Engagements and my horrid jealousy.

[haze46]

Here is my massive tale of woo...

I am 41 my partner is 43, we have been together for 7 years and have a two year old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship. We were friends before we became a couple and have mutual friends.

Last April we attended a lot a weddings and it started playing on me that he hadn't asked, I mentioned this to him quite a bit he knows exactly how I was feeling and said he didn't want a long engagement and we needed a house first. Also that the constantly mentioning it wasn't nice and seemed desperate. I left it, and for a year no mention of it but living it hope, nothing!

Recently my sister in law just got engaged to her partner of 3 years and I really love both of them but I could not hide my jealousy. I really wanted to be happy for them and had to have a word with myself. I didn't want to discuss her engagement with my partner but I did send them a lovely personalised card and champagne. To be honest I was shocked at just how bitter I felt about it, which is a horrible realisation.

It just made me feel like I'm not enough, what is wrong with me, I've never been asked before and I'm the only female I know my age that hasn't been asked. I have all the reasonability of a wife with none of the recognition. I'm still attractive, try my best to be a good Mum and partner, keep a nice home, work a full time job.

Just as I've managed to pull myself together and push all this back down by Sister has just called me this morning so say that her and her partner have got engaged whilst on holiday. I'm delighted for her, she deserves all the happiness in the world but again I'm tinged with jealousy and self-pity. I had to come home an shed a wee tear and gather myself. I'm sitting her writing this and my partner comes home from work quickly and I told him they'd got engaged, he said "Have they actually and are you crying?" I replied yes they had and could hardly look at him. He the said " Well you know, good things come to those to wait" and it my bitterness my retort was " Clearly not". He just walked out.

I know I'm sounding like a horrible bitter and selfish person and I'm partly disgusted with myself but the other half full of self pity and resentment. I'm 41, I've invested 7 years in my relationship, given him a child, used the majority of my money to buy the house. When is my time, when's it our turn? Why does this make me feel so bad.

I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't ask in the next year or two I don't want to, like it's too late, the moment is gone which is so spiteful.

I want to be busting with excitement for my Sister and Sister in Law, I'm not a young girl I should be able to better than this but I feel a bit lost and sadly jealous.

Sorry, but this is ridiculous!

Tell him you want to get married with a timeframe, or ask him to marry you. If he says no, you know where you stand.

As you say, you have all the responsibility without any of the benefits of being a wife. Why would he want to change that?

Your feelings are understandable but it was daft to say "clearly not" when he was heavily hinting that he was going to propose. You don't want to twist his arm into it. How about setting yourself a private deadline of, say, 6 months when you'll review the situation. And perhaps have a discussion where you tell him that you understand he wants to propose in his own time, and that's understandable because then it will be more meaningful and spontaneous and you'll enjoy it. However, you don't agree with waiting until you've got a house, and how you feel about this does matter. If you can discuss it without blaming or it getting heated, do you think that would be possible?

Hopefully your child has your surname and not his as you weren't married? If so, that might be useful to discuss?

Thinking of you.

Why is it ridiculous to want to be asked, I want to feel wanted, I want to feel like he wants to also.

As I said I don't wish to marry someone who does not want to marry me in return.

As I said I don't wish to marry someone who does not want to marry me in return.

But this is what might happen if you force him to propose.

What if he was completely honest and said that he didn’t want marriage ever? Would you leave?

Instead of all of this hinting and hiding your heartbreak just take control. Ask him if he will marry you.

He‘s not that in to you. I bet my bottom
dollar that if you left him he’d be married to
someone else in a couple of years.

Harsh I know, you’ve invested in someone with no commitment, but he is keeping you just as an option. It’s difficult to know what to do with that.

OP I totally understand why you're hurt about this, I'd actually feel so used but to be honest I'd never have had a child with a man I wasn't married to.
If it's make or break for you, it will cause nothing but resentment so you need to be crystal clear with him.

You say you put the majority of the money into the house; is that ring fenced should you ever split up?

Also, are you the higher earner?

It may be in your best interest NOT to marry (particularly if he's on the fence about it, which could be seen as having one foot out of the door).

