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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Our marriage… anyone else been married for a long long time ?!

152 replies

Tellithowitiss · 07/08/2023 20:56

Got married as students.

At the time , comming from a difficult family , i found his kind reliability a real boon . He is quiet, kind , introverted, has no mates , never goes out socialising without me . Rides a bike and maintains them for hobbies. Never wants people round , asks how long they are staying if they do come over . He he happy for me to go out or have mates over so long as he isnt asked to join in . He is bright, reads a lot and listens to music. He will go out to gigs with me if I arrange them and enjoy s them but v v rarely asks about going out relys on me for any social things . He wd never book a suprise meal or holiday.
he is really practical and maintians the house . He is semi retired , as am i , with moderate work place pension.

when we met at uni , I didnt know these things .. like the extent of his quietness, as so much going on … then careers.. then kids .. and now he is early 60s me 60.

I dont know if we are suited .
i fell for him as he was intresting looking And caring .. and he has been a decent Dad.but after a fee years i knew he was really just a bit too quiet for me . I shoved it down and thought about his good bits .

i find him not interesting . I feel terrible saying it .
we dont like the same tv prog , at night we have different rooms to watch tv and frankly i am glad .

i am glad when he is at work . I love love the house to myself .
i am not lonely. I love my own company . I also have lots of mates .
the thing is as i perceive him as slightly boring .. its like i just dont give him the chance ( as i predict that he wont want to do anything anyway and if i ask about him .. how he is etc , his day as i did earlier , its mostly a one word answer .. so am not motivated ro ask etc..).. which then compounds it … so the circle goes rojnd and round.
he says he knows he will never be the life and soul.. i know . I m not attempting to change him .. i am just wondering if this is enough.. a good , kind , quiet, predictable, man . I feel guilty because I prefer my own company in the house more and more these days .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:19

Its interesting maybe about ad or just renitence. He struggles to talk to people sometimes but others not . He is quite blunt. I remember him saying once about how he wanted more sex . He said crossly.. just before the deed, i wnat more sex before i get told old to do it .. not my fave chat up line .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:21

Tellithowitiss. Will read the threads . Thanks .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:29

Also do others dh not reply to texts . I replies to tjem but also frequently does not . I send him details of good place s to go etc , nice recipe s . No feedback .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:30

Recipe s we cd try tog i mean

OP posts:
BeforetheFlood · 08/08/2023 12:34

Do you think you could spread your wings within the relationship? So stay and enjoy the benefits, but make a conscious decision to prioritise your own needs and wishes. I noticed that you say you like houses etc, and I wondered if you have space in the garden to create somewhere just for you - the equivalent of a man cave type thing, that could be a project you might enjoy and would give you your own space? He might even help you with DIY etc which would bring his good qualities to the fore.

With the wedding, could you go alone? Enjoy planning the trip around your budget and find some lovely things you'll look forward to doing/seeing. Most rooms are doubles anyway so you can keep if open for him to join you. (Maybe dd could dogsit?)

RosesAndHellebores · 08/08/2023 12:41

@Tellithowitiss we have been married for 35 years. DH is quiet, moral, loyal and a workaholic. He is also quite selfish, prefers his friends or mutual ones to mine, relies on me for social stuff/small talk/entertaining which has been a part of his professional life. He likes sport, opera, music, France. He does not consult. He is a fussy, possibly a bit OCD and likes his pants and hankies pressed and his socks folded. I am more skittish, more self obsessed, vainer and more sociable. We both dig in our heels.

However we share the same values, politics, love of gardening, France, the sea. He puts up with my interest in art, I put up with his in music. We chat about the news. We have disagreements. We spend time in different rooms and give each other space. He learnt to play the piano just before we had children and learnt some Russian in the mid noughties.

We love the bones of each other. Every night he tells me he loves me before he goes to sleep and again when he wakes up in the morning. Every time I hear his key in the lock, my heart lifts.

Marriage is compromise but both your souls and hearts need to be happy. This could continue for another 30 years. Do you not deserve happiness for the last third of your life. Or at least to be content.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:42

Good idea re garden room . He hates diy . S
but i cd do it !

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:44

Will try .would love for rhe sound if key in door to lift my heart.

OP posts:
BeforetheFlood · 08/08/2023 12:56

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 12:42

Good idea re garden room . He hates diy . S
but i cd do it !

Good for you! 💪

I've also been married a long time to a thoroughly decent, kind man. Like you, we met when we were students, while we were still growing up I guess and I think over the years he has just outsourced a lot of thinking and decision making to me. I totally get the craving for space and a bit of selfishness after nurturing babies, bringing up children and taking full responsibility for running the whole domestic show for the best part of 3 decades. But I think there are ways of getting that without burning everything down. (Though of course if you really want to do that you must listen to your heart and start that conversation. But I would explore other, less extreme options first?)

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 13:23

Most people describe him as nice...a few have also described him as aloof, and arrogant, and patronising. When he talks to our dd she describes feeling like she is in a work meeting not a father / daughter relationship.

Now, this is why I think your spirit flattening when you hear him come home is your instinct telling you something important.

