Page 7 | Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

Batima · 2023-08-02T13:55:21+00:00

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills. My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine. Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3). We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3. For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50. We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share. He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month. He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

strawberry2017 · 02/08/2023 22:39

It should all be family money if your planning a family. If he doesn't see that then you should not have having children with this man.
If you cannot agree on finances then it's a dangerous relationship to be in. It's abuse.
I really hope you ring fenced your deposit. I would be selling up, divorcing and finding someone who actually respects me.

RealisticGuy · 02/08/2023 22:40

To be fair, I cover all our meals out and holidays etc too. I see that as a gentleman’s role though.

She would pay for a meal at my birthday etc but other than that I wouldn’t want her spending it.

I think you could perhaps split the monthly expenses a little more but combining both wages and splitting evenly when the gap is so skewed in one direction isn’t fair at all.

Wenfy · 02/08/2023 22:41

The guy’s a twat but you absolutely need to play him at his own game - make sure you split household chores by the same ratio. If you do more than him charge him.

Jk987 · 02/08/2023 22:41

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 18:03

I don’t believe that I should be subsidising a partner or spouse to the extent that they have the same disposable income as me.

I can only assume people who think this either wrote their own vows or left out the "for richer for poorer" part of their wedding vows?

Because otherwise what's the point of making a vow if you fully intend on breaking it if it doesn't go your way?

I can only assume they don't expect to be looked after, and potentially financially supported by their spouse if the "in sickness" part of the vows kick in.

Do people still make these vows? They sound old fashioned and I thought people did their own vows these days if they choose to get married.

Codlingmoths · 02/08/2023 22:41

I would say you think it’s fair that I have no savings, I don’t. There is absolutely no way I can think about having children with you and further harming my ability to earn an income. I am also not going on any more holidays with you while I build some savings. I really regret putting my inheritance into our house, it’s clear you would never be so generous with me and us, just with you. And the double standards are really making me look at you differently.
then don’t get into it. This is your position - what’s to discuss? You’ve made it clear you don’t plan to share finances in our marriage so I have to prioritise my ability to earn an income. No babies.

and if he says others do it, you say: good for them- others also don’t do it that way and that doesn’t make you think you are wrong. Go marry your like minded friends then.

caringcarer · 02/08/2023 22:42

Batima · 02/08/2023 18:02

Thanks all. It's reassuring to hear that many others think money should be shared in a marriage.

We don't have any kids, but he's keen that we try soon.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

I am not short of money and can afford what I need, and I live in a nice house - so it's not about having more money to spend, it's just that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it because it feels unfair.

We don't yet have a car. The other day we were discussing buying one, and I said that I'd assumed that we would jointly agree on big purchases like a car. But he said no - if he wants to go out and buy a fancy 20K car with with his own money, he can without my 'permission' - as long as he has paid his share of the bills and mortgage. He said he would ask my opinion though.

Don't have children with this man unless he changed his ways. If you are home on maternity leave will he expect you to pay your share to mortgage and bills? Would he do his 50 percent childcare or leave it all to you? Who would pay for nursery fees and drop the baby off and collect it every day? All of these things need to be agreed in advance. Plus if you are at home on mat leave will he contribute to your pension? Or will he be one to stay home so you can continue to work? If you end up stuck at home with a child you will have no financial security at all. Think about this. So he wants an expensive car but will expect you to have a cheap one. Nasty nasty man. He doesn't value you.

ihadamarveloustime · 02/08/2023 22:44

Of course your husband tells you that, OP. It's in his best interest to do so!

Most couples who are in it together don't, however. They ensure both halves are having the same life experience.

housingplanningquestion · 02/08/2023 22:48

Yeah, no. Don't have kids with him. It's a deeply unfair situation and he is quite comfortable with it. Would happily see you go without and dependent on him. This is only going to get exponentially worse if you have kids and are further dependent on him, and feel guilty about separating a family. Run run run.

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 22:51

YoBeaches

Thank you for presuming that I know nothing about inequity. Of course I bow to your superior knowledge and understanding because you of course must know far more than I.

However whilst I still am allowed an opinion (free speech and all) I will continue to believe that a women (or man for that matter) should not expect to have the same lifestyle, spending money, savings as a man (or women) who earns three times their salary purely because they are partners/married and if said person wants to have the same (equity) then they need to work the same to earn the same.

The comments in here …. “I like a generous man 🤮” “my husband earns 10/100 times more than me but it’s all joint money 🤮” continue to perpetuate the women = victim / subservient.

It is interesting that the few women in here who have declared they out earn the partner have all but 1 state they keep their own money too

SlipperyLizard · 02/08/2023 22:54

I earn almost 3x what my husband does, but we’ve pooled our money since we moved in together (and were earning similar amounts). We both work very hard, but his career pays less than mine (I’m very lucky).

I think OP’s position is the “norm” when the man is the higher earner, but thankfully women seem more able to understand the whole purpose of a partnership.

OP, don’t have kids with this man until he stops being a miser. It will only get worse if you take maternity leave or go part time.

Original poster

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:54

We have talked about what would happen if my salary is reduced - e.g. if I go on maternity leave, or need to work part time for a bit. He said we can adjust the amount I pay towards bills and the mortgage. (It would be nuts if he insisted that I keep paying the same amount!).

