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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
YoBeaches · 04/08/2023 14:21

@TedMullins nothing wrong with separate accounts. It's about how joint assets are funded equitably taking into account both peoples income and not leaving one vulnerable as a result.

Any asset you buy during marriage is jointly owned regardless of who paid for it unless set legal documents are in place to specify otherwise. There are general conditions where assets bought or inherited prior to marriage can be excluded from divorce.

Same if your husband dies and has a shit load of debt you didn't know about, tough it's yours.

So these blokes that control who has what, where money is invested, not being transparent, but adamant they are look g after their wives too, really aren't looking after anyone but themselves, which is not the point of marriage or in the interest of the family unit where children are involved.

Original poster
Batima · 24/08/2023 23:30

Just an update -

The other day I asked my husband again if he would be happy to put some of his excess money into a joint savings account (as money for a rainy day, and to buy big things like a car).

After we've both paid bills and the mortgage (which are not split proportionate to our salaries), he has 5.5k left per month, I have just over 1k.

So I asked if he'd be happy to put 3k per month into joint savings. That would leave him with 2.5k of his own spending money per month.

As I mentioned in my PP, I put more deposit money in than him. This has saved us a whole load of interest, and it reduced our interest overfall because it took us into a lower band.

I broached the topic calmly. The reasons I gave him were that we're married and we should see money as family money, given that it is seen that way in the eyes of the law. Thanks for all the comments on here, which helped me. Also, I said that I was feeling anxious about our finance arrangement and that this would help reassure me.

I gave him a few days to think about it, but he said no.

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 24/08/2023 23:47

Time to reduce your bills and mortgage payment to proportional op, and put the rest into your savings. Control what you can control as you can’t make him change. So you just tell him you’ve changed the direct debit so you are contributing approx 30% or whatever now as that’s proportional to your savings. You add generously ‘I should have reduced it to lower than that since I put the deposit in but I don’t like to think that way in my marriage, so I’m happy with proportional. You will have to increase your contribution to bills by x and the mortgage by y, before next week.’
and if he refuses to change his contribution then you know iou are in a financially abusive marriage and you need to leave him (& get a lawyer for everything you can)

Merryoldgoat · 24/08/2023 23:55

So what’s your next move? Personally I’d be finished.

Weedoormatnomore · 25/08/2023 06:54

Tell him as you paid such a large deposit your going to stop paying your part of the mortgage. Think it is shocking that he is not even discussing this with you to try and find a compromise.

MrsCharlieD · 25/08/2023 07:06

I'm genuinely baffled by set ups like this. Dh and I have been married nearly 14 years, all our salary goes into a joint account and everything is paid for from there. We both spend what we like, within reason of course, and if one of us wants a big purchase we do discuss that. We have 2 DC but this is always how we've worked. It would make me feel very uncomfortable in our marriage to still be splitting a bill for a meal 50/50. In the eyes of the law, any money is family money. What reason does he have to horde money from his wife? If you suddenly needed a new car for example would that solely be on you to finance?

Blankscreen · 25/08/2023 07:08

First things first how do you own the house? Is it tenants in common or joint tenants? In other words is your increased share protected?

I know usually in a marriage (esp. With kids) family finances are pooled and it's all joint money. That's how DH and I do it.

But it doesn't have to be done that way.

If this was the other way round and the DH earnt less I suspect lots of posters would be calling him a free loader.

He isn't obliged to help the op put financially.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 25/08/2023 07:13

Put it this way, if you are married you have effectively joined your finances whether he likes it or not.

Go to counselling.

He can share his money with you while you are married or he can share it with you after he gets divorced...his choice.

Blankscreen · 25/08/2023 07:14

Op can only decide though if she is happy being married to someone who thinks it is ok to split a bill in a restaurant or not.

Personally I would find it a right turn off and I think it would be the end of the road for the marriage.

Philandbill · 25/08/2023 07:32

Oh dear OP, that is not a good conversation. You said before that he wants to have children. Please don't, he is being incredibly unfair at the moment and showing you what is important to him. I fear that if you have a baby he will be even more financially abusive and you will be trapped.

hollyblueivy · 25/08/2023 07:39

Codlingmoths · 24/08/2023 23:47

Time to reduce your bills and mortgage payment to proportional op, and put the rest into your savings. Control what you can control as you can’t make him change. So you just tell him you’ve changed the direct debit so you are contributing approx 30% or whatever now as that’s proportional to your savings. You add generously ‘I should have reduced it to lower than that since I put the deposit in but I don’t like to think that way in my marriage, so I’m happy with proportional. You will have to increase your contribution to bills by x and the mortgage by y, before next week.’
and if he refuses to change his contribution then you know iou are in a financially abusive marriage and you need to leave him (& get a lawyer for everything you can)

Best advice - start with this op.

