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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 02/08/2023 23:50

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:54

We have talked about what would happen if my salary is reduced - e.g. if I go on maternity leave, or need to work part time for a bit. He said we can adjust the amount I pay towards bills and the mortgage. (It would be nuts if he insisted that I keep paying the same amount!).

Adjust to what - zero, to reflect your (assumed) reduced income on maternity leave, and the costs associated with have a child/children? His starting position is questionable to say the least.

warning: it will only get worse.

Pandor · 02/08/2023 23:53

@RealisticGuy i don’t recognise your idea of marriage at all. I earn about £175k, my wife earns about £40k. That means our family earns about £215k. That’s our money, because we’re married - we made a very significant legal decision and we made a vow in front of families and friends to join our lives together.

The idea that I should be able to swan around spending more on myself than she can spend on herself feels absolutely abhorrent. That’s not a marriage as far as I’m concerned - I couldn’t live like that.

Original poster
Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/08/2023 23:54

Aquaphant I would tell him to shove his spreadsheet up his miserable tight arse as he sounds awful. How is he in other areas of your marriage. If he popped into get something in the shop would he ask you for half the cost.

Realistic guy is deluded and probably lives in a basement on his own and dreams up these little delusions to keep him happy or else he is a tight sexist man.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/08/2023 23:57

Hi Batima Is that not embarrassing when he does that and do you not call him out on it. It is nice to treat him and for him not always to pay but because he has so much more income left over he should be able to treat you more. Sort this out before you have children and about childcare payment as it could and will end up with you not having enough money to buy things for yourself and any future children.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:57

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

Oh. My. Fucking. Lord.

pizzaHeart · 02/08/2023 23:58

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

yeah and all other wives are very happy about this …
Of course he would say that! It’s like a teen saying that all his friends are allowed unlimited alcohol.

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 00:01

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

Jesus Christ.

It's heartbreaking you've wanted to stay with such a nasty bloke OP.

Can you imagine being as selfish and cruel as him?

Nobody is perfect but there are few things worse when making relationship decisions than spending your life with someone fundamentally unkind.

Please don't do that.

Codlingmoths · 03/08/2023 00:03

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 22:51

YoBeaches

Thank you for presuming that I know nothing about inequity. Of course I bow to your superior knowledge and understanding because you of course must know far more than I.

However whilst I still am allowed an opinion (free speech and all) I will continue to believe that a women (or man for that matter) should not expect to have the same lifestyle, spending money, savings as a man (or women) who earns three times their salary purely because they are partners/married and if said person wants to have the same (equity) then they need to work the same to earn the same.

The comments in here …. “I like a generous man 🤮” “my husband earns 10/100 times more than me but it’s all joint money 🤮” continue to perpetuate the women = victim / subservient.

It is interesting that the few women in here who have declared they out earn the partner have all but 1 state they keep their own money too

I suppose I thought that goes without saying!! I earn 30-50% more than my husband, and everything is joint. I’m about to get my bonus and we will put it on the home loan and talk about if we can use any of it for a holiday. But you carry on wiht your confirmation bias.

Codlingmoths · 03/08/2023 00:04

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

You’re not married. He didn’t mean any of those vows he made so it’s not a real marriage. I hope that’s the last holiday you take with him unless he has a complete change of heart (unlikely).

AlbertaAnnie · 03/08/2023 00:05

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:57

Oh. My. Fucking. Lord.

Show quote history

Indeed. I’m cringing 😬
what a cheap cockwomble!
this isn’t right op - and definitely not fair. It’s like a roommate not a husband.

Zipidydodah · 03/08/2023 00:06

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

Okay …..seems there is a huge drip feed here.

OP- That’s not ok and is just weird!

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 00:07

@Zipidydodah

It is interesting that the few women in here who have declared they out earn the partner have all but 1 state they keep their own money too

Eh? No they haven't!

WomanHereHear · 03/08/2023 00:15

Honestly OP why are you lowering yourself like this?

I’m sure the money attracted you to him as you don’t seem very angry about how he treats you.

Now that you know he’s not going to share his wealth with you, is he still so attractive? What are his redeeming features? Because everything you’ve written about him would put most women off. Unless you’re hoping he starts to share this wealth with you. But you know you’re kidding yourself don’t you? You have to ask yourself why he married someone who earned significantly less than him? Really ask yourself, why he didn’t marry someone on an equal footing financially seeing as he wants to do 50/50 so badly. You know why, cos he wants to control you and it makes him feel like the big man for earning so much so he can keep controlling you, making you feel you’ve married such a catch.

you know, there are women stuck in these relationships because of kids, feeling trapped etc, forced/family pressure. You are lucky you have none of that to worry about, you could just find a regular guy who earns a normal amount and feel more respected. There is more to life than this. Of course there are plenty of high earners that share their wealth properly, i am married to one.

so you have two choices really, you can put up and shut up or you can start getting angry and start commanding some respect for yourself. Because when you have kids it’ll be you doing everything for free, or you’ll be spending all your money on childcare, if he even ‘allows’ you to work because you don’t have to work do you? After all big balls here earns enough doesn’t he! Your choice Op but you can trust be it’ll be a whole lot worse when you have kids. It’s a shame you can’t seem to stand up for yourself, maybe you just don’t want to rock the boat incase he dumps you. Who knows.

