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Original poster

Anyone 'quietly quit' doing so much for DH/DC, or do I need a showdown to make it happen?

153 replies

BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 17:52

The situation at home has changed over the last year or so and I've realised I'm still doing way more 'wifework' than I should be. But don't know how to change things, as obviously everyone else is very happy for me to run around after them! And old habits... etc
So, for context:

  • one DS has moved out to his own place
  • one DS is at uni now (so has learnt to become independent)
  • DH has mostly retired (does max 1 day a week in his own business
Just this week I've looked around and thought why the f*ck am I
  • still changing all the beds and doing all the laundry (except perhaps one load of DH's sports gear) every week? (DS came home from uni and started putting his laundry in the communal bin again!)
  • Still ordering all the food/ planning meals and cooking at least half of dinners?
  • organising cleaners/ tradespeople/ waiting in for deliveries
  • sorting out social events/ replying to our friends
Meanwhile DH is swanning off on bike rides with mates and DS has reverted to teenagehood, holed up in his room (has done a little bit of work, but not much). Aargh! Did anyone simply declare one day 'I'm not doing this anymore - sort yourselves out' ?
OP posts:
Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 21:14

Granddayout · 07/08/2023 20:27

I quietly quit .
it started when I went awayfor the day and when I got back dh had cooked a convenience meal , wereas for many years ive cooked virtually every meal from scrap . When i objected , saying id expected a meal like I normally make , he and the adult. Dc said at least its food , wht are you bothered.
I explained that we eat from scratch daily , we all love it , and I expected the same to be done when I wasnt there as i wd love the same standard cooked for me . Again , all of them said what does it matter?
So i said , well if ir doesn’t matter , then why have i been doing this for years… i am not doing it now .
no one believed me .
dh asked asked whats for tea .. i said .. as advised above .. oh have no idea.. the next night.. dh got really cross .. said i was petty..
but i think he got the message .. i said you said it didnt matter..
now i just dont cook sometimes .. if that is the case .. he wont really cook .. but makes a very healthy salad with bread . Its fine .
and liberating .

i did try to micro manage the food for recent visitors . I asked him to get nore than enough food .. He said he would .. i again reminded of how much we wd need .. oh chill , its ok,… he ended up going to the shops x2 as he didnt get enough at all .. again .. not ny choice .. i felt cross as it interupted activities , but managed not to go to the rescue!

Aargh! I totally feel for you on this one!

In theory DH & I cook alternate nights - typical family meals usually from scratch, unless a takeaway etc. Whereas at lunchtime I will think about what I'll cook later and e.g. defrost any meat, and also plan my afternoon activities to have a meal ready for say 7pm, DH will do whatever he's doing then come in at 6.45pm and say "oh it'll have to be something quick like tuna pasta, as I've been busy" (even if 'busy' actually means faffing about in the garage with his bike for 3 hours). It really gives me the rage!

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 07/08/2023 21:18

Personally I just leave it until either it gets done or I pester the kids to do it, like their rooms and their sheets I just bang on and on and sometimes block the xbox or Internet until it is done. No funking way am I doing it all I'd rather sit in shit.

Boomboom22 · 07/08/2023 21:19

I will sometimes go and lie in bed until the kitchen is better.

Boomboom22 · 07/08/2023 21:21

It does mean eating late a lot too! But I'm not your pa and I'm not reminding all the time.
Like when I moaned about lunches so paid for school dinners, he said oh it is no problem, I'll make them. Yes for about 2 days and never ever buy lunch stuff etc. So I just started paying again, I just refuse.

category12 · 07/08/2023 21:30

I think it's unrealistic and unfair to expect him to do things the way you do.

If it's his night to cook, he can bung on a bit of pasta or whatever. If it's your night to cook, you can put loads of effort in, do everything from scratch if you want, but recognise that's a choice and if you don't like it, don't do it. You can just bung on pasta as well. Or get a takeaway. Or do beans on toast. You don't have to be a martyr to it.

