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Original poster

Finance arrangement with husband - I have hardly any savings

450 replies

Batima · 02/08/2023 14:55

I was hoping to get some views on how the finance is working in my marriage. I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house deposit. My husband has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share of bills.

My husband's take-home pay is 8.5k a month, mine is 2K a month. So his take-home is 4x mine.

Our mortgage payment is 3k per month. He pays 2K (2/3) of this, I pay 1K (1/3).

We have an account for other bills and food/household shopping - total 1K each month. He pays 2/3, I pay 1/3.

For holidays and meals out, we split it 50-50.

We both put a decent amount into the deposit when we bought the house. in fact I put more in than him, because of a generous inheritance from my grandmother.

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

He thinks this is totally fair, but I am questioning it. Any views are much appreciated.....

OP posts:
PeaceGoodMercutio · 03/08/2023 10:30

If you divorce him, can you take half of "his" savings?
He's taking the piss.

randomuser2019 · 03/08/2023 10:30

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/08/2023 11:00

Batima · 02/08/2023 23:54

Hi @TheFormidableMrsC it feels bizarre to me too. We have normally been taking turns to pay in restaurants and splitting it that way, but the other day, when we were on holiday, he asked the waiter to split the bill in two and we both used our separate cards.

HE DID WHAT??? You cannot possibly stay married to this miser. Please don't have children with him. You'd be making the biggest mistake of your life and will be utterly trapped.

DryIce · 03/08/2023 11:01

RealisticGuy · 03/08/2023 08:21

The splitting the bill in a restaurant is disgusting.

There are an awful lot of assumptions here though. We have no idea what the deposit was, is a huge difference, 10k or 50k. At 10k he would have outmatched that in 10 months of payments.

The more information we hear though, the more I agree that he does seem like a miser. Which I completely disagree with. One partner in the marriage should never be struggling.

My best mate, out earns his wife a bit but not anywhere near as significant a difference but still say 60k to 30k.

They put all their money into one pot and the grief he gets any time he spends money on himself is unbelievable.

His wife is never done buying stuff for the house, spoiling the kids etc and in her eyes would rarely treat herself, even though he doesn’t want to constantly be improving the house and wants to indulge some of the money into a hobby. Causes them no amount of disagreements. He works a lot more than she does and is a very hands on dad.

My parents were the same, my dad out earned my mum by a good bit. The grief he got when he wanted to change his car etc was unbelievable. Hence I never want to live like that. I make sure I am paying significantly more of the bills and that my wife has no struggles.

But I am the one that made my success before we ever met, I valued that for myself.

My wife doesn’t value that, she prefers to work 3/4 days weeks and have a much more relaxed pace in life.

My earnings facilitate that choice for her but still allow her a good home, good travel, a nice car and enough money to indulge in her hobbies and interests. My earnings and investments ensure she will have a comfortable retirement and is set for life. I don’t see how it unreasonable that I am not splitting my income 50/50 when those are life choices she has made.

Married or not, people still need to take responsibility for their financial situation. The fact some women here are encouraging her to divorce him and take 50% of everything is hypocrisy.

I really don't think this is the same situation as the OP - your wife has enough money for hobbies etc, and crucially you say she is happy with the scenario. So all good.

I also don't recognise this way of doing it though. I earn more than my husband, but don't really see what I'd be saving/spending for if not all of us. I would feel awful to be indulging an expensive hobby for example, while knowing he couldn't afford something similar. I wouldn't take a luxury holiday alone or with with friends, leaving him at home. I have more pension, but again expect that to support both of us in retirement.

I also recognise income is so industry dependent. I work in a money related industry where salaries are much higher than the average. I don't consider I work harder, and am definitely not more important to society, than a doctor or teacher- but by nature of my work I earn more. My husbands industry is less well paid. I don't think he works less hard or hasn't ambition, it is just a different arena.

AgentJohnson · 03/08/2023 11:23

DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS MAN!!! Apparently his opinions only count and he gets the final say because he earns more. If you had kids with this man his ‘Mr big I am’ behaviour would get worse.

