Strange situation on family holiday :(

[LittleStar1985]

Hello, I wasn’t sure where to post this so hopefully it’s ok here. It’s a bit long, I apologise.

I have just returned from a family holiday to Greece with my husband and 2 young children. The holiday was an all inclusive and we were all so excited. I was slightly apprehensive as my husband likes a drink and on our previous all -inclusive he went a bit crazy with the free cocktails and had to keep going to bed at 8pm but he said he’d be better this time etc so anyway we went on holiday for 14 days and first few days all fine but then another English family arrived and my husband made friends with the dad who had brought a load of expensive whisky at the duty free so he invited my husband up to their room to taste some of this lush whisky and that’s kind of where it started, he was gone for 2 hours and was so drunk when he came back and then the rest of the holiday was a bit similar, he would start on the cocktails and tequilas at 11am and then then by 7pm he was falling asleep and so I had to take the kids to the evening entertainment on my own. I voiced my objections a number of times and he said he’d be better the next day but he never was so I just gave up.

So anyway, on day 7 or 8 of our holiday, I was sat watching the kids by the pool, my husband was in the room still sleeping at 1pm and one of the entertainment staff came up to me and said ‘would your husband like to play volleyball’ - you know the classic entertainment stuff and I said I’m sorry he is sick today in the room not sure he will be out just yet etc etc blah blah and the guy asked if he needs him to get the hotel doctor and I said no it’s fine, just a few too many tequilas but he’ll be fine and then he looked at me so kindly and asked if I wanted to move sunbeds nearer to the entertainment because then he said he and his team can entertain my kids and I can relax a bit, well with this I burst into tears, I was mortified at doing it but I couldn’t help it.
From that point on, this entertainment guy made it his mission to give my kids and I a brilliant holiday, he got us up and playing in the pool, he watched the kids whilst I went to the toilet or to get them drinks, he gave them pool toys and he made sure he chatted to me throughout the day. He was my age (35) and we had a few things in common here and there. I added him on Instagram as he asked permission to put a picture of my kids winning a trophy on the hotel Insta page and I said yes then he said he will add me too. Anyway, just a lovely man who never overstepped the line, didn’t talk about personal things, didn’t flirt at all etc and introduced himself to my husband and was so polite and discreet. On the day we left, he came to say goodbye to us all and literally out of nowhere I had this wave of utter sadness, I had to stop myself from getting teary and we said goodbye, he gave T-shirts to my kids, shook my hand and said we will keep in touch etc and hopefully we can come back one day.

A few days after returning home, he messaged me on Insta to ask if all was ok, did we get home ok and hoped we had a great holiday etc and I thought ‘I should just ignore this’ but classic me, I replied and now we are chatting quite a bit maybe 2 or 3 messages a day just random things or he will send me a funny meme etc but I feel like I can’t stop thinking about how lovely he was and how much he saved my holiday, the kids loved him and all the others- and I didn’t miss my husband once when he was off drinking it up in the room during the day and that is sad isn’t it because I love my husband so much.

i know that my marriage has some issues that need sorting and I should provably just ignore the messages of this dude but I can’t bring myself to do it. I know that lots of these foreign holiday types can just latch onto tourists with another agenda but I am
not naive and there is no sense of that here. He hasn’t said anything close to romantic or overly personal, just genuine kindness and interest in us.
I don’t suppose anyone else has ever been in a situation like this? I don’t know if I should just delete this person and move on…. I mean move on from what exactly!?? Arghhh. Confused as hell.

Thank you for the Update, OP. I think the thread doesn’t realize it has moved on from the holiday friend problem to the alcoholic husband problem.

Thats too bad because you are going to need a lot of support. Your DH is definitely an alcoholic, given the description you have given. It runs in his family given what you report about his late father. Its part of his manly social world.

And his hobbies and friendships (with single and divorced men!) should scare the pants off you. All his friends are NOT FAMILY MEN and have either not started real relationships with women or not been able to sustain those relationships. He will be next if he doesn’t put in the work.

