New man used a prostitute once...

[namechangeforthisy]

I'm in a new relationship and we've become really close had had lots of intimate conversations, especially to do with sex. I feel really safe, cared about and all those positive things about this man. There are no red flags in what I've seen in the time we've spent together or in the sex - which is amazing (5 weeks but multiple dates, few days at a time etc - maybe about 12ish actual separate occasions and spending a couple of days together at a time)

In one of our intimate conversations I asked him if he'd ever slept with a prostitute. He said no and then a few seconds later he said actually he didn't want to lie to me, he's never told anyone else about it but basically yes he has. He's answered all the questions I've asked. It was about 13 years ago (he's now 44) in the UK, after a really drunken night out at 1am and apparently his friend and he went on a website and ordered one, high end, cost around £200 each and they each slept with her (separately, in a separate room but one after the other). Even writing this down I feel like it's awful, disgusting etc.. Ugh..

We've spoken about it a bit and had really mature conversations about it. He is completely ashamed, for all the obvious reasons (and that was how he was telling the story to begin with to be clear - not after any reaction from me), understands that there will be a lot of women pushed into this, not freely doing it etc and just in general he says as soon as he sobered up he felt like it was awful and regretted it. He and the friend have not spoken about it since and nothing like that has ever happened again. He feels like it's one mistake in however many years of having sex and he's never repeated it again since. He seems completely genuine and I have no reason to believe he's lying but ofc it's totally thrown me off.

From his perspective, he massively regrets it but feels like it's one (big) mistake and he would never do it again, hasn't done it since etc. He understands if it's a dealbreaker for me but hopes we can move past it etc. I do feel like he's a genuine really lovely guy and I've got feelings for him and can really seeing it going somewhere. TBH I wish he'd lied to me!

Any thoughts/advice? I'm trying to think if there's anything else I might need to ask him to help clarify how I feel.. or if it's just a wait and see type situation. He had no reason to tell me and I'd never have found out so I do think it's good he wanted to be honest. I feel like I want to carry on seeing him and I guess just be careful and look out for any other red flags but is that foolish?

I guess the main thought I'm thinking in his favour is, if I believe it was a one off, do you believe that someone can do something bad but still be a good person/still deserve forgiveness? On the other hand, some people might just view it as perfectly acceptable between consenting adults..

I think people are missing the point here, whether what he did is gross or not, he admitted something that he feels ashamed about when most people simply wouldn't. It seems the lesson here for men with dodgy pasts is to lie to new partners and everything's fine! Personally I'd rather know. So however distasteful I might find it fair play to him for having the guts to admit to it when it was clearly shooting himself in the foot.

I'm sure there are plenty of posters who have done things they're ashamed of in the past who haven't and have no intention of disclosing to future partners. I've cheated in the past, I've got a statically high body count, at uni I briefly did web cam work, am I going to offer up that info to a new partner who I see a future with? Hell no.

I agree with this. He was a 31 year old adult, presumably with intelligence and access to a wide range of media. There is no possible excuse for him not to know or understand the ethical issues involved, and he was plenty old enough to have set his moral compass.
He says he was ashamed immediately the next day which shows he considered it was wrong, yet did it anyway.

He either has no strength of conviction, or can't control himself when drunk. Neither is ideal.

And nor should you. Potential partners don't have the right to know everything about you.

I don't think a person telling "the truth" about their past is necessarily a good thing. Sometimes it's about testing out where and how low your boundaries are and what you will turn a blind eye to, not about being this admirable honest person.

Maybe this guy is genuinely a one-time punter who really respects women these days and is ashamed of his behaviour. Or maybe it's the thin end of the wedge and there's more to follow.

@Somethingaboutmary1 I absolutely agree with you.

I was in a relationship for 16 years. He admitted he had 'attempted' to use a sex worker when he worked in Amsterdam (before we met). I say 'attempted' because he was apparently too drunk to do much. When he confessed this to me I really couldn't cope with it at all. It made me sick to my stomach and I never really got over it. I chose to continue the relationship but after we split up I realised he is actually a misogynistic pig which then gave me an even worse perspective on his exploits. You are clearly not ok with this or you would not be asking so I would honestly be walking away. This will always chip away at you.

I asked my ex husband this once, while we were together. We had been married at least ten years at the time, it just hadn't occurred to me to ask before. It wasn't something in my head at all. He told me he had once as a teenager and he was really ashamed etc, would never do it again. It was a dark time.

Turned out to be bullshit and he was regularly sleeping with them at that time. I found that out a few years later and we split up.

We are not missing the point.
The point is he did something abhorrent. Yeah he admitted it.. And she can walk away.
As bad as cheating is, it's not buying a woman's body, it's consensual. Both parties want it. It just can't be compared

@5128gap We agree a lot 😆

Oh OP honestly, get off mumsnet and go with whatever your gut says. In real life, people make huge mistakes and they change. He didn't lie. He could have easily not told you. Sharing a prostitution is grim but some people have very extreme views on here.

