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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
Weedoormatnomore · 03/08/2023 06:18

@Batima opps sorry missed your post saying dh didn't want it split proportional to earnings.

FOJN · 03/08/2023 06:54

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

WTF

I cannot even imagine being married to someone who thought splitting the bill in a restaurant was acceptable. I wonder how much pleasure there is in sharing a meal with someone whilst worrying about how you're going to split the bill to make sure your spouse knows you won't "fund their lifestyle". That mindset is beyond sad.

OP your husband is a miser. I agree with PP he knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. He is treating the marriage contract like a business arrangement and he's determined to make sure he gets the better return.

I imagine you have dozens of other examples of bizarre miserly behaviour. He will not change. Was he like this before you married and bought a house together?

Please, please do not bring children into this relationship.

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 06:59

Wimpeyspread · 02/08/2023 15:01

This isn’t a partnership, it’s a house share. The point of getting married is to become a family, money should be family money

This

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 07:04

Viviennemary · 02/08/2023 15:25

Up to him what he does with his money. He doesnt choose to share it all with you. You are still better off financially than if you lived on your own.

Er... no. Thats not how a good marriage should work.

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 07:07

Babyroobs · 02/08/2023 17:39

We have separate accounts and dh has a lot more savings than me but it was inheritance from his parents so I think maybe it is different. I sometimes think it's crazy and say to him that if he died suddenly I would have to put his funeral on a credit card !

You wouldnt because his savings would be yours

imisscashmere · 03/08/2023 07:08

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

This makes me so sad to read.

fwiw, I’m a SAHP with zero income. I have access to almost all the money my DH brings home each month, as well as a large portion of his savings. If I referred to any of it as “his” money (which I have done in the past) he would correct me that it is “our” money.

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 07:09

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

Sorry this is in no way normal.

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 07:13

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

I could not be married to this person.

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 07:29

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

That's horrible. And in no way normal. I'd have been shocked to see that if I'd been there.

ThePoetsWife · 03/08/2023 07:40

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:54

We have talked about what would happen if my salary is reduced - e.g. if I go on maternity leave, or need to work part time for a bit. He said we can adjust the amount I pay towards bills and the mortgage. (It would be nuts if he insisted that I keep paying the same amount!).

Would he really? I don't think you can trust him - and how much would it be reduced by given you're already paying way more than your fair share.

Really you should be pooling all money together and treating it as family money.

Codlingmoths · 03/08/2023 07:40

I feel sorry for realisticguy. If he’s telling t he truth about his circle/colleagues, it must be hard to know what’s normal when everyone around you is a comfortably off, extremely entitled absolute wanker. Fortunately, everyone around me is a reasonable human being who sees their relationship as a partnership and I think anyone who confessed to that kind of arrangement would get blank faced shock from the room. Followed by general extreme judgement, and sympathy for the spouse.

Ambi · 03/08/2023 07:51

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:23

@RealisticGuy , you say:

Most of my colleagues are in the same position as myself and the OP and this arrangement is perfectly normal.

And

In my income bracket, the situation the OP is in, is the norm. I don’t know of a single colleague that does things differently either.

My husband also tells me that our arrangement is completely normal. And that lots of couples have arrangements like this.

Lots of people do have this arrangement, like my parents where my Dad was a director and my Mum a PT nurse. Yes he paid the bills and sent her some housekeeping but his money was his to waste and she had to budget for every single thing. We lived in a big fancy house and luxury holidays and ate tesco value food. Obviously I thought my DPs were frugal from their wc upbringing, I didn't understand the financial abuse going on.
She divorced him in her 50s, he didn't understand what he'd done wrong and didn't like that she was entitled to 50% of his pension. She's so happy right now.

imisscashmere · 03/08/2023 08:09

Ambi · 03/08/2023 07:51

Lots of people do have this arrangement, like my parents where my Dad was a director and my Mum a PT nurse. Yes he paid the bills and sent her some housekeeping but his money was his to waste and she had to budget for every single thing. We lived in a big fancy house and luxury holidays and ate tesco value food. Obviously I thought my DPs were frugal from their wc upbringing, I didn't understand the financial abuse going on.
She divorced him in her 50s, he didn't understand what he'd done wrong and didn't like that she was entitled to 50% of his pension. She's so happy right now.

Show quote history

I’m so happy to hear the happy ending here!

RealisticGuy · 03/08/2023 08:21

The splitting the bill in a restaurant is disgusting.

There are an awful lot of assumptions here though. We have no idea what the deposit was, is a huge difference, 10k or 50k. At 10k he would have outmatched that in 10 months of payments.

The more information we hear though, the more I agree that he does seem like a miser. Which I completely disagree with. One partner in the marriage should never be struggling.

My best mate, out earns his wife a bit but not anywhere near as significant a difference but still say 60k to 30k.

They put all their money into one pot and the grief he gets any time he spends money on himself is unbelievable.

His wife is never done buying stuff for the house, spoiling the kids etc and in her eyes would rarely treat herself, even though he doesn’t want to constantly be improving the house and wants to indulge some of the money into a hobby. Causes them no amount of disagreements. He works a lot more than she does and is a very hands on dad.

My parents were the same, my dad out earned my mum by a good bit. The grief he got when he wanted to change his car etc was unbelievable. Hence I never want to live like that. I make sure I am paying significantly more of the bills and that my wife has no struggles.

But I am the one that made my success before we ever met, I valued that for myself.

My wife doesn’t value that, she prefers to work 3/4 days weeks and have a much more relaxed pace in life.

