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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
Original poster
Batima · 30/08/2023 11:56

Hi @housingplanningquestion, you say, 'Is it possible he was keen to marry to for financial reasons, because he was aware of your inheritance. And was maybe always planning to exploit you.'
I don't think so, because he didn't know about the 170k inheritance when we got engaged.

When I remind him how much extra I put into the deposit, he says, 'yes, but I am paying 3/4 of the mortgage.' Which is true, and he will be paying 3/4 for many years, until it's all paid off. There does seem to be a bit of logic in his argument?

Aside from the fact that the whole conversation and the situation feels very 'un-married' to me.

OP posts:
Tulpenkavalier · 30/08/2023 13:21

the whole conversation and the situation feels very 'un-married' to me

I think what you are saying is that he doesn't have your back and you don't feel safe with him.

You never answered the posters asking whether you ringfenced your share of the deposit? I suspect not?

You really, REALLY must seek legal advice on this as a matter of urgency!

Original poster
Batima · 30/08/2023 13:40

Sorry thought I had answered the question of whether it was ringfenced when I said in an earlier post that we are joint tenants (so both have an equal share of the house).

I'm not sure if there was another way to ringfence it? If there was, I didn't do it.

At the time, I was viewing everything as essentially joint and shared.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 30/08/2023 14:13

When I've tried to bring it up, he says I should be grateful he's compromised by putting more money into the joint account for bills etc, and that he's paying 3/4 of mortgage.

Grateful! FFS.

How much has he increased his contribution to the bills account? Is it also now 3/4 to your 1/4 (as he earns 4x as much), or is it less?

If you want to stay married to him, then I’d have one more conversation about needing to increase your own savings because your £170,000 in the house is illiquid, and that if he refuses to put any savings in joint names (just like the house ownership is in joint names 50-50) then you’ll need to

a) see a lawyer about altering the property deeds to tenants in common to reflect your current unequal ownership of the property and

b) tell him you’ll be reducing your contribution to the joint bills account to £X from next month (where £X = 1/4 of expenses) in order to increase your savings in your own name.

And be as intractably stubborn about it as he’s being.

ihadamarveloustime · 30/08/2023 14:42

Batima · 30/08/2023 11:56

Hi @housingplanningquestion, you say, 'Is it possible he was keen to marry to for financial reasons, because he was aware of your inheritance. And was maybe always planning to exploit you.'
I don't think so, because he didn't know about the 170k inheritance when we got engaged.

When I remind him how much extra I put into the deposit, he says, 'yes, but I am paying 3/4 of the mortgage.' Which is true, and he will be paying 3/4 for many years, until it's all paid off. There does seem to be a bit of logic in his argument?

Aside from the fact that the whole conversation and the situation feels very 'un-married' to me.

So it's not protected. and if you called in the lawyers today, you would likely be handing over a significant chunk of your £170k to him. Because his paying 3/4 now won't touch that massive input of money you put in; you're probably paying interest mostly at the moment, not principle, so you're not gaining much equity in the property. Any 'equity' is your deposit money for the most part.

Tulpenkavalier · 30/08/2023 17:33

Batima · 30/08/2023 13:40

Sorry thought I had answered the question of whether it was ringfenced when I said in an earlier post that we are joint tenants (so both have an equal share of the house).

I'm not sure if there was another way to ringfence it? If there was, I didn't do it.

At the time, I was viewing everything as essentially joint and shared.

Oh my dear girl, PLEASE see a solicitor as a matter of urgency to see if there is any way of ringfencing your deposit retrospectively!

The longer you leave it, and the longer you stay married, the greater the likelihood that he'll take 50% of your precious inheritance once you divorce.

And I really do not rate the chance of this marry lasting. In fact, given what you've told us about your relationship with your husband, I strongly suspect that all his actions are deliberate.

