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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 08:37

@Username5939329

How do I hate women?

Like this:

Also, just because men sleep with you doesnt mean your attractive. I have male friends who have shagged fat women because its easy according to them, however when it comes to relationships then a man wants to go home every evening to a girl who is pretty.

If women judge men on paying for sex then men have every right to judge women on thier body count and with the rise of the likes of andrew tate im glad women are being judged more for being sluts.

Why should a man chase you and give you attention when he can just pay for sex instead?

its easy for a woman to get sex, I even know of women who are overweight and unattractive who have slept with a bunch of men although these women always remain single.

Just a few examples.

It's baffling to me that you're angry most women don't want to shag you. More women might consider it if you weren't a raving misogynist who is angry you aren't getting the level of access to women's bodies you feel entitled to.

You're a walking red flag and a massive turn off. Due to your attitude. As I said upthread, most women simultaneously pity and fear men like you.

BrookNoRivals · 03/08/2023 08:39

PMSL at posters acting like it's George Washington and the cherry tree 😂"Father, I cannot tell a lie- I paid £200 for me and my mate to ejaculate inside a potentially trafficked woman".

Naunet · 03/08/2023 08:50

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 08:33

This.

But there's too much here anyway.

His age.
The premeditation
The values that underpin it
The sharing,/tag teaming like an appliance
It still wouldn't be ok but I'd actually find this less uuuuugh if they had hired a prostitute each, presumably this was cheaper or two women weren't available.

Oh and arguing that you can't know that she was coerced/pimped/gang run .... You can't know she wasn't either so that's a moot point.

Show quote history

It’s not a moot point, it’s an extremely relevant one. He can’t know either way if she was trafficked or not, so he DECIDED he didn’t care enough not to do it, and instead thought his orgasm was more important than the fact he could potentially be raping someone.

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 08:52

@Naunet

I think that's the point @TheoTheopolis23 was making.

Naunet · 03/08/2023 08:53

If women judge men on paying for sex then men have every right to judge women on thier body count and with the rise of the likes of andrew tate im glad women are being judged more for being sluts

What the fuck is this revolting attempt at logic?! Sweetie, if you judge women on their ‘body count’, expect the same in return. Paying to stick your dick in a potentially trafficked woman because you don’t think rape is a big deal, is a whole different level of fucked up.

Naunet · 03/08/2023 08:54

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 08:52

@Naunet

I think that's the point @TheoTheopolis23 was making.

Ahh sorry, misunderstood!

cansu · 03/08/2023 09:17

Surely the time to ask would be before having sex. I think asking these questions means you need to know where your boundaries are beforehand. It sounds like you were curious about him and this has backfired. I would imagine most people would have kept quiet about this or anything else unpleasant. I am not sure why you are asking a bunch of strangers their boundary. If this is something that is going to upset you everything you look at him then get rid.

TheLeadbetterLife · 03/08/2023 09:36

BrookNoRivals · 03/08/2023 08:39

PMSL at posters acting like it's George Washington and the cherry tree 😂"Father, I cannot tell a lie- I paid £200 for me and my mate to ejaculate inside a potentially trafficked woman".

Exactly!

My god the bar is set low for men.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 09:43

but I nonetheless think its concept of forgiveness and grace is a powerful and healthy one when applied with sincerity. For many on here, this seems to be an alien concept and I find that depressing

She can 'forgive" him for his past skeezy, immoral, degenerate behaviour..... But she doesn't have to continue a relationship with him.

Forgiving is not abandoning your own perfectly reasonable moral standards & ignoring red flags about someone's values around sex and women.

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 09:47

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 00:11

Right, and you're optimal husband material even though you've had sex with prostitutes. 🙄

You can't attract women because you're pathetic and we can smell your misogyny a mile away. Your autism has nothing to do with it.