Just be aware that if you do marry, half the house becomes his, as does half your pension etc.

It may be worth saying to him that you've looked at the finances and decided that you're better off not marrying him, especially as he doesn't seem bothered about it; it gives you options then.

However, if you've thrown all of your money into the house and not legally recognised that as yours, &/or given up your career to raise your DC, you really need to get the legalities sorted (even without marriage) so you're not shafted if he does walk away.

My now sis in law was in the same position as you. Though she did actually say to me "if your dp proposes to you before your brother proposes to me I won't be happy"

Few month later my proposal came. We'd been together just short of 2 years (but we are also older!)

Few months later then my brother did propose (6 years after they got together)

Could it be a financial thing? Does he have access to his own money?

Oh god, I feel you completely. DP and I together 9 years now, he has two children, the youngest was not quite 2 when we got together. So I've been a big part of their lives. We have a home together, two pets, lost a baby last year. Yada yada. Around the 5 year mark he took me to Italy for our "anniversary", everyone was getting excited that he was going to propose and I got caught up in it, I'd already waited 5 years patiently, never been engaged before etc. It didnt happen and I had a proper drunken meltdown while we were there, I actually cant even think about that trip because Im so humiliated at myself. So from 5 years onwards, lets say hes been pretty clear how I feel about it. We split briefly in 2020, but it was short lived, neither moved out, we've worked past those issues. So here we are, 2023, its continued to be mentioned, I had another mini (SOBER) breakdown in January, told him how I felt, that he kept stringing me along by telling me that my bringing it up ruins his opportunity to do it (9 years of opportunity and me bringing it up once every 6 months in the last 2 years is ruining it!). I also said the same as you, hes ruined it now, I felt I've had to beg, it'll never be special now, I'll never get the romantic ask.

Anyway, he finally did it three weeks ago. It was special enough, he took me to my favourite place, had gone to London to design the ring etc. I wasnt actually expecting it at that moment, any more than I have for the last 4 years, knew hed give in one day sort of thing. So it was nice. But still a bit... soiled?

Im so sorry you feel this way and all I can tell you is that I 100% understand. I can also tell you that when he finally does, its not going to take away what you are feeling right now.

I absolutely do not buy that he was hunting he was going to propose - no, he wasn't. You've been together 7 years and you have a child together.

Your only option is to have an open conversation and say that the point of it being a romantic surprise came and went and at this point you want to know where you're standing at - because yes, you are still young enough and attractuve enough to find someone who will love you and will want to he married instead of leading you on

It's perfectly reasonable to feel upset as you do. I think though it's time to focus on a marriage rather than an engagement. Dh and I were in our 20s when we got married, but still, we talked about wanting to be married, decided that's what we were going to do, picked a date, found a venue and booked it. He did propose because I also wanted to be engaged and I wanted an engagement ring (which I love and I have always worn), but the marriage plans came first. Sit down and make those plans. If he chooses to propose, then great, but the end result will be the same.

Thank you for your heartfelt and honest response. Think I just needed to vent. X

You are right and I know that wasn't the correct response. I was just hurt in that moment. 😞

Firstly your response was bloody fine. And it was true, I really don’t get this pussy foot around men and don’t admit your feelings, maybe he will propose, clearly a different response isn’t going to make that happen.

and I don’t get your response above. He’s only gping to marry you if he wants to. So sit down and have the talk. Does he ever want it or not . Saying another couple of years is just delaying it. Then decide if it’s a deal breaker for you or not.I suspect it isn’t. But only you know that

If he wanted to marry you, you'd be married already. It's been 7 years and you have a child. It's not a matter of him not being sure, he is sure that he's not getting married. You need to decide if you can live with that. Personally, after all of this back and forth, I wouldn't want to marry him. Fuck that. He had his chance.

I think this is his stance that it should be about a marriage and not an engagement. He has said he doesn't want a long engagement and that he doesn't have the money to do what he wants to do it right now. But there is no aim/goals set to make this happen.

I'm sorry, he is being hurtful and it's not ridiculous to feel jealous. It's similar to people having babies when you're trying.