Just stopping for a month—if he does it—will not change him. He doesn’t enjoy life when he is siber. He doesn’t enjoy you, or the children, he prefers drinking and being drunk. He is happiest away with the boyos, doing what they do. He won’t be able to sustain sobriety and life as a family man.

Bluntly put, but sadly the reality of the OP's situation.

Your update sounds sort of positive. But he could start drinking under the radar... or will stay abstinent until a big occasion and then go off the rails again. A PP was very wise saying you need to know how you're going to react when this happens, because sadly it will.

I would say he was good at his job up until he checked on her after her return and they started exchanging messages, after a few messages I'd call him a friend, and by checking on her I'd call him a good one.

I think we may be disagreeing about the difference between a 'good friend': someone who you've know for a long time and a 'good friend': someone who does things that are good and they are a friend.

If he wanted to fuck her he would have been better off trying when they were in the same country!

You think that someone having an alcoholic problem to the extent they miss entire family holiday and are in a cycle of repeatedly getting wasted and then being too hungover to parent is acceptable parenting and funny? I don’t.

Would it maybe be worth starting a new thread focusing on your husband and the home situation, to make sure you get helpful advice?

I think it sounds like you did SO well, being strong like that with someone you love is really hard.

I think you need to have another chat in a day or two where you both maybe do some reading about alcohol dependency, and talk frankly about what he needs to do in order to avoid repeating damaging patterns of the past (his dad). It sounds like he could do with seeing someone or ringing a support line like Cruse to talk about his bereavement, do you think he's dealt with it? He's obviously suffering and while the alcohol is probably a symptom of that (as well as learnt behaviour) it's worth trying to deal with both I think.

I think we may be disagreeing about the difference between a 'good friend': someone who you've know for a long time and a 'good friend': someone who does things that are good and they are a friend.

Yes, I suppose id be more inclined to calm that being a good person or suchlike.

*call that

If he wanted to fuck her he would have been better off trying when they were in the same country!

There's a lot of ground between nothing, and trying to fuck someone within a matter of days while their husband is there (as much as he was). It's not either, or.

someone who does things that are good and they are a friend.

He wasn't a friend, he was an acquaintance. And not a neutral, social acquaintance - it's his job.

You're not a friend because you've met someone a handful of times and were nice to them in the function of your job & on general.

Your DH is a problem drinker who neglects his wife and children. Go back to the same hotel post divorce and see how it goes with the Ents Adonis. I'm not even joking. 💐

I get this and can completely understand how its confusing you. I would be making it a priority to get rid of the selfish husband. Its fine to message this guy in a friendly way as he was kind to you, but other than that i would deal with leaving husband.

Your husband is a problem drinker. Unless he stops drinking this will be your life every holiday, Christmas, wedding etc until 'apprehension' turns into dread and what should be things to look forward to are ruined.
The holiday guy has got under your skin because he's given you a glimpse of what life could be like with a man without a drink problem. Realistically, he himself may not be the full deal either. He was obviously hitting on you, just playing the long game. As he lives in another country, he's likely irrelevant to your long term story, other than to cast the spotlight on your husband's inadequacy. So I'm not sure if it matters that much if you keep in touch or not. If it brings you some comfort I'd not judge you. It will fizzle out soon enough.
Meanwhile I really would advise you give some thought to whether to stay in your marriage. Your husband is standing between you and happiness.

Sort out the husband problem first.

You are so starved of kindness, attention and focus on the children that the kindness of a stranger has made you feel like this.

It is not difficult to understand why it has happened but NOTHING good will come of this.

Do not give your useless lump of an alcoholic husband an emotional affair to use as leverage against you during the inevitable breakdown of your marriage over his drinking and selfishness.

Liking a drink is not an issue. Drinking yourself into a stupor day after day is. Ignoring your family entirely in favor or booze and new drinking mates is a massive issue. No amount of hard work is an excuse for this appalling behavior.

