Engagements and my horrid jealousy.

[haze46]

Here is my massive tale of woo...

I am 41 my partner is 43, we have been together for 7 years and have a two year old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship. We were friends before we became a couple and have mutual friends.

Last April we attended a lot a weddings and it started playing on me that he hadn't asked, I mentioned this to him quite a bit he knows exactly how I was feeling and said he didn't want a long engagement and we needed a house first. Also that the constantly mentioning it wasn't nice and seemed desperate. I left it, and for a year no mention of it but living it hope, nothing!

Recently my sister in law just got engaged to her partner of 3 years and I really love both of them but I could not hide my jealousy. I really wanted to be happy for them and had to have a word with myself. I didn't want to discuss her engagement with my partner but I did send them a lovely personalised card and champagne. To be honest I was shocked at just how bitter I felt about it, which is a horrible realisation.

It just made me feel like I'm not enough, what is wrong with me, I've never been asked before and I'm the only female I know my age that hasn't been asked. I have all the reasonability of a wife with none of the recognition. I'm still attractive, try my best to be a good Mum and partner, keep a nice home, work a full time job.

Just as I've managed to pull myself together and push all this back down by Sister has just called me this morning so say that her and her partner have got engaged whilst on holiday. I'm delighted for her, she deserves all the happiness in the world but again I'm tinged with jealousy and self-pity. I had to come home an shed a wee tear and gather myself. I'm sitting her writing this and my partner comes home from work quickly and I told him they'd got engaged, he said "Have they actually and are you crying?" I replied yes they had and could hardly look at him. He the said " Well you know, good things come to those to wait" and it my bitterness my retort was " Clearly not". He just walked out.

I know I'm sounding like a horrible bitter and selfish person and I'm partly disgusted with myself but the other half full of self pity and resentment. I'm 41, I've invested 7 years in my relationship, given him a child, used the majority of my money to buy the house. When is my time, when's it our turn? Why does this make me feel so bad.

I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't ask in the next year or two I don't want to, like it's too late, the moment is gone which is so spiteful.

I want to be busting with excitement for my Sister and Sister in Law, I'm not a young girl I should be able to better than this but I feel a bit lost and sadly jealous.

Well yes but hopefully that poster was aware of any potential risks and had carefully weighed them up rather than just not being arsed

I agree with you @Aquamarine1029 it puts you off. I'm not doing it now.

It's not vile rhetoric. Children are harmed by broken dysfunctional homes. It's a fact.

(in general not always)

What would be vile is if we couldn't talk about what harms children because it upsets the adults.

I do wish MN would drop the assumption that women should get married for their financial protection… If you have significant assets, you’ll lose half!

Joanne reporting you for making false accusations.

good thing divorce doesn't exist and marriages never break down...

I was also acknowledging your deep hurt.

But taking responsibility for your life choices may actaully help: you chose to have a baby without marraige. You may therefore have to live without marriage.

Yes it's painful and not what you hoped for, but your decision lead you here.

You now have to decide how you live with that reality: do you come to terms with accepting it or does the pain remain too much and marraige is so imortant that you split? And what impact would that have on your child? Who should now come before you?

(imo your DP is letting your child down as well as you but you are stuck with him as the dad)

Your emotions are understandabale but you have made decsions which placed you here.

Couldn't agree with this sentiment more. I actually refused to move in with my partner (now fiance) until he proposed lol. I didn't push the issue I just made my feelings clear when he mentioned moving in. I had a lovely little house to myself and valued my own space very much, if I was going to let someone in then I wanted that commitment. Initially he grumbled about this but 2 years later he proposed in Paris, and 4 months after that we moved in together. People at the time though I was a mad, unreasonable shrew (mainly his friends) but I knew what I wanted and even he admits that he's glad we did it this way round. Currently planning wedding for next year and everything feels so exciting, new and fresh. Honestly I'd recommend it to anyone if you can put up with the judgement from people. Don't lower your standards for anyone.

