Our marriage… anyone else been married for a long long time ?!

[Tellithowitiss]

Got married as students.

At the time , comming from a difficult family , i found his kind reliability a real boon . He is quiet, kind , introverted, has no mates , never goes out socialising without me . Rides a bike and maintains them for hobbies. Never wants people round , asks how long they are staying if they do come over . He he happy for me to go out or have mates over so long as he isnt asked to join in . He is bright, reads a lot and listens to music. He will go out to gigs with me if I arrange them and enjoy s them but v v rarely asks about going out relys on me for any social things . He wd never book a suprise meal or holiday.
he is really practical and maintians the house . He is semi retired , as am i , with moderate work place pension.

when we met at uni , I didnt know these things .. like the extent of his quietness, as so much going on … then careers.. then kids .. and now he is early 60s me 60.

I dont know if we are suited .
i fell for him as he was intresting looking And caring .. and he has been a decent Dad.but after a fee years i knew he was really just a bit too quiet for me . I shoved it down and thought about his good bits .

i find him not interesting . I feel terrible saying it .
we dont like the same tv prog , at night we have different rooms to watch tv and frankly i am glad .

i am glad when he is at work . I love love the house to myself .
i am not lonely. I love my own company . I also have lots of mates .
the thing is as i perceive him as slightly boring .. its like i just dont give him the chance ( as i predict that he wont want to do anything anyway and if i ask about him .. how he is etc , his day as i did earlier , its mostly a one word answer .. so am not motivated ro ask etc..).. which then compounds it … so the circle goes rojnd and round.
he says he knows he will never be the life and soul.. i know . I m not attempting to change him .. i am just wondering if this is enough.. a good , kind , quiet, predictable, man . I feel guilty because I prefer my own company in the house more and more these days .

lyralycra why would they … tell me ? Id like to understand! Honestly . Honestly .

He's quiet, kind, dependable, probably a rich inner life. At some stage he has moved further into himself (perhaps your influence?) such that he feels he cannot share with you that he is learning a new language. Perhaps he is scared of being ridiculed or persuaded not to do it. Not saying that is what you would do, but suggesting that is what his thought process is.

The issue here is not your husband… you have had you head turned by someone else. The guy in the pubs probably married and looking for a shag to put it bluntly

I am in much the same situation, dull mismatched partner, no sex etc. Lots of positives but overall I am feeling deeply unhappy, depressed and feel I am living a slow death to my actual death. It would cause massive ructions if I left so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Right now I am choosing the slow death.

@nap1983 that's shallow and suggests you don't understand what OP is saying. The OP is what needs to be considered

I see .. thanks . I did ask him why he didnt share it .. kindly .. we both loved travel til dog got old .. he just said .. its no big deal .. shrugged it off .. so what / how cd I encourage? Other than what i said which was it was amazing and i also said i cdnt understand why he didnt tell me .. i gave him a soace to say why?

Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. Some people are more open and chatty than others and that's OK. What I'm saying is that this is who he's always been and it's strange, and very unfair on him, to realise after 50 years that actually, you don't like him.

Zebedee999 i feel for you.. please share more if you would like or need to ? Xx

People are going to give you a hard time on here, OP, I promise you. But you're not an ungrateful wretch for thinking there must be more to life (and a relationship) than this. Please read the book, I hope it helps.

gannett with full time careers, busy sporty kids , to be honest we hardly saw each other !

Can you imagine if this was a man saying these things about his wife? Oh, I was attracted to her when she was 'interesting-looking' (when she was very pretty) and she was a good mother, she has never been the life and soul, I've noticed now that there are women around who laugh a lot and now I feel like I'm entitled to a bit of excitement and I really don't like my dependable and kind wife anymore, she bores me. Imagine that!

He sounds like my DH who has ASD. I have ADHD. He has many attractive qualities but I relate a lot to what you have written. It's interesting that your daughter takes after him. My eldest is currently on the ASD assessment pathway.

