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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband won’t tell me secrets due to confidentiality

325 replies

SophieD1987 · 03/08/2023 19:35

Hi everyone,

How open are you with each other as a couple?

Hubby is the trustee for a tiny charity and the head of the charity had apparently had a terrible day yesterday due to an issue that ‘involved some people in the charity’ being unkind/creating an issue.

We both know all the members of this organisation.

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

However, he wouldn’t tell me anything about what the situation was.

I find this odd as my parents would tell each other absolutely everything and wouldn’t keep any secrets between them.

Am I wrong to feel hurt by this from my husband?

OP posts:
Echio · 03/08/2023 21:23

@HeadNorth brave to post that here with all this pile on!

What on earth does everyone talk about at home if not what they've been up to all day at work?

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:23

Echio · 03/08/2023 21:17

I think the issue here is that the DH shouldn't be involving the OP in the first place. Why on earth do a gift from both of them if OP is excluded from the situation? DH has messed this one up, not OP.

OP is just curious. It's not unusual for confidential situations to be discussed at home, and my interests would be piqued in her shoes! It sounds like this is one that shouldn't be talked about, so the DH was the one in the wrong for raising it and involving OP with the gift.

I hope the OP gets past the first three pages and doesn't get disheartened now that the more sensible posters have arrived....

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 21:23

Hope the head of OP's DH's charity isn't a Mumsnetter. From the description given in the opening post the lack of discretion shown by both OP and her DH could be grounds for disciplinary action and potentially removal of him as trustee.

Guess trusts have rules on confidentiality for a reason.

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 21:23

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:05

Big things like a job loss, diagnosis or death of a loved one.
Not just 'people being mean'. LOL. That would mean flowers every other day especially if you're an executive. it's literally your job to deal with BS

Show quote history

My friend who is manager is hard, so if someone was mean enough for her to be upset I'd know it really cut and get her something to cheer her up, LOL.

It's her job to deal with BS, but some people are real fuckers or they may have caught her at a time when it's just the straw... Doesn't require death etc...

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 21:25

littlebopeepp234 · 03/08/2023 21:22

You do realise that a breach of confidentiality is a sackable offence don’t you!! It’s none of your business!! How would you like it if someone went and blurred out your personal information to whoever they chose to!!!!

! Glad you don’t work in the NHS with access to patient medical records!!!

Show quote history

May we have a few more !!!s, I’m not sure what you’re trying to say.

GuinnessBird · 03/08/2023 21:28

Your husband is correct.

Let me guess, you see nothing wrong with going through his phone?

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:28

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 21:23

My friend who is manager is hard, so if someone was mean enough for her to be upset I'd know it really cut and get her something to cheer her up, LOL.

It's her job to deal with BS, but some people are real fuckers or they may have caught her at a time when it's just the straw... Doesn't require death etc...

Show quote history

I mean, you do you, but I wouldn't go around buying gifts. Listening, going out for a drink and a chat, yeah. Gift? Nope.
You do you, for your specific 'hard manager' friend, but it's not something that people generally do.
Especially not for a professional position, which is the reason for everyone's fury at the OP anyway.

Echio · 03/08/2023 21:28

Boodahh · 03/08/2023 21:02

DH and I tell each other most things. I know stuff about his longterm workmates, for example, but I'd never pass it on.

That said I would absolutely keep a friends confidence, and not tell dh about it.

I think your husband shouldn't have told you that there was an issue at all - because in telling you that something happened you're bound to want to know details.

This!! It's quite normal to share confidential things but context, connections, relationships, etc are all at play as to whether or not it's okay.

saraclara · 03/08/2023 21:31

Echio · 03/08/2023 21:23

@HeadNorth brave to post that here with all this pile on!

What on earth does everyone talk about at home if not what they've been up to all day at work?

They can talk about the non-confidential work bits. Mercifully my DH and I didn't have to rely on work for conversation. Is that really the only subject that you can find to talk about?

LonginesPrime · 03/08/2023 21:31

It's normal not to tell family confidential work stuff, OP.

Just because it's a "tiny charity" it doesn't mean confidential information should be kept any less confidential - it sounds like you're implying that because it's a small charity and/or because this is possibly a voluntary position that the rules around confidentiality should be relaxed.

AuntMarch · 03/08/2023 21:31

Bit odd that he wants to buy a gift, especially from you as a couple to them as a couple, because of a work situation.

But that aside, he absolutely shouldn't tell you anything confidential about work especially when you know everybody involved.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/08/2023 21:34

So DH told you something had happened and that someone was upset despite you having a personal connection with those people and then involved you in it further to buy a present for them?

If this is an issue covered by confidentiality or even simple privacy then he has already breached it. He shouldn't have been discussing it with you in the first place.

Echio · 03/08/2023 21:34

saraclara · 03/08/2023 21:31

They can talk about the non-confidential work bits. Mercifully my DH and I didn't have to rely on work for conversation. Is that really the only subject that you can find to talk about?

