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Original poster

Anyone 'quietly quit' doing so much for DH/DC, or do I need a showdown to make it happen?

153 replies

BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 17:52

The situation at home has changed over the last year or so and I've realised I'm still doing way more 'wifework' than I should be. But don't know how to change things, as obviously everyone else is very happy for me to run around after them! And old habits... etc
So, for context:

  • one DS has moved out to his own place
  • one DS is at uni now (so has learnt to become independent)
  • DH has mostly retired (does max 1 day a week in his own business
Just this week I've looked around and thought why the f*ck am I
  • still changing all the beds and doing all the laundry (except perhaps one load of DH's sports gear) every week? (DS came home from uni and started putting his laundry in the communal bin again!)
  • Still ordering all the food/ planning meals and cooking at least half of dinners?
  • organising cleaners/ tradespeople/ waiting in for deliveries
  • sorting out social events/ replying to our friends
Meanwhile DH is swanning off on bike rides with mates and DS has reverted to teenagehood, holed up in his room (has done a little bit of work, but not much). Aargh! Did anyone simply declare one day 'I'm not doing this anymore - sort yourselves out' ?
OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 07/08/2023 17:57

Quietly quitting isn't my style and I'd be having it out with my family if they were acting like yours are.

Maybe draw up some kind of rota whereby every day someone different is responsible for x, y and z jobs. Do it in consultation with all of them.

AlisonDonut · 07/08/2023 17:59

I wouldn't have been doing all that shit in the first place. To be honest.

Lougle · 07/08/2023 18:01

If you haven't objected in the past, they may be unaware of how you feel. Can you start by having a conversation, then if that doesn't change things, quietly quit. Reserve the showdown for if you really need it.

category12 · 07/08/2023 18:02

Stop doing everyone's laundry. I fucking hate laundry.

Northernsoullover · 07/08/2023 18:02

I kind of have. I'm working three jobs to keep a roof over our heads and I have one 20 year who works part time and another who is about to go to local university.
I thought why the fuck am I working a 9 -5 plus then cooking? So I stopped mostly. I now do 3 days a week max cooking and that's it. Laundry is their responsibility and so is changing their beds. I spent the night at my partners last night so my youngest finally cracked and actually cooked his own food.

5128gap · 07/08/2023 18:04

If you say something all that will happen is they'll go on the defensive pointing out they take the bins out and went to the chemist for you last Thursday, or agree to do more and not, or (worst of all in my book) say 'just tell me what you want doing and I'll do it'.
To avoid the annoying waste of breath this would be, personally I'd just quietly stop.

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 18:13

5128gap · 07/08/2023 18:04

If you say something all that will happen is they'll go on the defensive pointing out they take the bins out and went to the chemist for you last Thursday, or agree to do more and not, or (worst of all in my book) say 'just tell me what you want doing and I'll do it'.
To avoid the annoying waste of breath this would be, personally I'd just quietly stop.

Well exactly this. The problem is that DH will say 'well, I've painted the garage windowsills...' and then we can argue whether this was necessary and of any benefit to me!

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 07/08/2023 18:15

I've quit quitted.

I've stopped doing as much around the house and feel better for it

It's quite freeing!

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 18:17

The problem with just 'stopping' doing stuff is that I live here too, and if there is no milk or loads of unwashed dishes it impacts my life too🙁

DH's standard reply is 'I do more that most men....'

We had a family birthday at the weekend and put up a string of balloon inflatables. DH 'took them down' (i.e. removed two drawing pins) then left them all in the middle of the kitchen floor. "I didn't know what to do with them"

OP posts:
DreamItDoIt · 07/08/2023 18:18

You don't say whether you work/volunteer/have regular hobbies outside the home?

Have you been working? Retired? Sahm? Some more context would be good but in any event you are doing too much for them.

category12 · 07/08/2023 18:19

It's not a discussion to have, just stop changing your adult son's bed for him.

Do your own washing (or do your own washing plus whatever makes it up to a full load). Stop doing your husband's sports gear. If they run out of clothes, they know where the machine is. If they complain, point out you're not staff.

If it's someone else's delivery arriving, it's up to them to stay in for it.

Sort out social things you want to do and otherwise don't bother.

ClementWeatherToday · 07/08/2023 18:20

DH's standard reply is 'I do more that most men....'

But does he do more than YOU?

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 18:25

DreamItDoIt · 07/08/2023 18:18

You don't say whether you work/volunteer/have regular hobbies outside the home?

Have you been working? Retired? Sahm? Some more context would be good but in any event you are doing too much for them.

Was working, but had to stop about 5 years ago due to caring for an elderly relative. Didn't go back. Worked in my husband's business a bit.
Yes, have hobbies 1-2 nights a week and do some volunteering. Also manage a rental property I inherited (but want to sell).
The DS at uni has some learning disabilities, so I've probably over-compensated for him over the years, but he really needs to start managing more of his own stuff now.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis2244 · 07/08/2023 18:27

Some things aware easier to quiet quit than others, so I’d start with the easy ones and see if it promotes either a conversation or a change in attitude.

