Our marriage… anyone else been married for a long long time ?!

[Tellithowitiss]

Got married as students.

At the time , comming from a difficult family , i found his kind reliability a real boon . He is quiet, kind , introverted, has no mates , never goes out socialising without me . Rides a bike and maintains them for hobbies. Never wants people round , asks how long they are staying if they do come over . He he happy for me to go out or have mates over so long as he isnt asked to join in . He is bright, reads a lot and listens to music. He will go out to gigs with me if I arrange them and enjoy s them but v v rarely asks about going out relys on me for any social things . He wd never book a suprise meal or holiday.
he is really practical and maintians the house . He is semi retired , as am i , with moderate work place pension.

when we met at uni , I didnt know these things .. like the extent of his quietness, as so much going on … then careers.. then kids .. and now he is early 60s me 60.

I dont know if we are suited .
i fell for him as he was intresting looking And caring .. and he has been a decent Dad.but after a fee years i knew he was really just a bit too quiet for me . I shoved it down and thought about his good bits .

i find him not interesting . I feel terrible saying it .
we dont like the same tv prog , at night we have different rooms to watch tv and frankly i am glad .

i am glad when he is at work . I love love the house to myself .
i am not lonely. I love my own company . I also have lots of mates .
the thing is as i perceive him as slightly boring .. its like i just dont give him the chance ( as i predict that he wont want to do anything anyway and if i ask about him .. how he is etc , his day as i did earlier , its mostly a one word answer .. so am not motivated ro ask etc..).. which then compounds it … so the circle goes rojnd and round.
he says he knows he will never be the life and soul.. i know . I m not attempting to change him .. i am just wondering if this is enough.. a good , kind , quiet, predictable, man . I feel guilty because I prefer my own company in the house more and more these days .

He is described as aloof?
he is sort if the opposite of warm .. he tries but then alway s returns to himself - whuch is only right.
its like living with an image of a person.. he is really kind to me but it feels to me lie i dont know how to find his self .
i have struggled for years but as i say he was at work 5 days a week . Then the kids needed taking to sports every sat , we had sunday then busy again …

He says he loves me as i bring him intrest and in his words life. So he does understand this aspect of life . He then always used to try and talk etc when he was younger but of course , wd return to himself, which is only right. he provides stability, reliability. I need to value what he gives . But i just dont know how to talk to him as i dont want to talk at him !

Oh ! Dd is quite like him . She gets uoset ar times and says she wish she wasnt as ahe finds friendship hard . She has one mate from uni . She does not naturally make friends wereas our ds who is more similar in personality to me has lots of friends , good ones , he seems to attract people to him .

Do you go away together?

I tell my teenage daughter that if there's one thing to look for in a man, it's kindness. You have that, so I genuinely think you should spend some time working out how to make this next phase of your lives work together before you give up on him. You obviously need to keep busy socially so work on finding ways to do that - volunteering, work, adult education - those things could help?

So did you think all this before the man flirted with you in the pub? Sorry if that’s a brutal question but it does sound a bit like you’re rewriting history a bit here op.

What is his relationship like with your children … does he speak to them much?

I think a lot of what you say will resonate with many of us who have been married along time. I have found that as dc have left home or become more independent the differences between us have come out. But like you dh is a good man, kind, thoughtful and loving. I have realised that we have to work at finding things to do together and make an effort. We like different tv programmes but we compromise and I will read while he watches something so at least we are together. I also enjoy time alone which is no bad thing. Do not be unhappy but also do not lose someone that you may never find again. You can live together in a different way and evolve.

Hi OP!
Wow - I could have written your post. Been married for a very very long time to a very kind, lovely man. We've been together since we were teens / early 20s.

For me, his middle-age has developed into grumpy-old-man syndrome and I find it very wearing. Whereas I've become a lot more positive about life and want to spread my wings (namely with travel). He's set in his ways and very unlikely to change now so I have to accept it or make a decision to go. And that's very hard.

I also think it's because our DC are now at uni or about to go and I'm re-evaluating our lives. Do we really have much in common anymore?

On balance, I think yes. But, like you, I spend a lot of time with friends as, quite frankly, it's more fun.

I don't know what the answer is but just wanted you to know it's more common than you think and you're not alone.

To be clear . I dont want to go off with men who chat or flirt in the pub . Its that i noticed that the talk, the banter made me feel more alive ?
yes he has hot mire of the grumpy old man in his disposition . For eg i misplaced my handbag at a gig . I just said hang on ive got to look for my bag.. he was oh no , not another lost thing ( dd had lost s thing earlier) in a grumpy voice , assuming it lost , the negative, when it was found under a chair some ten seconds later.
we used to love to travel together but now cant afford other than uk as pensions too moderate plus we have an old dog we cant both leave.

Yes , speakes to son about sport etc and tv
progs and his ( ds) life.
dd he can struggle. Its clearly an effort. Noted by her . They are similar .

Thanks again for replies!

A typical eg y day is that he got a parcel. He did not tell me what it was . Or mentioned..I get a parcel.. its like ooh look , how exiting , look at this. Do u like it, were / how shall i wear it ( typically a vinted bargin) , what do u think of tha patten ,, oh want to see it in .. i love it / hate it .
him . Ive ordered new shoes . Me ok great. What are they like . Like my old pair . So similar ? Same brand ? More heavy for winter? Yes , boots . Oh nice . Do u like them ? Yes . Same as others.
i ts hard to draw him out .
i domt know how to share small exitements that i feel are central to small joys in life.. am not hi need dont need big trips etc but small things in life can give joy and connection !

