Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Engagements and my horrid jealousy.

216 replies

haze46 · 03/08/2023 11:10

Here is my massive tale of woo...

I am 41 my partner is 43, we have been together for 7 years and have a two year old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship. We were friends before we became a couple and have mutual friends.

Last April we attended a lot a weddings and it started playing on me that he hadn't asked, I mentioned this to him quite a bit he knows exactly how I was feeling and said he didn't want a long engagement and we needed a house first. Also that the constantly mentioning it wasn't nice and seemed desperate. I left it, and for a year no mention of it but living it hope, nothing!

Recently my sister in law just got engaged to her partner of 3 years and I really love both of them but I could not hide my jealousy. I really wanted to be happy for them and had to have a word with myself. I didn't want to discuss her engagement with my partner but I did send them a lovely personalised card and champagne. To be honest I was shocked at just how bitter I felt about it, which is a horrible realisation.

It just made me feel like I'm not enough, what is wrong with me, I've never been asked before and I'm the only female I know my age that hasn't been asked. I have all the reasonability of a wife with none of the recognition. I'm still attractive, try my best to be a good Mum and partner, keep a nice home, work a full time job.

Just as I've managed to pull myself together and push all this back down by Sister has just called me this morning so say that her and her partner have got engaged whilst on holiday. I'm delighted for her, she deserves all the happiness in the world but again I'm tinged with jealousy and self-pity. I had to come home an shed a wee tear and gather myself. I'm sitting her writing this and my partner comes home from work quickly and I told him they'd got engaged, he said "Have they actually and are you crying?" I replied yes they had and could hardly look at him. He the said " Well you know, good things come to those to wait" and it my bitterness my retort was " Clearly not". He just walked out.

I know I'm sounding like a horrible bitter and selfish person and I'm partly disgusted with myself but the other half full of self pity and resentment. I'm 41, I've invested 7 years in my relationship, given him a child, used the majority of my money to buy the house. When is my time, when's it our turn? Why does this make me feel so bad.

I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't ask in the next year or two I don't want to, like it's too late, the moment is gone which is so spiteful.

I want to be busting with excitement for my Sister and Sister in Law, I'm not a young girl I should be able to better than this but I feel a bit lost and sadly jealous.

OP posts:
Duchessofspace · 03/08/2023 13:23

Artgalleryloner · 03/08/2023 12:59

Sorry to be a negative Nancy but I’ve seen this happen to so many women…..story goes the same way, bloke practically refuses to get married whilst reaping in the benefits of married life, woman is strung along and almost always sacrifices her time/career to raise kids or run the house. She eventually has enough and leaves. 6 months to a year later bloke is married to younger woman. 🙄

This. I really don’t see the point in marriage unless you are a women having kids - and in that case insist on marriage before getting pregnant.

YouveGotAFastCar · 03/08/2023 13:25

This is really, really painful - and that's why you're upset, and feeling jealous. It's something you badly want, and you can see other people getting, and you know that realistically you're not going to. It's been 7 years, and he's always got a reason that he doesn't want to propose. But that's the crux of it. He doesn't want to propose.

You do have options.
You can propose to him. It's not exactly how you'd like it; but you'd know straight away if he wants to marry you. Nobody says no to a proposal because they want to do it/they don't have enough money, etc. You'd get a straight answer.
You can accept that marriage isn't on the cards for you, but you say you're happy with everything else, and really invest time and energy into being okay with not getting married. This might take talking to someone.
Or you can find someone who is just as excited about marrying you as you are them, which isn't this man.

I was in the same situation as you. 8 years with someone who always had a reason why they couldn't propose yet, and got irritated by it being mentioned. In the end, I proposed to him; and he said no. He tried to say it was because he wanted to do it, he wasn't ready, he wasn't ready to plan a wedding... but it was a no. He left for two weeks and came back ready to carry on as normal; I cried my heart out and moved on.

Three years later, I was engaged to a man who could not have been more excited about getting engaged. He was happy to talk about if/when I wanted to get married and have children when we got serious; he listened to me and we talked about timeframes, and then he surprised me with a proposal that was very us. The difference is night and day and I'm very glad my early boyfriend said no; or I'd never have found my husband.

You're wistfully waiting for him to change who he is and how he feels and surprise you with a proposal, and there seems to be no rational reason to believe that he will... so in a way, by holding that expectation, you're setting both him and you up to fail.

PaintedEgg · 03/08/2023 13:25

and other than the paperwork involved, how would getting divorce make splitting up any worse than just breaking up as you are?