He might not be the all-round good guy you have tried to sustain the image of, that PPs are pasting their own wishful projections onto.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 13:30

Alcemeg what do you mean ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 13:31

I mean can you aloborate?

OP posts:
RandomForest · 08/08/2023 13:45

He sounds dependable and very loyal and you sound like you're in the process of devaluing him, he will have picked up on this.

He will notice the spring in your step through being given attention by someone, don't underestimate him, it sounds like he is the still waters run deep kind of man.

You seem hell bent in not seeing his possitive points and re writing history, I would be very careful as, as loyal as he is if you are disloyal towards him his strength of character would probably never forgive you.

Don't throw it all away for thrills.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 13:47

I guess in oart i feel i dont trust him . Not because i think he is doong bad things , but because i know he does not yell me things as he is insular.

for eg he started a special diet . Didnt say anything . Fulled a cupboard with his special stuff. When i asked he said oh u are welcome to use them . But i didnt know they existed .

has a great big wodge of money in a bag in the house. He did not tell me about it . He showed me when i asked . I am convinced there is more hidden . He said he is stashing it . For when he has less work . As it fluctuates .
just things that he doent say make me feel i dont know him .. its like he makes some decisions unilaterally

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 13:48

Like he books his yearly holiday , little referece to me . I domt mind . Its just the lack of communication that sewms to extend to a few areas of life feom v small like his vitamin supply to hols etc .

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:11

I mean can you elaborate?

Oh gosh OP I'll have a go!

The trouble is that we are all strangers, and unpicking this sort of thing in our own lives is difficult enough.

My own feeling, which is entirely based on subjective projection of my own experiences, is that PERHAPS you got together so young that PERHAPS toxic relationship dynamics from your childhood felt like "home" and PERHAPS you have reached a point in life where there are no distractions, and you start to notice this.

I suppose the questions I'd be asking you are:

When he leaves you out of things, do you feel as though that's because he is entirely self-sufficient (ADHD, whatever...), or could there be an element of contempt and disdain for you?

When you've talked to him about needing more connection, does he listen and take it on board, or do you end up feeling like a weirdo for not being as insular as him?

Do you feel that he has the utmost respect for you (and your DD)?

It's all very well for PPs to point the finger at you for being ungrateful and "having your head turned", but they might be reacting to your description of him as a kind and decent man, and have no experience of this kind of loneliness (and, dare I say it, potential abuse).

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:12

For example, what do you mean by "his yearly holiday" and why doesn't he include you in planning it???

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:12

And his secret stash of money???

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:14

Only you can tell, but PP mentioned "You seem hell bent on not seeing his positive points and rewriting history" ... but sometimes it is possible that we are hell bent on not seeing someone's negative points (especially when eternally grateful to them for rescuing us from childhood madness), and rewriting history, or at least the present, is an exercise well worth doing.

RitzyMcFitzy · 08/08/2023 14:15

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 13:47

I guess in oart i feel i dont trust him . Not because i think he is doong bad things , but because i know he does not yell me things as he is insular.

for eg he started a special diet . Didnt say anything . Fulled a cupboard with his special stuff. When i asked he said oh u are welcome to use them . But i didnt know they existed .

has a great big wodge of money in a bag in the house. He did not tell me about it . He showed me when i asked . I am convinced there is more hidden . He said he is stashing it . For when he has less work . As it fluctuates .
just things that he doent say make me feel i dont know him .. its like he makes some decisions unilaterally

It does sound like two housemates living separate lives rather than a couple sharing a life.

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:15

Sorry to be like a dog with a bone!

My gut tells me there's more going on here, but of course I could be wrong. Only you can tell.

lyralycra · 08/08/2023 14:24

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:15

Sorry to be like a dog with a bone!

My gut tells me there's more going on here, but of course I could be wrong. Only you can tell.

I agree, it does sound suspicious.

BeforetheFlood · 08/08/2023 14:36

The secret stashes of money are troubling. That goes beyond being introverted or simply pottering along in his own quiet way. To me that would be a serious breach of trust, especially if finances are a bit tight. A long marriage where you've built everything together (and, as a woman, likely sacrificed your own finances to have children) is a team effort and hiding money away from your partner feels underhand at best, and actually downright dishonest.

OP, have you spoken to him directly and maybe asked him whether he's ever thought about you going your separate ways? Because his behaviour suggests that he wants to live an entirely separate life and you would like to discuss that possibility?

Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 14:36

lyralycra · 08/08/2023 14:24

I agree, it does sound suspicious.

Show quote history

Thanks @lyralycra , it can be hard to fathom what's going on in someone else's life but I do know from experience how we tend to discount abuse when that's all we're used to from an early age. I know you judged OP on the basis of what she has said about her DH being a kind and loving man, but I am entirely familiar with the delusion that goes with being someone who isn't.

Only OP can know Flowers and perhaps not for a while...

Pontiouspilate · 08/08/2023 14:38

Leave him. He sounds very dull and you’re not compatible anymore. You’re happier alone. I left my boring husband after 20 years and life is dreamy….