Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

[Batima]

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

Absolutely, but I suspect whatever we say won't matter a jot with the original poster.

Agree with pp’s, unless you are going to stand up to him, starting multiple threads about him is not going to change your situation. It’s a waste of everyone’s time trying to give you good advice but you do nothing about it. You have a choice to change things for yourself but you are making the choice not to. That’s fine but I feel sorry for your future kids and believe me if things are this bad before kids, you haven’t seen anything yet. He’s not going to start respecting you later down the line, he’ll respect you even less for being a doormat and putting up with his nonsense.

I just don’t understand hanging around to be treated like this when there are no children to consider.

@Lovelybeansfromnextdoor you say:
At some point you need to GROW UP and tackle the situation you are in.

Wow. Judgement for not taking action right now.

And @WomanHereHear, you say you don't understand why I said divorce is scary. I'm pretty sure that it's scary for most people, whatever their situation, even when it's the right thing to do. You are also wondering why I've not done anything yet. But in fact I've been having multiple conversations with him, so you don't know the full story.

To everyone else - thanks for the further comments. And I'm sorry if it looked like I was asking the same question again. I didn't mean to - I was just trying to get an idea of the scale of how bad it is (quite bad / very bad). But thanks again for all the advice. It's much appreciated.

I don't think people can really understand how difficult it is for you if they have never been in your situation. You don't want to believe that your husband is financially abusing you, you wonder if your expectations are too high, you think to yourself, " he's not that bad, there are worse marriages" etc. I get it. I replied to you a while back now. I am you but with a child. I'm kind of trapped. It's taken me years to realise it. It sort of creeps up on you without you realising. I, too, had an inheritance, from my Mum. I put the whole lot into a deposit for a house, my husband put in nothing. I put in 60% of the house. I naively did not ring-fence the money, I didn't know any better, I assumed that's what married couples did. Now I have a child with special needs, I don't work. I want to leave but I don't have any money. I really want to urge you to act before you have kids. It's scary, but once you take that leap you're free. Free to enjoy life and be with someone who will treat you how you deserve to treated... cared and loved. Please talk to someone in real life, tell them what's happening, tell them how you feel. Please be under no illusions that your husband is a good man, he's not, he isn't going to get any better.

Proceed with caution re having children with him

Good advice! I regret marriage/children with a man who refused a joint account or to put me jointly on the house ownership. He paid all house bills. I paid for food and all consumables, including holidays. That was fine when I was earning full time, but after 3 children and only having a small income from a part time job, I was struggling. He continually refused to create a joint account. I used up all my savings, started buying everything at cheapest prices. Had to ask him frequently for cash. He might give me £20 if I asked and was lucky. I started stealing pound coins from his pocket change to help pay for things. It was a low thing to do but necessary. I was just existing. He was self employed and told me he was on minimum wage, but then spent thousands on his motorcycle collection. I was aware that we were financially well off (nice house, he had lots of other property, plus his motorcycle collection), but I never had anything for myself and I struggled to buy food and keep the children. I had lots of hand me down clothing, which I was happy to get. I bought food as cheaply as possible. I never knew his financial situation as he refused to discuss. I left him after 17 years of unhappy marriage. During the divorce he hid assets, argued the house was his, said I’d never contributed to the bills (which was true). He held no value to my cooking, cleaning, childcare, gardening, helping him in his business (unpaid). He told the courts I did ‘nothing’. I left the marital home and lived with my mom. He refused to pay any maintenance so I had to do a 50/50 split with the children going to him (he passed them to his family to care for as he was working). At the time it was devastating, but having 50% of my time child free enabled me to earn more. I increased my income year on year. It took 4.5 years to agree a divorce settlement. In the end I just accepted his meagre divorce offering as my solicitor was crap and costing a fortune. I never found out about his true finances because he lied on his court forms. I am now 6 months post divorce. I can afford to do the things I want. I still have issues/fear spending money and remain frugal, but now have my own house (in my name), a car, a healthy bank balance and a much happier existence. It is still tricky getting XH to pay towards the kids. My advice: stay clear of any partner that is not willing to work as a team financially and definitely do not have children with them.

Don't have kids with this man.
Leave this marriage. Sell the house and get your own place, you will be better off.

You are being financially abused and will have to beg for money for anything for any kids you have. That no way to live.

You deserve way better than this.

Op read the stories here as those women are you years down the road.