I'm sure he'll know after how many years your contribution is likely to be considered by courts to be subsumed into 'joint marital assets'... You do not want to stay married long enough to find out!

alargeoneforme · 30/08/2023 18:40

Just jumping in to make a small point here. If he was to make his monthly mortgage contribution proportionate to your salaries, he would actually be paying 4/5 not 3/4. You say he earns 4x what you want. So, for example, he earned 800 to your 200. That's 1000 overall. So 200 is 1/5 of that and 800 is 4/5 of that. So you are still paying proportionately more than you earn.

Original poster
Batima · 31/08/2023 16:56

Hi @alargeoneforme. That makes sense - it would be me 1/5, him 4/5 if it's proportionate. Thanks for correcting my maths :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Batima · 31/08/2023 17:11

Thank you everyone for the comments and advice.

My husband doesn't seem to think my arguments are valid at all.

He said to me, 'how many of your friends' husbands are paying 3/4 of the mortgage?' - the implication being none of them, so I'm lucky.

I'm mulling things over. Divorce seems terrifying, but then so does my current situation.

OP posts:
alargeoneforme · 31/08/2023 17:18

Oh he knows full well your arguments make sense. He just doesn't want to pay. I would respond with, 'How many wives do you know put £170,000 into the deposit?' How much did he put into the deposit? What percentage did you contribute?
I've been following this thread from the beginning. I absolutely promise you, if you have children and you are the primary carer (ie your earnings take a knock) he will use the financial power over you. He is already gaslighting you over the money, it will turn into full on financial abuse. Sorry if it sounds a little over the top. But those of us who are experienced with the men like this know what we're talking about. I would be consulting a lawyer about the 170k.

Mumof4plusbonus · 31/08/2023 17:18

Batima · 31/08/2023 17:11

Thank you everyone for the comments and advice.

My husband doesn't seem to think my arguments are valid at all.

He said to me, 'how many of your friends' husbands are paying 3/4 of the mortgage?' - the implication being none of them, so I'm lucky.

I'm mulling things over. Divorce seems terrifying, but then so does my current situation.

He’s not paying 3/4 of the mortgage though really, he’s just making up some of the money you put into the mortgage. How many of his friends get 170 grand paid into their house by their wife and still keep all their money to themselves? He’s only out for himself.
Stop paying the mortgage until he’s paid 170,000 plus the interest accumulated on it.

DryIce · 31/08/2023 17:19

Well, how many of his friends' wives contributed so substantially and disproportionately to their house deposit?!

If i try my best to be fair to him, I guess I can see his point - he pays 3/4 of repayments and in the long run it's even. Sure.

But the point is you used all your savings and are not unable to replenish. If you had kept that 170k and invested it - say in a 5% bank account now - you'd have an extra 700 odd to contribute to the mortgage. (Obvs I'm ignoring tax and that that rate wasn't available until recently...), but to illustrate the point that he is increasing his wealth by both paying off am asset and by saving, and you can't do the second.

BaronessBomburst · 31/08/2023 17:25

My husband earns four times what I do so he pays all the mortgage and the utilities. We tend to split other costs 50/50 and have equal personal savings. Our money is shared. We are a team and bring different things to the relationship.

sadaboutmycat · 31/08/2023 18:02

Viviennemary · 02/08/2023 15:25

Up to him what he does with his money. He doesnt choose to share it all with you. You are still better off financially than if you lived on your own.

Really?
I would take a dim view if any of my adult children were in this kind of set up, regardless who was the higher earner.

Ozziedream · 31/08/2023 18:29

@Batima you’ve had lots of comments but I’ll add one more. My husband and I have a similar income disparity. He pays into my ISA and pension so that we have exactly the same amount of savings as he does. He pays all of the mortgage. He then puts ALL the remainder into the joint account and I put all of my income into the joint account. It would be incomprehensible that he had final say on a car or any other big expenditure because he earned more : we’re married, not housemates!