Also , he rarley makes any plans ( other than for his bike rides) i never know what he fancies doing until i ask HIM.. its like i said what wd you like to do this year .. blank.. oh i am going for a bike ride with ( a mate) .. anything else … blank.. what do You want to do .. to me .. its like he has no aims of his own .
if i went out for a yeat by myself maybe that wd make him realise he needs a human connection to me / others ? I dont know .. i am happy to work at it , but it feels like walking thro thick mud .
but if i needed ,say, a medical appt , he wd offer to take me , no prob at all .

Oh gosh OP I really feel for you. I had a lonely marriage like this, too, where my (ex-)DH could show no enthusiasm at all for the little joys in life. This is so, so, so wearing over time, it erodes you the way water carves into rock. After all, the little joys in life are what make life enjoyable.

He says he loves me as i bring him interest and in his words life.
Errmmm, well, quite.

PPs are giving you a hard time for not counting your blessings for having a DH who is fundamentally kind and reliable. But I'm not sure they appreciate what it's like to be with someone who drains the life out of Life.

This is more than just being a bit bored with him.

It's quite possible, as you reflected earlier, for life events to mask how little you have in common with a partner... for years and years, until suddenly you notice. In my case, we'd got together very young after I'd been through a series of traumas, and we seemed to be on the same wavelength. It took me almost two decades to realise that his personality was naturally negative and gloomy, whereas mine had only been like that when we first met, as a result of my awful experiences, and my true spirit was bright and optimistic and needed to find expression without him dragging me down all the time.

This might not apply to you, but in our case he had been subtly undermining me for years because I think at some instinctive level he knew this, and was afraid of losing me, so made sure my wings were clipped.

I'm always recommending this book on here, but I really think it's particuarly appropriate for you right now. Please read at least a sample of it ... I think it will help you to diagnose your situation (especially if you do the exercises in the back) and decide whether anything needs to be done.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Coming-Apart-Uncoupling-Breaking-someone-ebook/dp/B09L15WWX7/ref=sr_1_1?crid=175TYYPRC0KP9&keywords=daphne+rose+kingma+coming+apart&qid=1691482813&sprefix=daphne+rose+kingma+coming+apart%2Caps%2C118&sr=8-1

I'm really happy with my dp, but I know my exh is having regrets, he thought I was boring (I'm not in fact I'm more sociable) he wanted different things and left me after 28 years.

My exh sees me going out having fun and i even watch tv with Dp because he'll watch things I'm interested in and vice versa unlike exh.

The grass isn't always greener, worked out brilliantly for me, exh wouldn't agree ... be careful

As you are both edging towards full time retirement can you find out what he would like to do or write some kind of bucket list of things for early retirement and then get out there and do them together and separately. At least you will know you have tried to refresh things.

I hope it’s making you feel better to get this all off your chest because it sounds like you really don’t like him very much and having read on and on about him, I think you (and he) would be happier parting.

I think this feeling is really common for women our age. You have you head down for 20 years, bringing up kids, caring for parents, building a career, running a home, nurturing friendships. And when you finally get a chance to draw breath and look Up, you think “is this it?”

The grass certainly isn’t greener but it can be more interesting. It’s a lot to throw away on what ifs, but sometimes it’s the what ifs that kill you.

I think you're being greedy and unrealistic. I think this is more about you and your own identity crisis and fear of death. The grass isn't greener.

Those examples OP about parcels and clothes/shoes are a typical male/female reaction IME … although there are obv exceptions!

My DH is quit outgoing but would not be the slightest bit interested in a conversation like that.

Quite outgoing!

I think this sounds like a fairly normal, long marriage.

People often grow apart in some ways, especially at retirement age. He sounds fundamentally an introvert, and you’re not.
But it sounds like you rub along OK and have a decent life. What’s the alternative?

Obviously if you’re completely miserable, you could separate. But if not, I’d say ‘love the one you’re with’, be grateful and positive about the long married life you’ve had together and plan some things to get excited about for the future, together but also just for you. Marriage doesn’t have to mean doing everything together. It’s healthy to have your own interests and a life outside of coupledom.

Alcemeg we met in similar circumstances actually. I had massive family trauma to resolve including a court case which lasted until i was in mid 30s .. at which point we had dc …
he was my rescuer in his mind and mine.
as i recovered, he didnt have that role, instead if a vulnerable frightened woman , who he protected and this gave him status etc in his own mind , i blossomed, of course with his help, into the happy , intrested person i feel now . Its like he does not know what to do with the true me that has emergered or what his role is ?
i feel very grateful to him , but also i need someone with an expression of a personality.?? He goes to his bedroom after tea if we dont go out. Its full of plants , his music , bike stuff. We sleep seperately as he snore s v v badly.

i have said lets watch a film etc , he says yea lets , but then never instigates. I feel actually tired of trying to instigate things i think
we have had this conversation before which i started .. how about we both plan something.. yes .. from him .. then nothing … over time … have stopped asking.. as i feel like a nag if i do … we are so very different people. I like small joys , i also like the occasional thing to look forward to ..
eg we were jnvited to a very cool wedding in a barn .. it involved an overnight stay as 6 hours away.. me .. lets try n make a hol of it . Him
the dog womt cope. We are not the most important people there , they wont mind if we dont go .. its a long way .. no intrest in , if we dont go , getting them a gift, or take for a meal.. just no thought of a connection to the fact that its a wonderful celebration..? To me its a loveky thing .. he just wanted to get out of it . He often says things like well they wont miss us , we are not central .. its like he looks for reasons.

i dont mind doing things by myself at all . Its just healthy to have things to do together?
why am i being greedy and selfish ? Very happy to be told and to address my own issues.

JennyBeBad why am i being greedy and selfish? Happy to be told and to address my own issues.