Your husband is tight and greedy. Making you pay half in the restaurant is very low and that would honestly have been the last straw for me

i can understand the fact he doesn’t want to totally share his salary with you but he is much worse than a man who doesn’t want to share

get out now and take your 170k with you!

you are in a pickle and you are right to question it
first I would see a solicitor re your £170 he does not need to know
then as he has told that you can ask him for money then start asking him
out your savings first then start asking him for money that may impact him ie groceries

You're paying 67% of your net income into mortgage and bills accounts, he's paying 31% of his net income into his. Of the joint residual income of £6500 after mortgage and bills are paid, you have about 11% and he's got the rest.

Clearly this isn't fair.

I'm married to someone who approached finances similarly to your DH. All savings kept in her name and she always said it was "for our future". That is, until she left me for someone else and decided all the money was hers.

My view is that mortgage and bills should get paid, you each then get an equal amount for discretionary spending, and the rest goes into joint savings (with both of you named on the account!). That is fair.

Goodness. It's not obvious to me whether he's being a dick or genuinely believes he's reasonable.

I think the first steps to equity is making sure he puts in the additional money so that deposit situation is evened out.

Until that is fair, the rest of it is irrelevant.

At the moment he isn't pulling his weight. Have his friends' wives put in the vast majority of the deposit?

I haven't read through all the comments and I'm sure you've got lots of advice. One suggestion, how about you prioritize saving out of your money that's left over? So, for example, say you're going to save £600 per month. Then ask him for money more often, as he has suggested? I.e. if you want to buy some clothes etc. This way you can build up your own savings.

Second, I have a somewhat similar POV to your DH, although practically it is worked out differently. I earn approx. 4x my partner's salary before tax, the take home is smaller as I'm maxing out my pension contributions. I pay for most things, with him picking up food shops when my money has "run out" (rather than a set x:x split). However, my savings are mine (no children). He tends to spend his extra money on clothes, whereas I save. I don't like putting money in the joint saving account because he tends to spend it/want to spend it on things I don't (furniture, house renovation, more joint holidays - we already have several joint holidays a year which I largely pay for) plus it makes him more frivolous with his money because he sees we have "spare money". However, if a big bill comes up or I feel like I want to buy some furniture etc then I will cover it.

This might sound controlling and maybe it is, but seeing as he has "free reign" over his income to spend mostly how he wants, and seeing how he could get a better paid job if he wanted or spend less on clothes, and seeing how I cover most bills, I think I should be allowed to organise my savings and spare money how I wish (I.e. After I have paid most of the bills). He is a spender, I'm a saver - I'm not out gallivanting without him, we do everything together - but I am saving. I'm not saying this is your situation, but your DH might have a similar mindset. For example, if you weren't with him, you would still be on your salary and have to pay much more to your bills etc.

Your house deposit situation is very different though... it feels like this is the real bone of contention. However, given you're married I'm sure whether this could have been ring-fence as yours in a divorce, for example, even if it was sitting in your own account. Similar, if you divorce any of his "personal" savings could be considered joint.

Hi @Lysco , thanks for sharing. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. It's great to hear that you're now free and have your own place and are much happier :) that's an inspiring story.

Hi @Damianoandvic , thanks for sharing too. I'm so sorry you're in that situation and I do hope you get the support you need soon.

@Batima this is never going to get better and as others have said it’ll only get worse if you have children together. Deep down you know you are worth more than this. Maternity leave is not leave if you are worrying about money - which you will be.

You are still asking for help here (which is good) and you can’t just blow your life up because ransoms on the internet tell you to, but the car purchase comments are very telling. You know this. So, in your own time, If I were you, I’d be quietly amassing as much knowledge as to his financial situation as possible - play along to get the information out of him. Keep safe out of the home copies of his bank accounts/statements and keep notes about your discussions. Then go and see a solicitor about your options. I’d then ask him to go to marriage guidance to see if you can work through the issues. If he won’t go, you’ll have your answer. If he does, he’ll have the viewpoint from a third party which might help him see how unreasonable he is being. I’d also present him with the maths as to how much interest over the lifetime of the mortgage that your £170k is saving him. Raise the issue of divorce in these sessions so he understands you are serious.

You will walk away with 50:50. You can start again. Men like this actually believe tales from the office that they get to keep the lot/house whatever. They also spend way more than they need to on solicitors fighting every detail. So make sure you get good advice and if you are offered 50% of his pension, take it and move on.

Thank you.

Ok so his most recent offer in response to my protests about the situation is that he will transfer 30k of his savings into my name, and he'll keep it topped up if I spend any of it.