If someone is doing the chore, they get to do it the way they want to. If you want control over it or are going to resent the way it's done, then you do need to do it yourself.

If your son can't be arsed to empty his suitcase, it's not harming you in any way, so what. Saves him packing when he eventually moves out 😂.

If it's you that wants the beds changed every week, but your son doesn't care, let him sleep in his filth until he does care - it's no skin off your nose.

While it's not right that you're taken for granted, or that you do more than your share at home, you've also got to be prepared to accept different ways of doing it or different standards if the division of labour does change.

nolamesallowed · 07/08/2023 21:48

AlisonDonut · 07/08/2023 17:59

I wouldn't have been doing all that shit in the first place. To be honest.

How relevant and helpful. Thank you.

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 21:48

category12 · 07/08/2023 21:30

I think it's unrealistic and unfair to expect him to do things the way you do.

If it's his night to cook, he can bung on a bit of pasta or whatever. If it's your night to cook, you can put loads of effort in, do everything from scratch if you want, but recognise that's a choice and if you don't like it, don't do it. You can just bung on pasta as well. Or get a takeaway. Or do beans on toast. You don't have to be a martyr to it.

If someone is doing the chore, they get to do it the way they want to. If you want control over it or are going to resent the way it's done, then you do need to do it yourself.

If your son can't be arsed to empty his suitcase, it's not harming you in any way, so what. Saves him packing when he eventually moves out 😂.

If it's you that wants the beds changed every week, but your son doesn't care, let him sleep in his filth until he does care - it's no skin off your nose.

While it's not right that you're taken for granted, or that you do more than your share at home, you've also got to be prepared to accept different ways of doing it or different standards if the division of labour does change.

I agree up to a point, but I don't want to eat carb-heavy pasta and jar sauce every time he cooks. He claims he wants to eat healthily (and adds healthy foods to the shopping list) but then doesn't bother to cook them. If I make soup, or extra portions of a healthy meal, everyone else is quick to wolf them down for lunch the next day, but there is no reciprocal effort.

I suppose I could start labelling all the food I've cooked for me only, but then it seems I'm reverting to student life!

I buy fresh fruit - melon, strawberries, pineapple etc and it will lie in the fridge, untouched. If I peel/chop/prepare it up and put it in a tupperware I will find none left the next day? I'm just sick of the laziness and entitlement and lack of thought for others.

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 07/08/2023 21:49

We have 2 DS in their twenties. We have a cleaner every week who does all cleaning and bed changes. They keep their rooms pretty nice so can't complain there. We all take 1 night a week to cook for everyone - I don't care what they cook (cook chooses) as long as it is for everyone. I don't mind laundry so I am fine doing it - usually do 1 load a day in my break as I wfh. Shopping -.we all input our order onto the family tesco account and get it once a.week and sometimes order a meal box like hello fresh or gusto. Just quietly stop and quietly get them involved "can you cook tomorrow please", stop doing all the laundry.

category12 · 07/08/2023 21:58

Again, you can't make him cook the way you want him to. You don't fancy what he's making - just have something else yourself.

Just prepare the fruit as you go for how much you want to eat at the time, stop babying everyone.

ClementWeatherToday · 07/08/2023 22:02

I buy fresh fruit - melon, strawberries, pineapple etc and it will lie in the fridge, untouched. If I peel/chop/prepare it up and put it in a tupperware I will find none left the next day? I'm just sick of the laziness and entitlement and lack of thought for others.

I feel like this example is a tiny microcosm version of the overall issue - it's that they're happy to reap the benefits of your efforts but they don't expect to ever do anything that is going to benefit you, only themselves. I'll bet if you raised this sort of example with them they'd say you were being petty but it's like death by a thousand cuts of selfishness.

