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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
Username5939329 · 03/08/2023 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FuckNuggets · 03/08/2023 01:20

@Username5939329

Also, just because men sleep with you doesnt mean your attractive. I have male friends who have shagged fat women because its easy according to them, however when it comes to relationships then a man wants to go home every evening to a girl who is pretty.

Not even going into the fact you think women are commodities, take a look at that paragraph and tell me why we think you hate women.

AndTheSurveySays · 03/08/2023 01:32

if you consider yourself a feminist then you should support sex workers if thats what they want to do

Some greasy man that buys consent telling women how to do feminism. LOL

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 03/08/2023 02:18

Theimpossiblegirl · 02/08/2023 12:12

If he admitted to rape in the past would you continue to be involved with him?
For me, it's the same.

Yes, I have always wondered how some women overlook stuff like that.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 03/08/2023 02:24

skyhighinthesky · 02/08/2023 20:49

Oh OP honestly, get off mumsnet and go with whatever your gut says. In real life, people make huge mistakes and they change. He didn't lie. He could have easily not told you. Sharing a prostitution is grim but some people have very extreme views on here.

Why do you need to justify yourself here? He was honest, he answered your questions. A long time has passed. He regrets it. Honestly, don't bother posting about this stuff on here, you will never get balanced views.

I agree with this. I see so many posts on MN where women are second guessing themselves about their partners because they have read so many MN posts about cheaters etc that they have become paranoid. I think you should listen to your gut and take your own counsel.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 03/08/2023 02:41

AbraKedavra · 02/08/2023 18:44

if they're only doing it because they are financially desperate (and therefore doing it because they see it as their only way out of a bad situation), is why anyone who would even CONSIDER doing it is vile.

And if the woman isn't desperate, she just has just chosen to for whatever reason - it's still not consent in my opinion. There is no way that she is enjoying every encounter and not turned off massively by some of the men she is having sex with, and regularly putting her health and safety at risk for. Consent can't be bought

You know who else is usually doing it for the money, and many times doesn't enjoy the job - which is sometimes pretty grim?

All the people we regularly buy whose services we regularly buy. That gardener isn't sweating out there because he has loves nature, and that plumber isn't unblocking your sewer because he's got a scat fetish. They're there to do a job and get paid in order to pay their rent and put food on the table.

If paid for consent isn't actually consent, that makes all service providers slaves. Which of course they're not, as consent can be bought.

In fact even 'real' sexual consent is often bought, though not in those explicit terms and not for money.

This is the most thought provoking post I have read on this thread.

ClaraBourne · 03/08/2023 02:54

I just couldn't. Sharing a woman like a commodity? Buying sex?

First get an STD check. Uggh. Was it just the once, I mean £200, shared with his mate. Imagine the conversation afterwards.

ClaraBourne · 03/08/2023 02:58

Big differnce putting you hand in soil /down a loo to a penis in your vagina or mouth.

What a despicable comment. I don't see women being trafficked to be gardeners.

I have done lots of piad work doing cleaning but none of them involved sex work against my will.

I despair.

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 03/08/2023 03:01

This thread has been interesting, disturbing and distressing in equal measure. It has made me really question myself and that has been very uncomfortable. But that is the subject for another thread.

CinnamonCoffee · 03/08/2023 03:37

@Username5939329 oh dude you are a PARASITE! You and your views are truly abhorrent

guineacup · 03/08/2023 05:31

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

I agree. He did something once man years ago that he regrets, and he was honest and open enough to tell you.

guineacup · 03/08/2023 05:45

@Monkeylimas

I’d be worried that the woman stood in front of me was going home to an abusive pimp or had been trafficked. I’d be concerned about her situation not having an orgasm.

I agree completely on your first point... but your second one is just bizarre if I'm understanding it right. Plenty of women in loving relationships don't always have orgasms during sex, let alone a prostitute (irrespective of whether they have been trafficked or abused by a pimp!)

intherough · 03/08/2023 06:18

NO NEVER , run

Siouxiesiouxiesioux · 03/08/2023 06:30

guineacup · 03/08/2023 05:45

@Monkeylimas

I’d be worried that the woman stood in front of me was going home to an abusive pimp or had been trafficked. I’d be concerned about her situation not having an orgasm.

I agree completely on your first point... but your second one is just bizarre if I'm understanding it right. Plenty of women in loving relationships don't always have orgasms during sex, let alone a prostitute (irrespective of whether they have been trafficked or abused by a pimp!)

I think the poster is saying that instead of thinking about having an orgasm the bloke should have been focusing on the woman’s well being.

Somethingaboutmary1 · 03/08/2023 07:05

What I find depressing about this thread is the takeaway seems to be if we have done sleazy things in our past our best bet is to shut up about it and, if asked by our partners, to lie about it. And I'm split on it because however gross I find it (especially the sharing aspect of it) I also think fair play to him for being honest when 99% of people would lie in that scenario, so I suppose he's kind of a sleaze or at least did something sleazy, but also he's shockingly honest about it.

And as mentioned if I'm being brutally honest there are things I've done in the past, cheating on two exes, webcamming etc, that i have no intention of confessing to a future partner and if I was asked I would flat out lie about it. So props to him for being honest, however gross we might find it. I cant say I'd do the same.

guineacup · 03/08/2023 07:17

@Siouxiesiouxiesioux

I think the poster is saying that instead of thinking about having an orgasm the bloke should have been focusing on the woman’s well being.

Yes, sorry, that makes much more sense!