Show quote history

Your earnest nature prevents you from detecting the flippancy of my post. Bless you :)

MolkosTeenageAngst · 03/08/2023 21:36

Would you want professionals who know confidential information about you to tell their spouses, especially if you knew them personally? Would you expect a doctor, therapist, nurse, social worker etc to share confidential work issues with their wives and husbands? If the information is confidential that means it isn’t shared outside of the work setting, not that it’s shared with people’s spouses and close friends/ family etc.

ThereIbledit · 03/08/2023 21:36

My husband said we should get her and her husband a gift to help her feel better as she seemed very down.

The only thing weird about what your husband said/didn't say is that he wants to send the gift from both of you. He is the only one of you who knows about the day she's had, he should send the gift from himself.

WisherWood · 03/08/2023 21:39

It's not unusual for confidential situations to be discussed at home,

I have to deal with confidential material day in, day out. I never discuss it. I don't mention anything unless it's in the public domain. It really isn't normal to discuss confidential stuff at home, or at least it shouldn't be.

Put it this way, say you told your boss something in strict confidence because it was affecting you at work and so they needed to know about it. Would you be comfortable if their family were told all this information about you? Would you be willing to share if you thought that was the case?

I think some people on this thread have a very, very odd view of what 'confidential' means.

AnnaKorine · 03/08/2023 21:40

They can talk about the non-confidential work bits. Mercifully my DH and I didn't have to rely on work for conversation. Is that really the only subject that you can find to talk about?

This. And surely the difference between some work politics and ‘really confidential thing someone confided in me about their own lives/ confidential info’ are obvious. I sometimes talk about confidential stuff that happens at work to vent but remove any of the things that would make it remotely identifying. You can have suitable vague conversations that don’t involve telling your DH your best friend shagged some guy at work and had an abortion.

Dweetfidilove · 03/08/2023 21:46

TwoPots13Pans · 03/08/2023 21:28

I mean, you do you, but I wouldn't go around buying gifts. Listening, going out for a drink and a chat, yeah. Gift? Nope.
You do you, for your specific 'hard manager' friend, but it's not something that people generally do.
Especially not for a professional position, which is the reason for everyone's fury at the OP anyway.

Show quote history

Been doing me for as long as I can remember and successfully s. ..

You say you've arrived with sensible advice, so I guess you do you too, just differently.

In a tiny charity where the OP and husband know everyone, it's likely more than just a cold professional relationship.

In any case, I maintain that the OP doesn't have to be told the 'secret' anymore than she needs to assist in the gift buying, and she'll choose whether or not to become suspicious for not being told.

Zimunya · 03/08/2023 21:49

I agree that it is confidential and the poster’s DH shouldn’t discuss it with her. But, the DH is wrong to say “we” should get her a gift. So, to summarise, “Something happened at work, I can’t tell you anything about it, but X is sad, and you (OP) should get her a gift.”
He shouldn’t have said anything about it, and should have organised his own gift. He only told OP because he wanted her to organise the gift.

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 21:49

littlebopeepp234 · 03/08/2023 21:22

You do realise that a breach of confidentiality is a sackable offence don’t you!! It’s none of your business!! How would you like it if someone went and blurred out your personal information to whoever they chose to!!!!

! Glad you don’t work in the NHS with access to patient medical records!!!

Show quote history

Why did he mention anything at all.

Because the woman has to do the work to buy the present for someone who had an off day.

If he was that full of integrity he'd have kept quiet and did it himself. Not be 'oh I know something you don't know now do this for me because I can't be bothered'.

anon1888 · 03/08/2023 21:50

Zimunya · 03/08/2023 21:49

I agree that it is confidential and the poster’s DH shouldn’t discuss it with her. But, the DH is wrong to say “we” should get her a gift. So, to summarise, “Something happened at work, I can’t tell you anything about it, but X is sad, and you (OP) should get her a gift.”
He shouldn’t have said anything about it, and should have organised his own gift. He only told OP because he wanted her to organise the gift.

Yep.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 03/08/2023 21:51

If he expects OP to buy a gift then he is a twat. But that's for delegating "wife work" ,not because of confidentiality.

laveritable · 03/08/2023 21:52

YABU
MYOB
Your DH is a man of honour!

tachetastic · 03/08/2023 21:59

In the spirit of MN I think it is only fair to point out that he is clearly having an affair with the woman, possibly and her husband, and you should leave him immediately, without any further conversation and take him for every penny he has or is likely ever to have.

What???

Nanny0gg · 03/08/2023 21:59

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 03/08/2023 20:05

I think perhaps he shouldn't have said anything at all. If he wanted to get them a gift then do it off his own bat instead of bringing the OP into it?

^^This.

The gift should be nothing to do with the OP as she knows nothing.

Why did he even mention anything?