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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
Bigburger · 02/08/2023 23:13

No. It's not fair at all.
When you marry you enter into a partnership. This includes a financial partnership. You don't live a flush life and leave your marital partner with no money.

The way it should be done is that you each have an EQUAL amount of individual disposable income each month and the rest is shared/family money/savings.

SaleOfTwoTitties · 02/08/2023 23:14

Sadly, I don't think the op is going to sort this, and the amount of men who continuously post about their own skewed beliefs is only making it worse.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 23:17

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:54

We have talked about what would happen if my salary is reduced - e.g. if I go on maternity leave, or need to work part time for a bit. He said we can adjust the amount I pay towards bills and the mortgage. (It would be nuts if he insisted that I keep paying the same amount!).

You are walking into a situation where you have to use up what savings you do have to fund your maternity leave and things for the baby

Then you will find that you "cant" go back to work because its not worth it because child care costs more than your income. And you would only be able to get a job that fits in with school hours anyway because he's far too busy and his job is too important to do the drop offs, pick ups and covering when the child is off sick.

Meanwhile you are wearing old clothes and scrapping around for things for the baby whilst he still has all his savings

He treats you like a skivvy who should do all the housework etc including picking his clothes up from wherever he leaves them because he "is working hard to provide" without doing the actual providing

He will not treat you with respect. This may continue forever, or he may leave you or you may leave him. In either of the latter two options you are left with no career, a struggle to get a job that fits around childcare because he will just get them every other weekend and maybe dinner one night a week. He may go self employed to avoid CMS or if you do get maintenence he will treat you like a gold digger and act like he is financing your lifestyle.

He may of course do none of these things. But have a read through the relationships board because this is a very common senario and they all start with a man who thinks that a person's worth in the marriage is dictated by the salary they earn.

Pallisers · 02/08/2023 23:17

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:54

We have talked about what would happen if my salary is reduced - e.g. if I go on maternity leave, or need to work part time for a bit. He said we can adjust the amount I pay towards bills and the mortgage. (It would be nuts if he insisted that I keep paying the same amount!).

Tell him you will of course be charging him for the pregnancy and childbirth. After all he can't expect to just get a child while sitting on his arse doing nothing can he? - how is it fair that he benefits from your literal labour?

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:19

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 22:51

YoBeaches

Thank you for presuming that I know nothing about inequity. Of course I bow to your superior knowledge and understanding because you of course must know far more than I.

However whilst I still am allowed an opinion (free speech and all) I will continue to believe that a women (or man for that matter) should not expect to have the same lifestyle, spending money, savings as a man (or women) who earns three times their salary purely because they are partners/married and if said person wants to have the same (equity) then they need to work the same to earn the same.

The comments in here …. “I like a generous man 🤮” “my husband earns 10/100 times more than me but it’s all joint money 🤮” continue to perpetuate the women = victim / subservient.

It is interesting that the few women in here who have declared they out earn the partner have all but 1 state they keep their own money too

Working the same to earn the same isn't equity. That is equal pay for equal work. Nice court case in the news this week about that.

Equity is in a relationship where each persons desires and ambitions can be achieved reasonably without clocking off a list of hours worked and pay rates. Rooms cleaned, meals cooked, kids washed. Who did what and how much was it worth? Where no one factor allows one person to dominate, such as keeping savings for oneself and leaving the other vulnerable, as in this OP.

Equality references each partner earning the same and contributing the same.

We don't have equality, so instead a system of % calculations takes place to create perception of fairness, but in the absence of equality in can never be fair. No equal opportunity. No equal pay. The motherhood penalty. most women will
Never earn more than 50% of their husbands salary and not because they are lazy or don't work hard or need to do better. But because patriarchy..

Equity - Resources are pooled and shared to achieve that equity of life - life together sealed legally through marriage. Supposedly for life.

Don't kid yourselves that your higher earning partner 'deserves' more than you do in your life partnerships. It's just a career choice at the end of the day. We don't all have the same opportunities.

Dibbydoos · 02/08/2023 23:19

Sorry how can that be fair?

He earns 4x your salary, he can pay 4x more than you. Change the maths you need some spare cash. I honestly hate financial arrangements like this, it's outrageous!

My DH looked after the kids, we both had the same amount of 'spends' every month.

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 23:21

RealisticGuy · 02/08/2023 23:13

@monsteramunch touch a nerve there did I 😂

I couldn’t care less what my wife earns as long as she is happy. I’m responsible for making enough money to do the things I want to in life and I earn enough to treat her to the things she likes too. But I think it’s important people also provide some of those things for themselves also, you appreciate them more when you have earned them yourself.

So why do you refer to being the one who treats their partner as 'a gentleman's role' rather than the higher earner's role?

You say you think you touched a nerve. I guess so but not in the way you think. I'm the higher earner in our home. As far as I'm concerned, we are a team here so financially I don't expect him to contribute 50:50 because that would leave him out of pocket compared to me, and I love him and value our life together more than my pocket. And I don't think having a penis should assign you a particular role or duty when it comes to finances in the relationship. Because I see male and female partners as equals in healthy relationships.

The nerve touched is that I'm not a fan of sexism 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 23:23

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

He 'can afford to pay' for your shared meals and I'm sure they add up to a perfectly 'reasonable amount' per month. So based on his own reasoning, he's a hypocrite.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 23:25

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

Does your DH ever go along with your point of view on anything finance related? Or is it always his way? Because its not just about money, marriage is also about compromise. Not having it all your own way regardless.

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:27

RealisticGuy · 02/08/2023 23:13

@monsteramunch touch a nerve there did I 😂

I couldn’t care less what my wife earns as long as she is happy. I’m responsible for making enough money to do the things I want to in life and I earn enough to treat her to the things she likes too. But I think it’s important people also provide some of those things for themselves also, you appreciate them more when you have earned them yourself.

