Anyone 'quietly quit' doing so much for DH/DC, or do I need a showdown to make it happen?

[BarbNHeimer]

The situation at home has changed over the last year or so and I've realised I'm still doing way more 'wifework' than I should be. But don't know how to change things, as obviously everyone else is very happy for me to run around after them! And old habits... etc
So, for context:

• one DS has moved out to his own place
• one DS is at uni now (so has learnt to become independent)
• DH has mostly retired (does max 1 day a week in his own business

Just this week I've looked around and thought why the f*ck am I

• still changing all the beds and doing all the laundry (except perhaps one load of DH's sports gear) every week? (DS came home from uni and started putting his laundry in the communal bin again!)
• Still ordering all the food/ planning meals and cooking at least half of dinners?
• organising cleaners/ tradespeople/ waiting in for deliveries
• sorting out social events/ replying to our friends

Meanwhile DH is swanning off on bike rides with mates and DS has reverted to teenagehood, holed up in his room (has done a little bit of work, but not much). Aargh! Did anyone simply declare one day 'I'm not doing this anymore - sort yourselves out' ?

Blithely assume that son is putting washing in the basket while he builds up a load (to do himself). Blithely assume that he’s busy working and leave a set of clean bedding outside his door.

Go out more, relax in the garden with a book, etc etc. If anyone wants you to do them a favour by staying in for a delivery or tradesperson, they can use their words to ask you. Trade for something you want.

Personally I would keep doing the social life stuff because it’s fun.

My tactics (learnt from my mum):

"This is everything that needs doing, I'll take xyz, which things are you taking?"

"Your days for cooking are M, W, F... what are we having? I'm doing a bit shop so if you add your stuff to the list I'll pick it up"

Calling out "I feel like I'm doing more than my fair share" only ever ends in an argument, so I just accept my role as rota administrator and add it to the list of chores I pick up

Get a cleaning service in for the oven or pay your cleaner extra to do it.

Can you get a dishwasher?

Does it really matter if your DS doesn't empty his suitcase? If it's taking up space you need in the spare room, chuck it in his room.

Certainly quietly quit doing laundry. It's easy enough to just do your own. They will notice when they run out of clean clothes.

You could go very hardcore and just wash enough dishes for you and hide them somewhere.

Next time a job needs doing in the house just say "DH the kitchen tap needs fixing. As you're only working 1 day a week you can sort that." If nothings booked within a week ask him how it's going. If he asks why you haven't done it ask him to explain to you exactly why he thinks you should do it. Make him think.

"We had a family birthday at the weekend and put up a string of balloon inflatables. DH 'took them down' (i.e. removed two drawing pins) then left them all in the middle of the kitchen floor. "I didn't know what to do with them"

Argh! This is EXACTLY the sort of thing that makes me explode with rage. I feel your pain. I have v young DCs so it's a different situation but in your shoes I would quiet quit, but also buy your Dc their own washing basket. Or maybe "accidentally" tumble fryer something that will badly shrink.

For your DH I would just stop. I wasn't sure if you work FT but If he has the temerity to ask why eg his laundry hasn't been done just look wide eyed and say "I haven't had time at all this week, are you putting one on now? Can you throw in x y Z of mine? Thanks so much"

Definitely quietly quit. Actions speak louder than words.

Doesn't need to be done aggressively. Just gently bounced back.

Sometimes deliberately putting yourself in a situation where they have to figure it out helps. I do give notice but it will be something like 'I'm at a meeting on x night next week so you'll need to sort dinner' instead of pussyfooting around them.

Me! I have find both approaches and the quietly quitting is what worked

If you've spoken to them before and nothing changed, I'd quietly quit doing everything that doesn't impact you e.g. just do your own washing.

When they finally notice they gave no clean clothes to wear, your response is it's not my job, we all live here and need to contribute to the household equally.

Start small OP.

Q, Where's my x,y,z ?
A. Where you left it. I don't know. Under my armpit.

Q. What's for dinner?
A. I don't know. Whatever you'd like to cook.

Q. Where's my clean shirt/socks/vest etc?
A. I don't know. In the laundry basket. In the coal-hole.

I think you get the picture.🙂

I would move into the rental by myself, create a serene cosy home and let them get on with it!

I would say I do about 90% of the cleaning in our place, as I work less hours

DP's job is taking the bin out and the washing up and DS has to clean his room, well enough that I can hoover the floor and strip his bed on a Monday.

DP is off for two weeks, I have not done a single bit of cleaning and at first he seemed a bit puzzled, so I had to remind him that for the next two weeks I do the majority of the cleaning because I work less hours than he does and for 2 weeks he is doing sod all.

We are just hitting the second week and other than the fact he doesnt do it my way, the place is fairly clean and I have clean clothes.

"DH has never

• washed a duvet or pillow or taken to cleaners
• cleaned the oven
• cleaned the washing machine filter or drawer
• cleaned out the fridge or freezer
• organised/ decluttered/ arranged any family storage apart from his own wardrobe and his stuff in the garage"

To be fair this is pretty high level stuff - I am a single working parent and hardly ever do any of the things on this list (they just don't get done). I'd start with the basics with getting him to take responsibility for washing and cooking.

I would be calmly saying you want to split the housework differently now and get everyone to list what they do and how long it takes.

Then choose in turn, but if your husband is still working one day a week and you are not, that gets factored in.

Only after that would I stop doing things and I wouldn't be quiet about it either.

