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Original poster

New man used a prostitute once...

384 replies

namechangeforthisy · 02/08/2023 11:33

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

OP posts:
U2HasTheEdge · 02/08/2023 22:51

How grim. It would be a deal breaker for me.

You're either the type of man to use prostitutes or you aren't. He doesn't even have an excuse that he was young. And with his friend? Yeah, he's repulsive.

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 23:02

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/08/2023 22:14

MNs is so hypocritical. A poster a few weeks ago apparently accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob at a hen party and is met with a flood of these things happen, everyone makes mistakes, don't tell your husband etc.

A man uses a prostitute, many years ago and confesses to it when asked and he is compared to a rapist and overwhelming condemned.

OP, make up your own mind. I wouldn't instantly dismiss this but only you know what you are comfortable with.

MNs is so hypocritical. A poster a few weeks ago apparently accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob at a hen party and is met with a flood of these things happen, everyone makes mistakes, don't tell your husband etc.

MN isn't hive mind.

I remember the thread and there were plenty of posters saying they absolutely see it as cheating and 100% wrong. Many felt so strongly about this that the discussion got quite heated.

And as on this thread there are a number of posters saying the bloke OP is seeing has been honest and shouldn't be judged forever for his past behaviour.

There has been a variety of conflicting views on both threads.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 02/08/2023 23:03

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 02/08/2023 11:53

This is mumsnet. Most people will tell you he should be castrated and die alone and celibate because he made that mistake.

If you think it's honest, and he truly regrets it then I don't see a problem. It was over a decade ago. People mess up. It's grim obviously, particularly the 'sharing' but people do worse.

People have a past. Cheating, drugs, dumb shit while drunk, getting themselves in debt. His is a one off with a prostitute. If he learnt a lot from it, regrets it and isn't going to do it again then I don't see why he should be awarded a life sentence of celibacy over it.

I agree. Make your own decision based on how he behaves now and what you observe. No point asking for Mumsnet validation on this one.

Rainydays777 · 02/08/2023 23:10

Perhaps an alternative view here as I used to work as one of the ‘high end’ escorts mentioned…

I was abused as a child and I essentially perpetuated that by engaging in sex work, as I didn’t see it as a big deal. Initially it gave me a sense of control and empowerment over my own body, since that had been stolen from me. I think about 90% of sex workers have been sexually abused, no surprises there. There is no such thing as a ‘happy prostitute’ in my opinion. Those who say otherwise are in denial. That’s how I used to be too. Justifying it. But it’s self harm.

Personally I would struggle to be with a man who has seen (find it interesting how everyone uses the term ‘used’…!) an escort. Even the ‘nicest’ clients had an underlying hatred of women and complete entitlement. and I never had a ‘bad’ experience as things go, but I tell you, all those men underneath it all, really did not like women.

I would delve a bit deeper as to why he feels ‘bad’ about it. Is it because it’s just not socially acceptable or has he actually considered why exactly it’s so bad? Was he kidding himself she was doing it out of choice? Any other misogynistic behaviours or views, however subtle?

You can’t buy consent.

TheLeadbetterLife · 02/08/2023 23:47

AbraKedavra · 02/08/2023 18:44

if they're only doing it because they are financially desperate (and therefore doing it because they see it as their only way out of a bad situation), is why anyone who would even CONSIDER doing it is vile.

And if the woman isn't desperate, she just has just chosen to for whatever reason - it's still not consent in my opinion. There is no way that she is enjoying every encounter and not turned off massively by some of the men she is having sex with, and regularly putting her health and safety at risk for. Consent can't be bought

You know who else is usually doing it for the money, and many times doesn't enjoy the job - which is sometimes pretty grim?

All the people we regularly buy whose services we regularly buy. That gardener isn't sweating out there because he has loves nature, and that plumber isn't unblocking your sewer because he's got a scat fetish. They're there to do a job and get paid in order to pay their rent and put food on the table.

If paid for consent isn't actually consent, that makes all service providers slaves. Which of course they're not, as consent can be bought.

In fact even 'real' sexual consent is often bought, though not in those explicit terms and not for money.

Fucking bullshit.

Gardening and plumbing are well-paid, respectable trades for which you can get City & Guilds qualifications.

It's completely disingenuous to compare these occupations to prostitution.

rosetintedmemories2023 · 02/08/2023 23:58

It would be a no for me.

You don't need to shoot for perfection when choosing your partner. But you also don't need to go for the guy who shared a prostitute with his friend.

One day you will meet a guy that you don't need to ask mumsnet about whether you should stay or leave. I think that's worth waiting for and not a tall order!

Username5939329 · 02/08/2023 23:59

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TheLeadbetterLife · 03/08/2023 00:02

I can't believe how many people on this thread are buying the story, including OP.

There is absolutely no way this man was particularly drunk. There was no spontaneity in this act that could allow it to be minimised as a drunken mistake.

So that part of the story has to be thrown out as a lie for starters. How much of the rest of it is a lie? One time only? Regretted it immediately? Feels deeply ashamed?

There is not a chance in hell I could be in a relationship with someone who could even contemplate doing what OP's boyfriend did.

TheLeadbetterLife · 03/08/2023 00:10

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@namechangeforthisy in case you are still in doubt, OP, this is what men who pay for sex really think about women.

Utter contempt.