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2023 22:58

He's a prince among men isn't he

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 22:58

“FlamingYam”
I agree

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 22:59

@RealisticGuy

To be fair, I cover all our meals out and holidays etc too. I see that as a gentleman’s role though.

A gentleman's role? In 2023?

Not just what a decent partner does when they earn substantially more than their partner, regardless of who has a penis and who doesn't?

Making it a 'gentleman' thing rather than a loving partner thing is feeding the gender inequality patriarchy likes to simultaneously uphold but chastise women for.

Your comment re it being a gentleman's role suggests you wouldn't be happy to have a female partner who earns more than you and would see it as emasculating. After all, if she was a higher earner you wouldn't see it as her role to pay the lion's share of luxuries because that's a 'man thing' in your eyes. You sound as if you'd be threatened somehow by a woman who out earned you and was more than happy to be the breadwinner.

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 23:00

Batima · 02/08/2023 22:54

We have talked about what would happen if my salary is reduced - e.g. if I go on maternity leave, or need to work part time for a bit. He said we can adjust the amount I pay towards bills and the mortgage. (It would be nuts if he insisted that I keep paying the same amount!).

Adjust the amount? So he's on £5k a month plus a pot of savings and hasn't said that during maternity leave he wouldn't expect you to contribute? Goodness.

BMrs · 02/08/2023 23:01

Nope, absolutely not fair. Very similar earnings here to you because I work part time as we have a young family.

All income goes into a joint acct and all expenses come out do there too. We have joint savings acct and have the same spending money that we keep in individual Accts that we can use for anything we like.

If you're married I don't see why finances are so split. Seems an odd arrangement to me.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2023 23:01

"Adjust the amount?" Really? What a fucking charmer.

Why did he even bother to get married, and why on earth are you choosing to live like this?

coodawoodashooda · 02/08/2023 23:03

Ladybug14 · 02/08/2023 17:50

My view is that you are being abused by a very unpleasant man

I agree. I reckon the court would agree too.

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 23:07

Of course it should be different if you have children and you need to agree up front what the financial AND non financial workload should be for both of you. Apart from the the last bit of pregnancy where it of course need a to be split finance = him / pregnancy = you as he can’t do that bit, the rest needs to be spilt on a same basis as you finances. Whoever does more gets more. If you BOTH decide that you do more child care, then he needs to pay you for that. If you spilt it 50/50 (I really hope more and more people keep doing this) then you can go back
to work and split finances again

Crikeyalmighty · 02/08/2023 23:09

@Aquaphant I would divorce for that- he thinks it's a house share with you

Catchasingmewithspiders · 02/08/2023 23:10

Zipidydodah · 02/08/2023 22:51

YoBeaches

Thank you for presuming that I know nothing about inequity. Of course I bow to your superior knowledge and understanding because you of course must know far more than I.

However whilst I still am allowed an opinion (free speech and all) I will continue to believe that a women (or man for that matter) should not expect to have the same lifestyle, spending money, savings as a man (or women) who earns three times their salary purely because they are partners/married and if said person wants to have the same (equity) then they need to work the same to earn the same.

The comments in here …. “I like a generous man 🤮” “my husband earns 10/100 times more than me but it’s all joint money 🤮” continue to perpetuate the women = victim / subservient.

It is interesting that the few women in here who have declared they out earn the partner have all but 1 state they keep their own money too

It is interesting that the few women in here who have declared they out earn the partner have all but 1 state they keep their own money too

8 posters who out earn their DHs have said they pool the money
2 have said they split it proportionally
2 have said they expect 50/50

So no all but 1 do not state they keep their own money too

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2023 23:10

If he has huge savings he should it that into the mortgage to match what you put in , to even things out and also to bring down monthly payments

Why on earth are you splitting holidays 50/50 when he earns in a week more than you do all month!

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 23:10

OP I hope you don't end up here in a couple years talking about how you're down in the dumps with no money. I think your gut's trying to tell you something. Sort it out before adding kids to the mix.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/08/2023 23:13

Batima · 02/08/2023 18:02

Thanks all. It's reassuring to hear that many others think money should be shared in a marriage.

We don't have any kids, but he's keen that we try soon.

When I try to bring it up, he often tells me that I'm doing well out of being married to him.

I am not short of money and can afford what I need, and I live in a nice house - so it's not about having more money to spend, it's just that I'm feeling really uncomfortable about it because it feels unfair.

We don't yet have a car. The other day we were discussing buying one, and I said that I'd assumed that we would jointly agree on big purchases like a car. But he said no - if he wants to go out and buy a fancy 20K car with with his own money, he can without my 'permission' - as long as he has paid his share of the bills and mortgage. He said he would ask my opinion though.

He's only been able to save up because you've bought him a house deposit and he's living on your savings literally. How dare he. I really would insist he pays that into the house equity.

RealisticGuy · 02/08/2023 23:13

@monsteramunch touch a nerve there did I 😂

I couldn’t care less what my wife earns as long as she is happy. I’m responsible for making enough money to do the things I want to in life and I earn enough to treat her to the things she likes too. But I think it’s important people also provide some of those things for themselves also, you appreciate them more when you have earned them yourself.