Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

All your words are words that a spouse to an alcoholic would write and like so many posts of this type is mainly about the alcoholic.

What is your definition of alcoholic if not your H?. You're as caught up in your H's alcoholism almost as much as he is; you are certainly his codependent wife and another one of his enablers. Look at his friends; they all drink heavily as well.

Denial is a powerful force and you need to get off the merry go around named denial too. He is an alcoholic and his late father also misused alcohol similarly. Alcohol as well acts as a depressant and your H is likely self medicating with alcohol. Alcoholism can also be learnt behaviour too.

I guess your talk with him went badly. Talking to an alcoholic about his drinking is about as effective an action as peeing in the ocean. All he heard from you was white noise and he is not going to listen to your entreaties.

Your choices to date have not helped anyone here. Let your H go and rebuild your lives without him in it day to day. Your children will also thank you for doing that.

There's two issues here

The first is your husbands drinking;he sounds like a functioning alcoholic and needs to get dry;he needs to recognise he has an issue and go to AA.

The second is this man;he's a wolf in sheep's clothing;he's not your friend and isn't doing what he did selflessly;this is no reflection on you;you seem lovely but he targeted you;you were an easy target;a mum on her own who's feeling low as her feckless husband has pretty much abandoned her on holiday;he's probably figured out your an easy target with a shitty husband hence the flirty texts;he thinks you want the attention.

I don't know what he's gaining from this;he may have a slew of flirtation's going on he gets off on or there's more sinister reasons afoot.

Ditch the creep and decide what you want from your husband;if you don't want to be married to him anymore that's fine but creep man isn't the answer.You deserve better than both of these men.

Loving the casual xenaphobia toward someone who never said or did anything inappropriate, except show kindness to a mum and her kids on a tough holiday, and check up on her one time when she got back.

Some people are just nice with no ulterior motive.

Hi, just putting it out there.. im sure ill be shot down but just consider - maybe the beginnings of grooming from holiday guy. plants one seed of flattery in your head then goes back to friendly comments. Some narcissists start in this way, vulnerable woman - tick, self conscious - tick, got kids so cant go anywhere at the drop of a hat - tick, marriage not going well atm - tick. Keep messaging him and one day he might change tack. I could be wrong but stop contact - block his number. It will be hard at first as I know what a drug friendly male texts can be. put it down to experience. This is a great forum btw, a lifeline to many people who experience the same issues.

Sounds like you are married to an alcoholic and he left you alone all holiday to watch the kids. The entertainment guy was nice to you so that is what you are focusing on when you should be talking to your husband about fixing your marriage and sorting out his alcohol dependency. Just because he is not a nasty drunk doesn't mean he should continue opting out of family life while he knocks back whisky and cocktails.

If your DH has to drink to oblivion - he is an alcoholic. Only he can choose to sort this and not drink and actually be a parent. Your children are seeing this as normal, it is very likely to cause them issues. What struck me was perhaps the Entertainer recognised something in the dynamic.

Hello,

just updating as I felt I should as you’ve all been so kind. It went terribly, he got upset and was angry at first and telling me I was over-reacting and he’d already promised me he would try harder and had apologised and the kids still had a great holiday etc etc then I reminded him yes they did but that was because of me and some other random hotel employee! Nothing to do with him, he was a nightmare. Then after that I think it kind of dawned on him and he got emotional and cried and said he just doesn’t think he’s a very good husband and dad and he doesn’t know how to change and I thanked him for at least acknowledging the issue. Whilst we were talking I kept thinking of all the comments here and thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be in this situation, I need to be stronger than this’ so then I gave the ultimatum of sort himself out and stop drinking or it will be done for us …… he said ‘you can’t just give me an ultimatum like that, we have been together 10 years’ and I said do you expect me to stick around for another 10 years if it’s like this?
anyway he went to bed at 9pm and I was downstairs until midnight on my own just feeling crap if I’m honest.
This morning he gave me a big hug and said he was sorry, he said he is just defensive and has grown up in an Alpha male environment (which I know he has) so struggles to talk about emotions etc - he said he has decided he will not drink for a month to see how he feels. I said it’s a start I guess? He is playing football tonight which always cheers him up and clears his head so tonight might be better if we did try again to talk.
Its difficult because I’m a natural communicator and he’s the farthest from that you can imagine so we often bumble through things with me needing to read between the lines etc.
it’s such a crap situation, I keep feeling really determined then really sad, then really determined again. Anyway, I guess him not drinking for a month is a start and will give him the chance to clear his mind.
I feel like I don’t love him as much as before the holiday but also that could be anger / resentment clouding my mind.
Greek guy messaged me this morning, just commented on one of my Insta stories of my kids playing in the garden and said ‘their tans are still really good even though it is raining’ because we were joking that as soon as we landed at Gatwick we’d all be white within 5 minutes but that’s it, I just said LOL and that was that. I feel that’s what it will be like maybe the odd comment or like but nothing else which makes me happy, sounds sad but I feel like I’ve found a nice friend who understood my situation a bit and was just a neutral person who could a neutral opinion on things rather than friends and family etc.

