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Original poster

Our marriage… anyone else been married for a long long time ?!

152 replies

Tellithowitiss · 07/08/2023 20:56

Got married as students.

At the time , comming from a difficult family , i found his kind reliability a real boon . He is quiet, kind , introverted, has no mates , never goes out socialising without me . Rides a bike and maintains them for hobbies. Never wants people round , asks how long they are staying if they do come over . He he happy for me to go out or have mates over so long as he isnt asked to join in . He is bright, reads a lot and listens to music. He will go out to gigs with me if I arrange them and enjoy s them but v v rarely asks about going out relys on me for any social things . He wd never book a suprise meal or holiday.
he is really practical and maintians the house . He is semi retired , as am i , with moderate work place pension.

when we met at uni , I didnt know these things .. like the extent of his quietness, as so much going on … then careers.. then kids .. and now he is early 60s me 60.

I dont know if we are suited .
i fell for him as he was intresting looking And caring .. and he has been a decent Dad.but after a fee years i knew he was really just a bit too quiet for me . I shoved it down and thought about his good bits .

i find him not interesting . I feel terrible saying it .
we dont like the same tv prog , at night we have different rooms to watch tv and frankly i am glad .

i am glad when he is at work . I love love the house to myself .
i am not lonely. I love my own company . I also have lots of mates .
the thing is as i perceive him as slightly boring .. its like i just dont give him the chance ( as i predict that he wont want to do anything anyway and if i ask about him .. how he is etc , his day as i did earlier , its mostly a one word answer .. so am not motivated ro ask etc..).. which then compounds it … so the circle goes rojnd and round.
he says he knows he will never be the life and soul.. i know . I m not attempting to change him .. i am just wondering if this is enough.. a good , kind , quiet, predictable, man . I feel guilty because I prefer my own company in the house more and more these days .

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2023 09:55

We’ve been married for a long time. we’re happier and more content now than we’ve been since the first flush of romance. We’re downsizing and moving to a new, beautiful town and can’t wait to retire and explore our new place together.

It sounds that your relationship has run its course. How do you want to spend the next 20 years plus?

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 09:58

BitOutOfPractice yes i do feel like i dont like him much . I think its because i feel i dont know him . So it feels like a stranger in the house.
i do admire his qualities of reliability but i wd really appreciate some relatability also .

OP posts:
Darkskiesbrightstars · 08/08/2023 10:19

Hi OP
Never posted before but fully understand all you say. Was in exactly the same position with similar husband personality and same hobby - bike. Didn't communicate much in the same way you describe and didn't watch TV together , converse much. It's a burden and living a life by yourself in that situation is difficult even if you have your own hobbies as you want to share the "conversation". Married a long long time like you recently separated still good friends. We were and are different people and have different needs as you both seem to. I have become a strong believer that you do need to consider your own future after a life of career/children/giving. If you can still be friends maybe that will suit you both. Good luck. Happy for you to PM me.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:21

Darkskiesbrightstars thank you . Ut feels tiring ?

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 10:25

I don't think it's at all unreasonable, or selfish, or whatever, to expect some kidn of relationship out of a relationship. You're just living alongside each other. Actually, worse than that: you're finding yourself playing life by his rules, which is limiting your opportunities for fun.

The book I mentioned earlier, the writer talks about "developmental tasks" in life and how our relationships help us to achieve them. If there is a "developmental task" - a key step towards maturity - that we've somehow skipped, it can come back to haunt us. In my case (and perhaps yours?), it was being a teenager. I'd "grown up" too soon and never had any fun. After my divorce (late 30s), I did all the teenage stuff I probably should have got out of my system years ago. I got laid. Took drugs. Had wild adventures. All, thankfully, while sustaining my steady job and paying my mortgage. It was all a bit hectic, but I'm so glad I did it.

Life is very different now. It took me about 15 years to find my feet, but I'm now married to someone who brightens my life like sunshine and it always planning new and fun things for us to do together.

My ex-DH seems to live a rather dull existence. I used to worry about that, but decided that one of us might as well be happy. Besides, for someone like him, that's probably what happiness looks like.

This is probably the first opportunity you've had to assess your marriage with open eyes and time to think. I think it's really good that you're not just sweeping your doubts under the carpet. If you are lucky enough to live, as my parents did, into your 90s, what do you want your life to look like? Don't be frightened by PPs threatening you with loneliness and misery. We create our own happiness in life. It's not always easy, but it can certainly be done. Flowers

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:25

plus , i feel embarrassed in our village as when i am out i am often asked where he is .. as if ive just left him at home and not thought about him . I frequently ask him to pop to the local with me .
its mostly , not now , oh i dont want to drink today, am tired , another time .
plenty of time to research bikes, learn a new lauguage( he didnt tell me he was doing that- i opened a note book to leave a note for him .. pages n pages of learning.. never said) , watch films ….