Laundry - just do your own
Beds - just do your own
Waiting in for things- just do your own

Cooking I would start being less available and less willing eg “what’s for dinner? I don’t know I’ve been out all day” “what time is dinner? I don’t think it’s my turn - I cooked yesterday and I’ve been out at work today “

Id also consider being a bit less able “ dh - yes I didn’t know where to put those balloons. You - yes that’s tricky (ignoring balloons)”

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 18:27

ClementWeatherToday · 07/08/2023 18:20

DH's standard reply is 'I do more that most men....'

But does he do more than YOU?

It's very clear he doesn't see or acknowledge what I DO do, so he would probably say yes he does!

But in short, no, he doesn't. And a lot of the things he claims are 'chores' are things I think he chooses to do to avoid housework (e.g. excessive car washing)

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 07/08/2023 18:27

I’d pass laundry to the respective owners thereof and maybe most of the cooking/shopping to your husband if he works one day a week. Are they requesting weekly bedding changes or is that what you like doing? I’d stop that and just change your own sheets (with DH’s help) as often as you like. Texting friends and waiting in for parcels aren’t really work and he’s allowed to go on bike rides when he’s mostly retired. You’ve got a cleaner so it doesn’t sound like a particularly tough gig with adult kids.

Chewbecca · 07/08/2023 18:31

What about the cleaning, how is that split?

I also do 100% laundry and meal planning, plus almost 100% of cooking. But DH does 95% of the cleaning and gardening so I figure we are kind of balanced. DC (home from Uni) definitely does not do his share. Still contemplating how much I want to deal with it v keeping the peace for a few more weeks!

(DH and I both freshly retired).

Merapi · 07/08/2023 18:34

Casually go on strike and see how long it takes for them to notice. Carry on doing your own stuff, but blithely ignore everything else.

Reggiebo · 07/08/2023 18:35

If the rental is empty ..move in...think about you for a minute.

Restinggoddess · 07/08/2023 18:39

Get a bike - go out - make sure you get something to eat on your days out with mates etc
Leave them to it - not your problem, you are not their servant / mother

You will have to just put up with the untidy house etc but actually it’s no big deal
Nothing will change until you force the issue - best of luck
I look forward to an update when it has dawned on them that the maid has checked out

SeulementUneFois · 07/08/2023 18:43

Definitely stop doing the DC's bed and laundry.
Literally just wash your laundry, even if it would make more sense to put a larger load on etc etc.
If you go food shopping only buy the type of food that you like.

If you can move into the rental for a bit definitely do so.

WotNoUserName · 07/08/2023 18:45

I bought individual laundry baskets and they all do their own laundry.

Rota for cooking and washing up.

I do the shopping, but the older ones buy their own lunches so I only have to buy the planned dinners, and cereal, bread etc.

I'm a single parent with 5 boys, so they are not getting an easy ride and thinking women do these things for them.

Matchinglipsandfingertips · 07/08/2023 18:46

DH has always done the laundry and shopping. We share the cleaning. He cuts the lawn I do the plants. I did100% of the cooking.
DS lives elsewhere, DD is at university and comes home at weekends.
When the DS left I decided to buy Marks food and I only cook three days a week now. We have one takeaway. I actually went on strike. The DH now buys ready meals on offer and expensive fish and freezes them. They go in the ting.
Although we were 1960/70s kids we were both one of four. Our mothers worked. We had to too!

My DD OP has disabilities and SEN but can cook and is very tidy. Our son is the same. It's just routine for them.
Don't forget to strike though if they moan! Good luck

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 18:46

Chewbecca · 07/08/2023 18:31

What about the cleaning, how is that split?

I also do 100% laundry and meal planning, plus almost 100% of cooking. But DH does 95% of the cleaning and gardening so I figure we are kind of balanced. DC (home from Uni) definitely does not do his share. Still contemplating how much I want to deal with it v keeping the peace for a few more weeks!

(DH and I both freshly retired).

Cleaning was an on-going bugbear, so we have someone for a couple of hours each week who vacuums and cleans bathrooms.
I am the only one who tidies up ready for her to clean. DH/DS would leave the side full of dirty dishes and piles of crap everywhere.
DH is the sort of person that brings home mags and leaflets from wherever he goes but NEVER throws them away.

DS's suitcase of clothes from uni is still in the spare bedroom unopened and he came home 6 weeks ago...

DH has never

  • washed a duvet or pillow or taken to cleaners
  • cleaned the oven
  • cleaned the washing machine filter or drawer
  • cleaned out the fridge or freezer
  • organised/ decluttered/ arranged any family storage apart from his own wardrobe and his stuff in the garage

While he was working almost full time (albeit always from home) i just accepted this was mostly my 'lot' but now I'm just fed up of it all!

OP posts:
HotPringles · 07/08/2023 18:49

id quietly quit.
Why make a huge fuss out if it? If they ask why clothes aren’t clean/trade people not called, I’d just say ‘oh didn’t you do it?’.

i think some stuff is easy (HW, trade people), others harder (shopping). But it works very well.

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