Anyone 'quietly quit' doing so much for DH/DC, or do I need a showdown to make it happen?

[BarbNHeimer]

The situation at home has changed over the last year or so and I've realised I'm still doing way more 'wifework' than I should be. But don't know how to change things, as obviously everyone else is very happy for me to run around after them! And old habits... etc
So, for context:

• one DS has moved out to his own place
• one DS is at uni now (so has learnt to become independent)
• DH has mostly retired (does max 1 day a week in his own business

Just this week I've looked around and thought why the f*ck am I

• still changing all the beds and doing all the laundry (except perhaps one load of DH's sports gear) every week? (DS came home from uni and started putting his laundry in the communal bin again!)
• Still ordering all the food/ planning meals and cooking at least half of dinners?
• organising cleaners/ tradespeople/ waiting in for deliveries
• sorting out social events/ replying to our friends

Meanwhile DH is swanning off on bike rides with mates and DS has reverted to teenagehood, holed up in his room (has done a little bit of work, but not much). Aargh! Did anyone simply declare one day 'I'm not doing this anymore - sort yourselves out' ?

I cannot fathom a scenario in which I wouldn't air my frustration. I would allow them to step up. If they didn't respond well/fairly, I would let them know that their free maid was quitting.
I would also consider leaving a man who was so lazy and who took me for granted in this way.

I pity women living with these babies, but I suppose women who allow husbands and sons to expect this contribute to a world inhabited by incompetent and lazy man-children.

Inspired by this thread, I refused to make a restaurant booking today. Currently on holiday and we decided yesterday that we were eating out tonight. We are on a tight budget this year, so only evening meal planned out. I have sourced/planned all other meals, though there has been "help" cooking saving pizzas in the oven.

DS researched and decided on the venue, and DH said we should call and book. Agree, but why mention it whilst as we were driving back from a day out?! I said I was not going to call and book, as otherwise it ruined the night off element. I felt a bit petty as DH then pulled over and called them (he wanted to do it then as if they didn't answer we could physically stop at the restaurant on the way home.) Am currently trying to stop feeling guilty for not calling, which is fucking stupid really.

Oh, and restaurant full. So we are going Thursday instead!

I agree this and I'd write down or at least name the house rota admin as a job - others can take on other tasks if you trust them like insurance researcher and buyer and holiday researcher and booker.

I would casually say over dinner 'I'm exhausted doing so much around the house every one I currently do dinner every night, I can only manage 2, DH and ds which nights can you make a healthy dinner for us? Get them to commit to at least one each and on the other night you can sort yourself only out, eat leftovers or be taken out on a date by DH. 'Ds you've got to do your own laundry - I usually change our sheets on Mondays so not on that day I need the washer then' 'that garden is going to die unless watered who can take that on and make sure they remember it' 'where can we all write a list or note - paper or WhatsApp house admin group' where we can keep track of things we notice in the house that need replacing or doing?' Your DS has lived in shared houses so probably has some good ideas for systems for these things but is likely to be assuming that you want to keep your role of being in charge of everything now. I hope your DS doing more will shame your DH into doing more - there are a lot of videos about the mental load what is it if you need to explain it to either of them

A good 'trick' is to say you can ask another man to do it. The hunk across the street or your own brother or dad work particularly well. Or the off duty fireman that your friend uses as a handyman sometimes, should you give him a call if it's difficult to organize it?
Magically they then jump up and do it. This has worked on at least three boyfriends!

At the weekend I write a list of things that need doing. And I ask everyone to put their name next to at least 2 tasks.....but I've learnt to bag food shopping otherwise DH conveniently spends the entire morning moseying around Morrisons while the rest of us do chores at home.
DD has learnt to get to the list early to choose what she considers preferable tasks. DS whinges about having worse chores, but doesn't make the effort to sign up quickly!

No showdown just stop being a mug and stop doing it. Then when they complain just say I don't know where dinner is. I thought you were sorting the shopping or doing whatever. Any showdown will be described as nagging so just stop and say nothing.

Quietly quitting doesn't always work. I mind yearsnm ago getting fed up of dp never doing housework, so I told him that, seeing as his friend was coming to stay, he could clean the bathroom for him (first time in about 8 months, I did it weekly). The day came and he agreesls to do it, but then disappeared to clean the duck house (not vital), then retreated to his shed to drink. Friend then appeared so I went and cleaned it as it was embarrassing. Then I left it. For 11 weeks it remained uncleaned, and I only caved in as my friend was coming and it was disgusting.

Interesting that those who get their DH/DP and DC to do chores in the house still have to organise it, which still takes a considerable mental load. I used to get frustrated that ex-h would expect to be told what needed doing rather than just seeing it himself and getting on with it.

There was a very interesting article in the Guardian a few years ago (I can't find the link) about how these men can hold down very responsible jobs, but need to be told what to do in the home. Basically it came down to the fact that they don't "see" what needs to be done out of choice. Nobody needs to tell them what needs to be done at work - they get on and do it, but in the home, someone needs to divvy up the chores. That's their choice not to take on that responsibility because they don't see it as important.