My earnings facilitate that choice for her but still allow her a good home, good travel, a nice car and enough money to indulge in her hobbies and interests. My earnings and investments ensure she will have a comfortable retirement and is set for life. I don’t see how it unreasonable that I am not splitting my income 50/50 when those are life choices she has made.

Married or not, people still need to take responsibility for their financial situation. The fact some women here are encouraging her to divorce him and take 50% of everything is hypocrisy.

Catlover100 · 03/08/2023 08:33

If both parties are happy with an arrangement in their marriage that's fine, I think the issue here is that the OP isn't and feels like things aren't being arranged fairly.
Reading some of the messages though I do wonder why some posters got married in the first place and didn't just co-habit?

Marrying someone does change things and assets become joint assets whether you like it or not. If you don't want that to happen then just don't get married.

All this "my money" "his/her money" is nonsense in the eyes of the law.

OP - your original post says you have no savings, in reality you have 50% of your spouse's savings, whether he likes it or not.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 03/08/2023 08:52

So you're paying over half your wage on bills and he's not even paying a third? Split it proportionately

Viviennemary · 03/08/2023 08:53

I would like to know the proportion of marriages with a similar set up. Perhaps with not such a difference in income. But separate finanaces seem more the norm these days than in the past. The price of liberation I suppose.

TedMullins · 03/08/2023 08:57

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 07:29

That's horrible. And in no way normal. I'd have been shocked to see that if I'd been there.

Show quote history

eh? Why is that horrible? My partner and I do this every time we go out. People split the bill and pay separately all the time, are you saying every time you witness this you’re shocked?

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 09:00

TedMullins · 03/08/2023 08:57

eh? Why is that horrible? My partner and I do this every time we go out. People split the bill and pay separately all the time, are you saying every time you witness this you’re shocked?

Show quote history

If you're married yes. It's highlighting that what should be one family unit is not working like that at all. It's really odd. I'm far from the only poster to say so.

FOJN · 03/08/2023 09:08

RealisticGuy · 03/08/2023 08:21

The splitting the bill in a restaurant is disgusting.

There are an awful lot of assumptions here though. We have no idea what the deposit was, is a huge difference, 10k or 50k. At 10k he would have outmatched that in 10 months of payments.

The more information we hear though, the more I agree that he does seem like a miser. Which I completely disagree with. One partner in the marriage should never be struggling.

My best mate, out earns his wife a bit but not anywhere near as significant a difference but still say 60k to 30k.

They put all their money into one pot and the grief he gets any time he spends money on himself is unbelievable.

His wife is never done buying stuff for the house, spoiling the kids etc and in her eyes would rarely treat herself, even though he doesn’t want to constantly be improving the house and wants to indulge some of the money into a hobby. Causes them no amount of disagreements. He works a lot more than she does and is a very hands on dad.

My parents were the same, my dad out earned my mum by a good bit. The grief he got when he wanted to change his car etc was unbelievable. Hence I never want to live like that. I make sure I am paying significantly more of the bills and that my wife has no struggles.

But I am the one that made my success before we ever met, I valued that for myself.

My wife doesn’t value that, she prefers to work 3/4 days weeks and have a much more relaxed pace in life.

My earnings facilitate that choice for her but still allow her a good home, good travel, a nice car and enough money to indulge in her hobbies and interests. My earnings and investments ensure she will have a comfortable retirement and is set for life. I don’t see how it unreasonable that I am not splitting my income 50/50 when those are life choices she has made.

Married or not, people still need to take responsibility for their financial situation. The fact some women here are encouraging her to divorce him and take 50% of everything is hypocrisy.

Fuck me, what part of "this thread isn't about you", do you not understand"?

A man has arrived to tell us that splitting the bill is tight and perhaps we're right and the man is a miser.

You should check out the research on the differences between what men and women think constitutes financial abuse in a relationship. Men think they are financially abused if they don't have enough money to spend on beer and women think it's if they can't afford to buy food.

Your mate whose a "hands on dad", ask him what shoes size his children wear and how long he thinks it will be before they need to be measured again or which dentist his kids are registered with and when their next check up is due. I bet good money he hasn't got a clue, that kind of grunt work is left to mums.

TedMullins · 03/08/2023 09:09

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 09:00

If you're married yes. It's highlighting that what should be one family unit is not working like that at all. It's really odd. I'm far from the only poster to say so.

Show quote history

How can you possibly know who’s married though if you see people doing it? I’m really surprised people are horrified by it, it’s very normal in my world. My partner is the lower earner but is even more militant about splitting 50/50 than I am.

DappledThings · 03/08/2023 09:16

TedMullins · 03/08/2023 09:09

How can you possibly know who’s married though if you see people doing it? I’m really surprised people are horrified by it, it’s very normal in my world. My partner is the lower earner but is even more militant about splitting 50/50 than I am.

Show quote history

I meant if I was out with that poster, so I knew them and knew they were married. Not random people on a nearby table.

pinkyredrose · 03/08/2023 09:27

Op did you ringfence your deposit? Otherwise he's benefitting from your grandmother's money.

randomuser2019 · 03/08/2023 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

ihadamarveloustime · 03/08/2023 10:27

Stop making excuses for him, OP

He is elevating his lifestyle unfairly at your expense.

You wouldn't have chosen to spend so much if it was just you. Proportionally IS fair. Just because you could technically scrape the £1k together every month doesn't mean you should when it's completely disproportionate between your two salaries. He's taking the piss. and he knows it.

Again, you do NOT want to have children with someone like this. Next he'll be telling you that because he earns more, he shouldn't have to do as much childcare or housework.

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