Engagements and my horrid jealousy.

[haze46]

Here is my massive tale of woo...

I am 41 my partner is 43, we have been together for 7 years and have a two year old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship. We were friends before we became a couple and have mutual friends.

Last April we attended a lot a weddings and it started playing on me that he hadn't asked, I mentioned this to him quite a bit he knows exactly how I was feeling and said he didn't want a long engagement and we needed a house first. Also that the constantly mentioning it wasn't nice and seemed desperate. I left it, and for a year no mention of it but living it hope, nothing!

Recently my sister in law just got engaged to her partner of 3 years and I really love both of them but I could not hide my jealousy. I really wanted to be happy for them and had to have a word with myself. I didn't want to discuss her engagement with my partner but I did send them a lovely personalised card and champagne. To be honest I was shocked at just how bitter I felt about it, which is a horrible realisation.

It just made me feel like I'm not enough, what is wrong with me, I've never been asked before and I'm the only female I know my age that hasn't been asked. I have all the reasonability of a wife with none of the recognition. I'm still attractive, try my best to be a good Mum and partner, keep a nice home, work a full time job.

Just as I've managed to pull myself together and push all this back down by Sister has just called me this morning so say that her and her partner have got engaged whilst on holiday. I'm delighted for her, she deserves all the happiness in the world but again I'm tinged with jealousy and self-pity. I had to come home an shed a wee tear and gather myself. I'm sitting her writing this and my partner comes home from work quickly and I told him they'd got engaged, he said "Have they actually and are you crying?" I replied yes they had and could hardly look at him. He the said " Well you know, good things come to those to wait" and it my bitterness my retort was " Clearly not". He just walked out.

I know I'm sounding like a horrible bitter and selfish person and I'm partly disgusted with myself but the other half full of self pity and resentment. I'm 41, I've invested 7 years in my relationship, given him a child, used the majority of my money to buy the house. When is my time, when's it our turn? Why does this make me feel so bad.

I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't ask in the next year or two I don't want to, like it's too late, the moment is gone which is so spiteful.

I want to be busting with excitement for my Sister and Sister in Law, I'm not a young girl I should be able to better than this but I feel a bit lost and sadly jealous.

He’s entitled to think it doesn’t matter—from his perspective. But this makes you cry and he doesn’t care.

It’s time to grow up.

Just tell him you want to get married in the next 6 months - which month suits him.

You are a 40 year old woman with two kids, one of whom isn’t his, and you were mates before you got together - you are not a Virgin bride in the 1950s, so drop the veil of tears.

It would be a good idea to marry him so you don’t get shafted financially, so focus on that.

If he genuinely doesn’t want to get married , then it’s best to know that. But who asks who doesn’t matter.

I don’t have much time for men who don’t want to marry, because it usually shafts women financially.

But I have a sliver of sympathy for this one, because being partnered with a 40 year old who weeps over her friends engagements without asserting herself is not appealing.

My son’s girlfriend wanted them to get a house. They got a house. She then wanted a baby, son said they couldn’t afford it yet. She got a cat instead. But she still wanted a baby so son gave in and she was pregnant. Then she wanted to get married. Son gave in and they got married. Five years later he left her. I don’t think he ever wanted to get married but felt pressured into it. Is marriage really that important to you? Nobody should be pressured into doing something they don’t want to do. What kind of relationship is that? If you love him just appreciate what you have together. But if being married is important to you, then you need to decide if it’s more important than he is. If so, you need to separate and find someone who does see marriage in their future.

I would look at your financial situation first, who is the higher earner, who owns the property, who put more money in.

Basically are you going to shaft yourself by giving him equal access to your assets when he doesn't seem keen to commit.

If you still think marriage is a good idea then tell him, Marriage is important to me, we aren't getting any younger, lets set a date now and we will have whatever wedding we can afford, I want to be married more than I want a wedding.

You're blaming her???

Have ye discussed what kind of wedding ye would like, what budget range, how long would it take ye to save for that, etc, as the wedding seems to be something he wants but ye can't afford yet? I get the not wanting the long engagement thing but in order to do that, if he wants a wedding, ye will nearly have to have that half organaued before getting engaged which is a bit weird? He knows how u feel so I think any future convos around it are going to have to be almost factual rather than emotive or it seems he will just get pissed off and abort the convo and ye will get no further. Is it the engagement, the wedding or the marriage that you are most looking for?

This.

@haze46 & @SuperBurgers these men are using you, why are you letting them control you? 🤔

OP your feelings are completely normal. I have been exactly where you are, except I didn’t have kids until afterwards. I too have reacted to engagement announcements by crying, and I too have felt so much less loved than my friends seem loved by their husbands.

Did mine propose? Meh. After years of me being down about it, and my hints turning to tears and angry bitter comments, he did one day on holiday say “will you marry me” and seem terribly proud of himself, but honestly the moment had passed, it wasn’t romantic at all, more “about time!” and then I had to pick the ring and organise the wedding by myself while he patted himself on the back.

My advice is to accept that the moment has passed. It is too late for you to have the romantic proposal you deserve, because there’s simply nothing romantic about a proposal when it’s this late. So, forget the proposal and decide whether you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him, or not.

In the decade I waited for my proposal, someone much older told me “he isn’t serious about you love or he would have asked by now.” I often wonder if they were right. Three houses and children later… I do still feel less loved by my DH than my friends seem loved by their husbands. He just never was that excited about the whole wife-kids thing. And I do wish I’d been lucky enough to find someone that was. 😔 If I could tell 22 year old me to dump him and find someone desperate to marry her, perhaps I would. But that’s me, you have children so it’s a different situation. Your options really are limited to three: (1) continue to wait, (2) leave or (3) tell him that the time for a romantic proposal has passed but you would love to be his wife and why don’t you both just do a small local wedding. I’d suggest maybe waiting til after xmas just in case he has a summer holiday or xmas holiday plan and then option 3.