Show quote history

👏👏👏

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 09:48

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 09:47

👏👏👏

Show quote history

What a tosser!

boobot1 · 03/08/2023 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You have some serious issues

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 09:52

Masterofhappydays · 03/08/2023 00:12

I read that thread (which was a hoax btw) and it was pretty unanimous that the OP was disgusting and should tell her husband so HE could decide if he wanted to stay with her. Don’t make things up. Nobody supported the OP or told her not to tell her husband.

Show quote history

This.

That thread is being repeatedly raised by certain posters .... Saying it proves hypocrisy.

But the vast majority of posters on that these were highly critical and thought her h should know.

For some reason (?????) The posters who keep referencing that thread are totally ignoring that.

QueefQueen80s · 03/08/2023 10:12

We have an actual incel among us, he's come out from his echo chamber on reddit to spread some hate. We can handle you little man 😂

guineacup · 03/08/2023 11:15

@Naunet

You have no idea if he’s told the truth or not, he could still be booking prostitutes to share with his mates every other weekend. What he did is an indication of the sort of person he is.

He could be, but so could any man
Irrespective of their answer... How would you know if someone said "no, I've never slept with a prostitute' was telling the truth. You wouldn't!

Of course it doesn't make it right, but the fact he answered the way he did makes it far less likely that he's still regularly sharing prostitutes! A man who did that would almost certainly have just denied it flat out!

guineacup · 03/08/2023 11:20

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 09:43

but I nonetheless think its concept of forgiveness and grace is a powerful and healthy one when applied with sincerity. For many on here, this seems to be an alien concept and I find that depressing

She can 'forgive" him for his past skeezy, immoral, degenerate behaviour..... But she doesn't have to continue a relationship with him.

Forgiving is not abandoning your own perfectly reasonable moral standards & ignoring red flags about someone's values around sex and women.

That's a fair point...

I agree no one should feel obligated to overlook it just because it happened years ago. I can quite see how for many people it wouldn't be possible.

It's the knee-jerk "he did that once, therefore it's an automatic "no, never", irrespective of what how long ago or how contrite he is, he must remain celibate forever" that I don't think is a healthy attitude.

Holscgnmusch · 03/08/2023 11:23

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 09:52

This.

That thread is being repeatedly raised by certain posters .... Saying it proves hypocrisy.

But the vast majority of posters on that these were highly critical and thought her h should know.

For some reason (?????) The posters who keep referencing that thread are totally ignoring that.

Show quote history

Wait… she accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob?

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:39

if you consider yourself a feminist then you should support sex workers if thats what they want to do

Many of them don't want to do it though; that's the whole fucking point.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:40

guineacup · 03/08/2023 11:20

That's a fair point...

I agree no one should feel obligated to overlook it just because it happened years ago. I can quite see how for many people it wouldn't be possible.

It's the knee-jerk "he did that once, therefore it's an automatic "no, never", irrespective of what how long ago or how contrite he is, he must remain celibate forever" that I don't think is a healthy attitude.

Show quote history

It's good that noone said that then isn't it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:41

Holscgnmusch · 03/08/2023 11:23

Wait… she accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob?

Show quote history

What?

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:44

if you consider yourself a feminist then you should support sex workers if thats what they want to do

But you know this one has done it. He's been a punter. And in a particularly uugh way (sharing a prostitute).

Other men may be punters, equally they may not. But you know for sure this one has been.

You know for sure what his attitude to sex and women is.

Of someone views sex as something it's ok to buy. And a other person's body as something they can buy ..... That's how they think, that rarely changes.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:45

*He could be, but so could any man
Irrespective of their answer"

Sorry, wrong quote - I was responding to this comment.

beezles2099 · 03/08/2023 11:48

For me it wouldn't be about if he would do it again - people make mistakes and can change. But I don't think I could continue it - it doesn't sit right with me

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:49

This is the most thought provoking post I have read on this thread.

This is the most irrelevant and false equivalency claiming post I have ever read on this thread.

I figured your dictionary is malfunctioning so I fixed this for me, no thanks needed.

TheoTheopolis23 · 03/08/2023 11:50

*for you, obviously