Naunet · 03/08/2023 07:20

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/08/2023 22:14

MNs is so hypocritical. A poster a few weeks ago apparently accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob at a hen party and is met with a flood of these things happen, everyone makes mistakes, don't tell your husband etc.

A man uses a prostitute, many years ago and confesses to it when asked and he is compared to a rapist and overwhelming condemned.

OP, make up your own mind. I wouldn't instantly dismiss this but only you know what you are comfortable with.

Did you think mumsnet users share a brain, or could it in fact be different people responding with their own personal thoughts?

What did you say on that thread by the way? Did you suggest it was unforgivable? If so, why is this not the same?

Naunet · 03/08/2023 07:22

guineacup · 03/08/2023 05:31

I agree. He did something once man years ago that he regrets, and he was honest and open enough to tell you.

Show quote history

How do you know he’s been honest?

guineacup · 03/08/2023 07:36

Somethingaboutmary1 · 03/08/2023 07:05

What I find depressing about this thread is the takeaway seems to be if we have done sleazy things in our past our best bet is to shut up about it and, if asked by our partners, to lie about it. And I'm split on it because however gross I find it (especially the sharing aspect of it) I also think fair play to him for being honest when 99% of people would lie in that scenario, so I suppose he's kind of a sleaze or at least did something sleazy, but also he's shockingly honest about it.

And as mentioned if I'm being brutally honest there are things I've done in the past, cheating on two exes, webcamming etc, that i have no intention of confessing to a future partner and if I was asked I would flat out lie about it. So props to him for being honest, however gross we might find it. I cant say I'd do the same.

I was thinking the something similar. I'm no longer a Christian or involved in a church, but I nonetheless think its concept of forgiveness and grace is a powerful and healthy one when applied with sincerity. For many on here, this seems to be an alien concept and I find that depressing, and there's a bitterness and self-righteousness that pervades some of the more strident of these posts which isn't pleasant.

The idea that we are defined by the worst thing we have ever done, even if that was decades ago, and that no amount of remorse or rehabilitation matters, just leads to dysfunction and dishonesty.

If you are unable to forgive and insist on holding people in contempt for things they have done decades ago for which they truly regret, people will learn never to be honest around you. They will hide their failings and you will never know.

guineacup · 03/08/2023 07:49

@Naunet

How do you know he’s been honest?

Well, he would hardly have made the story up to impress or have a laugh!

If you mean, how do you know whether he told "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth", obviously you can't, but the same would apply if he'd replied that he'd never paid for sex!

By your logic, you can never know if someone is ever honest! But as per my last post, the more uncompromising we are in judging people for past actions that were committed many years ago, the less likely we are that people will be honest with us.

And if your reaction when someone shares something is both to judge harshly and to assume they aren't being honest and to assume that their actions are even worse still, people will be even less likely to be honest with you!

Naunet · 03/08/2023 08:01

guineacup · 03/08/2023 07:49

@Naunet

How do you know he’s been honest?

Well, he would hardly have made the story up to impress or have a laugh!

If you mean, how do you know whether he told "the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth", obviously you can't, but the same would apply if he'd replied that he'd never paid for sex!

By your logic, you can never know if someone is ever honest! But as per my last post, the more uncompromising we are in judging people for past actions that were committed many years ago, the less likely we are that people will be honest with us.

And if your reaction when someone shares something is both to judge harshly and to assume they aren't being honest and to assume that their actions are even worse still, people will be even less likely to be honest with you!

By my logic? What part of that simple question exposed ‘my logic’?

You have no idea if he’s told the truth or not, he could still be booking prostitutes to share with his mates every other weekend. What he did is an indication of the sort of person he is. I don’t think questioning if you have the full picture is weird in a brand new relationship, or do you think we should blindly trust a man who abused a woman in the past?

FriendsDrinkBook · 03/08/2023 08:02

@guineacup I think it's possible that this man regrets what he did and has changed , but I also think that the op is entitled to not want to date him.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 08:21

TheDogHasCaughtAnotherBloodyFish · 02/08/2023 19:28

@C1N1C I’ve seen your other posts.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yep.

He needs to gtfo this forum.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 08:29

Of you can't be forgiven for something you regret and own up to, why ever be honest?

Strong logic.

There are tonnes of things someone could regret and own up to, but which no-one is obligated to forgive them for or look past.

They can be honest about them or lie, that's up to them. They have no entitlement to acceptance/forgiveness.

I shop lifted when I was 19/20 as a uni student ... I told a partner about it when I was 35/36. I had been a full-time working, home owning professional for years.
He could not accept it. He told his close relatives without my awareness, he more or less accused me of pilfering from him, was clearly deeply suspicious and uncomfortable etc from that point. I ended the relationship, mostly for other reasons, but the fact is he could not accept or "forgive" it, and that was entirely his perogative.

Arguably that is not as bad as this. But, honesty for me did not result in acceptance or forgiveness and that's the way it is.

It was still best that I was honest so we both knew we were unsuited to each other.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 08:33

FriendsDrinkBook · 03/08/2023 08:02

@guineacup I think it's possible that this man regrets what he did and has changed , but I also think that the op is entitled to not want to date him.

This.

But there's too much here anyway.

His age.
The premeditation
The values that underpin it
The sharing,/tag teaming like an appliance
It still wouldn't be ok but I'd actually find this less uuuuugh if they had hired a prostitute each, presumably this was cheaper or two women weren't available.

Oh and arguing that you can't know that she was coerced/pimped/gang run .... You can't know she wasn't either so that's a moot point.

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