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:26

Alcemeg thank you ! Have ordered the book!

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 08/08/2023 10:28

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:26

Alcemeg thank you ! Have ordered the book!

👍 I hope it will really help you

Your DH sounds almost completely absent from your life. You might not miss him as much as you fear you would.

As for ending up old and lonely, it sounds as though that's what you'd end up with if you stay with him.

lyralycra · 08/08/2023 10:29

I'm actually appalled at what the OP states.

You've been through all those years with your life partner and now you are saying horrible things about him?! Seems that you're having some sort of mid-life crisis, OP, and you need to do some inner work rather than projecting outside of yourself.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:32

Alcemeg happy for you.
by dp does not brighten my life at all . My energy dips when he comes home somehow.
i have no idea of what it wd be like to be with someone who is like sunshine. I did not know about that . I never hear him laugh unless its at me when i do somethjng funny ( as am scatty) or out of the house or at a tv prog with the laugh commimg from a different room x

OP posts:
BunnyBetChetwynnd · 08/08/2023 10:33

Could you both take the dog and his bike on camping trips in the UK together? If you both had a will to make this work you could. But I don't think you do have the will.

Having read the whole thread I think it would be better if you went your own ways. You don't seem to have anything in common (perhaps never did and this has been masked by life events and busy days until now). You don't holiday, relax, sleep together and nor do you share life's joys or spend your time together.

In a long marriage you either become each other's anchor or a burden that weighs you down and it seems like you both feel very much the latter. Release that burden and then you can both live out what will be a long, happy and free retirement making the most of your precious days.

I've been with DH 40 years this year. He snores like a steam train. I've become so used to it I barely notice it, but if I do I just think, 'Ahhh, he's there and he's alive - lovely'. That's the difference between the anchor or the burden.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:34

lyralycra what makes uou think i have not tried to do inner work ?
i have . And been to couple counselling
he agreed to make more effort and i agreed some other things
any suggestions re what i cd so i am really happy to listen i really am .

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:36

BunnyBetChetwynnd
interesting. I cant abide the snoring.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:37

Ps rhe dog is really really old now . She just wants to stay ar home . Shw travels poorly . Shw cant walk far , needs a pram .

OP posts:
fullbloom87 · 08/08/2023 10:37

I would rather have a good, kind , quiet predictable man then a party animal. Often the most sociable people are the most likely to stray, get bored and leave.
I think you're quite lucky especially as he doesn't try and stop you from doing what you want.

gannett · 08/08/2023 10:37

It doesn't actually sound like he's changed much since you first met him. Quiet, introverted, kind bloke who's deep into his passions. Music and learning languages sound very interesting (bikes less so for me). Maybe you're not compatible but it seems terribly unfair to have taken 50 years to realise this because some other bloke chatted you up in the pub.

lyralycra · 08/08/2023 10:38

I don't understand your comment about not hearing him laugh, OP. What else is he supposed to laugh at other than what you mention?

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:39

Alcemeg i dont fear i wd miss him . I already miss him . When he is in the house i mean !
he simply does not seem to share himself . Its like he is a lodger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:40

lyralycra life ! Laugh at small things , things that happen .

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 08/08/2023 10:41

I think reading your updates you have already checked out. If you have tried things to make you both happier together and they have not worked then perhaps it is time to separate. It is very difficult to leave an ok marriage in ones head i think but if you believe that time apart would enable you to thrive then this is the next step. I have changed hugely in the 25 years i have been with dh but he has supported and encouraged me through all of it. Maybe talk to him about trying time apart.

lyralycra · 08/08/2023 10:42

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:40

lyralycra life ! Laugh at small things , things that happen .

Right, so what are you talking about then?! He laughs at you, he laughs at the TV. He might well chuckle to himself if he has a funny thought when you're not there. How would you know?!
I think you're expecting way too much, OP. Do not compare him with some random you see down the pub. It's like comparing apples and oranges.

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:43

gannett its much more than being chatted up in the pub ! That was just an example.
its the feeling of actually being alive within a relationship and also with yourself .. connection , interest etc ..
for eg he has learnt a whole new language.. thats brill , but i only found out by accident.. wdnt you share that?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:45

Ive thought of time apart. I dont think he wd miss me . He does not miss anyone . He is like an island . He does not connect.

OP posts:
lyralycra · 08/08/2023 10:46

Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:45

Ive thought of time apart. I dont think he wd miss me . He does not miss anyone . He is like an island . He does not connect.

I think there would be an awful lot of women who would love to have him as a partner, OP, so if you really do feel like you need to find someone who's livelier than him, then free him so he can be appreciated!

Original poster
Tellithowitiss · 08/08/2023 10:47

Or at least thats how i feel .
i know he is kind , thoughtful( small things like a cuppa.. not nights away etc) but we feel absent from each other.

OP posts: