Anyone 'quietly quit' doing so much for DH/DC, or do I need a showdown to make it happen?

[BarbNHeimer]

The situation at home has changed over the last year or so and I've realised I'm still doing way more 'wifework' than I should be. But don't know how to change things, as obviously everyone else is very happy for me to run around after them! And old habits... etc
So, for context:

• one DS has moved out to his own place
• one DS is at uni now (so has learnt to become independent)
• DH has mostly retired (does max 1 day a week in his own business

Just this week I've looked around and thought why the f*ck am I

• still changing all the beds and doing all the laundry (except perhaps one load of DH's sports gear) every week? (DS came home from uni and started putting his laundry in the communal bin again!)
• Still ordering all the food/ planning meals and cooking at least half of dinners?
• organising cleaners/ tradespeople/ waiting in for deliveries
• sorting out social events/ replying to our friends

Meanwhile DH is swanning off on bike rides with mates and DS has reverted to teenagehood, holed up in his room (has done a little bit of work, but not much). Aargh! Did anyone simply declare one day 'I'm not doing this anymore - sort yourselves out' ?

Yup - you got it! This already happened. I sometimes cook double e.g. chilli, stew, bolognese for the freezer and then realised DH was simply defrosting these when it was his turn to cook.

God OP the more you post about your DH the less attractive he sounds. And DS2 has obv got the ‘mum’s a skivvy’ message.

Yes to quiet quit. But it’s sad you have to. I would stop doing their laundry, have healthy food in just for you when your DH cooks crap, have the cleaner in more often.

maybe don’t sell the rental - it’ll be there when you need it.

I feel for you, OP. I slowly stopped doing things for ex-h and DC, but the house simply ended up looking like a bomb-site.

To be fair the DC did clean up the kitchen after dinner every evening, but they never changed their beds, put their clothes away, got clothes out of the washing machine without being asked (which meant I either had to do it, or I couldn't put a wash in for myself), they didn't get clothes out of the tumble-drier without being told to (which meant again, it couldn't be used until they'd been asked to empty it). When clothes were taken out of the tumble-drier they'd dump them in the ironing basket and leave them there, then just use the ironing basket as an extension of their drawers.

I would also do all the food shopping, organise (and pay for) every holiday, do all the financial management (bills, mortgage, bank accounts etc).

It was infuriating and exhausting. Neither ex-h more DC could understand why I'd get do frustrated by it all.

I noticed this was happening to me with the kids (I'd already got rid of ex who also did all of this, not that that was the biggest reason I ended it).

I also have one child with special needs, so I give him more leeway, and the other takes advantage of that.

So now, I just say 'I need your bedding downstairs tomorrow for washing' - and I'll wash it, and supervise the re-application (to be fair, I struggle doing it too, so its' fair I help) - not that I use duvet covers any more - it's easier to whack the whole thing in the washing machine than use covers for the kids.

Foodwise, I've started using one of those ingredient/meal delivery places, and each child has to cook once a week (using the kit, or their own choice). Dishwasher I empty, but I'm trying to train them to put their stuff in.

We're working on looking behind you before you leave a room, to check you've left it as you've found it...

But to answer you OP - YANBU. Take shortcuts (like the meal-kits). Just leave their washing if you want to. Defer their admin to them. Forward it on, and forget about it (unless it really will affect you). Take some time for yourself and see how it goes.

It seems you spent your whole life caring for others - elderly relative, husband, sons including one with extra needs.

They all spent all that time with you firmly in the domestic appliance category in their minds.

I'm going to ask a provocative question - Did that care include teaching them all to fend for themselves? Or was that your role, your achievement, your status? Your equivalent of bringing home the money?

Then your husband retired. You didn't. You'll be keeping on working til you drop.

But unlike him, if you stop working, your own life gets grubby, messy, inconvenient, smelly, unfed, because what you do makes all the nice stuff happen 'magically.'

Your resentment will only build and build. Passive agressive quiet quitting will not work. They won't know what's happening because they haven't been re educated. They'll be mystified. Standards seem to be dropping. They'll think mum's getting a bit ... You know ...

Read up on assertiveness techniques.

Time for a family conference.

As I do often say, write it all out, refine and polish your statement til it's right.

Practice it.

Use authoritative language, tone, body language etc.

Tell them. What's happened, how you feel, how the changes in everyone's lives haven't been reflected in your own workload. What needs to change.

Set boundaries and expectations. What you will and will not accept.

Assertive, confident communication is what's needed right now. You've run a family = a business for several decades. You've got skills.

It sounds as though your husband has quiet quit already himself - ie he is putting in as little effort as he can get away with. In those circumstances, I don't see much value in having a showdown - that just gives you the extra 'work' of having to force the discussion, while he pretends he doesn't know what you're talking about.

So yes, I would be inclined to match his effort levels and reduce yours. And then if he doesn't like the subsequent arrangements and wants them to change the onus is on him to start that conversation and put forward solutions. Housework isn't the only type of work. Working out disagreements and agreeing compromises also takes effort. Personally I would quiet quit both until he is prepared to engage.

Good luck @BarbNHeimer
They are very lucky to have you in their lives

The other thing is to buy the DH cookery course as a present. Send him off to learn. Be warned though these men all think they are Heston when they come back! You can go on a cultural break if that suits or put your feet up for a week. I posted up thread about my family all chipping in. I still do more food prep but I now buy expensive food that takes twenty minutes to cook. Salmon, new pots, peas etc. Any idiot can cook that.
Your boys can do pasta, fish steaks etc I'm sure. Otherwise they can chuck in a pizza. We have a family cookbook too with all the favorites written down. I have two freezers, two larders and two fridges. Sometimes I go out for lunch and don't come back until late. They won't starve. But then I don't do laundry or routine shopping. I'll shop for parties but not washing powder.
Call a family meeting, put your foot down. Pretend you have a headache, I do that a lot 😁

You see that’s telling me he hasn’t JUST quietly quit doing hw etc…

Nope. He KNOWS he is doing fuck all and he is doing it on purpose. Either going for the easy/lazy option OR actually giving that work back to you Wo a backward glance. I mean using tte stuff you have cooked ahead and then saying he had done his turn at cooking??

No wonder you are finding that infuriating.

That also means you’ll have to get tough if anything is going to change.
With DH , I’ve learnt I can’t give an inch. And yes that means no flexibility re swapping because other wise it’s read as ‘back to normal schedule where I dint do anything’. And yes it takes months if not years fir things to be really ingrained. They’ve had a life time ignoring all of that afterall.

I think this is true. He CAN cook/ be organised/ clean etc but just won't if there's any chance he can wiggle out of it.
"With DH , I’ve learnt I can’t give an inch" - yes, same, but this is totally exhausting and no way to live, is it? Being constantly on the look out to check you're not being taken advantage of (again...)

For the OP who asked - no, this raising of misogynistic DH and DC hasn't been my life's work! For a long time I was an equal (and at times higher paid) breadwinner to DH, but then usual stuff like childcare (incl SN child) and elder care knocked me back. When I was working and earning less I felt obliged to pick up an extra share of house and home tasks (although in reality my total mental load was much, much greater) but now our time commitments and £ contribution are basically the same I don't want to be responsible for everyone anymore.

The children are grown. Just tell everyone you are doing less from now. There's no need for a showdown. Then just do less. Definitely change only your bed

Echoing the above. First world problems @BarbNHeimer! Your DH and you are retired & contract in help for household chores. If you are still doing all the washing /putting clothes bedding away for your grown up DC then you have made a rod for your own back unnecessarily for years. If you are now unhappy with the allocation of roles you need to communicate this in a household meeting (with the added benefit of teaching your children how to effectively and fairly distribute roles in a partnership/ family home.) We are doing a weekly rota during the summer hols & my DC take responsibility for cooking meals. We agree meal rota in advance so correct food is bought and not wasted (less chance of your DH producing a quick/default meal in this case)They already strip and make their own beds and my kids are only primary and secondary age. They are expected to load /unload the dishwasher/distribute washing.

Whether you actually like living with your DH anymore is probably for another thread…

Me too. I've taught my 12 year old to do her own bed.

I may have mentioned this article to my DH too.

Dishes left...

I am going to go on a solo holiday at some point too.

I dont do the quiet quit. I leave messages like x and y do 1 chore today. To begin with this would resolve in questions for what and them trying to get out of it bit I stood firm. Then I moved up to do 1 chore each day. Then we had "the talk" dh indignantly claimed "I share the cooking " I asked " when did you last cook?" He replied "I made the spag bol".."that was 6 days ago" he had the decency to blush. However the distribution of labour became fairer.

I have to do this again. Every year they return from uni though. (Not had to do it again w dh)

OP I hate to say this but why did you do more than the rest of the family in the first place? I brought up my boys to do their own laundry including bedding from 14. I just allocated them a time slot for using the washer and dryer. Both sons used to do the dishwasher, one loaded it up after dinner and the other would unload while he waited for the kettle to boil early in the morning. Each son cooked 1 day in one week then twice the next week. DH cooked twice and I cook twice. One son hoovers the stairs, landing and his room, the other sitting room and his room. DH opens an online shop and we are all expected to add ingredients for our meals plus other bits we want. just decide what you think is fair and stick it on the fridge. What would they do if you were going away with friends for a week?

I have quietly quit putting in so much effort too.

DSS now aged 16, no more bringing him meals and snacks on a tray to wherever he is, washing and putting his clothes away, doing everything for him. Always felt bad because his own mum is crazy but realised he started sorting out his own food and leaving greasy pans everywhere so he has to pull his socks up and return some of the care I showed towards him for 5 years!

DH always has breakfast made, coffees bought to him, lunch and dinners made. Clothes washed and ironed- he worked and I did all house work.

now I have a baby I’ve made it clear I need looking after sometimes. Both have to step up with housework and cooking. No care towards me
= few things done for them

I've done a mixture of quiet quitting and being blunt and directive.