Terryhalloffame · 31/08/2023 21:13

your DH should pay you £85k from his savings to reimburse your overpayment of house deposit so that you have both then contributed the same deposit to the house. That way your savings pot is replenished and the equal ownership of the property is appropriate, ie you both contributed equally to the purchase. In terms of monthly bills, mortgage, food, holidays etc it would seem sensible to pay in proportion to income if you as a couple are not willing to pool resources and consider yourselves as a team.

Terryhalloffame · 31/08/2023 21:18

As other PPs have said, he is paying £1k more a month in mortgage than you so it will take him over 7 years just to equal your contribution towards the house. He is indeed indebted to you and for a man of his means he should be embarrassed.

Original poster
Batima · 01/09/2023 12:43

Thank you again everyone. Sorry for another question (it's just sometimes hard to stand back and see this situation objectively):

How bad is this situation? How unusual? A bit unacceptable? Very unacceptable?

A summary of the situation I've described:

  • My husband earns 4x as much as me and won't split bills and mortgage payments proportionately to our incomes (though he would be covering the greater share until the mortgage is paid off)
  • I put £170k more than him into the deposit when we bought the house, due to an inheritance from my Grandmother (meaning we got a lower interest rate overall)
  • We own the house as joint tenants (so both have an equal share of the house).
  • He won't put any of his left-over income (which is around 5K per month) into a joint savings account.
  • On my salary, I can't save much (if anything) after bills etc, put I can pay for what I need and for some extra things.
  • He does say that if i need money, I can ask him for it (but I told him I don't want to have to ask).
OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/09/2023 12:52

OP you've got a 7 page thread telling you this is shit. Maybe you should speak to a solicitor to find out what's what if you were to dump him. Sell the house, get what you're owed so you can start again if you want. Get some knowledge behind you while you're back and forth with whether it's fair or not.

Thelonelygiraffe · 01/09/2023 12:57

Didn't you talk about all this, and studies to money, before you got married?!

How does he see things working if you have a dc? Who would pay for childcare? Who would take time off? Would he put money into your pension for you when you're weren't working, to ensure you weren't being penalised? I bet he wouldn't.

Thelonelygiraffe · 01/09/2023 13:01

Attitudes to money, not studies! Sorry.

alargeoneforme · 01/09/2023 13:02

Exactly as @gamerchick says, it's really shit and everyone has been telling you that from the start. Seriously, talk to a lawyer and get some advice on your position protecting your 170k. And never, ever leave yourself financially vulnerable to him.

Purditnin · 01/09/2023 13:08

Batima · 01/09/2023 12:43

Thank you again everyone. Sorry for another question (it's just sometimes hard to stand back and see this situation objectively):

How bad is this situation? How unusual? A bit unacceptable? Very unacceptable?

A summary of the situation I've described:

  • My husband earns 4x as much as me and won't split bills and mortgage payments proportionately to our incomes (though he would be covering the greater share until the mortgage is paid off)
  • I put £170k more than him into the deposit when we bought the house, due to an inheritance from my Grandmother (meaning we got a lower interest rate overall)
  • We own the house as joint tenants (so both have an equal share of the house).
  • He won't put any of his left-over income (which is around 5K per month) into a joint savings account.
  • On my salary, I can't save much (if anything) after bills etc, put I can pay for what I need and for some extra things.
  • He does say that if i need money, I can ask him for it (but I told him I don't want to have to ask).

You have over 300 comments telling you, in great detail, just how incredibly unacceptable it all is.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 13:16
  • He does say that if i need money, I can ask him for it (but I told him I don't want to have to ask).

He’s not going to give it to you though, is he? You’ve told him you need money to put savings in your name, so you’re not financially vulnerable, and he’s said no.

Stop paying whatever your current agreement is into the joint accounts. Start putting it all in savings. Tell him if he “needs” extra money to pay the grocery bill then he can ask…

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2023 13:18

Stop trying to persuade him to do something and start just allocating your own money to you. Wait and see what happens…