NoSquirrels · 25/08/2023 08:33

Codlingmoths · 24/08/2023 23:47

Time to reduce your bills and mortgage payment to proportional op, and put the rest into your savings. Control what you can control as you can’t make him change. So you just tell him you’ve changed the direct debit so you are contributing approx 30% or whatever now as that’s proportional to your savings. You add generously ‘I should have reduced it to lower than that since I put the deposit in but I don’t like to think that way in my marriage, so I’m happy with proportional. You will have to increase your contribution to bills by x and the mortgage by y, before next week.’
and if he refuses to change his contribution then you know iou are in a financially abusive marriage and you need to leave him (& get a lawyer for everything you can)

Strongly recommending this course of action to you, OP.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 25/08/2023 10:52

Batima · 24/08/2023 23:30

Just an update -

The other day I asked my husband again if he would be happy to put some of his excess money into a joint savings account (as money for a rainy day, and to buy big things like a car).

After we've both paid bills and the mortgage (which are not split proportionate to our salaries), he has 5.5k left per month, I have just over 1k.

So I asked if he'd be happy to put 3k per month into joint savings. That would leave him with 2.5k of his own spending money per month.

As I mentioned in my PP, I put more deposit money in than him. This has saved us a whole load of interest, and it reduced our interest overfall because it took us into a lower band.

I broached the topic calmly. The reasons I gave him were that we're married and we should see money as family money, given that it is seen that way in the eyes of the law. Thanks for all the comments on here, which helped me. Also, I said that I was feeling anxious about our finance arrangement and that this would help reassure me.

I gave him a few days to think about it, but he said no.

He should pay you half the deposit money you put in, so you are at equal standing.

Crikeyalmighty · 25/08/2023 12:08

@Batima that would be it for me- I would be doing an assessment of his assets and divorcing him. He clearly sees you as someone to just share his costs but not his savings/assets- so he's going to lose a large percentage anyway through pure selfishness

strawberry2017 · 25/08/2023 15:10

When he said no what were his reasons?

Turfwars · 25/08/2023 16:59

Do not have children with this man.

GorillaInBikini · 25/08/2023 17:20

Do not have children with this man.

GorillaInBikini · 25/08/2023 17:20

Turfwars · 25/08/2023 16:59

Do not have children with this man.

Wow I didn't actually read that before posting mine ...

WorldCuppa · 25/08/2023 17:37

So you want to open a joint savings account where he puts in 2k and you put in nothing? Hardly fair is it?

Crikeyalmighty · 25/08/2023 18:07

@WorldCuppa of course it's fair - they are married and he has vast amounts more to himself every month

RealisticGuy · 26/08/2023 00:38

I think maybe there is a generational aspect at play too. I’m in my 30’s, it seems the older generation pool their money regardless of financial split.

I just don’t understand why one partner suddenly is entitled to a benefit of ALL finances regardless of their contribution to it beforehand.

Im glad prenups exist where I am. Already been burned before in that regard. Got cheated on AND she got half of everything regardless despite me providing pretty much all of it and having no cause in our split.

I don’t think your husband is being fair though OP. It’s not right that one partner should be struggling and the other not. But an additional 3k a month is a bit of an ask IMO.

Original poster
Batima · 26/08/2023 15:53

Thanks for the comments. Some of you asked how we own the house. We are joint tenants.

I just thought that was the normal thing to do given we're married.

OP posts:
Samlewis96 · 26/08/2023 16:21

YoBeaches · 03/08/2023 20:46

@TedMullins because you and your partner are separate. It's normal to split the bill.

When you are married you are one and the same. In the eyes of the law, and the bank. Whether you are in debt or credit. Yours is theirs and theirs is yours.

People that don't want that, shouldnt legally bind themselves to each other in this way, should they. Because that's what marriage does.

And in this case for the OP, it's abusive and controlling as he is deliberately putting her in a vulnerable position whilst claiming she should be grateful.

Mum not sure on the debit thing being shared. My ex husband had debts coming out of his ears but I was never liable for them. They were his debts not mine.

ihadamarveloustime · 26/08/2023 16:49

Savings is joint, no matter whose name it is in.

You should each have the same spending ability at the end of the month for 'extras/things/your needs'.

He's not in this with you.

Do NOT have children with this man.

I'd be leaving the marriage, personally. get legal advice about getting out and getting what you need to start over.

Lovelybeansfromnextdoor · 26/08/2023 17:05

If you were my sister I would be strongly urging you to leave this marriage. He has clearly shown you how he views things.

Up to you now @Batima to listen. Otherwise, for sure you will be back on here in a few years with a baby and very very limited options - with him controlling all.

Don't stay with this man.