Compare this diatribe with this poster's first post on the thread, when he was all "woe is me, I was a virgin so I was entitled to pay for sex. I'm a real man now and I'll never do it again I pwomise".

These men hate women.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/08/2023 00:11

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Right, and you're optimal husband material even though you've had sex with prostitutes. 🙄

You can't attract women because you're pathetic and we can smell your misogyny a mile away. Your autism has nothing to do with it.

Masterofhappydays · 03/08/2023 00:12

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 02/08/2023 22:14

MNs is so hypocritical. A poster a few weeks ago apparently accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob at a hen party and is met with a flood of these things happen, everyone makes mistakes, don't tell your husband etc.

A man uses a prostitute, many years ago and confesses to it when asked and he is compared to a rapist and overwhelming condemned.

OP, make up your own mind. I wouldn't instantly dismiss this but only you know what you are comfortable with.

I read that thread (which was a hoax btw) and it was pretty unanimous that the OP was disgusting and should tell her husband so HE could decide if he wanted to stay with her. Don’t make things up. Nobody supported the OP or told her not to tell her husband.

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 00:13

Well lots and lots of men have used a sex worker at some point, including the husbands and partners of some of the PPs telling you it would be a deal breaker.

We’ve all done stupid or cruel things we’re ashamed of, so this wouldn’t worry me.

Masterofhappydays · 03/08/2023 00:15

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Are the virgin who despises women, who has never been kissed and have returned with a similar but slightly different username?

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 00:17

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You are barely literate and very stupid.

The idea that you are in a position to pick and choose women or anything else is a fantasy.

Do go back under your tragic rock.

TheLeadbetterLife · 03/08/2023 00:19

Masterofhappydays · 03/08/2023 00:12

I read that thread (which was a hoax btw) and it was pretty unanimous that the OP was disgusting and should tell her husband so HE could decide if he wanted to stay with her. Don’t make things up. Nobody supported the OP or told her not to tell her husband.

Show quote history

Actually quite a few people did support that OP and tell her not to tell her husband, but it's irrelevant as the two situations are not at all comparable.

Whether you see it as cheating or not, you can see how a hen party could get out of hand, but there's no Bacchanalian explanation for what this OP's boyfriend did. It involved discussion, planning, waiting, coordination. It was entirely pre-meditated, and creepy as fuck.

FuckNuggets · 03/08/2023 00:22

temosmail · 02/08/2023 11:44

Lol she isn't "high end" at £200.

What's the problem? You asked, he told. Why is it such a deal breaker for you?

Do you often buy the use of another person's body? Is it just like popping to Tesco and buying a loaf? Why in the actual fuck isn't it a dealbreaker for you?

Masterofhappydays · 03/08/2023 00:28

continentallentil · 03/08/2023 00:17

You are barely literate and very stupid.

The idea that you are in a position to pick and choose women or anything else is a fantasy.

Do go back under your tragic rock.

Show quote history

You are so correct.

This bottom feeder was on a thread a few weeks ago blaming immigrants and picky women for him still being a virgin at 25!

It is comical that he thinks he will be able to choose a woman to marry and have a family with.

I can smell the misogyny from East Australia so I’m pretty certain any woman within a 10 mile radius will be repulsed and this poor little man will be wondering why no women will go near him, all while his hatred for women grows and grows.

Blaming autism or illegal immigrants or ‘picky’ women is just the icing on the cake for this ‘man’ who wants a pretty, slim virgin/low ‘body count’ to marry! He protests he’s a nice and respectful guy too. I can not see why women aren’t falling over themselves to be with this walking red flag.

Beggars can’t be choosers and all that.

FuckNuggets · 03/08/2023 00:29

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You think you buy a woman's body. You don't have the moral high ground here.

FuckNuggets · 03/08/2023 00:30

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So why don't you sell your body then? If it's the same as women sleeping around?

Username5939329 · 03/08/2023 00:31

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Masterofhappydays · 03/08/2023 00:33

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Pahahaha fucking hell.
You are literally the worst person I’ve ever come across on the internet.

You and Andrew Tate, who you seem to adore, are scum of the earth bottom feeding maggots. Ew. Feel sorry for your mum.

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 00:36

@Username5939329

Quick tip for you mate, more women might want to shag you if your utter hatred of women in general wasnt so painfully clear.

You're so angry that women don't want to shag you yet have the arrogance to preach about your standards when it comes to women 😂

I hope you're a troll. Women simultaneously feel pity for, and disgust at, men like you.

Many women are frightened of men like you. Your hatred for us as a sex class is so clear.

It's not because you're autistic. It's because you're a misogynist.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/08/2023 00:38

Clymene · 02/08/2023 11:54

A mistake is pranging your car on a pillar in a car park.

It's not going on a website with your mate, scrolling through images of desperate women, choosing one, paying her to come to your hotel so you can fuck and then ask her to go next door so your friend can fuck her too.

This.
I could never get over it, so I couldn’t date a man who had done this. I am curious why you asked ? It would not have occurred to me to have to ask DH this, because he is a decent person who doesn’t objectify women.
So what made you ask, an inkling ?

CallieQ · 03/08/2023 00:50

Cut him some slack

FuckNuggets · 03/08/2023 00:50

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Absolutely no one believes you're in a relationship. There's not a woman out there that would shag you. Your abject hatred for women oozes out of you. Women see you and run the other way.