Efficaciou5 · 07/08/2023 22:02

Well, the fact that you've resorted to to slagging your "D" husband off on a public forum whilst also having a few digs at your "D" children would suggest that your resentment of them all is much more profound than their lack of co-operation with the household chores, for which there will undoubtedly be a number of reasons that you perhaps haven't considered.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 07/08/2023 22:05

If someone is doing the chore, they get to do it the way they want to. If you want control over it or are going to resent the way it's done, then you do need to do it yourself.

Oh, I disagree! I think you can expect, in a shared household, to agree a minimum standard. Yes, anything above that is up to OP and she doesn’t have to martyr herself, but otherwise someone can half heartedly do the washing up in a greasy bowl of dirty water, not really scrub anything properly, and pile it all up to stay wet and go mouldy where it’s not been washed properly. But they’ve done the chore, right? No, you’d expect at a minimum that everything gets cleaned, dried, and put away. If OP chooses to then polish the silverware or line up the mugs in rainbow order, that’s on her.

category12 · 07/08/2023 22:08

spitefulandbadgrammar · 07/08/2023 22:05

If someone is doing the chore, they get to do it the way they want to. If you want control over it or are going to resent the way it's done, then you do need to do it yourself.

Oh, I disagree! I think you can expect, in a shared household, to agree a minimum standard. Yes, anything above that is up to OP and she doesn’t have to martyr herself, but otherwise someone can half heartedly do the washing up in a greasy bowl of dirty water, not really scrub anything properly, and pile it all up to stay wet and go mouldy where it’s not been washed properly. But they’ve done the chore, right? No, you’d expect at a minimum that everything gets cleaned, dried, and put away. If OP chooses to then polish the silverware or line up the mugs in rainbow order, that’s on her.

Fair enough, I wouldn't consider a chore done that badly as done either.

But I was more thinking in terms of OP's cooking from scratch, organising her entire afternoon around the meal she's putting on the table at 7 vs perfectly adequate if uninspiring meal of pasta.

Original poster
BarbNHeimer · 07/08/2023 22:12

category12 · 07/08/2023 21:58

Again, you can't make him cook the way you want him to. You don't fancy what he's making - just have something else yourself.

Just prepare the fruit as you go for how much you want to eat at the time, stop babying everyone.

No, I want him to plan/ leave enough time to cook what he ordered/bought, rather than leave it for me to do it e.g. he said let's get some cod & haddock and I'll make a fish pie or kedgeree, then is 'too busy' and opens a tin of tuna for tuna pasta bake (again) and the fresh fish goes in the freezer and I will have to plan/remember to defrost it for a meal in the future!

It's the message it sends, isn't it? I don't care about you enough to bother cooking a decent meal for you a couple of times a week...

OP posts:
inloveonholiday · 07/08/2023 22:34

I'm with you. I thought exactly that five hours ago when I strived to cook dinner for everyone.

My husband stayed in his office as he was finishing something. Finally emerged 45 minutes after I served up.

My youngest son had gone out and not told me.

My daughter announced she'd eat later.

I ate tea alone with the rest going cold. Then reloaded the dishwasher and put everyone else's dirty stuff in.

Feeling that I've had enough. Seems to be muggins all the time these days. I've decided I'm going to please myself a bit more this summer.

declutteringmymind · 07/08/2023 22:35

I've found with my DH, being positive and encouraging (through gritted teeth) will help.

'You'll soon get the hang of it.' 'Maybe next time it will be better' and when the children complain'

I do rescue him but only sometimes, when he is genuinely tired or out of his depth.

Expect the change to be slow though. Aim for progress. A year ago I can count on 1 hand the meals my DH had made. Since he cut back with work, he cooks one day a week and is doing half of the kids activities. He's nowhere near on par but I've just landed an exciting role which means I will be away a few times a year and he will just have to deal with it while I go to the hotel spa.

inloveonholiday · 07/08/2023 22:46

Boomboom22 · 07/08/2023 21:19

I will sometimes go and lie in bed until the kitchen is better.

I love this. I will do this now Grin

repetitionismyname · 07/08/2023 23:10

A meal of pasta and sauce every time isn't good enough though is it?

