Anyone 'quietly quit' doing so much for DH/DC, or do I need a showdown to make it happen?

[BarbNHeimer]

The situation at home has changed over the last year or so and I've realised I'm still doing way more 'wifework' than I should be. But don't know how to change things, as obviously everyone else is very happy for me to run around after them! And old habits... etc
So, for context:

• one DS has moved out to his own place
• one DS is at uni now (so has learnt to become independent)
• DH has mostly retired (does max 1 day a week in his own business

Just this week I've looked around and thought why the f*ck am I

• still changing all the beds and doing all the laundry (except perhaps one load of DH's sports gear) every week? (DS came home from uni and started putting his laundry in the communal bin again!)
• Still ordering all the food/ planning meals and cooking at least half of dinners?
• organising cleaners/ tradespeople/ waiting in for deliveries
• sorting out social events/ replying to our friends

Meanwhile DH is swanning off on bike rides with mates and DS has reverted to teenagehood, holed up in his room (has done a little bit of work, but not much). Aargh! Did anyone simply declare one day 'I'm not doing this anymore - sort yourselves out' ?

This OP.

Match their selfishness, and do something just for yourself.

I can imagine it would be hard at first, as it goes against your personality as well as women's general conditioning, but push through.

Maybe start small: when your DH makes his quick pasta for all, nod and say nothing, preoccupy yourself with something and excuse yourself, so you don't have it at the same time as him / them. Then come back when they've eaten and make yourself a really nice salad (even if not that healthy, use whatever is to tasty). Do not give in to making any for anyone else.

I've had a lovely three weeks off my usual household load.
Had an adult chat with DP about taking different weeks of annual leave in order to cover watching the children during the summer and I've completely left everything that is usually left to me-to him. No washing, no household tasks, no cooking - I've abandoned it all.
i usually do it all on top of working full-time and I'm refusing to do so from now on. Despite this blissful respite I've been granted I'm not taking everything back on when he's back at work. These last three weeks have proved he knows what needs doing and is fully capable of running a household as an I.

What possible reasons could there be for them not to cook, clean, tidy, contribute? I’d love to hear them.

@BarbNHeimer my DH has done all the things you mention, he's not superhuman he's just a bloke. He's not great at decluttering but he will go through the DCs books/toys fairly readily and their clothes albeit with as much huffing and puffing as DS bringing down his wash basket.

This is a perfect example of the issue I have too OP. If I want us all to eat healthily (DC are young) it's 100% on me. If DH is "cooking" it's beige convenience shite every single time. It's just another fucking job for me that no one else gives a shiny shit about.

I've tried discussions multiple times over the years but quiet quitting works far better. We (I) have worked ourselves to a point where we pay a cleaner but DH does a lot more laundry, including all the bedding. I have resigned myself to being the main cook because nutrition is important to me so I just suck it up but I do seethe at his incompetence and unwillingness to learn or care.

So you don’t work, you take it in turns to cook, and you have a cleaner ?

My kids have been doing their own laundry and changing their own beds since they were 11. We should not be doing for people things they can easily do themselves (and particularly in the case of the kids they need to learn these valuable life skills so that, if nothing else, their spouses aren’t on here in 20 years complaining that they a lazy arses).

So don’t quietly quit. Tell them what you will and won’t do from now on. Our rules are:

Everyone does their own laundry
Everyone changes their own bed (DP and I do ours together)
The cook doesn’t do the dishes. Everyone puts their own dishes/cutlery/glass/cup in the dishwasher.
Everyone gets their own breakfast and lunch
If people want their own special food/snacks they tell me or they come to the supermarket with me.
If you don’t come up with some ideas about want for dinner you get pasta in pasta sauce and a salad. Every single time. (To be fair, they love that so we eat it quite a lot).

DP Phil’s his weight and is good at seeing what needs done, so it’s all reasonably smooth.

If you don't like the meals DH prepares then I suggest you say either "oh no not pasta and sauce /convenience food again" when he says that. See what he does ! If not then just say "no thanks I'll make myself something" and then do just that. 1 portion only and eat it yourself !

Your h and sons sound like closeted misogynists. You are their maid/servant.

LOL

Love it.

😂😂

DH's standard reply is 'I do more that most men....'

Tell him, no, he doesn't do more than most men who are mostly retired.

As a starting point, tell both your husband and son that they are doing all their own washing from now on, and they must have a rota for the washing up between them.

Read French Braid by Ann Tyler.

Then do what the protagonist did.

