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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
empireemmy · 26/08/2023 17:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the poster.

Original poster
Batima · 28/08/2023 16:49

Thanks all.

He is very firm on his position that he will not put any money into joint savings. His reason is that I should 'leave it with him to look after'.

But he has agreed 'as a compromise' to pay 3/4 of the mortgage, and to put a bit more into our joint account for bills/food/household items, but it would still be me paying 1/3, him paying 2/3. His take-home pay is 4x mine.

We both put money into the deposit, but I put £170k more than him because of an inheritance from my grandmother.

When I've tried to bring it up, he says I should be grateful he's compromised by putting more money into the joint account for bills etc, and that he's paying 3/4 of mortgage.

I don't feel I'm money-oriented and I'm not a big spender. But he's making me feel rubbish about this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Batima · 28/08/2023 16:59

... Was it too much to ask?

OP posts:
Philandbill · 28/08/2023 17:07

He's awful. Just horrible. Please don't trap yourself by having a baby with this man.

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 28/08/2023 17:11

Batima · 28/08/2023 16:59

... Was it too much to ask?

No it wasn't.

As pp just said don't trap yourself by having a child with this man. You are young and have a significant chunk of cash behind you once you extricate yourself from this marriage and this man.

You can move on swiftly from this. You won't have a happy life with a man like this.

WomanHereHear · 28/08/2023 17:17

Thanks for the updates OP, his response is not a surprise for any of us here. What are your next steps now that you know what he’s like?

housingplanningquestion · 28/08/2023 17:22

Is it possible he was keen to marry to for financial reasons, because he was aware of your inheritance. And was maybe always planning to exploit you. He is making minor concessions now because he sees that he has pushed it too far.

I expect he thinks that if you divorce he will get half the value of the house, but I think he's wrong, particularly if you had the inheritance before the relationship. Even if not, I don't think it would be hard to get your proportion back.

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, you don't deserve this at all. It's horrible to realise that perhaps he was never the person you thought he was, and never planned an equal partnership with you, whilst accepting your generosity. I really would suggest you see a solicitor to consider a divorce. He doesn't want you to have savings in your name - he is deliberately depriving you of the means to leave him. Having kids with this man would give him so much more power over you.

Tulpenkavalier · 28/08/2023 17:30

Please, please, PLEASE tell me you ringfenced your huge deposit! If have not done so, you MUST take legal advice as a matter of urgency.

Please do not let this slide. The longer you leave it, the greater the risk that you'll never see much of this money again if you were to divorce.

And please make sure your contraception is secure. You do not want to have children with this man. You would be trapped, without access to money, and he would make you pay for virtually everything child related.

In fact, in your shoes I would speak to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce. You'll never feel safe and happy with this man.

billy1966 · 28/08/2023 17:38

Tulpenkavalier · 28/08/2023 17:30

Please, please, PLEASE tell me you ringfenced your huge deposit! If have not done so, you MUST take legal advice as a matter of urgency.

Please do not let this slide. The longer you leave it, the greater the risk that you'll never see much of this money again if you were to divorce.

And please make sure your contraception is secure. You do not want to have children with this man. You would be trapped, without access to money, and he would make you pay for virtually everything child related.

In fact, in your shoes I would speak to a divorce lawyer and file for divorce. You'll never feel safe and happy with this man.

This.

You have made a huge mistake.

He is a con man, and boy have you been conned.

Richmondgal · 28/08/2023 18:00

you need to be investing heavily into a person
you are not in a marriage

Weedoormatnomore · 28/08/2023 18:34

The outcome is not a surprise at all! Really feel for you from what I read you only want a fair split which should be 1/5 you and 4/5 for him. After reading the deposit amount really hoping you have it ring fenced it will be worse when you have kids.
Apart from the money disagreement are you actually happy?

ImNotWorthy · 28/08/2023 18:53

He has rebuffed a suggestion from you about finances, and has made no counter-suggestion.

Even at a purely transactional level, this is not reasonable. Not only does he reject your suggestion, he is just re-iterating that his position is non-negotiable.

The only sensible thing to do, IMHO and IME, is to walk away from a situation like this, learn from it, and chalk it down to experience. You may or may not have to write off the money, but hopefully only after your solicitor has advised you how to fight for what is yours by right, and how much it might cost, and you've made a considered decision based on that advice.

AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 28/08/2023 21:12

It wasn't too much to ask at all. You locked away £170k into the house are now feeling insecure because you haven't got savings to give you a buffer should anything happened.