If they both want to eat a vaguely healthy balanced diet then it's all on the OP.

What happens if you do pasta and sauce every time you cook OP? Then you're not downing tools but matching the 'acceptable standard'?

FineMom · 07/08/2023 23:19

Efficaciou5 · 07/08/2023 22:02

Well, the fact that you've resorted to to slagging your "D" husband off on a public forum whilst also having a few digs at your "D" children would suggest that your resentment of them all is much more profound than their lack of co-operation with the household chores, for which there will undoubtedly be a number of reasons that you perhaps haven't considered.

And it might be interesting and helpful for you to reflect on why you’ve come on to this forum to try to shame a woman who is using it to get advice about a common frustration for many women. Solidarity sister…

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2023 23:23

When I was "done" I made a very clear announcement. I told my family MY SHIFT IS OVER. You are all grown adults with arms and legs intact. That big silver thing in the kitchen is a cooker. There are various other machines that do things too. Knock yourselves out.

And then I stopped.

I refused to get involved with the inevitable domestic disasters ( shrunken, dyed washing, smoke pouring out of the kitchen) and spent a lot of time in my bedroom drinking tea, eating biscuits, and binge watching shite on Netflix.

Everybody got the message eventually and I didn't feel bad about it for one second.

AmberGer · 07/08/2023 23:26

I have started doing less gradually.

It started when dc's were around 8 & 14, I was fed up making their lunches every day and decided they could make their own.

A few years ago we started ordering meal kits, (hellofresh, gousto etc.) I then got fed up of choosing all the meals myself and decided it would be better to choose a meal each Instead.
Then I was the one responsible when it got delivered, checking off all ingredients and reporting if any were missing.
Now it gets delivered when I'm at work 😉.

Dh started taking over when I was cooking/prepping meals, so I just let him cook now 😆.

Dh sorts out when insurance etc. Need renewing.

I sort out mortgage renewals, utility bills, birthdays, Christmas etc.

Dh sorts out dc's hobbies and activities.

I organise holidays and day trips deciding where to go and what to do.

I mostly do all the cleaning.

Dh does mostly all the gardening.

Dc's help tidy and look after their pets.

They clean their own rooms.

I wash and dry laundry, we put our own away.

Most things are equally shared.
I'm happy with the way things are.

AmandaHoldensLips · 07/08/2023 23:26

(I also used to knock myself up a fabulous steak with a bit of sauce and all the trimmings then clear everything up. DH highly confused about smelling something delicious then finding nothing to eat.)

coxesorangepippin · 07/08/2023 23:30

Re. The ballons.

The kids' leftover Easter eggs ( yes, really, they weren't eaten) had been on the mantelpiece since April. DH said repeatedly 'we need to move those eggs'. 'We' meaning me.

I didn't move them. They were finally moved in July.

That's what I'm talkin about

MissTrip82 · 07/08/2023 23:44

I don’t think I’m in step with other posters because this seems like not very much to do in a house where one person is still working, albeit very part time.

I wouldn’t be doing the kids laundry, they can manage that now. They should also take a turn cooking as should your husband.

Does the food shop and changing the beds take more than a working day? If one of us worked very part time and the other not at all I think we’d both expect some housework to be done by the one not working at all.

If you feel it’s unfair then that’s how you feel and you need to speak up.

feelingfree17 · 07/08/2023 23:53

Quietly withdraw. Begin expecting, so they get the idea that it is their responsibility too.

If they are out, ring and ask them to pick up bits from supermarket (nice long list). If you religiously cook a Sunday roast, stop that now. When the whole place is too much to bear, enlist everyone on a 10 minute tidy. Make it clear that you will no longer be doing the washing, or if you have put a wash on, ask that when it’s finished, could they hang it out/get it in. Someone other than you can empty the bin/take the recycling out.

You get my drift. You are programmed to do everything, and you have to change that mindset (yours and theirs) It is very freeing when they gradually get it.