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 13:26

Artgalleryloner · 03/08/2023 12:59

Sorry to be a negative Nancy but I’ve seen this happen to so many women…..story goes the same way, bloke practically refuses to get married whilst reaping in the benefits of married life, woman is strung along and almost always sacrifices her time/career to raise kids or run the house. She eventually has enough and leaves. 6 months to a year later bloke is married to younger woman. 🙄

Why does that happen? Is the new woman just more persuasive?

Just curious btw, I've never wanted to and never will marry.

VictoriaVenkman · 03/08/2023 13:27

I want to feel like he wants to also.

Sorry to sound harsh OP, but actions speak louder than words. If he wanted to marry you, he would have by now.

Did you protect the money that went into the buying of the house? You said you paid the majority of the money for the house.

Mirabai · 03/08/2023 13:29

I mean a 41 year old woman who wants to get married makes it happen.

If he really really doesn’t want to get married at all that’s a different matter.

Hoppinggreen · 03/08/2023 13:30

MrsSlocombesCat · 03/08/2023 12:34

My son’s girlfriend wanted them to get a house. They got a house. She then wanted a baby, son said they couldn’t afford it yet. She got a cat instead. But she still wanted a baby so son gave in and she was pregnant. Then she wanted to get married. Son gave in and they got married. Five years later he left her. I don’t think he ever wanted to get married but felt pressured into it. Is marriage really that important to you? Nobody should be pressured into doing something they don’t want to do. What kind of relationship is that? If you love him just appreciate what you have together. But if being married is important to you, then you need to decide if it’s more important than he is. If so, you need to separate and find someone who does see marriage in their future.

Your poor son, thoughts and prayers

SuperBurgers · 03/08/2023 13:31

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 13:26

Why does that happen? Is the new woman just more persuasive?

Just curious btw, I've never wanted to and never will marry.

Show quote history

I dont think its that, I think they typically coast with someone they either arent happy with or arent making enough effort to appreciate, that ends for the same reasons listed, then when the next woman comes along they rush into it so as to have seemingly learnt from their former mistakes.

Or maybe next woman is just younger/fitter/better. Who knows.

montecarlo7 · 03/08/2023 13:33

I would propose. If he says no or doesn't give a 'yes' (i.e. gives excuses), I'd leave him. But that's just me. Marriage is important to me.

PaintedEgg · 03/08/2023 13:34

I will get flamed for it but here is my experience ... i used to have very practical approach to marriage and was not hugely bothered. rejected proposal twice before eventually agreeing to get married as it felt like an incomplete task, and the whole thing felt like a chore. I remember thinking the very next day that it was a dumb idea and i will be getting divorced. and i did

then I met my now-husband who is what literature likes to call "a love of my life". Suddenly being married meant the world to me, I wanted to call him my husband, I was sure he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with, I wanted to have his children (while previously i had no inclinations towards parenthood). He proposed very quickly and I agreed without hesitation. So I was very practical and analytical until I've actually, truly fell in love....and that's why I have a massive bias when I read of all those excuses as to why someone may not want to get married. At some point in my life I was giving the same excuses.

and btw, my husband also was one of these people for whom "it was just a piece of paper", "being married wasn't that important" etc until it suddenly became important

pizzapiazza · 03/08/2023 13:34

SuperBurgers · 03/08/2023 13:31

I dont think its that, I think they typically coast with someone they either arent happy with or arent making enough effort to appreciate, that ends for the same reasons listed, then when the next woman comes along they rush into it so as to have seemingly learnt from their former mistakes.

Or maybe next woman is just younger/fitter/better. Who knows.

Show quote history

Usually still in honeymoon phase when they get married.

I know quite a few men who have done this.

EthicalNonMahogany · 03/08/2023 13:34

Who owns the house OP? Who took time off work to raise your child? Who earns more? Who has the biggest pension?

I fear you may already be shafted...

Emmamoo89 · 03/08/2023 13:35

Duchessofspace · 03/08/2023 13:23

This. I really don’t see the point in marriage unless you are a women having kids - and in that case insist on marriage before getting pregnant.

Show quote history

I'm pregnant with my second child and won't be getting married. Not arsed.

PaintedEgg · 03/08/2023 13:35

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 13:26

Why does that happen? Is the new woman just more persuasive?

Just curious btw, I've never wanted to and never will marry.