Thank you again every one x

Your husband has serious alcohol issues because he put this above you and your children. You tood him how you felt yet he continued to repeat this behaviour.
I speak from experience, my Father was an alcoholic and every holiday I remember being ruined by drinking and now as an adult I have very unhappy memories of all my childhood holidays.
Do you want this for both you and your children?
I'd refuse to go on another holiday unless he seeks help.

But @LittleStar1985 needs to understand that there is no single "classic alcoholic" pattern. Her DH sounds like an alcoholic - he is not 'safe" around alcohol.

First step forget the pool boy that relationship is going nowhere, you have experienced how a different man can make you feel. Next sort your husband out, either he changes or you leave, if that looks likely prepare well for it. If you do stay together dont go to All Inclusive again.

He sounds like a nice man and a good friend. Some people don't know this, but you don't HAVE to have sex with every man who you talk to. I know! Mad right?

That's Harsh

Interesting series of events here.

Has he agreed to get help? And seek a therapist? Or to attend an AA meeting? Or an A Anon meeting (as the son of an alcoholic...)

If not I fear you are back to where you were before the holiday.

The demons of alcohol are difficult to keep at bay without some kind of additional support.

He sounds like he is in denial.
Please do not enable it.

LittleStar1985 although I really, really hope that you dh is able to stop drinking for a month, take stock and make a decision to change his relationship to alcohol permanently, it would be wise to recognise that this sort of statement is in the alcoholics play book.

Feeling guilt wracked when sober, making all sort of rash promises, then reality kicking in a short time, maybe hours, maybe days, maybe weeks later. At some point, he'll probably 'need a drink' - stressful day at work, good day at work, boring day at work etc.

It would be worth you thinking through how you want to respond to this situation should it occur. Hopefully not, honestly I do hope not, but it would be naive not to consider it as a possibility.

When was the last time he went for a month without drinking out of interest?

Alcoholics Anonymous can be an absolute life saver for some people. It's not for everyone, but it's a form is support that people can access very quickly unlike counselling.

When it comes to problem drinkers, their ability to go cold turkey for a month (or whatever length of time) isn't a reason to feel encouraged. Most problem drinkers can remain abstinent as long as they have absolutely no alcohol. The real test is whether or not they can stop at one drink, i.e., a glass (or two) with dinner.

Chinese proverb (at least, I think it's Chinese):
First the man takes a drink
Then the drink takes a drink
Then the drink takes the man

It's inappropriate for him to "check up on her" when she's left. She's a married holiday maker/guest at his place of employment; it's weird to be contacting her after steps left.

Kind and helpful when she's a guest, yes. Swapping contact details and messaging after she's left and they have no reason to be communicating; no.

They are not friends. They just had some interactions on a functional/professor basis on holiday. A man pursuing a "friendship" with a married woman based on that, after she's left the accommodation/resort is .... Acting oddly and inappropriately.

Op reciprocating until now and her highly emotional statements about it ("will never forget him") show the dynamic is not kosher. They simply wouldn't be in contact in any normal circumstances.

And as for xenophobia ...... Ridiculous; this would be the case if it was the entertainment/kids club guy at a UK hotel/resort too.

Some people are just nice with no ulterior motive.

But many people are not.

Sadly in my experience, the bias is also towards females, not males, when it comes to selfless, charitable etc. niceness.

😂😂😂

Oh and "foreign" or "abroad" or "European" or anything to that effect was not mentioned once in my post.

As above, this would be inappropriate from any hotel employee anywhere.

A good friend lol.

They hardly know each other.

He was considerate and kind in his role as an entertainment employee at her hotel, she doesn't know him from Adam and he's not her friend.

I'd be interested to know if he's single or not too.

The definition of a friend l, let alone a good one, is decidedly loose for some people.

Sorry OP, but I don't think this guy was being especially kind. He fancied you, saw you were on your own a lot and saw an opportunity. Now he wants to continue the 'romance'.

It's up to you if you want to go ahead. Unless he suddenly flies over here, I would say it's just a harmless distraction from your current problems with your DH.

But the key thing is that he's NOT some amazing guy who's better than your DH. All guys turn super lovely when they fancy you.

Also the idea of completely platonic friendship between men and women is lovely. .... But sadly iny experience the number of women who are truly interested in engaging in that is relatively low; and the number of men interested in engaging in that considerably lower.

Unfortunately when there's any attraction or emotion whatsoever from either side, it tends to not work out.

This guy could be just an incredibly, exceptionally nice guy; equally he could be just another opportunistic man who thinks he's onto something with a neglected milf.

The fact that he's fairly much crossing the line of professional behaviour (I wouldn't want him doing this if he was my employee, would you?) is not really fitting with the "incredibly, exceptionally nice guy) theory.

I don’t think it went terribly. You made progress in communicating that you will not put up with this and will not continue to expose your children to it. He needs to make progress in realising he has a problem, but let’s see how it goes.

(If I was his employer and was somehow found out he'd swapped details with a married female guest and was, after she'd left the complex & gone back to her home region, messaging her and commenting on her SM, things like commenting on children still having their tans etc., I'd probably be thinking 'wtf are you at, mate?".

It's possibly even against his employment contract (?)