We tend to split it on the basis that neither of us does nothing while the other is doing something that benefits both or just the other one. That gets most stuff done. If one is home alone, they are not expected to do anything other than obviously needs doing. For example I might hang the washing out, but my husband is back home earlier so he brings it in.

I think it’s quite interesting to explore what happens in a couple when neither person is providing childcare, working or seeking work e.g. early retirement.

In the meantime, get onto any well-known retail site and buy four laundry hampers plus a wipeable notice board, on which you can display plans and jobs for the week.

I drew up a rota (for me, DH and 2 teens) it worked well for a few weeks, maybe a month and now we've slipped back into default mode. I need to address it as well.
The problem with stopping doing things is either they don't get done at all, or you have to live with or put up with a unreasonable amount of mess/chaos until its noticeable to others!

DH often uses our "joint" email on forms but actually never looks at that email account so then almost by stealth the admin is left to me or doesn't get done. I reminded him that his car insurance was due multiple times he then asked what his password was. (I have to say I despise having passwords for virtually every website I ever go on, but I can barely remember all my own I'm not taking responsibility for anyone else's!)

I'd ditch having a joint email.

Would a proper conversations not lead to a better understanding and resolution of this?

Agree with everyone else, I’d stop doing the laundry and just do your own. Don’t meal plan or even food shop; go for an evening walk or to your hobbies or just generally be unavailable and have easy kitchen suppers like a boiled egg and soldiers for yourself when you come home. Wait in for deliveries of your own, give the cleaner a key, stop organising tradespeople. Make yourself unavailable.

And don’t be the person who creates the rota/makes and manages the chores list/buys the whiteboard. Because then your role switches from the one who does it all to the one who knows/organises it all and they’ll still say what’s for dinner/where’s the cleaning stuff/should I make the bed? Let them figure it out while you go away for a fortnight somewhere.

(In my own life I didn’t quiet quit, I used the book Fair Play; but DP already did do a lot – he descales the washing machine and cleans the dishwasher filter, even! Stuff I truly cba to do – so he was on board with learning what invisible work is been doing. He now does all laundry, the food shop, bins and recycling, all DIY/maintenance, and a whole host of other things, including lots of mental load admin stuff. I don’t love his laundry system or his slow speed at putting it away but I’m so glad to never do laundry again!)

same.

Proper convo is a waste of time.

just dive in. Pick something and just go for it its fun once you get into the swing of it.

I am pretty good at a ponderous "hmmm good question....where IS <random item>?"
Him "There's no clean X" me: "oh isnt there?" <stares blankly into middle distance>

Him: "What shall we have for dinner?" Me:(beating him to it) "I dont mind. Whatever you want I'm not fussy." Him: "but i dont mind either. Whatever you want!" Me: "i dont care whatever YOU want i have to go do a random non urgent task. Can you start dinner?"
Him: but what should i coooook!?!?!
Me: <shuffles up stairs pretending not thr hear

I quietly quit .
it started when I went awayfor the day and when I got back dh had cooked a convenience meal , wereas for many years ive cooked virtually every meal from scrap . When i objected , saying id expected a meal like I normally make , he and the adult. Dc said at least its food , wht are you bothered.
I explained that we eat from scratch daily , we all love it , and I expected the same to be done when I wasnt there as i wd love the same standard cooked for me . Again , all of them said what does it matter?
So i said , well if ir doesn’t matter , then why have i been doing this for years… i am not doing it now .
no one believed me .
dh asked asked whats for tea .. i said .. as advised above .. oh have no idea.. the next night.. dh got really cross .. said i was petty..
but i think he got the message .. i said you said it didnt matter..
now i just dont cook sometimes .. if that is the case .. he wont really cook .. but makes a very healthy salad with bread . Its fine .
and liberating .

i did try to micro manage the food for recent visitors . I asked him to get nore than enough food .. He said he would .. i again reminded of how much we wd need .. oh chill , its ok,… he ended up going to the shops x2 as he didnt get enough at all .. again .. not ny choice .. i felt cross as it interupted activities , but managed not to go to the rescue!

DH is naturally very lazy, and always has an answer for everything so I would also get the "but I've sorted the garage" answer when asking if he was helping. So my action was to down tools very quietly so no one heard me.

I will do the washing but only what is put in the laundry basket. It then goes into 2 baskets - his and mine. I will iron/put away mine, his stays there until he runs out of pants/socks and then we have the "why is it all in here" routine. I still cook/do the food shop, but clearing up/dishwasher/bin gets left to him. And sometimes it sits there.... and sits there but I never crack. We have a cleaner once a week who takes care of the basics so there is always a general level of clean... and also means DH has to pick his shit up.

Lower your standards. And learn to turn a blind eye else you'll go insane. Once you can switch off, it's very liberating.

I was a bit more route A. DH had time to acclimatise when he retired, then I practiced looking blank & then eventually yelled about wanting to live with an adult. He's stepped up, mostly.

We're both quite lazy tho. He now complains about how much needs doing.

I’d blow my top personally!!

make it very clear that you’re not doing xyz etc.

@BarbNHeimer, if you’re on FB, join a group called ‘Bridging the Gap Community’. It gives practical ways of addressing the sex based inequalities in every area, but mainly around household duties, including the mental load.

There was some research done a few years ago that showed that men who believe they do half of all domestic duties, actually did around 10 minutes a week more than men who openly admitted they did nothing. It’s a huge problem and more of us should just quit, quietly or otherwise.