If you ask him to take you through his savings strategy, how would he react?

If you say you want to look at ways of retiring before state pension age as a couple, can he talk you through investments so could you achieve it between you, that might be an opener for a more constructive conversation (not that you should need it, but there's obviously something going on where). Then walk through investment flow charts (you can find one on ukpersonalfinance sub on another site) and ask him to take you through where you are as a couple compared to that.

If he baulks at talking to you about where his money is going, I'd be really worried that there is either risky behaviour on his part (high risk investments or gambling) or he is paying for OF or similar.

WyrdyGrob · 28/08/2023 21:22

he’s a nob.

id be very tempted to fire up a spreadsheet and calculate to the tenth of a penny what impact that huge deposit had on the joint cost of living. And then flatly refuse to contribute a single penny more on the mortgage until his monthly payments equaled the value of the deposit. Because that deposit could outright buy a small house in many places, so by his own logic, you shouldn’t pay because that money would have enabled you to be mortgage free in a smaller place.

So not only is he a nob… he’s lining his nest at your expense.

WyrdyGrob · 28/08/2023 21:24
  • edited to add a missing word!
Philandbill · 28/08/2023 21:30

WyrdyGrob · 28/08/2023 21:22

he’s a nob.

id be very tempted to fire up a spreadsheet and calculate to the tenth of a penny what impact that huge deposit had on the joint cost of living. And then flatly refuse to contribute a single penny more on the mortgage until his monthly payments equaled the value of the deposit. Because that deposit could outright buy a small house in many places, so by his own logic, you shouldn’t pay because that money would have enabled you to be mortgage free in a smaller place.

So not only is he a nob… he’s lining his nest at your expense.

Edited

First three words put it beautifully but further explanation also excellent. You've summed up the thread @WyrdyGrob

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 28/08/2023 22:04

Hmmm.
'Leave it with him to look after.'

This feels like he's subtly financially controlling you. You're married, but he's not treating your finances equally and in partnership. He's done very well with your contribution to the house deposit but is unwilling to reciprocate by sharing his 'spending money'.
What should be happening is both your salaries should be going into a joint account. You should have joint savings and the only thing that's separate is your 'spends' which you negotiate based on what you need to spend in the month. If he's unwilling to do that, you need to ask why.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 28/08/2023 22:06

@WyrdyGrob nailed it.

Mumof4plusbonus · 28/08/2023 22:23

He’s happy to have you put an extra 170 thousand into the house but won’t share his savings? How dare he. I would try to get that back out. He doesn’t respect you as an equal or a partner. I hope you get your inheritance back or that your share of his savings in the divorce cover it.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 28/08/2023 22:27

You need to get out of this - with you £170k, which is going to be tricky. You’ve already paid £170k of mortgage payments, by his logic he should be paying all of it until he’s built up equal equity. He won’t though, because he’s basically a conman.

he’s telling you who he is - listen before you get any deeper in. Please.

ihadamarveloustime · 28/08/2023 23:19

I sincerely hoped you ringfenced your £170k from your grandmother, OP. Seriously.

I would be seeking legal advice about getting out and getting it back ....

Codlingmoths · 29/08/2023 00:16

You should talk to a lawyer and see your chances of getting your grandmas inheritance back. There’s no point talking to him except to tell him what you have decided. Much like he talks to you every day.

FOJN · 29/08/2023 10:11

We both put money into the deposit, but I put £170k more than him because of an inheritance from my grandmother.

The OP's contribution to the deposit wasn't £170k it was £170k MORE than her husband's share.

You clearly have very different values and this man will keep you poor forever. You believe that in marriage what's yours is shared and he believes what's his is his and he does not want to share.

You're married to an MRA arsehole.

Leave now before children arrive. I hope you can get back your share of the deposit.

dotdotdotdash · 29/08/2023 10:21

Please don't have children with him and take legal advice with a view to ending the marriage.

ImNotWorthy · 29/08/2023 13:50

In case you are in Scotland, OP, the divorce laws there are different regarding inheritances acquired in marriage, and protect the legatee (to what extent I don't know).

In England, these day I think Family Courts do take into account legacies received during the last few years of marriage, in considering divorce settlements, but they aren't obliged to.

Further thoughts (I'm now editing) are that Family Court might consider that putting the £170K into the house was putting £170K into the marriage, and therefore part of the pot. Don't forget in the event of divorce with no children, both partners' money goes into the pot, yours and his. And is then divided by agreement - or by order of the Court.