My DH still works (his obsession) but I am constantly agonising over whether to stay or go. Something is fundamentally missing in our relationship. It's easy to put it down to perimenopause etc but sometimes it's like the 'slowly boiling a frog' analogy. One day you wake up and see how much you are sacrificing and how much is missing.

The attractive qualities are very attractive though and that's what makes it difficult to decide. But for men like my DH and yours they seem to just have a very low need for intimacy and connection. They want a quiet calm life above all else.

This

I think you’re in in the denial stage.

My first thought is that this is more about you than him. You are bored. Beware of the green grass that is next door. Do you discuss the news, politics etc? Do you try to find what he is really interested in. You may look at other men and think they are more suited to you as more exciting but many will read and think boring is good.

The stuff about the parcel is irrelevant. We would never discuss what's in the parcels we receive, because each of us would be bored rigid by the other one's stuff!

People are talking about boredom as though it's a trivial issue that you can just "fix" by trying a bit harder.

It isn't always. It can get worse with time.

I also think that, given we're all going to die one day, boredom might be the greatest sin of all.

He sounds dull as dishwater to be honest OP. Wouldn’t be for me this.

Well when i asked him him about learning the new language , he said well its bot a big deal , just want ro keep mind active.. no more convo .. i trues to take it further ..

when he was younger and we had second child he withdrew massively. Its his way rather than tallk. He said , when asked retrospectively, he felt done for , as didnt want a second child .. he said he cd hardly tell a pregnant woman that … yea he is kind , but my goodness i was so alone in that pregnancy. Nothing i could put my finger on . Just withdraw al of self .
how can we have a relationship when he does not share what he is about much ? How can i know him ? For those if tou who say its wrong to say he is boring.. maybe i used the wrong word ? Insular, doea not afdress thing s..?

SquirrelSoShiny oh my gosh ! You have nailed it ! Low need for connection .
i dont need to be out all the time , can sit for hours reading etc , quite low need in many ways.
its the lack of need for connection.
he has no friends over the last 40 years .( exepr for 2 a few years ago .. but sunce we moved none again . He used to say he had all his rela at work , but since semi retirement that cant be the case. Its lack if need to connect. I wish he shared jis inner life , i have no doubt he has one .

The thing is i never feel bored .
i can only describe a lowerjng of my energy when he comes home .😞

There are some long-running ASD support threads over on the relationship boards. You might find them interesting.

I know that exact feeling of withdrawal of self. My DH does it when he is overwhelmed. It kills intimacy more than anything else because it tends to happen at very emotionally challenging times eg birth of a child, death of a loved one. The loneliness adds to the pain of whatever else is happening.

The trouble is: my DH - like yours- is basically a kind, decent, hardworking man. When I look at other men out there and the relationship boards I just see endless posts about how shit so many men are so it sometimes feels like stay or sign up for a life of singledom.

@Tellithowitiss read the threads I mention. They will be illuminating. So many people join them and go 'O.M.G. This is my life!'

Some people are staying and some have left and some of us wax and wane between the two.

SquirrelSoShiny oh my gosh ! It sounds like we have a v similar llife . Its like a lightning bolt to hear u describe it .
yes during birth s i felt really alone .. he didnt know how ro connect, when i had a surgery he want away because i hadnt told him to stay.

i should have said he said .

i assumed he wd know!

when my df was dying he did not offer to come but felt his role was to look after the kids . I wanted him to offer.

he gets v stressed about things that dont worry me . Like once i got clamped as i forgot to oay my car tax. He rang work , shouted down the phone at me , despite knowing i was in a meeting , with collegues he knew … they ciuld hear the shouting.
he prefers actions to words . Like make a cuppa .

i am wondering now so much about what you havw said and the reasons why i can feel odd ? Its like he cant hear? Oh i have adhd too .

Most people describe him as nice
a few have also described him as aloof , and arrogant , and patronising . When he talks to our dd she describes feeling like she is in a work meeting not a farher / daughter relationshio.

He sounds like a very nice chap, you say he reads? So presume he’s got things going on inside his head. I think you need to look elsewhere for your mental stimulation. One person cannot provide everything