I haven't read the whole thread but I did read your update and I'm glad you didn't cut the Greek guy out.
There's no reason why you can't stay friends, it seems a shame to lose a nice person in your life.
I have a few male friends and we message frequently, have done for years, and it's never lead to anything because I've been with my partner the whole time and have never wanted to ruin that.

I'm glad you also had a much needed chat with your husband. Stick at it. He needs help for his drink problem as much as you need him to.
I hope you can both move forward from here xx

Do not give your useless lump of an alcoholic husband an emotional affair to use as leverage against you during the inevitable breakdown of your marriage over his drinking and selfishness.

This.

(Plus he possibly shags any woman who gives him the opportunity and is probably not even single).

Ppft - Nobody cares - they all do it - male or female. It's not just about sex at all. A lot of entertainment reps end up with thousands on their Facebook. My family helped one ents guy in Cyprus who was Sri Lankan and wanted to study Medicine in England and we helped him to achieve that and became solid friends. it;s a good way for people to make friends and contacts for life.

Good luck OP. Your husband could do with vitamin B complex to help steady his nerves after abusing of alcohol so seriously during the holiday, but it also sounds like he needs serious therapy.

As for your holiday rep, I surprised at all the people talking about professionalism meaning not making friends with the guests. I seriously doubt those jobs are that well paid that the employers are entitled to say who their employees can be friends with.

I think you should keep your friendship going with the holiday guy OP.
You have a very hard and painful road ahead of you. Its very very unlikely your husband will become teetotal, and for drinkers like him who have no off switch and underlying mental health issues, that is the only way to avoid the constant cycle of abstinence/binge which is every bit as hard as dealing with a daily drinker.
If he feels his marriage is at risk and he wants to drink, he won't put the marriage first. He will drink and lie, adding deceit to the list of things you'll resent.
This could go on for years until his health gives up (not long now if he's 50s) or you finally reach the point where you've run out of road.
Short term, you may see the month out. You may not. But either way, in your shoes I'd not be shutting the door on a source of support and comfort. Believe me, you'll need something nice in your life.

Not at any hotel I've been at.

Besides theres a difference between befriending a family/couple, and only one half of the couple.

I seriously doubt those jobs are that well paid that the employers are entitled to say who their employees can be friends with.

There isn't a neat correlation between pay and rules.

Personally I can imagine all sorts of scenarios that would be a headache for your business and it's reputation if staff "befriended" and pursued contact with guests of the opposite sex, esp halves of married couples (but anyone really).
Esp when it's men who tend to be rather sex motivated/oriented.

The last two summers we have been at this sort of hotel, with the same sort of entertainment team. The team work incredibly hard, they are organising activities all day and then in the evening they are either performing at the show, or milling around the bar chatting and getting people up to dance. It is their JOB.

Lots of these guys (and women) do this sort of thing year round, Med in the summer, Caribbean over winter. The team at the hotel we stayed at this summer were mostly from teh Dominican Republic. Yes they were chatty and flirty and knew how to make guests feel special but there was a line which they most definitely did not cross. I don't think OP did anything wrong, and I don't think the Greek guy did either. He spotted someone not enjoying her holiday and stressed with the kids, and helped her out.

I think this was a gift from the universe telling you that you and your kids deserve so much better than the falling down drunk you're married to.

Working hard is just an excuse. Many people work very hard and much harder than your H and they don't drink at all. Your H spent the holiday ignoring all of you and drowning himself in a bottle the entire time.

The fella doesn't really matter as he was just a sign of what a normal guy is.

Seek out some counseling for yourself and have the courage to be honest with yourself that your H isn't a decent man and you don't have a good marriage.

I am so proud of you for having that conversation OP :)

Slightly concerned that stopping alcohol cold turkey is not the right approach but I don't know what is - you would probably need an alcoholics support organisations to advise on that.

Either way, you are sounding strong and decisive a real credit to the MN community . You.deserve better x