You've slept walked into a marriage and house purchase where you aren’t even seen as a junior partner. You are the subordinate and he is the boss (thus having the final and only word). I doubt very much that this behaviour is restricted to finances. Can you imagine what he would be like if he became a father, unbearable, that’s what.

I can’t see a man so sure of his ‘rightness’ ever to change but if you want to see if he can or is at least willing to try, then counselling should be a must. To help you become more assertive and to learn to be your own advocate.

Catchasingmewithspiders · 03/08/2023 11:30

At 10k he would have outmatched that in 10 months of payments.

The maths is off here

Damianoandvic · 03/08/2023 11:39

Hi op, please listen to what posters are saying here and have a really good think about your situation. You don't have kids at the moment so you have the freedom to divorce and move on from this. Please don't end up like me.
I put down 60% of the house deposit, my husband put down nothing. We had a one year old at the time. I spent all my savings quite quickly. Fast forward to now, my child is autistic and has extreme anxiety, I can't work. My husband gives me minimal " house keeping" for food and I scrap by on it. It's not much of life. Just really think before having children with him.

Ambi · 03/08/2023 11:41

We take turns in paying for things. However it's tongue in cheek as we have completely joint money and credit cards.

Anxioys · 03/08/2023 12:01

Seriously the stories on here make it so clear that some men regard women like a brood mare. Most of these women are going to be better off divorced.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 12:21

Years ago I heard a lady on Oprah who's an expert in finances say all women should have a bank account of their own for their savings only (not to pay bills), even if they're married and SAHM. In fact she said husbands should pay the wife a "salary". We should always have something to fall back on because very few things last forever, including love. We should never put ourselves in a position of having to hold on to a relationship because of money.
OP, if your relationship goes tits up and, from what you've said, you've only just got married don't have kids yet and he won't even treat you to dinner, then you're backing yourself into a little corner. If you're unlucky enough to lose your job or fall in love with somebody else or if he falls out of love, you'll be in deep shit, you depend on him now.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 12:27

Ambi · 03/08/2023 11:41

We take turns in paying for things. However it's tongue in cheek as we have completely joint money and credit cards.

This is what my parents had: joint accounts. And it's what I would aspire to in a life partner. Feeling comfortable with a joint account is as good as it gets. It's very very rare though. I don't know many people who have it, from my generation that is. In fact, sometimes they do have a joint account but only the husband has the cards and he's the one that handles it. So it's "joint" on paper only. Women don't even know what's in it.
I had a friend get married recently and she didn't even know her husband's pay.

Travelfan2021 · 03/08/2023 12:47

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 12:56

@Travelfan2021 Your relationship would be my dream come true. It's exactly what my parents had, a true symbiosis of minds and hearts. I honestly don't think I'll ever get that but maybe in the next life. You hit the best jackpot!

Original poster
Batima · 03/08/2023 13:14

Hi @Damianoandvic , thanks for sharing and I'm sorry to hear you're in that situation. I do hope things get easier soon.

OP posts:
SocialLite · 03/08/2023 13:15

This will only get worse if you have children, he'll be giving you a tiny bit of pocket money and telling you that you should be grateful in no time... I would definitely be leaving now before there are children involved.

Weedoormatnomore · 03/08/2023 13:25

Damianoandvic · 03/08/2023 11:39

Hi op, please listen to what posters are saying here and have a really good think about your situation. You don't have kids at the moment so you have the freedom to divorce and move on from this. Please don't end up like me.
I put down 60% of the house deposit, my husband put down nothing. We had a one year old at the time. I spent all my savings quite quickly. Fast forward to now, my child is autistic and has extreme anxiety, I can't work. My husband gives me minimal " house keeping" for food and I scrap by on it. It's not much of life. Just really think before having children with him.

That's awful! Hope you had the deposit ring fenced off.
Feel so blessed with my DH joint savings joint account and joint credit card. I only work pt so he earns nearly 4 times my amount but all in one pot. Housework is shared he does all the ironing I do all the washing.
I do more for kids and most life admin etc

SunRainStorm · 03/08/2023 13:32

This needs to be sorted before you get pregnant.

He's not a generous man.

