand on heart say I love him at all times and often get the feeling is mutual now and again but I believe the both of us would miss each other like the loss of a limb should something happen to either of us .

But she has explicitly said that he doesn't chat to her! It's a completely different situation to yours

thanks for replies!
maybe i am boring myself or bored in addition to his quietness as someone suggested . ..
i dont really have hobbies but is what i do

visit cities alone and people watch / look at architecture
go off in my camper van to random places i dont know

work x days a week in a now easy job ( i miss the learning in my old stressful career , but not the work)
organise charity/ drink parties in my house for mates to meet up
organise gigs for husband and i
organise random events
walk
exercise
plan home improvement's
organise stuff with adult dc
Set up a weekly creative craft group
i love houses and buildings and waste a lot of time online due to this . Must admit i need mental stimulation but unsure how to proceed.
i need things to do in the eve other that the pub !
our village does not have non pub venue at night.

we cant go away much as we have elderly dog who cant be left with others much

my dh spends his spare time listening to music or learn about bikes . He arranges a twice yearly holiday for himself on his bike . So he is capable of organising things. When he is away he does not rimg to chat.

I do chat to huband about things . I find misy things i interesting.. i am not high need in some ways i can find joy in staring at a wall ! Its the human connecton feom him dd has noticed it too and my oarebts whwn alive said they did not really ever know him despite yeas of visits ..