Engagements and my horrid jealousy.

[haze46]

Here is my massive tale of woo...

I am 41 my partner is 43, we have been together for 7 years and have a two year old son together. I also have a son from a previous relationship. We were friends before we became a couple and have mutual friends.

Last April we attended a lot a weddings and it started playing on me that he hadn't asked, I mentioned this to him quite a bit he knows exactly how I was feeling and said he didn't want a long engagement and we needed a house first. Also that the constantly mentioning it wasn't nice and seemed desperate. I left it, and for a year no mention of it but living it hope, nothing!

Recently my sister in law just got engaged to her partner of 3 years and I really love both of them but I could not hide my jealousy. I really wanted to be happy for them and had to have a word with myself. I didn't want to discuss her engagement with my partner but I did send them a lovely personalised card and champagne. To be honest I was shocked at just how bitter I felt about it, which is a horrible realisation.

It just made me feel like I'm not enough, what is wrong with me, I've never been asked before and I'm the only female I know my age that hasn't been asked. I have all the reasonability of a wife with none of the recognition. I'm still attractive, try my best to be a good Mum and partner, keep a nice home, work a full time job.

Just as I've managed to pull myself together and push all this back down by Sister has just called me this morning so say that her and her partner have got engaged whilst on holiday. I'm delighted for her, she deserves all the happiness in the world but again I'm tinged with jealousy and self-pity. I had to come home an shed a wee tear and gather myself. I'm sitting her writing this and my partner comes home from work quickly and I told him they'd got engaged, he said "Have they actually and are you crying?" I replied yes they had and could hardly look at him. He the said " Well you know, good things come to those to wait" and it my bitterness my retort was " Clearly not". He just walked out.

I know I'm sounding like a horrible bitter and selfish person and I'm partly disgusted with myself but the other half full of self pity and resentment. I'm 41, I've invested 7 years in my relationship, given him a child, used the majority of my money to buy the house. When is my time, when's it our turn? Why does this make me feel so bad.

I'm starting to feel like if he doesn't ask in the next year or two I don't want to, like it's too late, the moment is gone which is so spiteful.

I want to be busting with excitement for my Sister and Sister in Law, I'm not a young girl I should be able to better than this but I feel a bit lost and sadly jealous.

I know I'm sounding like a horrible bitter and selfish person

No you're not at all @haze46 , you're only wanting what a lot of women would want. It feels disrespectful if a man won't make the ultimate romantic gesture after you've been together all this time.

I had one like that and I felt like others would laugh and see our relationship as a joke.

I think men are less excited about marrying women after children, I think they sense the significance has passed.

Agreed, I wouldn't say it to the couple but have seen a lot of eye-rolling.

The big life transition has long ago taken place. Dressing up like a blushing bride and staging a big pageant is rather an anti-climax.

I think @haze46 you're getting lots of advice about why you need marriage financially but that doesn't seem to be your issue. You seem in a good position.

I think you are so emotional because marriage represents a grand gesture that shows how much you are loved and cherished and it feels like he's withholding that love from you.
I think your emotion is very understandable and goes very deep.

It's hard to resolve.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be asked first, by a partner who wants to marry you. It's just that it's evidently not going to happen in your situation.

Your partner doesn't want to marry you enough to actively take steps to bring it about, and so if you do end up getting married that's not the way it's going to look for you. So it's a choice between whether you'd rather raise the issue yourself and have a conversation about the future, or whether a wedding after that would be so undesirable and tainted to you that you'd rather do without. Only you can answer that question.

Can’t you propose to him or would you not want that? Make a plan B if he says no.

A lot of people get married when they already have kids, or are pregnant. It's not ideal but also not entirely unusual. It's still another commitment.

He is happy to have a relationship with the first woman, he just does not want to marry her.

I was with my ex for 10 years, all our friends were getting engaged. It was really getting to me as they had been together only a couple of years and I felt as one of the only couples that had been together the longest it should be us. My ex made a comment along the lines of "you know it's going to happen eventually so there's no need for me to ask".

Looking back I got caught up in all the "we've been together longest why aren't we engaged" sort of like a competition, when I should have been looking at the signs and running for the hills. Getting married was the worst mistake of my life.

Don't get caught up in something just because others are doing it.

assuming someone is not getting their arm twisted, marrying someone is exciting because you, presumably, want to be married to them

sure, if the attitude is similar to that presented by some in this thread (all about money, security and iron chokehold on assets) and nothing more, then i can see why people may not be excited. the follow up divorces to these practical unions must fun though

You know what I really don't get the people saying that "oh marriage isn't significant" or "it's just a piece of paper" or some other dismissive remark.

OP posted because she was feeling upset because IT IS WHAT SHE WANTS. That alone gives it validity, why are we trying to talk her out of her honest feelings on the situation? If she didn't think it was important she wouldn't be posting here would she?

I understand the point but if we were talking about children would we be saying the same? What you want in life is what you want and provided it isn't something utterly ludicrous and unrealistic I simply do not see why people should be posting here and dismissing it.

It is not ludicrous or unrealistic to expect a man who she's been with for nearly a decade, had a child with and is committed to him to f'ing propose for Gods sake.

I find it utterly contemptable to be honest that people are 1. Invalidating her feelings and 2. That her partner is basically doing the same.

If she wants marriage, she has every right to do what is necessary to make that come true, including leaving him. I'm sure he might be a lovely guy in every other way, perhaps he is a good father and none of that has to change at all, he just doesn't get to sleep in the same bed as her and have his washing done anymore - he can still be a wonderful father and a swell guy, and someone else can fulfill the vacancy he is currently not willing to step up to. Husband.

I'm getting married after 7 years together ...we have kids from previous relationships. It is NOT an anti climax thank you very much.

Weddings are super expensive nowadays. The average in the uk is £20,000 which is ridiculous. Perhaps he wants the big white wedding.
Reassure him you want something simole or perhaps elope.

That's a different scenario though isn't it? You're blending families, the op has had children with a future fakir.

You have two choices, grow increasingful resentful and eaten up with jealousy or leave. By your own admittance you are financially independent. I know what I'd pick.

If she wants marriage, she has every right to do what is necessary to make that come true, including leaving him. I'm sure he might be a lovely guy in every other way, perhaps he is a good father and none of that has to change at all, he just doesn't get to sleep in the same bed as her and have his washing done anymore - he can still be a wonderful father and a swell guy, and someone else can fulfill the vacancy he is currently not willing to step up to. Husband.

👏👏👏

I understand how OP feels.
We’ve got 2 DC and I made it clear I want marriage. Those people saying you should get married first, whilst I wish I had, when you’re 40 and want DC more than anything, you may not want to loiter either if you feel it’ll come later. It’s also not just a piece of paper to OP. Completely understand that if it doesn’t happen soon, you’ll feel resentment, and that you were quite good enough. I hope things work out for you x