UnicornStarfish · 03/08/2023 13:38

OP, we just don't want you to end up here next year saying you're paying for everything alone for the DC and your DH thinks if you want to go and wax your legs or thread your eyebrows you need to save for it because he's not paying for "unnecessary luxuries".
There are women here who are well in the red on their credit cards while the DH's rolling in it. Don't let it be you.

tootiredtospeak · 03/08/2023 13:40

Everything should be split 3/4 to 1/4 what's left into a pot agree a spending amount say 1k split 50/50 then rest to joint savings or half each into individual savings. Your married and a family

Catlover100 · 03/08/2023 14:59

I have hardly any savings - they all went into the house. He has loads because he has around 5K spare each month after paying his share.

He doesn't want to put any of his savings into a joint savings account. He says he will help me out if I feel short one month.

OP - read these sentences you wrote again. Now imagine your married best friend said this to you, what would you think and what would you advise her?

You are married. That is the crucial thing here. Your husband squirrelling money away for himself is unfair but also makes no sense when you have entered into the contract of marriage with each other.

"He will help me out if I feel short" is the sentence that really makes me see red! You aren't flat mates! What would happen if you lost your job or, heaven forbid, became unwell and couldn't work for a while?

I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with him. Perhaps he hasn't ever really thought about it fully or is just re-enacting what his own parents did? Does he really understand how the situation is making you feel?

If he is reluctant to discuss the arrangements or won't change his view then I do think you have to seriously question whether you have a future with him - especially if you are planning to have children because that will only exacerbate things.

YoBeaches · 03/08/2023 20:46

@TedMullins because you and your partner are separate. It's normal to split the bill.

When you are married you are one and the same. In the eyes of the law, and the bank. Whether you are in debt or credit. Yours is theirs and theirs is yours.

People that don't want that, shouldnt legally bind themselves to each other in this way, should they. Because that's what marriage does.

And in this case for the OP, it's abusive and controlling as he is deliberately putting her in a vulnerable position whilst claiming she should be grateful.

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2023 20:59

All of these passengers in their own lives.

The idea you wouldn’t have discussed this well before getting married is baffling to me.

The fact is he doesn’t think you deserve to have as nice a life as him as you don’t ‘earn’ enough to.

You have a baby with this man at your own risk. He’ll make you save for your own maternity leave, ask if you need that many nappies, do they really need more clothes? Why do you need clothes? Why do you need coffee with your antenatal group?

The only sensible course of action would be to leave but we all know that’s not happening.

Merryoldgoat · 03/08/2023 21:02

I literally cannot imagine having £5k spare a month to myself whilst my husband had a fifth of that.

And my husband would never do that to me either.

Since we stopped earning the same when I went on my first mat leave we’ve pooled money and split the surplus. No cajoling/convincing. In fact he suggested it.

Catlover100 · 04/08/2023 09:05

It's a lesson to anyone reading this who isn't married or who is younger and early on in a relationship.
When my exH and I met we were earning similar amounts, when we got married he was earning a bit more. For various reasons, including having children, this changed.
We didn't discuss this possibility before we married, I think we both assumed we were on the same page. We weren't as it turned out. Our situation wasn't as extreme as the OP's but there were irregularities in available spending money when we were together.
I think if we had fully discussed our views of marriage, finances, sharing money & responsibilities we probably wouldn't have got married at all!

TedMullins · 04/08/2023 09:20

YoBeaches · 03/08/2023 20:46

@TedMullins because you and your partner are separate. It's normal to split the bill.

When you are married you are one and the same. In the eyes of the law, and the bank. Whether you are in debt or credit. Yours is theirs and theirs is yours.

People that don't want that, shouldnt legally bind themselves to each other in this way, should they. Because that's what marriage does.

And in this case for the OP, it's abusive and controlling as he is deliberately putting her in a vulnerable position whilst claiming she should be grateful.

Right but if people want to keep separate accounts even when married, why is that a problem? I don’t subscribe to the belief that both should have equal spending money either, and I’m pretty sure that’s not written in law, the 50/50 and everything being joint law comes into effect if you divorce rather than in your day to day lives. That said though I don’t want to get married precisely because I don’t want that.