Show quote history

i think for those people (im one of them) when they said to their partner "i dont want to get married" there is a silent "with you" at the end of that sentence

Layzees · 03/08/2023 13:49

Sorry op but I don't agree with others, he sounds like my ex (who left and married someone else!) and my current partner who lied and said he was interested in marriage. I'm a bit like you and would have loved to have done it, I'm also your age and never been married. I don't care now and now after years my partner has changed his mind and I can't be arsed with it.

StrawberryWasp · 03/08/2023 13:49

Oh God another one.

A version of this post occurs every day.

Women who want marriage have been sold a lie: you can do all the other stuff first, babies and houses, and it makes no difference.

It's a lie. You should get married first.

There is a reason that traditionally if a man wanted children (and sex used to mean children) and a home with a women, he had to commit to her first, then he got the other stuff.

We can now have sex without having children (effective contraception and abortion) which has somehow made us think we have children without marriage.

But why would men be bothered about marriage after 7 years together and children? For him the ritual of commitment isn't necessary and is in fact a bind he doesn't have to commit to, so why would he? At best he's likely to be apathetic.

Can we please start to talking again about why marriage (if you want it) and then babies is the best order of commitment, and we'd then have far fewer of these threads.

OP I understand the hurt, you want to feel cherished and not feeling that provokes a deep feeling of lonliness, and I know women who even when the man did eventually marry them their feelings of hurt and not being loved enough, remained raw and undermined the marriage. It's very very hard. You need to find a way to own your emotions, and take resposbility for your past decisions, and your future decisions, it's the only way forward.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 13:50

@SuperBurgers
Proves that many men just have to have a woman looking after them even if they aren't right for them.
I don't get why younger/fitter = marriage though

Layzees · 03/08/2023 13:51

Mirabai · 03/08/2023 13:29

I mean a 41 year old woman who wants to get married makes it happen.

If he really really doesn’t want to get married at all that’s a different matter.

You can't make it happen if the other person doesn't want it. Op just needs to decide if it's a dealbreaker I guess.

SuperBurgers · 03/08/2023 13:52

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 13:50

@SuperBurgers
Proves that many men just have to have a woman looking after them even if they aren't right for them.
I don't get why younger/fitter = marriage though

Women are trophies, dont forget.

UneasyMe · 03/08/2023 13:52

PaintedEgg · 03/08/2023 13:25

and other than the paperwork involved, how would getting divorce make splitting up any worse than just breaking up as you are?

😂 Guessing you’ve never got divorced, PaintedEgg

PaintedEgg · 03/08/2023 13:53

@SuperBurgers i wouldn't simplify it like this...otherwise what does it say about ones who were never proposed to?

SuperBurgers · 03/08/2023 13:53

StrawberryWasp · 03/08/2023 13:49

Oh God another one.

A version of this post occurs every day.

Women who want marriage have been sold a lie: you can do all the other stuff first, babies and houses, and it makes no difference.

It's a lie. You should get married first.

There is a reason that traditionally if a man wanted children (and sex used to mean children) and a home with a women, he had to commit to her first, then he got the other stuff.

We can now have sex without having children (effective contraception and abortion) which has somehow made us think we have children without marriage.

But why would men be bothered about marriage after 7 years together and children? For him the ritual of commitment isn't necessary and is in fact a bind he doesn't have to commit to, so why would he? At best he's likely to be apathetic.

Can we please start to talking again about why marriage (if you want it) and then babies is the best order of commitment, and we'd then have far fewer of these threads.

OP I understand the hurt, you want to feel cherished and not feeling that provokes a deep feeling of lonliness, and I know women who even when the man did eventually marry them their feelings of hurt and not being loved enough, remained raw and undermined the marriage. It's very very hard. You need to find a way to own your emotions, and take resposbility for your past decisions, and your future decisions, it's the only way forward.

This is incredibly preachy. All women should put the rest of their lives on hold waiting for a ring that may never come? Lots of men dont want bloody kids either these days. If we all sat around wanting the correct order, which most of us did want when we were younger and still had time, birth rates would be flatlining.

PaintedEgg · 03/08/2023 13:54

UneasyMe · 03/08/2023 13:52

😂 Guessing you’ve never got divorced, PaintedEgg

Show quote history

I did, although it was relatively easy because i was the nicest person on earth and even left him the fridge 😂

seriously though, after years of being together, sharing a house, finances and children, untangling this stuff without divorce is not much easier than with a divorce

Layzees · 03/08/2023 13:56

I got my own engagement ring to me, is that sad haha. It's a beauty.

Are you happy with him in general op?

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 13:56

@SuperBurgers True. It's all shit really, glad I'm out of it 😆 Waiting for a man to decide you're suitable to marry is some backwards fuckery.