Why do you need to justify yourself here? He was honest, he answered your questions. A long time has passed. He regrets it. Honestly, don't bother posting about this stuff on here, you will never get balanced views.

Extreme? When you yourself says it's grim? You either think it's grim or you don't. And if it is grim you get out of there. No-one has to have low standards. No-one needs a man that much that they have to accept he used a prostitute 🤦🏻‍♀️

People can change, but people can also lie through their teeth.

I didn't think twice about accepting that it was a one off when my Ex H was young. It didn't cross my mind that he would like, but he was lying and sleeping with prostitues.

Obviously the OP should make her own decision, but there is no sense in completly ignoring that things like my situation can happen.

If he'd been 20 I'd have maybe based it on immaturity, but he was 31!

Would definitely be a no for me.

Dealbreaker

Agreed!😁

But OP is getting balanced views

She's getting yours, and she's getting mine, which is that it's a total dealbreaker.

I don't think it's "extreme" to set the bar slightly above "man who demonstrably has no respect for women", personally. You feel differently - OP is getting both views. Why does she need to "get off mumsnet"?

Interesting to hear different perspectives - I think it’s a good thing as he’s been honest.

We all do stuff we go on to regret, especially where alcohol in concerned and we have to remember that amongst many men this sort of thing is normalised and so it’s not until someone learns that this really isn’t ok and acceptable.

The guys been honest about something he's not proud of and made himself vulnerable rather than lie to you.

I personally wouldn't let it get in the way of what sounds like a blossoming relationship. I think his honesty reflects more on the type of person he is now than a mistake he made THIRTEEN years ago.

The good:

Kudos to him for being honest when he could have lied.

13 years is a long time.

It was alleged a one time thing.

He allegedly is remorseful.

The bad:

He “ordered”…. He “took turns” with his mate.

He (at one stage) views women as objects.

Purchased “consent”.

TBH OP, I don’t know what I’d do in your situation. A lot for me would have depended on how he told me, such as the language he used about the experience. Little details of “high end” (for $200, yeah right!) make it seem like he’s trying to minimise the experience. Eg she was high end so not exploited. She was high end, I afforded better quality, it’s less disgusting etc. (it isn’t less disgusting).

I guess if you continue dating this man, just be cautious and look at how he views and treats women. It may well have been a one off drunken mistake he regrets. As you now know this info, it does allow you to view him without the rose tint glasses and be more objective. You came here to write because YOU saw a red flag, so keep looking for any more that may arise.

You shouldn't have asked the question if you weren't prepared to deal with the answer.

So to harp on and I know that just because something happened to me doesn't mean it's the same for everyone

But my ex husband 'came clean' about having slept with a prostitue when younger. He didn't have to be honest about it or 'come clean' at all and he still said that to me. And it wasn't the truth. He was still sleeping with prostitutes.

You don't even know this guy that well. You've no idea if what he said is the whole truth.

I thought the same.

MNs is so hypocritical. A poster a few weeks ago apparently accidentally gave a stripper a blowjob at a hen party and is met with a flood of these things happen, everyone makes mistakes, don't tell your husband etc.

A man uses a prostitute, many years ago and confesses to it when asked and he is compared to a rapist and overwhelming condemned.

OP, make up your own mind. I wouldn't instantly dismiss this but only you know what you are comfortable with.

went on a website and ordered one

Did he use these words?

Big no from me. 31 is too old for this to have been a youthful mistake.

Yes you asked, but now you know you can decide what to do from this point, that’s the point of asking, surely?

@category12 you make a good point! I suppose it depends if it really was a one off event which he regrets and has been honest and admitted to it where most people in that situation would lie, let's be realistic, and OP would be none the wiser, or it's possibly a pattern where he's done this numerous times in which case his honestly means nothing if he's got more to hide.
I'm not sure I agree entirely with what happens in the past is strictly my own business, and I'm aware Im being hyper hypocritical but I'd want to know if a future partner had a history of cheating or had slept with 100 plus women as it gives me some idea of what sort of relationship it would be 🤔 at the same time would I offer up my own history? Honestly no, because I'm not proud of it, to put it mildly. So yeah hypocritical for sure.

@QueefQueen80s I see what youre saying but in terms of my affair my partner wasn't 'consenting' to it, he had no idea, until he eventually did and it broke his heart. 6 months later. We were sharing a bed whilst I was having sex with another man. I suppose its not about comparing, more that a lot of us have done some pretty unspeakable things which are wrong in different ways. And things which if I'm being honest have no intention of admitting to potential new partners.

This