Nope

My finances are separate anyway

Well we know they do, but much less likely if you are married than not.

Of course marriage doesn't mean you're not going to find you married a twat, but that's a seperate issue from there's a twat who won't marry me, which appears to be the OPs situation.

Get a civil partnership. Two appointments to fill in forms and it’s done.

Yes MN should give advice as if all women are independently wealthy, that'll help most women.

I am not going to be financially shafted by this man, I'm very aware of the issues other women face and am the majority shareholder on the home, registered with the land registry. There is also a written minute of agreement that sets out all of this, everything is legal protected. I'm not stupid!

Our house renovations did take a long time and it was a stressful 6 months, we all got back on track and in about January then two months ago his sister got engaged. We only started living together 4 years ago. We also had a pandemic in-between.

It didn't particularly bother me before and he hasn't ever said to me he doesn't want to get married. I don't think he's going to run away with a younger women or anything as others suggest. He's be fucking stupid if he did, I think he considers himself quite lucky. He's loving and support to me, a good Father, I don't want to end that over this, it's like cutting your nose of to spite your face.

I just feel a guess a bit sad, mourning of the proposal I wish I had. I don't think that make me unreasonable or pathetic. I guess I just had to say it all out loud. I'm really dishearten by all the comment, I though it might help but in fact its made questionable my mortality, life choices and relationship seem tarnished.

Thanks to those who showed some empathise with my feelings.

genuinely curious if there are some stats to prove this point given the sky-high divorce rate

in my opinion (just an opinion) its not the marriage itself that predicts the longevity of the relationship but the unwillingness to commit

its different when both parties just dont want to get married

but when one person wants to be married and the other drags their feet then there is obvious mismatch in values and priorities and these cracks tend to go deeper

They( can’t remember who they are lol ) say If you don’t marry /proposed within the first three years then the person doesn’t really want too.
I think it has some truth tbh.

I think there comes a point where you have to have some self respect for yourself. Waiting and waiting for someone to propose isn’t having self respect, ladies just move on these men are clearly not worth your tears ! This is 2023 don’t be waiting on sorry arses getting down on one knee !

He knows it's important to you. It is clear it doesn't matter to him how you feel. Get rid or get used to it

This is what young women should be doing.

I get called regressive, bfor saying having firm boundaries, high expectaions and move on when they're not met, doesn't seem regressive to me.

Set out your expecatations early on.

Having a baby because you thnk he might not marry you, but hoping he may ask one day and crying because he doesn't while being trapped because you don't want to break up a family because of the kids, sounds like regressive misery for women to me.

@haze46 Just to clarify, he said you need a house first, but you said you’ve already invested most of your money in a house?

There are loads of stats. google.

It's pretty clear and well establshed. Your opinion is based on current folklore whihc is shafting women and kids.

But yes divorce rates are also high.

so you think coercing someone into marriage will protect children from the likely split up?

I know the feeling OP. I was with my DO 6 years before he proposed, after our first child. We had discussed it and DP just never really understood what marriage would change and therefore didn’t feel the need to get married and he was just happy with us as we are.

What hurt me was the potential to never share my children’s last name, DP wanted them to have his last name. I explained shortly before DD arrived that if he wasn’t keen on marriage then the children will take my name. I also said that we could just arrange a date at the registry office and have a quick done and dusted marriage, he was more keen at that point and said that he would do that with me, I was a little bit hurt as I would have wanted the proposal and the wedding party but he’s a shy person and doesn’t like to be centre of attention so I understood and tried to compromise.

Anyway, 3 months after DD was born he did actually propose to me and our wedding (party) is in 39 days!

Have you asked your DO what it is that’s putting him off? If it’s a similar reason to my DP how would he feel about a quick, low key wedding at the registry office?

Very 1950s, what gonna change after the marriage?

I personally wouldn't bother getting married.

Go onto Ali express and buy yourself a lab grown diamond, that's what I would do.