Finally, yes to the poster who said quietly doing nothing doesn't always work. Some people are happy to live in slovenly conditions, and their standards may not match our own.

I'd have been inclined to try and put a spoke in DP's wheel and contact the friend and say that you were both looking forward to his/her visit, DP so much that he was cleaning the house especially and taking over the cooking... your DP played you and continues to do so. 🌹

Text requests from work or r before you leave. "Hang that washing it for me love will you, see you later" and go. And slowly but surely make sure they step up until you're doing less than them. Worked for me since other half started wfh and I'm still out and about. And knackered.

I should have quietly quit , instead.......................
DH was recently retired, DC#1 home from University, not yet working.
I had been on a nightshift with my DH's gran ( Alzheimer's, DH's aunt who looked after her had been away and the paid carer was ill, I have care experience) then straight into work 8-5 as all the computer sysyems were being upgraded and I was for some reason the first point troubleshooter for my dept.

I had opened the door , but not yet stepped over the threshold when yhey both asked me what was for dinner ? I asked if they were fucking joking then got back in my car and took myself to KFC, ignoring the many phone calls and messages until the steam had stopped coming out of my ears.

@Readingineading

I had opened the door , but not yet stepped over the threshold when yhey both asked me what was for dinner ? I asked if they were fucking joking then got back in my car and took myself to KFC, ignoring the many phone calls and messages until the steam had stopped coming out of my ears.

Cheeky buggers. I hope there was some very straight talking from you when you returned from KFC. Especially to your husband whose family member you had been tending before an early start at your paying job.. 🌹

@Newestname002 indeed there was.
Lots of apologies later we sat and made a plan on what was fair on both of us, this was a while ago but there hadnt been a repeat since.

The mistake was to have cleaned it whilst he was using whatever distraction technique to get out of it.
Id have said to friend ‘sorry it’s a bit of a mess atm. DH is in charge’.

Are you the husband,?😁

My children already change their sheets and they’re 10&13! Absolutely leave the bloody sheets

The only way you can fix this is just stop. Let DH know you are going to be responsible for cleaning and tidying for the cleaners, and the deep cleaning. He is responsible for his own washing and the family cooking. I know you want him to step up but he never will because you bail him out. You will have to cook for yourself, you can’t make extra because that is essentially cooking for him or the kids. And try to make something when he isn’t around as cooking for only yourself might start an argument. Let the kids nag dad for dinner. Eventually he will get sick of eating takeaway.

When did they start? Can they manage to put a quilt cover on?

I agree with those who say move yourself into the rental, get some space, enjoy yourself. Let them sort their own shit out.

This year we have done the same and taken alternate fortnights off for childcare. It means no time off together but I am trying to leave things to my DH while he is off. Also means I have no clubs to organise or pick ups and drop offs 🙌🏽

I've noticed dishes have been done and the counters wiped. DH even suggested that we pop to the shops to get stuff for dinner that night and THE FOLLOWING NIGHT

I was gobsmacked and delighted

I am going to try to quietly quit in some areas

Yes they can.
I haven’t done more than reminding them I’m doing a wash for bedsheets so they need to get in with it if they want theirs to be done at the same time.

I usually strip the beds for my teens. And then leave them to put on new bedding. DS (13) has occassionally asked for help with duvet cover, and DD often asks for help because she leaves it til she's going to bed. I noticed she didn't ask (at 11.45pm) last night as she'd already asked lots of favours and used up all the printer ink

My kids 10 and 12 prepare their own laundry. They also make their own beds, breakfast and lunch. I do the dishes.
As for balloons why bother. The obsession with birthdays after childhood is simply bizarre.
I just think people create work with what they find important.
Then become disillusioned when the other doesn't gleefully join in.

I think I quiet quitted with my young adult teens. I'm a single parent but I got around my children's laziness by eating so healthily that it forced them to cook for themselves. There are 3 supermarkets on this road. They have money. All they eat is pasta or pizza but that's on them now. So now I'm done. I eat fish with mixed salads or saute courgette spirals. The food I like, they HATE. I even switched to almond milk so that it is not my responsibility to buy semi skimmed milk, ykwim. The first 100 cups of tea were awful, but ha ha, I'm laughing now.
I only wash my own clothes. I only hang out my own clothes. I still do WAY more cleaning but I have a few tricks. When cups, plates, bowls break, I don't rush to replace them anymore. The more crockery you have, the more crockery needs to be washed. Let it break. Let the number of plates you own dwindle. Hide some away.

We have 1 laundry basket and everyone puts stuff in it. I separate into light/dark washing and do the laundry. Occassionally DC or DH hang it out. If I ask either DH or DS to bring in they will but they don't check if its completely dry or re-hang indoors if its damp. So if I ask them to "bring the washing in" that's exactly what they do. Bring it in. Leave in basket about 2 steps from the back door regardless if it's dry! 🙄