It's the ex's fault that your son has no backbone?

Sorry to be a negative Nancy but I’ve seen this happen to so many women…..story goes the same way, bloke practically refuses to get married whilst reaping in the benefits of married life, woman is strung along and almost always sacrifices her time/career to raise kids or run the house. She eventually has enough and leaves. 6 months to a year later bloke is married to younger woman. 🙄

He wasn’t heavily hinting- he was saying what he thought would end the conversation.

He’s a shit OP, won’t piss or get off the pot. You need to take control here, and realize he’ll always be a late and dollar short sort of partner.

Sounds like your son is a spineless shit.

Just wanted to say OP that I could have written this 2 years ago. Used to feel exactly the same over seeing others engagement posts on FB. I even burst into tears when I read about someone doing it in a book! It's so hard, you need to sit down with him and see if you're on the same page as him timeline wise. Do you have any special events coming up that he could be waiting until? The good things come to those who wait I can't tell if it's a brush off or if he does in fact have something planned.

Of course he’s told you it won’t happen. He’s just not used the words. It’s been 7 years. It’s not a deal breaker for uou. So I think you need to look at what you can do to come to terms with the fact you will not marry.

also are you as an individual financially secure. Pension, property, job etc? As you will remain unmarried, it’s key to ensure you have this sorted.

I actually think 'Clearly not' was the perfect response. Why should you pussyfoot around his feelings when he has no compunction about hurting yours?

As hurtful as it is I don't think this man has any intention of asking you to marry him. And I understand why you'd like to be asked- but I think that's a symptom of his not having asked. You're looking for validation that he loves you as much as you love him. I fear that you won't get it and even if you were to propose to him and he accepted, you'd always think that you had to push him into it.

he has told you he is not getting married - you're both in your 40s. if you wanted to get married you'd be married in a month from the engagement. he just doesn't want to

All of this. Sorry OP.

It's not wrong to want to be asked. It's not wrong to feel wanted and desired. But - and much as I hate this saying it does sum it up - why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

The time to have the " let's get married" conversation is before kids and years of being a de facto wife.

If he doesn't ask you you'll resent him and if you make the decision and push it forward yourself you'll feel he was railroaded into it.

I’m sorry to say that I feel the moment has already gone. He’s already under pressure from you to do it. I also agree that his reasons are just excuses.

You have two choices really. You leave him and find someone else who will give you the life you want.

Or you come to terms with the fact that you might never be married. But you have a loving partner, two lovely kids etc. Only you know if you can do that.

There is no third option of pressuring him into it.

PS If you go for the second option, make sure the legal stuff is sorted.

I disagree entirely that hes using me, he has been married before, had two children and its not a priority for him to remarry, especially having been once bitten.

For my part, I have pretty significant identity issues, grew up in a loving but incredibly split family with half and step siblings, never felt remotely prioritised by either side, used as a pawn between warring parents that I was passed between to suit there own lives rather than what best for me, step siblings that resented me because their dad lived with my mother and I, and not them, they didnt even have a room with us, we had a two bed bungalow, they shared my bedroom with me and hated it, understandably. I found that hard as I at that time was an only child, desperate for a sibling so desperately wanted to be close to them but they really did not want to let me in, something that remains to this day although I no longer try, they are step siblings by name only, polite but basically strangers. I later had a half brother on the other side that was used to emotionally manipulate me into visiting my abusive dad, followed by said brother being made the golden child that I could never compare to but must be there for at all times (which I am, because I do truly love him to bits). I mean, even my dear nan was divorced!

I tell you this to explain that I have a very real and quite desperate need to "belong" to something. That isnt DP's problem, he has absolutely shown time and time again his love for me, but I emotionally need to feel part of a stable family unit. Something DP cant truly understand having had a secure upbringing. Thats not to say he doesnt try, he really does, its just not something that he can feel because its not something he lived. I dont even want a wedding, cant imagine much worse, I want to pop down the registry office on a Tuesday afternoon and just sign the documents, I just want to belong to a family.

And here we are, he has put his own feelings to a side for me, albeit after 9 years and many conversations, but he wanted to show me that he does care about how I feel even to the detriment of his own fears.

I dont consider that I've been used. I consider that one of us is always going to lose in this situation if I want to be married and he doesnt. But I also think he understands I've given more to his life and hes not really had to mould to mine and therefore this is a compromise that hes maybe had to work on with himself.

Oh God the shame and ick I would feel at being the mother of that "man".
I'm really sorry.

I haven’t read the full thread but I can imagine what most responses will have said.

Taking into account your ages as well, if you have a 7 year relationship behind you, a home and a child together and he still hasn’t shown any active signs of wanting to be married then I doubt he ever will.

As you will see on MN a lot: “If he wanted to marry you he would have done it by now.”

@SuperBurgers presumably he knows all this and wont marry you because he's...divorced? so he assume he would run a risk of getting divorced again if and when he terminated your relationship?

Will you spend the rest of your life with him if he won’t marry you?

His ex ended their marriage. He isnt worried about who ends it, hes worried that it could end full stop. Not all men are the same. My OH is terribly safe, its who he is, hes not a big risk taker, hes quite analytical. It doesnt mean he doesnt love me and it doesnt mean he doesnt want to be with me. But having been divorced after 13 years, hes also wise enough to know that no matter peoples best intentions and love, that things can change.

Not to mention statistically the divorce rate on second marriages with children involved. Its really not something anyone should take lightly.

Might not be romantic but its true.