He thinks I should be grateful for this offer. I don't think it's too great? because:

I will have to ask him for a top-up if I ever need to use any of it, and possibly chase him to pay it in;

Even if he always pays it in, it might feel weird to always have to ask him;

This is a lot less than the extra £170k I put into the house deposit.

I was in a financially (and emotionally) abusive marriage. Only mine barely worked, and I worked as and when I could, earning not much but more than him, despite (and eventually because) I have a diagnosis of what was called recently "severe and enduring mental illness"

I found MN looking for help with my depression, looked on Stately Homes because my DP were slightly inept at parenting, and decided they weren't abusive, just a bit clueless.

Meanwhile, I started reading AIBU and started recognising my then DH in some of the posts on that board. Eventually I found a lovely group of women on the Relationship board, supporting each other in finding a way to escape our abusive partners.

PM doesn't work for me, or I would send you a link.

It took about a year for me to start to emerge from what we used to call "spaghetti head." Being with abusive partners messes with your head. It can take a while for the fog to clear.

It even had to be pointed out to me, when I did decide to divorce him, that I did not need his permission to end the marriage.

Even so, I thought it only fair to offer to follow the Resolution process, which I had read about here on MN, but he would not co-operate, so I instructed my solicitor to start divorce proceedings. He continued to be difficult, so much so that I had to start taking him to Family Court to get him to even agree a settlement.

The moment I instructed the solicitor, though, my depression lifted. Yes, it took a very stressful year, yes a whole year, to get him to settle and move out, but it was much better than the depression, and I could ask for advice on MN and had a good solicitor, who was a partner and had had plenty of experience of dealing with men like my EX!

A tip - find your marriage cert and put it somewhere safe.

OP, it’s good you’re in a negotiation, I suppose.

I’d ask -

1. is £30K 50% of his current savings, so £60K in total? (if not, ask for 50%. If he says no, why not?)
2. instead of ‘topping up‘, ask him to pay a set amount into your savings per month e.g. 50% of what he’s currently saving per month. (If he says no, why not?)
3. ask him why he won’t share fairly. What exactly are his reasons not to - doesn’t he trust you?
4. ask him how he envisages finances being structured if you have children,

Why are you still trying to negotiate with him?

This will never work. You'll always be the one begging him for crumbs if you stay.

I'm guessing you still haven't sought legal advice about safeguarding your £170,000...

What is stopping you from walking away?

@Batima He’s offering you £30k which I suspect means there is probably 10x that in an account somewhere. So yes, I’d be asking what % £30k is of the savings. The fact is, it is not £170k is it? He is doing you no favours.

Normal married finances look something like this:

1. A joint account into which both salaries get paid. You both get to see each others payslips/P60’s.
2. All household expenses get paid from this.
3. You both agree a sum for ‘spends’ which need no justification from each other. That sum is equal.
4. You agree a sum for joint entertainment pcm or agree it comes out of the casual spends.
5. you agree a monthly sum which goes into a joint easy access savings for purchases like holidays, a car, new boiler whatever.
6. You agree a sum which goes into a joint long term savings plan/property whatever.

Anything other thank this sort of transparency and unless there is a good reason such as a gambling addition, is not a marriage really - it’s a not-very-good house share.

I’d also encourage him to explain how he sees the family finances if you were to have children. You need all of the info before you can make an informed decision on the relationship.

I agree

OP I admire you for trying to work this out with your husband but I do worry that you will spend your entire life negotiating finances with him and if you decide to have children with him you may run out of energy to do it.

Children will financially disadvantage you further; time out of the work place will set back career progression, child care commitments will limit your work flexibility and you will lose out on pension contributions. If your husband is not prepared to contribute proportionately now then I think its unlikely he will step up if you do have children.

If you decide to persevere and do have children with him (I don't think this would be a good idea) then make sure you get him to contribute proportionately for absolutely every related expense. Never cover small expenses yourself just because it is a small amount.

I don't see how this can work long term if he is not prepared to contribute proportionately and you have to ask every time you need money whilst he has thousands in savings. I wish you luck but I don't think that's actually what you need.

I would be insisting that you sell the house & your £170k is given back to you &
The rest of the money split on the % paid. Then if you want to leave - you have a nest egg and if you want to stay you buy again WITHOUT your inheritance
He's a creep

@Batima
I keep asking you a question that you never answer. Apart from the money issue are you actually happy?

No idea why anyone would get married then try to discuss finances after especially not even discussing it when you put the deposit down.