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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our marriage… anyone else been married for a long long time ?!

152 replies

Tellithowitiss · 07/08/2023 20:56

Got married as students.

At the time , comming from a difficult family , i found his kind reliability a real boon . He is quiet, kind , introverted, has no mates , never goes out socialising without me . Rides a bike and maintains them for hobbies. Never wants people round , asks how long they are staying if they do come over . He he happy for me to go out or have mates over so long as he isnt asked to join in . He is bright, reads a lot and listens to music. He will go out to gigs with me if I arrange them and enjoy s them but v v rarely asks about going out relys on me for any social things . He wd never book a suprise meal or holiday.
he is really practical and maintians the house . He is semi retired , as am i , with moderate work place pension.

when we met at uni , I didnt know these things .. like the extent of his quietness, as so much going on … then careers.. then kids .. and now he is early 60s me 60.

I dont know if we are suited .
i fell for him as he was intresting looking And caring .. and he has been a decent Dad.but after a fee years i knew he was really just a bit too quiet for me . I shoved it down and thought about his good bits .

i find him not interesting . I feel terrible saying it .
we dont like the same tv prog , at night we have different rooms to watch tv and frankly i am glad .

i am glad when he is at work . I love love the house to myself .
i am not lonely. I love my own company . I also have lots of mates .
the thing is as i perceive him as slightly boring .. its like i just dont give him the chance ( as i predict that he wont want to do anything anyway and if i ask about him .. how he is etc , his day as i did earlier , its mostly a one word answer .. so am not motivated ro ask etc..).. which then compounds it … so the circle goes rojnd and round.
he says he knows he will never be the life and soul.. i know . I m not attempting to change him .. i am just wondering if this is enough.. a good , kind , quiet, predictable, man . I feel guilty because I prefer my own company in the house more and more these days .

OP posts:
Pontiouspilate · 08/08/2023 14:47

I tell my teenage daughter that if there's one thing to look for in a man, it's kindness. You have that, so I genuinely think you should spend some time working out how to make this next phase of your lives work together before you give up on him

@Hopingforagreatescape you do realise there’s another option that doesn’t involve having to be with a man don’t you!! Jesus Christ she doesn’t need to make something work with a man she clearly doesn’t like, let alone love, just to be with someone.

they’re not married anyway beyond a bit of paper. They don’t socialise together, spend time together, chat, confide or have sex. I mean I do four out of five of those with my best mates let alone a partner

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 18:12

Alcemeg
thanks for reply
i think that yiu are right about early tocic stuff .
i recognised him and his background i think
i think he does not include me because he is veey self sufficinet. He seems to find it hard to suggest things to do .. and van try hard it seems .. but comes up with shall we go for a coffee rather than anything exiting
i once asked him if i died who would he socalise with , how would he get compamy .. he said i was enough for him and if i wasnt here he wd makw an effort
he is awkwaes with dd . He is unsure hiw ro talk to her . Fine with ds .. talk about sport etc
he says he worries about me doong thigs as i have adhd .. but i get by !
i think he respects me .. but i do think he likes life as he likes it .. he does listen and make an effort.. but i dont rhink he gets it as he always returns to type . For eg 2 years ago i said should we watch a film together.. he said yes .. i said leave it him to choose .. no film .
he plans his days often as a single man .. like i am at so and so today.. he seems not to plan ahead at all . For eg until recently we went out each wed eve.. i didnt mention it one week , found him in the house .. asked are we going.. oh you nevermwntioned it .. ok i said remember to just ask next time? Ok .. didnt . He simply does not think about it / mention it unless i do .

OP posts:
newname642 · 08/08/2023 18:13

How long have you slept in separate rooms, OP? And who instigated that?

And do you ever hold hands or hug or be tactile with each other at all or is that alien to you both now?

If you don't have any physical or mental connection, it's no wonder you're feeling empty.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 18:20

About ten years . When we moved house 4 years ago , i suggested i try and slepp in same bed . He couldnt sleep. I said let me know if you want to try again.
he hasn't mentioned .
we hold hands when we walk around outside. He occasionally hugs me , mostky when ive had a difficult time.
i put my cheek out for a kiss , but he sort of puts his cheek next to mine and mostly does that rather rhn kiss my cheek .
he often says i am pretty, sometimes stunning . ( i like to make an effort, alwats have)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 18:24

Typical eg . I am just in from work . He in garden . No tea made. Didnt come and say hi .

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 18:50

He might just be emotionally incompetent, OP.

Do you enjoy being around him?

No judgement either way.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 18:57

Not really . He is kind but he is quite tense ( or gets tense easily)

OP posts:
PurpleSky300 · 08/08/2023 19:15

He sounds like a very boring room-mate and not much else. Life's too short for separate rooms, separate beds, hardly any conversation. It's mad to me that people are telling you this is normal and to just accept it.

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 19:50

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 18:57

Not really . He is kind but he is quite tense ( or gets tense easily)

THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION!!!
do you feel you walk on eggshells around him?

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 19:59

I know what people are saying about not being hasty, appreciating what you have, grass isn't always greener etc. but...your marriage seems a shell of a relationship and neither of you seem happy. No conversation, no fun, no sex, separate beds. What would your situation be like financially if you were to go it alone?

You could have another 25 years of this ahead of you.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 21:07

Alcemeg i do

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 21:09

RitzyMcFitzy would struggle financially . Yook many years out of my carreer with dc , then wenr part time as he had a stressful career.

OP posts:
Tormundsbeard · 08/08/2023 22:17

What prompted you to go to couples counselling?