If you earned 30k and she 150k, you'd care. Especially when she tells you you'll appreciate things a bit more if you buy them yourself, but she'll treat you now and again.

Twat.

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 23:29

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

If you are not happy with this arrangement and feel (like the majority of women on the thread) that you should live in a 3K month house but want it entirely funded by your partner then you need to leave and find a man that is happy to do just that. Then you’ll get the lifestyle that you want paid for by the new man and you will presumably be happy with this arrangement

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2023 23:29

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

That is so awful when you have funded the deposit

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 23:30

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 23:21

So why do you refer to being the one who treats their partner as 'a gentleman's role' rather than the higher earner's role?

You say you think you touched a nerve. I guess so but not in the way you think. I'm the higher earner in our home. As far as I'm concerned, we are a team here so financially I don't expect him to contribute 50:50 because that would leave him out of pocket compared to me, and I love him and value our life together more than my pocket. And I don't think having a penis should assign you a particular role or duty when it comes to finances in the relationship. Because I see male and female partners as equals in healthy relationships.

The nerve touched is that I'm not a fan of sexism 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

But come on, you have to give him credit, he implied you were being emotional when you disagreed with him, that's like the first rule of being a gentleman

I'm suprised he didn't go the whole hog and imply you were clearly on your period and women don't have the brains for logical thinking that men have and we should just bow to their superior intelligence

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:30

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

It isn't for him to decide what you can afford though. That for you to decide.

To live somewhere nice? Move. Move somewhere that suits your budget not his.

OP. This is not a healthy or safe relationship long term. I hope you can see how vulnerable you are. He is controlling.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 23:31

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 23:29

If you are not happy with this arrangement and feel (like the majority of women on the thread) that you should live in a 3K month house but want it entirely funded by your partner then you need to leave and find a man that is happy to do just that. Then you’ll get the lifestyle that you want paid for by the new man and you will presumably be happy with this arrangement

Show quote history

You seem to have missed the point that the OP paid substantially more of the deposit than the DH - he has some ground to make up here to be 50/50 in the first place, not her

NoSquirrels · 02/08/2023 23:33

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:21

My husband doesn't agree with the principle that our contributions should be proportionate to what we earn - unlike @RealisticGuy

So, for the mortgage, he wanted me to pay a third (1k per month). I said to him I thought I should pay less, so that it's more proportionate. His argument was that I can afford 1k, and that's a reasonable amount to pay each month to live somewhere nice, so I should just pay it.

That’s fucking ridiculous logic.

How about you tell him that you don’t agree?

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 23:35

Nope I haven’t missed that at all. If the OP wants the difference paid back, then she should ask for it to be so and arrange how this happens. This should have been agreed at the outset along with the % payment agreement but if it wasn’t it needs to be rectified now

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 23:36

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 23:35

Nope I haven’t missed that at all. If the OP wants the difference paid back, then she should ask for it to be so and arrange how this happens. This should have been agreed at the outset along with the % payment agreement but if it wasn’t it needs to be rectified now

And the easiest way to rectify it is she pays less towards the mortgage per month and he pays more. But he has rejected that.

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 23:37

@Zipidydodah

If you are not happy with this arrangement and feel (like the majority of women on the thread) that you should live in a 3K month house but want it entirely funded by your partner then you need to leave and find a man that is happy to do just that. Then you’ll get the lifestyle that you want paid for by the new man and you will presumably be happy with this arrangement

Entirely funded by her partner? Firstly, she hasn't said she wants that. Secondly, they got that house in part due to her paying much more towards the deposit...

YoBeaches · 02/08/2023 23:41

OP how do you own the house? Do you know? Are you tenants in common or joint tenants?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/08/2023 23:42

He sounds like a tight git, he expects you to split bills on eating out and holidays. What if you have children, will he leave you on low maternity leave money and expect you to still pay so much. Does he do half the housework etc. Does he buy himself lots of nice things while you cannot. There should be a joint account where there is money for both to spend as you are meant to be a family. Ask him for the extra money back that you paid for the deposit. Do not have children until this is all worked out or you will be expected to pay all the childcare. Does he never treat you to a meal out or nice things or is it always split. Take advice from the women on here who have experience and about the future as he sounds like someone who would leave you stuck financially if things go wrong.

Pallisers · 02/08/2023 23:43

If you are not happy with this arrangement and feel (like the majority of women on the thread) that you should live in a 3K month house but want it entirely funded by your partner then you need to leave and find a man that is happy to do just that. Then you’ll get the lifestyle that you want paid for by the new man and you will presumably be happy with this arrangement

The OP didn't say one word about wanting to live in a 3K a month house. Maybe she was pushed into a higher mortgage by the higher earner - that prince, her husband - and it doesn't suit her at all to have to put so much money into a mortgage (if we are just making shit up, that is equally likely). She has a perfectly decent salary and doesn't need a man to fund her. What she also doesn't need is the person who is supposed to love her most in the world being happy to metaphorically eat steak while she has a small portion of minced meat.

As always, when I read these threads (if I am to believe posters believe what they post) I am astonished at people's idea of what marriage is - something like a house share with sex thrown in. I suppose it explains the divorce rate.

And no, I didn't have my husband fund my lifestyle and he didn't have me fund his - even though at times we each significantly out-earned the other.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/08/2023 23:46

Surely your salaries go into the same account, you pay ALL the bills and divert an amount to savings and the rest is split between you to do with as you wish. At least that is what I'd expect.

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/08/2023 23:47

To add, I am not sure I'd be happy in a marriage where you're sitting in a restaurant and dividing the bill. You're married. That is utterly bizarre to me.