WomanHereHear · 03/08/2023 00:20

I honestly hope you’re not the same poster who asked on here several weeks ago whether she should spend some huge gifted amount on the deposit when her husband earned far more. He sounded exactly like your husband and everyone told OP to not do it so I really hope you didn’t give in.

Anxioys · 03/08/2023 00:20

Don't have children. A man like this will nickel and dime the cost.

Depending on the length of your marriage you might actually be better off divorced. If this man loves you he's an idiot.

Original poster
Batima · 03/08/2023 00:26

I of course called him out on splitting the bill in the restaurant@WomanHereHear. I said it was very odd to do that when married, and also that it made me feel sad.

And no, that poster was not me.

OP posts:
Stillcantbebothered · 03/08/2023 00:27

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

please don’t have kids with him until this mess is sorted either by making changes to how you share and manage your money or going your separate ways.

fullbloom87 · 03/08/2023 00:32

Sorry I hate to use this MN phrase but in this case it's the only phrase that fits...if my husband split the restaurant bill in 2 my vagina would shrivel up.

WomanHereHear · 03/08/2023 00:33

Batima · 03/08/2023 00:26

I of course called him out on splitting the bill in the restaurant@WomanHereHear. I said it was very odd to do that when married, and also that it made me feel sad.

And no, that poster was not me.

Ok I’m glad that wasn’t you as by the end of it she said she would not cough up for the deposit and was questioning the relationship. Please think very wisely from now on wrt kids, childcare, domestic stuff, if he will be doing 50/50 with that. I’m currently looking for a nanny, they’re expensive, they only look after children, they don’t do housework unless they want to, you have to pay someone separately for that and all the other stuff you’ll be doing for free, allowing him to progress further and further at work whilst you’re raising the kids he pressuring you to have sooner than you probably had in mind. If he wants to do 50/50 then bill him for all the other services too or only cook for yourself and the kids. He is laughing all the way to the bank having his skivvy at home while he does the ‘important’ job. Just don’t be a mug if you do stay with him. You will feel humiliated every day.

heartofglass23 · 03/08/2023 00:39

This is financial abuse.

Don't even start with take home as he will be making huge pension payments out of his top line.

You earn a fifth not a third of your total income so you should be paying 1/5 of all joint costs.

But this is only if you do an equal share of childcare/chores. If he is 'expecting' you to do extra he should be giving you more from his pot to compensate.

You should also both have an equal amount going into savings every month.

NutellaNut · 03/08/2023 01:53

You split the bills in a restaurant with your own husband??? He’s treating you like a casual date, not his wife!

After what you’ve said, I’d be very worried about having kids with someone like this. It does not bode well for the future if it all goes pear shaped, as you’ll be in a very difficult position financially.

This happened to a friend of mine - her banker husband earned 10k a month, she was a part-time teaching assistant. When they eventually split up, he paid her the bare minimum he could get away with in child maintenance and she went from a 5 bed house to a 2 bed terrace. Prior to splitting up, he was also funny with money and used to go out and blow big money cars, a jet ski or whatever he fancied, just because he could. A worrying trait.

hollyblueivy · 03/08/2023 03:13

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

If you can afford it then he absolutely can also afford to pay more given his significant increased earnings - surely the same argument goes the other way - He should just pay it!!!

Rainbowqueeen · 03/08/2023 05:05

What did he say when you called him out about splitting the bill in the restaurant OP?

Everyone has different ideas and ways of doing things in a marriage but to me the fundamentals are the same for all. Marriage is an agreement to be bound together. You are supposed to be supporting each other, not just financially but emotionally and with day to day life. Over the course of the marriage the amount of support each partner needs will ebb and flow.

Your H is viewing this as purely transactional and purely financial. He knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. He doesn’t seem to take account of or value any other contribution. Are household tasks split 50-50? Does he bend over backwards to make sure they are?

Id take some time to consider if this is really how you want to live. Having DC will only make things worse. You could look at counselling but that is generally not advised if one person is abusive. There is an American finance guru called Ramit Sethi who has a podcast Netflix show and book all called I will teach you to be rich. He advocated splitting costs proportionately and having a shared vision for your life as a couple. Have a look and see if any of his advice would get through to your H. But also consider walking away.

Wishing you all the best.

Weedoormatnomore · 03/08/2023 06:13

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

But @Batima if you read the split @RealisticGuy gave he is doing it 4/5 him and 1/5 his wife, your doing 1/3 and 2/3 which is not fair. Everyone does it differently it's more about it working for you both which yours ain't as your not happy !
My DH earns a lot more than me but everything goes into a shared account. I do a lot more of the house work kids etc so it balances out.
Does your DH help in the house?