Becoming self employed many years ago meant I was more 'in the house' and accidentally assumed more responsibility than I wanted to - too easy to put the washing machine on while I was waiting for a phone call etc and tbh in some ways it was beneficial to all of us as there was more time to chat and relax in the evenings without chores to be done. However, when I realised that it was making everyone else lazy and I was becoming resentful things changed.

We had a cleaner and the evening before they came we had a compulsory 30 minute tidy up, where everyone had to clear their bedroom floor of clothes etc. I also hate laundry, so I just stopped doing it. Now dh does it all (dc have left home).

I choose to look after the things that are important to me - nice food and a tidy kitchen are my priorities. If dh leaves his 'junk' in my kitchen I just pile it all in his office - out of my sight. However, if he has made toast for himself - without using a plate - and has left crumbs and a smear of jam on the counter, I will call him back to the kitchen and make him clear it up.

I was also explicit during lockdown when dh was wfh. Day one and lunchtime came, dh was starting in the kitchen looking hopefull and expectant. Nope! During working hours he was responsible for getting his own breakfast, drinks, lunch etc. That has worked well, and now that he has retired there is zero expectation that I will cater for him during the day - except when I have some left-overs that I want him to eat up!

And we still have a 30 minute run around before the cleaners come.

That frankly is the point where you should have exploded. Much much worse than just wriggling out with ready-made pasta sauce.
Did you point out to him that that makes it your night rather than his night? And demand he take on the next two in exchange?

When I was working and earning less I felt obliged to pick up an extra share of house and home tasks (although in reality my total mental load was much, much greater) but now our time commitments and £ contribution are basically the same I don't want to be responsible for everyone anymore.

I think this is very common especially in terms of "mental load" (debated on another thread whether it even exists/is a problem.. .🙄)

Once a partner (very usually the woman) is at home more and it makes sense for them to do majority of chores, that pattern seems to stick regardless whether the situation changes. A woman might move on to take on more responsibilities or hours at work.....but the division of labour/thinking/planning/organising and chores at home is not then reorganised to accommodate this. Similarly if a man drops his hours at work, there is usually the expectation he will have more time for golf/cycling hobbies rather than making things more equitable in the home.

Oh my, this sounds depressingly familiar 😡
I’ve completely given up on expecting my husband to do anything cooking or food shopping-wise - his idea of cooking a meal was a pork pie and oven chips or frozen cottage pie and a tin of peas or pasta and a tin of tomatoes 🙄
I cook for both of us if I feed like it otherwise he can sort himself out, there’s plenty of food in the house.
He does his own laundry, I flatly refuse to.

DH's standard reply is 'I do more that most men....'
Simply untrue. My retired dad barely sits down when we visit: he makes the tea to bring back to bed for my stepmother, then comes back down to make coffee and breakfast then clears that up, emptied the dishwasher and reloads it, takes out the food waste bin then the recycling then the bin bin, comes back in and makes a shopping list and checks recipe books for whatever he’ll bake that afternoon, then off to the shop for a top-up shop and any town chores like the cobblers (he lives in the 1930s) and while there he might pick up some flowers at the market or nice bread for lunch, comes home and puts lunch together for everyone, etc etc. He’s always mowing the lawn or making a bed or whipping something up for a visiting grandchild or whatever. I don’t think he’d know what tuna pasta is; he’s a Nigel Slater and Elizabeth David person.

It sounds like you’ve done something right raising DS1, there’s still hope for DS2 (lots of young adults are still idiotic and lazy at uni, many students have disgustingly low standards and need the boot up the bum of work and real life to get them to stop living off pasta and Dolmio and never stocking up on loo roll – the number of men you meet in your 20s who are content to sleep on a raw pillow, no case, is astonishing), but your DH is a real piece of work. Frankly do you want to quiet quit, or quit him altogether? I’d struggle to like or respect or want to spend any time with a husband who’d deliberately dodge the cooking the way yours does. He has zero respect for you.

It seems a lot of men no longer see their wives as people. The woman is mainly there to serve as main house bot.

Quietly quit op.

Stop doing their washing only do your own. When it’s your turn to cook open the tuna and stick some pasta in, or better still arrange to go out. Do not touch the abandoned suitcase in the spare room. In short, do exactly what they do. If they have the audacity to complain they have no leg to stand on.

The food one is interesting. I found that I ended up eating more like DH as it was easier than lots of different meals. The DC however eat more like me so now more is cooked to suit us. I would start cooking for yourself by saying 'I'm just having a salad to tonight'. If he cooks pasta say 'I don't want that, you have it then you'll have left overs for tomorrow' etc. Gradually cut back on the cooking or when it's your night cook him tuna pasta and say 'I know how much you love it'.

I would also say don't be at home so much. I know it seems ridiculous that you have to leave your own home but I think this resets the dynamic. If he goes cycling, go out when he's due back.

Other things that can be dropped, if done, are birthday and Christmas cards and gifts - everyone does their own. When visitors arrive the person whose relation it is does it all - organising, buying, bed making and cooking.