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 22:20

Communication issues!
difficulties post kids .
his use of porn rather than addressing issues between us ( avoidance)
i know porn acceptable to many . It a difficult one for me due to past trauma.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 08/08/2023 22:33

Just treasure all his positive attributes. None of us are perfect are we, let's face it. DH is outgoing, I am not. I enjoy the quiet life.

newname642 · 08/08/2023 23:20

His use of porn would be the end of the line for me. What happened in the counselling? Was it addressed or resolved at all?

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 08/08/2023 23:23

PurpleSky300 · 08/08/2023 19:15

He sounds like a very boring room-mate and not much else. Life's too short for separate rooms, separate beds, hardly any conversation. It's mad to me that people are telling you this is normal and to just accept it.

I agree. I'm amazed so many posters are saying this is normal and get on with it. No it isn't! It sounds miserable, lonely and isolating. You're just house mates who don't particularly get on. This could easily be your life for the next 20 years!

My DH and I are the same ages as you and have been married 36 years. We talk all the time, we make plans all the time, we laugh all the time. We're obsessed with our DGC. We socialise together and separately, we watch the same tv programmes and enjoy the same podcasts on long car journeys. Since the DC flew the nest we love to travel. We do sleep separately as his snoring could wake the dead.

If I had come on here moaning about my DH posters would have a point that the grass isn't greener - infact this thread has given me a new appreciation for how good my marriage is if so many posters think your depressing relationship is all anyone in a long marriage should expect. No don't expect it and don't accept it! Maybe you can work on what you have, if he's prepared to put the work in, but he sounds like a complete loner who sees no value in sharing his thoughts, interests, dreams etc. and while you agonise over your marriage he probably doesn't care one way or the other.

This is no way to live just be he's no trouble and brings you the odd cup of tea.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 23:29

newname642 well he used it just after i had jy first child . He said he felt displaced and wanted to pretend he was ‘wanted ‘.
the councelling looked at the positives of sexual energy.. as i saw ut as a destructive thing in our marriage.
he agreed to stop using it and to focus on a real relationship.
i think that i tried really hard , but truly never recovered.
it felt like i must try especially as id just had a baby 6 months ago .

OP posts:
newname642 · 09/08/2023 06:05

So was the counselling a long time ago, or was it more recently but you raised things you'd been upset about over the years?

I know it's probably not all that unusual for a partner to feel 'displaced' by a new baby, but I'd feel the same as you about his use of porn to somehow salve that.

Alcemeg · 09/08/2023 09:29

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 21:07

Alcemeg i do

OK, so you feel you have to walk on eggshells around him. He is tense and unpredictably moody. Aloof and patronising.

You haven't slept together for 10 years.

Your heart sinks when he comes home.
He ignores you when you come home.

He is a stranger with a secret life you know nothing about e.g. hidden money, learning another language, different food choices, holidays alone that he doesn't even involve you in planning.

He has no friends at all.
You don't enjoy his company, and I'm not surprised.

In terms of past intimacy, he bluntly announced that he just wanted more sex, before helping himself to it (from you). He used porn when he felt "displaced" by your child.

He yelled at you over the phone when you were at work, loud enough for your colleagues to hear.

He has not been there for you emotionally over the years.

When you say he is quiet and kind, do you really feel him as a kind person? Or more as though he just goes through the motions of being a kind person most of the time (and you dread the other times)?

By all accounts he has the life of a single man, just living in proximity to you. I don't normally suspect affairs, but do you think the language, money, holidays and food could be the tip of an iceberg of a secret life he has helped himself to on the quiet?

Not sure why I said that, and it's probably a complete red herring. Whatever's going on, though, this is no marriage and this is no life for you. Flowers

Zebedee999 · 09/08/2023 12:51

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 11:29

People are talking about boredom as though it's a trivial issue that you can just "fix" by trying a bit harder.

It isn't always. It can get worse with time.

I also think that, given we're all going to die one day, boredom might be the greatest sin of all.

You are spot on. All this "work at it" is nonsence when you've been living a slow death for the last 20 years with a mismatched partner and it will only get worse as the regrets and bitterness become front and centre.

Kweeky · 09/08/2023 13:29

This doesn't sound great. I've been married 39 years and do find myself hoping he goes first so I get a bit of time on my own. Though sod's law that won't happen. He can be angry. Usually not because of something I've done but as I'm living with him it obviously affects me.
If I was you I'd be v curious about the money. Want to know where these stashes come from and why he needs them. I'd start checking bank accounts.
One thing you mentioned was not using your brain or words to that effect. I'm retired and this seems to be a thing with me, all the walking, gardening etc just doesn't stretch you. I am going to look at dealing in stocks and shares.

DH at 73 uses Cialis and we occasionally have sex.
But your lot doesn't sound good. You need to be practical and look at all the finances and see what you would end up with if you split up. Start there.

Bananas1350 · 09/08/2023 14:33

@Zebedee999 i agree. My marriage has been something we have both worked on over the years. Talked about what is wrong , how we can fix it. We make sex in our relationship a priority. We have ‘worked ‘ on it for years. During that time we have learned so much about each other. And over time we are now a solid couple.

but the underlying love and attraction and always been their during all our ups and downs. If they had gone. And the respect had gone no amount of working on it would have helped.

longpathtohappiness · 09/08/2023 18:55

My DH falls asleep on the sofa A LOT! Talking to women who have DH of his age (55 years old) it seems pretty normal. I have got cross and berated myself. In short I am staying put and learning to find a way to cope.

TheJRTwontLetMeBe · 09/08/2023 22:22

longpathtohappiness · 09/08/2023 18:55

My DH falls asleep on the sofa A LOT! Talking to women who have DH of his age (55 years old) it seems pretty normal. I have got cross and berated myself. In short I am staying put and learning to find a way to cope.

My 94 year old FIL doesn't fall asleep on the sofa, let alone my 64 year old husband.

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