I fear you are right, and I am kicking myself for letting it get to this point!
DH was very much a spoilt eldest son (two younger sisters) and I suspect I have done too much for DS2 because of his minor learning difficulties - he took so long to learn some stuff that sometimes it was just easier and quicker to do it myself.
Interestingly DS1 is not the same - he was very helpful & quick to spot what needed doing and step up (also cooked nice healthy meals!).
I think DS1 moving out has brought into sharp relief just how much I feel taken for granted by DS2/DH?
But DS2 will be going back to uni next month, so perhaps that’s the point I say to DH I’m not your chef & skivvy any more?

I have a really similar household set up to the OP. My DU retired about 18 months ago and I realised I wanted to share the household chores otherwise I would feel resentment. I immediately stopped doing any of his laundry, I delegated hoovering upstairs to him and I do downstairs. Dinners took a little longer to sort out and I do about four a week.
I stopped washing his towels and noticed he didn’t wash them for ages and suggested he pop them in with his next load and he did but he hasn’t since so that’s up to him.
We have always split admin so that part is ok.
I rarely do any weekend meals and this one happened in stages. For example after a lunch out I’ll announce I won’t be eating that evening and gradually it became more ‘normal’ for everyone to sort themselves out.
My adult DC have the Tesco online shop log in so if I start a shop they’ll add stuff they want and they always put in a few ready meals/easy meals in each week which helps.
When I’ve noticed my DH is becoming lazy again I’ll deliberately do things like make sure it’s not my turn to do dinner when he’s playing a very long or late game of golf so he has to do his own dinner or everyone’s dinner (depending on what day it is) when he gets back. I normally find doing this once or twice means he’ll instigate a conversation along the lines of what nights are we each doing dinner so basically we’ve moved away from the expectation that I do everything.
OP it was a gradual process rather than a big chat.

@WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer thanks! Interesting to hear your similarities.

Yes, DH also tries to wriggle out of his slot at cooking:

• will order a takeaway when it’s his turn and then pretend he’s confused when I say he can take the next night instead
• says he ‘can’t cook’ because he’s going out, but doesn’t swap with anyone else

these might sound petty, and of course it shouldn’t be absolutely rigid, but I spotted he was managing all this to his own advantage when he hadn’t cooked a single meal in 3 weeks, including a weekend when we had his family staying!

You have to be firm OP, if he wriggles out of his turn then don’t cook for him. If he’s abusing the system then you need to completely stop cooking for him. He may or may not see sense. Stock up on easy stuff your DC can do themselves or create a dinner rota involving just you and the DC. Your not responsible for making sure your DH doesn’t starve to death.
Why did you do all the meals when his family stayed?

@WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer did you tell him you were no longer going to be doing certain stuff E.g. wash his towels? What was his response?

Also you mentioned he’ll order a takeaway on his night, if he does then I don’t think he doesn’t needs to do the next night, keep it simple and idiot proof.
Another point is I didn’t even know washing out the washing powder dispenser was a thing so try not to sweat the small stuff.
If you’re serious about making changes then you have to accept the house will be a bit messier and dinners a bit worse while you implement the new regime.

So your solution is for OP to cook for herself on DH's nights then for everybody from scratch on her own nights? Yeah great solution.

OP sadly it sounds like batch-cooking just for yourself and labeling it as such really is the only solution if the other members of the family won't step up.

@WhereHasTheSunGoneThisSummer did you tell him you were no longer going to be doing certain stuff E.g. wash his towels? What was his response?

I told him I wasn’t doing any washing now he’s retired as he has a ridiculous amount of sports clothes to wash and I would feel resentful doing it. We had three months of please do it, I miss how you do it, you make it smell so good, I can’t do it etc. Then gradually it changed to this is so easy, I’m so good at it and now it’s completely normal for me to wash his own stuff.

I mean him wash his own stuff.

Another thing I did which is more drastic was book a five day solo holiday, this really helped and he could see what was involved running a house.
A year and half after retirement my DH will often be seen mopping the kitchen floor or unloading the dishwasher late and night so I don’t have to do it in the morning. This is the same guy who a year ago simple couldn’t get a duvet into the cover.

I was suggesting that she could do this every night ! Just cook her own food. I think if she batch cooks it will get eaten per the fruit in the tupperware.

Stop enabling him he sounds selfish and your kid will copy. If he orders a take away, say you can cook tomorrow. If he doesn't ignore it. Cook a small meal for yourself. 🤷

@Fizbosshoes get a password vault. Something like Bitwarden. It saves all your passwords and you can also have some shared with another person.

I was like you, pissed off at everything falling to me as I had the passwords.

DH works in IT and very, very security aware paranoid and he is happy with Bitwarden's security.