Time to be practical though. If he does not want to marry, prepare for the worst- he isn't into you or convinced about the relationship. Prepare to be financially independent. Is your house deposit ring-fenced? Do you have savings and secure income. Work etc.

And you can address why with him. Is it a never? Can you come up with a timeframe?
Unfortunately, a romantic surprise opportunity has been and gone. So tell him it doesn't need to be holiday perfect, just an agreement!

He hasn't said ever that he didn't want too and nor would I wish to break up our family. He is a good Father and is supportive to me and commitment in ever other way. I think these issues are mine alone but I'm struggling to shake them.

Been there with the flurry of engagements and total strangers asking me when it's our turn. It's hurtful, it feels like he doesn't want to bother. And I didn't want a forced engagement or to tell him to propose. If he wanted it he wanted it, and if he didn't I wasn't going to force his hand.

I thought long and hard if I wanted to be with him and never get married - and if so what do I need to protect DS and I financially should we break up or if he died suddenly. Or do I leave and find someone who would give me Marriage and if so, would I be as happy as I was with DS's dad?

In the end I chose the first option. I stopped thinking about marriage. I had seen too many women focus on the ring and wedding and not give a thought to the man and the marriage, and wind up miserable a few years down the line whereas I knew I found the love of my life and I wanted to be with him and have kids with him, ring or not.

What I found was that I took the pressure off me. All that self doubt and wondering all fucked off. I stopped caring how others define my relationship. I did ensure that financially I'd never be at a disadvantage being unmarried, so I stayed working full time after DS, everything was jointly owned and so on. I still got the nosey digs from people but replied with what I hoped was a serene "no rush, we are happy as we are"

We got engaged in a very low key way at home a few years later when DS was little and when I totally wasn't expecting it. I was in ripped PJs! After that the ball was in my court as to when where and how, he didn't care what kind of wedding we had. But by then it was more me thinking "a wedding day would be nice" rather than "this validates us" if you know what I mean? In the end, it was 5 years later before I got around to booking a wedding, then covid hit so in the end we were engaged for 9 years before getting married. It was a perfect small wedding that suited us to a tee.

And... nothing has changed with a ring on my finger. The relationship is what it always was except a bit more jewellery. Legally it's changed, but I was financially independent before marriage anyway. I didn't even bother changing my name.

Try my questions see if they bring clarity to you the way it did with me?
Am I happy enough with him to stay and never be married if that's his preference?
Or is being a wife to someone that may not be him, more important to me?

Has he said no when you have proposed? If so then cut your losses if a wedding is important to you.

Hi OP, this sounds really shitty and I'm sorry, of course you deserve to feel wanted and appreciated for all you've given your DP.

When you were pregnant did you guys discuss it then?

I think in your shoes I would go to him right now, say what you've said here, say that you want to get married and you don't care about saving up or a long engagement but you want to feel he's chosen you for life.

Ask him right now to set a date with you so that you can make some lovely plans together and start your life as a married couple.

I'd do this because he knows how you feel, it's just that you are waiting for him to take charge and it's driving you apart - if you do this it's using your feelings to bring you together, right?

Wish you all the best

He hasn't said ever that he didn't want too

Sorry, but actions speak louder than words. He said he doesn't want a long engagement. Why wouldn't have to be long? He said he wanted to wait until you got a house. You have one. Now he says he doesn't have the money "to do what he wants." Money for what? You can go to the registry office for next to nothing.

It's just all excuses. He's stringing you along.

Agree. I would not want someone i had to beg, guilt and cajole.

And i don't understand why women who really want marriage don't insist on it before kids, property purchases, cohabitation etc.

Just sit down and have a conversation about it ffs. “Partner, I want to get married and I want it in X time. Let’s start arranging it”. If you still want the proposal he can do that but surely most people discuss their wants around big life decisions like this jointly? Even people I know who’ve been proposed to haven’t just sat waiting for it to happen out of the blue, they’ve discussed it and either just planned the wedding or decided a proposal will happen as a “surprise” in the coming weeks/months but knowing they’re in agreement that they want to marry. I can’t believe in this day and age women are still passively waiting to be asked like they have no agency.

But he doesn't want to marry you.

So does that mean you don't want to marry him?